Settling?

Still in a bit of an odd mood tonight. I think there could be hormones involved. Anyway, feeling more introspective than usual and felt the need to inflict this stuff on my audience. I'll try to keep this from getting too … heavy … but who knows.

In the course of e-mailing a dear friend tonight, I stumbled across something that I've been avoiding, something I haven't wanted to admit. This might not even be the time to go into it, but I'm thinking about it, and I do need to address it at some point, if only for my mental health and getting closure.

I've glossed over why my marriage didn't work out; I've shared some of my thoughts with one person, maybe two. I don't know the root cause, I don't have the answers. But if there's one thing that getting into a relationship has shown, it's that things weren't quite right in married life. And I'm trying to be diplomatic about this, trying to be ... detached. So we'll see how that goes. We'll play a little game of "compare and contrast." Oh, but how to begin?

Let's start out by saying I believe in marriage. When you get married, it's forever. It's a promise, it's something I took seriously, it's something I wanted to do just once in my life. I'm certain we got married for the right reasons. I don't know that we divorced for the right reasons, but what's done is done. I can't change that, I and I wouldn't go back. Not with what I know now, not with what I've been through and where I am in my life. Hell no.

Somewhere along the way, something changed. Was it because we were comfortable with each other? Took each other for granted? The ex mentioned how "the spark" was gone. Well, the argument against that is the spark is what brings you together; true love keeps you together. Relationships are give and take; they aren't always easy, they aren't always pleasant. But if you really do love someone, you figure out a way to make it work. Yet that only happens if both parties feel that way. One person believing that won't get it done, especially if the other person has given up, or thinks they've found something better. Believe me, I tried. In the end, it was easier to give up. More on that in a bit.

At the beginning of many relationships, the physical stuff takes precedent. It's new, it's exciting (I call it the "ooooh, shiny!" syndrome). The newness wears off. If it was only physical, chances are that when the novelty has worn off, both people will move on. A booty call is a booty call. If there's a deeper connection, then you're looking at something long term, something that could last for months, years, even forever. You need common interests, personalities that get along. You need trust and a willingness to work toward keeping the relationship alive. So where was I going with this, I wonder … and how can I do this without getting myself in trouble? (not really trouble, I guess … I'm not writing anything here I wouldn't discuss, it's just that some of this is still a little difficult to talk about. Anyway.)

When the ex and I got together, it was fun, exciting, we spent a ton of time together. The physical stuff, well, yeah, there was a lot of that. He was 32 and I was 26. That really was a lifetime ago. We spent a ton of time together since we worked together and he ended up moving in since (big red warning lights) he was leaving his wife. Marriage was on the rocks from the beginning, he'd been unhappy for a long time, yadda yadda yadda. Awfully familiar, right? Yeah. Maybe I had it coming.

You know, a detailed analysis of my relationship with the ex is going to get boring in a hurry. That, and the fact I've chosen to forget some of the details and other details have faded. I've gotten a pretty good idea of what was missing. I guess it's easier for me to focus on the things that are going well with the current relationship than dredge up ghosts. Yes, I'm still avoiding it. But I think I can still make my point.

I'm a detail person (eh, really?). I can see the big picture, but I have an appreciation of the little things. Case in point: A touch, a look, a smile can convey a feeling like love without even saying those three words. I used to do that with the ex and it was rarely, if ever reciprocated (red flashing lights, anyone?). He wasn't much of a "touch" person. Hugs, holding hands, that was something he really started doing with me. The other stuff, like if I just touched him while we were watching TV or something, he didn't like that. Current situation is very different than with the ex. Communicating without words is a fine and subtle art, and it works a lot better when people aren't shrugging you off or acting like they're annoyed by it. There's a lot to be said for feeling appreciated.

It might not be a great example. It's certainly not one that would hold up in court. But I think it shows a resignation on my part to not do those things with the ex. I wasn't being oppressed, but I wasn't being true to myself. I don't know that I've really been true to myself until recently. I know I haven't been this happy in a long time. I've got a new sense of freedom since … falling in love. And I'm sorry that sounds trite. But honestly, I'm happy to have found someone I feel comfortable with. I can say crazy (or stupid :-P) things, I can tell horrible jokes, or I can be a geek. I guess with the ex, I started to hold back some things because I didn't want to appear stupid. I don't even know where I'm going with this any more.

Ah. The title of this entry. I do need an editor to keep me on topic. Did I settle? Yes and no.

In the beginning, when things were new, no, there was no settling. I didn't settle on my wedding day. But whenever "the spark" (his word, not mine) faded, then yes, I did. I accepted the routine, I accepted the fact we didn't do certain things or act like other couples; a good friend said that if you saw the two of us in a room, you'd never know we were married. This has been confirmed by at least one other person. All I can say to that is, what the fuck? What happened? Why did we give off that appearance? Oh, non-verbal communication, or lack thereof. It goes deeper than "if you loved me you'd hold my hand" but I could be onto something here. I know what I felt toward him, but I know that if I did those little things — a hand on his shoulder, whatever — in a group setting, it made him uncomfortable. What the hell does that say? Yeah, that something was fucked up and neither of us wanted to address it. Now I remember why I haven't taken a closer look at this: Because in my twisted little world, it makes me feel inadequate as a wife and as a female. The rational part of me knows this isn't true, but the visceral part — and let's not forget my ego — feels differently. The feeling of rejection rears its ugly head after a long absence. But it adds up, I guess. If he didn't want to do the little things that are so important to me, it shouldn't have been surprising when he told me he didn't love me. Yes, this is the scary shit I write about at 3 a.m. Until now, it had been locked away in the journal I haven't shared with anyone, where I don't even want to read past entries. But here it is. And to once again answer the question, yes I did settle. I settled and I wanted to make it work, thought I could make it work, thought it should work. And in the end, it turns out I'm so much better off today without him. Should I mention yet again how happy I am, or is that starting to get sickening? Cut me some slack; I'm not even to the four-month mark yet. But what used to be the anniversary is Thursday … I'll burn that bridge when I get to it I guess …

I'm not sure what this proved, other than the fact that maybe I really am nuts and you people are too polite to tell me I'm nuts. It did feel good to write this stuff. But maybe i just need to leave it in the past and keep moving forward — mindful of history, but definitely focused on what each new day brings. I may be nuts, but hell if I haven't turned into an optimist.