Yeah, I've got a thing for playlists. I thought I'd try and do less of that here, but what the hell... music is a big part of my life. At least they have their own category now.
This is a playlist I originally did to "commemorate" the three-month anniversary of my break-up (remember what I said earlier about dates?) and, to a lesser extent, 100 days of me being on my own. I've just copied and pasted the list. Oh what the hell. Here's (most of) the journal entry from that day too.
Three months and ... ? [Sep. 19th, 2004|02:25 pm]
[mood | annoyed]
[music | iTunes ~ 9.18.04 playlist]
It’s a long time, and it isn’t. A marriage and a best friend lost. A job found. New direction in life, a willingness to relocate for work. I guess the bottom line is that I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people.
If I look at the three months from March to June, it’s all fairly unremarkable. Nothing stands out, except for maybe losing the part-time job, or the fact I decided to write again. June to September, well, I’ve never been through something like that before. Obviously, ending the marriage was a big thing. I am surprised, however, at how much my attitude toward the ex has changed. I thought I’d want him to be a part of my life, and maybe some day I’ll feel that way again, but I’ve got other things to focus on, other people I want to focus my attention on. If not for the fact he still owed me money, I’m certain I’d tell him to go fuck himself. I don’t like being lied to, I don’t like dishonesty — especially by omission.
There’s nothing wrong with me being selfish. More than any other time, I need to take care of me. I need to do what’s good for me. That doesn’t mean abandoning people or not looking out for them; it just means I’m really looking out for myself. Not necessarily a great thing, but it beats the hell out of doing things for people who don’t appreciate them, or won’t respond regardless of what it is. Or when they do respond, it’s “haha... I’d love to do that for you but I’m out of town. lol.” Fuck him. Give me my money and then enjoy your white trash life. Not worth the energy. Must remember that.
[10.08.04 edit: It bears mentioning that while it would be nice to have the money, I've accepted the fact I'm not going to get it. I'm also not nearly as angry as I was. It's amazing how much easier it is for me to let go of things now. Yeah, holding grudges (to a certain extent) is character flaw of mine that won't completely go away; you wrong me, I'm not going to forget that. But it's that whole "don't sweat the small stuff" mentality that's been nice to adopt. Only worry about the things you can control.
From a personal growth standpoint, the divorce is one of the best things that could have happened to me. But there's no way I could have accepted that until now, no way I would've considered that. You're going to tell me I'm better off without the man I thought was the love of my life and my best friend? Good luck with that. I'm not discounting the fact I was completely miserable for about two months. Then things started turning around... how could they not? I knew my luck had to change, I just had to be patient. And in an ironic twist, I'm more willing to trust and love right now. Who would've seen that coming? But yes, I am better off. I am happier, happier than I've been for a long time (yes, including when I was married). Yes, you make your own luck, your actions (or inactions) have an affect on the outcome. But I'm also a firm believer in the "butterfly effect"/ everything happens for a reason. It was an extraordinary set of circumstances that brought the ex and me together. And if you carry that set of actions through to where I am now … wow. Anyway, back to the angst of nearly a month ago…]
And rejection, well, I’ve covered that before. Do your worst. Really. I can take a lot these days. Don’t really like it, but I can handle it. The stuff lately isn’t really rejection per se; it’s more of a lack of courtesy than anything else. Follow through, that’s all. I guess it’s proof I put my expectations in the wrong place. I won't be doing that again. I was fine before, I’ll be fine now.
Anyway, it wouldn’t be a proper LJ entry without music to go with the angst. Here’s another playlist I did to “commemorate” the three months since “the bomb.”
1. Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters
Love this song. I’ve covered why before.
2. Soul To Squeeze ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers
Pretty good advice here. Peace of mind... I’ve heard of that.
Where I go, I just don’t know.
I’ve got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I’m gonna give you some of my good time.
Today love smiled on me,
And took away my pain, said please.
Oh let your ride be free.
You gotta let it be,
Oh yeah.
3. Rearviewmirror ~ Pearl Jam
Not looking back is a hard thing. But it’s necessary. The funny thing is, it’s getting tougher to remember those good times, the way things used to be. Ask me on my anniversary next month if I feel the same.
Saw things (4x)
Clearer (2x)
Once you, were in my... rearviewmirror...
I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all I’m far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...
4. Gotta Be More ~ Marc Broussard
Yeah, him again. Deal with it.
5. Where the Streets Have No Name ~ U2
From the Elevation DVD, of course.
6. Lonesome Day ~ Bruce Springsteen
I’ve had a few of these lately, but compared to the way things were a month ago, it’s tough to complain. That won’t stop me, but I know things will work out.
7. Speeding Up To Slow Down ~ Better Than Ezra
Yes, the singer whines. Yes, they’re filled with angst. Sue me.
If they calm you down,
Then excite them
If they call you out,
Then ignore them.
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
When they all believe,
You reject it.
When they all are for,
Be against it.
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
If they call you out
They will tear you down
When your world falls in
Then they’ll leave you dry
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
Down, down, down
8. In My Place ~ Coldplay
Not all of it applies, but I still like the song.
In my place, In my place,
Were lines that I couldn’t change,
I was lost, oh yeah,
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed,
I was lost oh yeah...
9. I Don’t Want to Be ~ Gavin DeGraw
I think this song, and the Foo Fighters song do the best job of summarizing where I am right now.
10. Come What May (remix) ~ Ewan McGregor
Ewan has a fabulous voice. If he showed up at my door, I’d invite him in for tea. Or something. >_>
11. I’m Alive (BT & Sasha Mix) - Seal ~ BT
Haven’t listened to this one in a long time. It got me through that period when I wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do.
12. Here Is Gone ~ Goo Goo Dolls
It’s fitting to include these guys. They were there at the beginning, and now they’re here at the end. Nice to know they have songs about running off and getting married and traumatic break-ups.
And I don’t need the fallout of all the past
That’s here between us
And I’m not holding on
And all your lies weren’t enough to keep me here
13. Maybe Tomorrow ~ Stereophonics
I’ve been down and
I’m wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me
It wastes time
And I’d rather be high
Think I’ll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They’re all free
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe
I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
14. I Am ~ Train
An older song, but I still like it.
15. New Deep ~ John Mayer
Never listened to an artist who could sound so happy about really shitty situations. And to think I dismissed John Mayer early on because he was so popular. I did that with U2 after The Joshua Tree. Sheesh. I’m pretty sure I blew my chance to see him when he came to town. Dammit.
I’m so alive
I’m so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I’ve got a plan
I’m gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time
Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It’s been fine
I’ve been cool
With my new golden rule
Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it’s been
16. Fall Back Down ~ Rancid
Another band I need to see in concert. Good shit right here.
It takes disaster to learn a lesson
You’re gonna make it through the darkest night
Some people betray one and cause treason
We’re gonna make everything alright
Well the worst of times, now, they don’t phase me
Even if I look and act really crazy
I went way down, she betrayed me
Now my vision is no longer hazy
I’m very lucky to have my crew
They stood by me when she flew
I’ve been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
She’s not the one coming back for you
She’s not the one coming back for you
If I fall back down, you’re gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you’re gonna be my friend
17. Through with You ~ Maroon 5
Ah, we’ve reached the angry part of this playlist. Full lyrics.
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don’t trust you
Cause every time you’re here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I’m sick of thinking anything at all
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through with you
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through with you
I ain’t never coming back to you
18. Now That It’s over ~ Everclear
This one starts out pretty slow, but it really gets going about two-thirds through. Still not sure if I want to tell him to fuck off. Part of me wants that, the other part doesn’t want to burn bridges. No need to be hasty, I guess. Doesn’t change the fact I like the sentiment here.
One, two, three, four
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it’s over
Break down, shake for me
Don’t write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it’s over
Maybe we can be friends
Now that we’re older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it’s over
Yeah right!
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it’s over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it’s over
Oh yeah...
My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do
My nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell
Yeah right!
Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it’s over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you’re leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I’m dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just wakin’ up in my own way
Now that it’s over
Now that it’s over
My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do
Nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it’s over...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
balanced
No comments:
Post a Comment