Happily divorced

Yeah, it would appear that's the case now...

Last night, it became readily apparent that I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned — either here, or in e-mail to some of you who have this link — that I've begun to forget what it was like to be married. It's sad and funny at the same time. It's sad because I thought I had found true love, the love of my life, the man I wanted to be with forever. Then he turns around and says he doesn't want to be with me, that he's found someone better. And yet, I still wanted to cling to that ideal, that image of what I wanted him to be. How could he find someone else? Why wasn't I good enough? The funny thing is, now that it's over, I'm glad that it ended. I'm glad I've found someone amazing, someone who makes me happy in just about every way. Some one who is just so wonderful to talk to or be with or think about. I know, it's sickeningly sweet; it scares both of us at times I think. But there's something neat about having lunch with someone and grinning so much it's tough to get through your meal. This is very new to me.

I know this isn't the time for me to reflect on the good aspects of my marriage. Frankly, the less I think about the ex, the better. I'm more interested in thinking about, being with and raving about my special guy. I think I've earned that. And I think it's good I'm starting to get to the point where the ex just isn't a factor in my life any more. I'm going to live my life, and he can go live his. If our paths happen to cross, I'll still have to try and be the better person. I'll have to resist the temptation to tell him how happy I am to not be with him.

And I've begun to see some very important differences in the way we look at life. My sources tell me the ex is a complete dick to be around at work. I know things suck at the office, but you'd like to think that if the personal life is so great, that would help take the edge off at work. I had an experience the other day where I was really ready to quit my job on the spot. I think a few years ago, I would've quit. But Wednesday, I took a deep breath, calmed down and remembered I needed the money, needed this job and should just ride it out. And since the special guy is never far from my thoughts to begin with, I thought about how happy I am away from work, and how he'd give me endless amounts of shit if I quit. It's all about what you carry with you.

I used to take work home. I used to let things eat at me, I used to worry, I used to get wound up about what other people thought and the lack of quality in their work. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I realized that if I do the best job I can and take pride in my work, I really shouldn't have a lot to worry about. Factor in a great personal life, and it's about as balanced as I've felt in a long time. Hell, I don't think I've ever had this kind of balance in my life. In this case, the good stuff far outweighs the bad. Why focus on the negative? God, it's so much better to dwell on the stuff that makes you happy. Why did it take me so fucking long to figure that out? Scary to think this might be the first time I've really found happiness. Better late than never, I guess. And if I don't get divorced, I don't hook up with my special guy. And that would be a shame. So many things to experience with him … This is why, like him, I count myself as "happily divorced." He's got his reasons; he's my main reason. Perspective. It's good shit.

But what I carry with me … here's a list:
• a sense of independence
• the strength to survive a soul-crushing breakup
• a more positive outlook on life
• an even more twisted sense of humor
• a willingness to take chances
• love for a very wonderful man
• love from a man who calls me "amazing"
• a renewed passion for journalism
• strength and support from great friends
• strength and support from my parents

Just a few things on that list would be enough for a lot of people. And I'm sure I could list more, but these are the ones that came to mind without really trying. How can I fail? How can I not succeed with that kind of stuff going for me? I've got people who care about me, people who will pick me up if I'm down, people with shoulders for me to cry on. People who will set me straight if I'm being too hard on myself, or if I'm full of shit. I'm lucky to have that, I'm thankful to have that.

And on the eve of my move, I think I really am ready to move forward and close this chapter of my life. I wasn't so sure yesterday or the day before. But now, especially since I can see the good stuff in black and white, I know that the next step isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I'm going to be OK.