No, "just friends" doesn't work

Almost two months ago, someone who has become near and dear to me said something I should've taken to heart a lot sooner. Heck, a lot of people said the same thing but I didn't want to hear it. I'm stubborn, not stupid I guess …

"Let's be friends."

The death knell to many a relationship. You have romantic aspirations and your object of desire doesn't feel the same. Or you're romantically involved and "all of a sudden" your partner isn't in love with you and wants to be "just friends." Guess what? That shit doesn't work. Nope. Not at all. Forget it. If it does, it takes months, even years. Hell, my parents didn't really become friends after their divorce until several years later, and it took a traumatic, life-changing event involving my dad for that to happen. Time has a way of sorting things out I guess. Time lets anger subside, it dulls the pain. Memories fade. With some things.

Nearly four months later, a lot of what I felt has begun to fade. There was a time I wanted to remember all of it; I didn't want to forget what I was feeling so I could prevent it from happening again. But a few things happened and changed that: I realized the only times I thought or talked about the ex, it was negative. I realized he wasn't a friend, and stopped thinking of him as one. Best of all, a wonderful guy became … more than a friend.

I have very strong feelings regarding friendship. I've said that I'm loyal to the point of stupidity, which explains my reluctance to listen to people about being friends with the ex. I'll do whatever is within my means to help you if you need a hand. It's just the way I am. I'm very passionate about my friends and people who are close to me. I can be overly protective. Stubbornness and the fact I don't do things half way … it can be an odd combination at times. Hell, I'm this way with folks I know through the internet (not strangers; I've got a few friends I've known for several years only through e-mail, discussion boards and chatting).

So it shouldn't be any surprise that I took all of this loyalty and passion and figured it would be there for the ex when everything was said and done. After all, he said when the divorce was final, we could hang out and be friends again, right? He said he wanted to stay friends, and well, if you're my friend, you're not going to lie to me, right? Right?

Well fuck that. We know how this story goes.

Lying to me, or a lie by omission are the same thing. Being treated like shit doesn't rate too high in my book, either. Generally being an asshole scores quite low too. So that whole thing about being friends? How about taking a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut? That seems to fit a lot better.

I have no intention of being friends with the ex-person (I can't claim this gem; Scott gets all the credit … heh). Right now, I don't even want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him in my life. But here I am, on what would've been my fourth wedding anniversary, writing a journal entry about how I basically despise the man who — just five months ago — was still the love of my life and my true love.

Sweet Jesus. What. The. Fuck.

It's good to be jaded and cynical again. I was filled with the touchy-feely "must get over this" good vibes for awhile there. Oh, I definitely needed to be there. I needed to shove away the bitterness long enough to know it wouldn't consume me. But now that I'm actually feeling good about life again, hey, it's back. I'm a little rusty, but I think I'll manage. Being back in a newsroom helps with the cynicism. And realizing what a cock wrangler the ex is helps a great deal. I don't want his love, I don't want his friendship. When — or if — I want to be friends, I'll let him know.

And it feels good to have *real* friends. I've got a move coming up, and I was surprised to see how many people offered to help. It's been, "Oh, I've got a truck. I should be able to help that day. Let me know." I've only had one person say he wouldn't be able to help, and that's because he's already helped two friends move. I wasn't going to ask him, but still. These folks stepped up before I mentioned there would be Krispy Kremes that morning and steak and beer that evening. I don't need him or his friendship. It's taken me a long time to realize I don't need him any more. That's actually a big step for me.

Yes, a lot of this goes back to me having someone in my life. Anything I write about that is going to come off sounding trite, and I don't want to diminish it. I know what I feel, I know that it's different than what I felt with the ex. It's hard to explain without making it sound like I made a mistake getting married (I still maintain I didn't) or that I've placed all kinds of unrealistic expectations on my current situation. No and no. I'm in love; what else can I say? Once again getting into complicated territory near 4 a.m. You'd think I'd learn.

Anyway, the point is, no, friends with the ex-person won't work. I don't want it to work, certainly not now. Things are pretty OK in my world right now without him, and I suspect that will continue to be the case. Far more enjoyable to focus positive energy on my guy than put any effort into feeling anything toward the ex. Husband? I was married? Heh.

You were right, and I have the e-mail to prove it. Thanks, babe.