In between

Everything I've been through has proven how valuable perspective is. Certainly, the big picture has changed for me, but there are smaller changes that are important too.

When I step back and look at what a life-changing event the divorce was, it really makes me realize the little setbacks in life are just that — setbacks. Nothing life-changing, just inconveniences really. The best thing about that? They can be overcome. Just takes a little bit of patience and perseverance. The first, I'm still working on. The second ties in with my stubborn nature and the fact that if something is worth fighting for, I will fight for it. I still get discouraged; I won't lie about that. I think that should happen when you care about something. But I don't dwell on it, at least I try not to. I've mentioned that I've become something of an optimist. Beneath irreverence, sarcasm and cynicism, I really want to believe things will work out. Like, I really want to believe the American public won't be duped into four more years of Dubya. The cynic knows that won't be the case, but hey, we can dream, right?

Not really sure why, but I'm reminded of this verse from "Here I Am":

Look
I understand too little too late
I realize there are things you say and do
You can never take back
But what would you be if you didn't even try
You have to try
So after a lot of thought
I'd like to reconsider
Please
If it's not too late
Make it a cheeseburger

I think it's the way Lyle says "You have to try" in the song. I suppose what perspective has taught me is that you can't give up so easily. Be resourceful, figure out a way to make things happen the way you want them to. So it really goes back to my whole belief in making your own luck. Or something. I had a thought and it left. I blame the headache I've got from the one beer I drank 6 hours ago (damn lightweight, I know).

I'd like to think I don't get as frustrated or disappointed as easily. That's not to say I don't feel those things, it's just all about how I deal with them. It's not an "oh well, who cares" attitude, nor is it one of resignation. It's, "Oh, this happened and it means I won't be able to do that. Guess I'll have to wait until next time." It comes down to appreciating what you have and not wishing for something that's not there. I went through a phase when I was wishing the ex would change his mind, that he'd realize he'd made a mistake and he'd come back. When you wish for something like that and it doesn't happen, it only leads to pain. It sure did for me. And then you're doing the whole pity party thing, and it's hard to dig out because you're disappointed about something you shouldn't have had hopes for, you're depressed because you know you shouldn't have put yourself in that position and it's just an awful cycle that feeds on itself. Did that make sense? It did in my head, not sure about here in black and white. That was the old way of looking at things. The new way is to hope for the best, and be grateful if it happens — enjoy it, soak it in, love it, celebrate it. If it doesn't happen, hey, you tried, and chances are, there is some kind of right-wing conspiracy at work and must be defeated regardless. But seriously, it's like Lyle said: "You have to try." More convoluted thinking as 4 a.m. approaches … that's still one lesson I haven't learned.

Translation (now that my inner-editor is semi-conscious): Enjoy the good times and use them to tide you over until you can make new good times. The stuff in between is just a lull. No negativity attached to it. It just is. It's a very different way of looking at things for me; I started applying it to work when I started getting annoyed with people. Work became a lull between the time I spent at home. An odd way of looking at things, sure. And there are days where I really enjoy being there. Just not during a redesign, in which case work is the lull between sleep and beer. Or killing things. Don't focus on the drudgery of work, just get through it and move on. That's what the divorce taught me: don't focus on the bullshit and the pain, focus on what your new life has in store for you, and how much better off you'll be. There is no way in hell I would've had this kind of perspective on life on say, June 17. No way. I don't think there were really any feelings of hope until … July? Need to double-check the "dark" journal for confirmation on that …

And please, know that there is no finger-pointing or anything like that associated with any of this. It's just me taking the time to figure out what's different about the way I look at the world these days. I feel better about thoughts, feelings, emotions or ideas after I've put them out there for someone besides me to see. Lately, I've written a lot of stuff in the private journal that's ended up in this space or various e-mails or conversations to you folks. Obviously, I'm looking for some kind of validation; I've still got enough insecurities left over from the breakup where I want that confirmation that I'm doing OK. Or that whoa, you need to take a time out.

Anyway, before this entry gets any weirder, I need to get some sleep. I can't believe one freakin' beer gave me a headache like this …