I know moving sucks, but I seem to forget just how much until I'm in the middle of it.
So it rained a lot today. That sucked. I have too much stuff. That sucked. But we're almost done, which is a really, really good thing. Got the kitchen, sheds and some furniture left to move, so hopefully, it won't take that long.
Pretty tired now. Got up after 8 in the hopes of packing stuff, and that didn't happen as well as it should've. But I had a lot of help from folks — including my special guy (yay oh yay oh yay!!) so I only freaked out a little bit.
But I did feel like writing something tonight, just because I can; housemate has DSL and the laptop auto-detected his wireless network, and I'm posting this from the couch. Too bad Macs suck so much...
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Happily divorced
Yeah, it would appear that's the case now...
Last night, it became readily apparent that I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned — either here, or in e-mail to some of you who have this link — that I've begun to forget what it was like to be married. It's sad and funny at the same time. It's sad because I thought I had found true love, the love of my life, the man I wanted to be with forever. Then he turns around and says he doesn't want to be with me, that he's found someone better. And yet, I still wanted to cling to that ideal, that image of what I wanted him to be. How could he find someone else? Why wasn't I good enough? The funny thing is, now that it's over, I'm glad that it ended. I'm glad I've found someone amazing, someone who makes me happy in just about every way. Some one who is just so wonderful to talk to or be with or think about. I know, it's sickeningly sweet; it scares both of us at times I think. But there's something neat about having lunch with someone and grinning so much it's tough to get through your meal. This is very new to me.
I know this isn't the time for me to reflect on the good aspects of my marriage. Frankly, the less I think about the ex, the better. I'm more interested in thinking about, being with and raving about my special guy. I think I've earned that. And I think it's good I'm starting to get to the point where the ex just isn't a factor in my life any more. I'm going to live my life, and he can go live his. If our paths happen to cross, I'll still have to try and be the better person. I'll have to resist the temptation to tell him how happy I am to not be with him.
And I've begun to see some very important differences in the way we look at life. My sources tell me the ex is a complete dick to be around at work. I know things suck at the office, but you'd like to think that if the personal life is so great, that would help take the edge off at work. I had an experience the other day where I was really ready to quit my job on the spot. I think a few years ago, I would've quit. But Wednesday, I took a deep breath, calmed down and remembered I needed the money, needed this job and should just ride it out. And since the special guy is never far from my thoughts to begin with, I thought about how happy I am away from work, and how he'd give me endless amounts of shit if I quit. It's all about what you carry with you.
I used to take work home. I used to let things eat at me, I used to worry, I used to get wound up about what other people thought and the lack of quality in their work. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I realized that if I do the best job I can and take pride in my work, I really shouldn't have a lot to worry about. Factor in a great personal life, and it's about as balanced as I've felt in a long time. Hell, I don't think I've ever had this kind of balance in my life. In this case, the good stuff far outweighs the bad. Why focus on the negative? God, it's so much better to dwell on the stuff that makes you happy. Why did it take me so fucking long to figure that out? Scary to think this might be the first time I've really found happiness. Better late than never, I guess. And if I don't get divorced, I don't hook up with my special guy. And that would be a shame. So many things to experience with him … This is why, like him, I count myself as "happily divorced." He's got his reasons; he's my main reason. Perspective. It's good shit.
But what I carry with me … here's a list:
• a sense of independence
• the strength to survive a soul-crushing breakup
• a more positive outlook on life
• an even more twisted sense of humor
• a willingness to take chances
• love for a very wonderful man
• love from a man who calls me "amazing"
• a renewed passion for journalism
• strength and support from great friends
• strength and support from my parents
Just a few things on that list would be enough for a lot of people. And I'm sure I could list more, but these are the ones that came to mind without really trying. How can I fail? How can I not succeed with that kind of stuff going for me? I've got people who care about me, people who will pick me up if I'm down, people with shoulders for me to cry on. People who will set me straight if I'm being too hard on myself, or if I'm full of shit. I'm lucky to have that, I'm thankful to have that.
And on the eve of my move, I think I really am ready to move forward and close this chapter of my life. I wasn't so sure yesterday or the day before. But now, especially since I can see the good stuff in black and white, I know that the next step isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I'm going to be OK.
Last night, it became readily apparent that I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned — either here, or in e-mail to some of you who have this link — that I've begun to forget what it was like to be married. It's sad and funny at the same time. It's sad because I thought I had found true love, the love of my life, the man I wanted to be with forever. Then he turns around and says he doesn't want to be with me, that he's found someone better. And yet, I still wanted to cling to that ideal, that image of what I wanted him to be. How could he find someone else? Why wasn't I good enough? The funny thing is, now that it's over, I'm glad that it ended. I'm glad I've found someone amazing, someone who makes me happy in just about every way. Some one who is just so wonderful to talk to or be with or think about. I know, it's sickeningly sweet; it scares both of us at times I think. But there's something neat about having lunch with someone and grinning so much it's tough to get through your meal. This is very new to me.
I know this isn't the time for me to reflect on the good aspects of my marriage. Frankly, the less I think about the ex, the better. I'm more interested in thinking about, being with and raving about my special guy. I think I've earned that. And I think it's good I'm starting to get to the point where the ex just isn't a factor in my life any more. I'm going to live my life, and he can go live his. If our paths happen to cross, I'll still have to try and be the better person. I'll have to resist the temptation to tell him how happy I am to not be with him.
And I've begun to see some very important differences in the way we look at life. My sources tell me the ex is a complete dick to be around at work. I know things suck at the office, but you'd like to think that if the personal life is so great, that would help take the edge off at work. I had an experience the other day where I was really ready to quit my job on the spot. I think a few years ago, I would've quit. But Wednesday, I took a deep breath, calmed down and remembered I needed the money, needed this job and should just ride it out. And since the special guy is never far from my thoughts to begin with, I thought about how happy I am away from work, and how he'd give me endless amounts of shit if I quit. It's all about what you carry with you.
I used to take work home. I used to let things eat at me, I used to worry, I used to get wound up about what other people thought and the lack of quality in their work. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I realized that if I do the best job I can and take pride in my work, I really shouldn't have a lot to worry about. Factor in a great personal life, and it's about as balanced as I've felt in a long time. Hell, I don't think I've ever had this kind of balance in my life. In this case, the good stuff far outweighs the bad. Why focus on the negative? God, it's so much better to dwell on the stuff that makes you happy. Why did it take me so fucking long to figure that out? Scary to think this might be the first time I've really found happiness. Better late than never, I guess. And if I don't get divorced, I don't hook up with my special guy. And that would be a shame. So many things to experience with him … This is why, like him, I count myself as "happily divorced." He's got his reasons; he's my main reason. Perspective. It's good shit.
But what I carry with me … here's a list:
• a sense of independence
• the strength to survive a soul-crushing breakup
• a more positive outlook on life
• an even more twisted sense of humor
• a willingness to take chances
• love for a very wonderful man
• love from a man who calls me "amazing"
• a renewed passion for journalism
• strength and support from great friends
• strength and support from my parents
Just a few things on that list would be enough for a lot of people. And I'm sure I could list more, but these are the ones that came to mind without really trying. How can I fail? How can I not succeed with that kind of stuff going for me? I've got people who care about me, people who will pick me up if I'm down, people with shoulders for me to cry on. People who will set me straight if I'm being too hard on myself, or if I'm full of shit. I'm lucky to have that, I'm thankful to have that.
And on the eve of my move, I think I really am ready to move forward and close this chapter of my life. I wasn't so sure yesterday or the day before. But now, especially since I can see the good stuff in black and white, I know that the next step isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I'm going to be OK.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
What a day...
I blame today on the full moon and subsequent lunar eclipse. Or something.
The day started out well enough. Aside from the part where I went to bed at 4 a.m. and woke up at 6, 6:30, 8 and then 10. I don't know what the hell my problem was, other than maybe I was excited about the lunch date. And that was quite nice. That particular Quizno's has the worst parking lot designed by monkeys, but the food was good and the company was stellar. Any amount of time I'm able to spend with my special guy is great. Yeah, Jen's a sappy romantic. Get over it.
Lunch was followed by an attempt at packing, which was interrupted by me getting overly ... sentimental? Don't know if that's the word I'm looking for... regardless, my old friend, self-doubt, decided to make an appearance. Yes, life is moving along for me now. New job, new love, new place to live. Moving will provide closure. Except that I started to think about the past six years and got sad. And the idea of being out on my own is kind of scary. I'll have a roommate, sure, and I've got a great guy who I love dearly, but there's a part of me that goes, "oh shit... this really is life after marriage." I'll be fine; it was just sort of an odd thought that stuck with me for part of the afternoon. I don't have any regrets, certainly not about getting divorced. I'm so much happier now; I don't get to this spot emotionally if I'm still married. And frankly, I can't imagine life without my guy (sorry, "boyfriend" sounds too high schoolish for my tastes). Everything happens for a reason, right? If my marriage wasn't supposed to last and this is how my life is supposed to be, I don't have a whole lot to be bitter about. So OK then. That's no bitterness about the love/personal life, for the record.
Work tested my patience in new and exciting ways today. Through all of this redesign shit, all we've been hearing is about how people don't like this, or this doesn't work, or why did you do things that way? I've been through enough of these things where the stuff that's cropping up is cropping up because WE WENT LIVE WITH IT TOO FUCKING SOON. Planning? Communication? Fucking hello? So instead of ANYONE at that fucking place having one nice thing to say about any of it, all we get are complaints. I'm not asking for a lot. Just acknowledge that there were several of us who worked hard on this. And we're feeling really unappreciated right now. And when you piss me off and make me feel unappreciated, chances are, both sides will lose. If I had something else lined up, I would've walked right out of there. Want to retain employees? Learn how to communicate with EVERYONE. Don't manage with your emotions. Back your people every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that there is some kind of separation between editorial and advertising? Yes, we need to work together. But I don't fucking build house ads, OK? Just like you stupid fuckers don't write headlines and edit copy. Oh, and most importantly, DON'T GO ON VACATION WHILE WE'RE TRYING TO GET THIS SHIT DONE AND THEN ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACK FROM THE ROAD. No, really. I'll be fine.
But, I'm in a great mood anyway. I got that off my chest and now it's time for the weekend. Well, time for sleep, anyway.
Oh, and note to self: Don't order anything from Wendy's besides salads. I had an order of chicken nuggets, and I swear my stomach is trying to implode. Or something. Christ...
One last thing. If all that wasn't enough, the freakin' Red Sox swept the Cardinals tonight. Tony LaRussa looked so sad. But I am happy for Boston...
The day started out well enough. Aside from the part where I went to bed at 4 a.m. and woke up at 6, 6:30, 8 and then 10. I don't know what the hell my problem was, other than maybe I was excited about the lunch date. And that was quite nice. That particular Quizno's has the worst parking lot designed by monkeys, but the food was good and the company was stellar. Any amount of time I'm able to spend with my special guy is great. Yeah, Jen's a sappy romantic. Get over it.
Lunch was followed by an attempt at packing, which was interrupted by me getting overly ... sentimental? Don't know if that's the word I'm looking for... regardless, my old friend, self-doubt, decided to make an appearance. Yes, life is moving along for me now. New job, new love, new place to live. Moving will provide closure. Except that I started to think about the past six years and got sad. And the idea of being out on my own is kind of scary. I'll have a roommate, sure, and I've got a great guy who I love dearly, but there's a part of me that goes, "oh shit... this really is life after marriage." I'll be fine; it was just sort of an odd thought that stuck with me for part of the afternoon. I don't have any regrets, certainly not about getting divorced. I'm so much happier now; I don't get to this spot emotionally if I'm still married. And frankly, I can't imagine life without my guy (sorry, "boyfriend" sounds too high schoolish for my tastes). Everything happens for a reason, right? If my marriage wasn't supposed to last and this is how my life is supposed to be, I don't have a whole lot to be bitter about. So OK then. That's no bitterness about the love/personal life, for the record.
Work tested my patience in new and exciting ways today. Through all of this redesign shit, all we've been hearing is about how people don't like this, or this doesn't work, or why did you do things that way? I've been through enough of these things where the stuff that's cropping up is cropping up because WE WENT LIVE WITH IT TOO FUCKING SOON. Planning? Communication? Fucking hello? So instead of ANYONE at that fucking place having one nice thing to say about any of it, all we get are complaints. I'm not asking for a lot. Just acknowledge that there were several of us who worked hard on this. And we're feeling really unappreciated right now. And when you piss me off and make me feel unappreciated, chances are, both sides will lose. If I had something else lined up, I would've walked right out of there. Want to retain employees? Learn how to communicate with EVERYONE. Don't manage with your emotions. Back your people every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that there is some kind of separation between editorial and advertising? Yes, we need to work together. But I don't fucking build house ads, OK? Just like you stupid fuckers don't write headlines and edit copy. Oh, and most importantly, DON'T GO ON VACATION WHILE WE'RE TRYING TO GET THIS SHIT DONE AND THEN ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACK FROM THE ROAD. No, really. I'll be fine.
But, I'm in a great mood anyway. I got that off my chest and now it's time for the weekend. Well, time for sleep, anyway.
Oh, and note to self: Don't order anything from Wendy's besides salads. I had an order of chicken nuggets, and I swear my stomach is trying to implode. Or something. Christ...
One last thing. If all that wasn't enough, the freakin' Red Sox swept the Cardinals tonight. Tony LaRussa looked so sad. But I am happy for Boston...
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
.:Happy Dance:.
Yes, despite a hellish few weeks at work, our heroine has plenty to be happy about. Hmmm… wonder what that could be?
It could be the fact I've seen my special guy two days in a row. Going back to swing shift means I can meet him for lunch! It's better than not seeing him for three weeks (that was actually pretty tough on me). Oh, but a lunch break isn't all that long, you say. And you'd be correct. But let me put it this way: There aren't enough hours in the day. Read that any way you'd like, but it wasn't intended to send the mind screaming into the gutter. At least not right off. Lunch and conversation, OK? Sheesh. Yes, I'm going all sappy and romantic and stuff, which can be kind of scary (or sickening, depending on your point of view) but dammit, this is what being in love is supposed to feel like, and I'm going to enjoy this.
But, there's nothing like being in a great mood and then having people at work piss in your Cheerios the second you bounce through the door. Oddly enough, I've still managed to be relatively upbeat about stuff. That's what happens when the personal life is fabulous. If anyone is actually reading this, I'm beating a dead horse. But forgive me for being happy when just a few months ago, my imperfect little world came crashing to a halt and went spinning off into the abyss.
It's kind of funny — today, JB asked me how things were going. I asked if he meant personally or professionally. He said, "Well, professionally. You won't shut up about how great the personal life is." We both got a good laugh out of that. He is right; it's made a tremendous difference in my attitude. It's not even a matter of retreating to my "happy place" when the shit hits the fan; it's all about knowing that anything that comes up at work can be handled with a little bit of perseverance. Why panic? Put your head down and get shit done. That's all you can do with anything, really. Bear down and get through it. Having a good life away from work definitely helps.
Also, I've been through enough redesigns to know that bad things will happen. People will be upset because things have changed — internally and externally. You ask for patience and you get things sorted out as best you can. I will admit, it is scary being the person look to for answers since the higher ups didn't follow through on a lot of things…
It's amazing the way it feels like things are coming together. The job is going well; the love life … heh, do ya think that's going well? And now I'm moving. The move will pretty much close the book on my old life. I didn't really want to move at first, but I think this will be good. I can save some money, and it will be nice to have fewer bills. As a general rule, I hate moving, and I really don't want to have to move again until … well, I'll just say it would require a life-changing event.
But yeah. Work. I don't hate my job, not by a long stretch. I don't like the fact that there's a serious lack of communication, or that not everyone takes pride in their work. I can't do things half-assed. Just is not even a consideration. And when I make a mistake, I own up to it. I believe in accountability in all things. I guess I'm just funny that way.
Anyway, this has turned into enough of a ramble (been doing that a lot lately, just not in this space). I should go to bed, but I'm actually too excited/happy to want to do that. And I think that's kinda neat.
It could be the fact I've seen my special guy two days in a row. Going back to swing shift means I can meet him for lunch! It's better than not seeing him for three weeks (that was actually pretty tough on me). Oh, but a lunch break isn't all that long, you say. And you'd be correct. But let me put it this way: There aren't enough hours in the day. Read that any way you'd like, but it wasn't intended to send the mind screaming into the gutter. At least not right off. Lunch and conversation, OK? Sheesh. Yes, I'm going all sappy and romantic and stuff, which can be kind of scary (or sickening, depending on your point of view) but dammit, this is what being in love is supposed to feel like, and I'm going to enjoy this.
But, there's nothing like being in a great mood and then having people at work piss in your Cheerios the second you bounce through the door. Oddly enough, I've still managed to be relatively upbeat about stuff. That's what happens when the personal life is fabulous. If anyone is actually reading this, I'm beating a dead horse. But forgive me for being happy when just a few months ago, my imperfect little world came crashing to a halt and went spinning off into the abyss.
It's kind of funny — today, JB asked me how things were going. I asked if he meant personally or professionally. He said, "Well, professionally. You won't shut up about how great the personal life is." We both got a good laugh out of that. He is right; it's made a tremendous difference in my attitude. It's not even a matter of retreating to my "happy place" when the shit hits the fan; it's all about knowing that anything that comes up at work can be handled with a little bit of perseverance. Why panic? Put your head down and get shit done. That's all you can do with anything, really. Bear down and get through it. Having a good life away from work definitely helps.
Also, I've been through enough redesigns to know that bad things will happen. People will be upset because things have changed — internally and externally. You ask for patience and you get things sorted out as best you can. I will admit, it is scary being the person look to for answers since the higher ups didn't follow through on a lot of things…
It's amazing the way it feels like things are coming together. The job is going well; the love life … heh, do ya think that's going well? And now I'm moving. The move will pretty much close the book on my old life. I didn't really want to move at first, but I think this will be good. I can save some money, and it will be nice to have fewer bills. As a general rule, I hate moving, and I really don't want to have to move again until … well, I'll just say it would require a life-changing event.
But yeah. Work. I don't hate my job, not by a long stretch. I don't like the fact that there's a serious lack of communication, or that not everyone takes pride in their work. I can't do things half-assed. Just is not even a consideration. And when I make a mistake, I own up to it. I believe in accountability in all things. I guess I'm just funny that way.
Anyway, this has turned into enough of a ramble (been doing that a lot lately, just not in this space). I should go to bed, but I'm actually too excited/happy to want to do that. And I think that's kinda neat.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Simple pleasures
It's pretty cold out today… was 45 when I was out applying Rain-x to the windows on the car. So I came in and made a bowl of noodles — Sapporo Ichiban, just like in the picture there. I think that was some of the first solid food I ever ate, so that means I've been eating the stuff for … 30+ years? (sweet fucking god…). And the stuff tastes great, just like it did when I was a kid. It's comfort food. So I got thinking, what are the little things that make me happy? Here's an incomplete list:
• Sapporo Ichiban (orignal flavor)
• A good pair of Levi's
• Fresh sheets
• The way things smell after it rains
• A soft, warm blanket
• A comfortable, worn pair of boots
• Thunder and lightning
• Hot, fresh pizza from Flying Pie
• Staying up till sunrise playing video games
• Hearing from old friends
• Good, long hugs
• Holding hands
• Pay day
• The first day of the NFL
• Brilliant sunsets
• Falling asleep/waking up next to someone you love
• Dogs that smile
• Purring cats
• Care packages from home
• Japanese green tea
• The Pacific Ocean
• Listening to music on the $2,000 surround sound
• Writing
• Conversation
• Sleeping in
• Star gazing
That's it for now. Time for work, dammit.
Dog as escape artist
"Hello. Do you have a dog? Well, he's right here in front of my house."
Shit…
A brick mason came by the house yesterday morning to do an estimate for the landlord. Aside from waking me up from a dead sleep (he wasn't supposed to do that) he apparently failed to secure the back gate after he left. I checked the gate, but I was half awake and it was raining, so I obviously missed the fact it wasn't closed properly.
I go on my merry way to the hell that work turned into, and about 6:10, I get a call from a guy on my cell, asking if I had a dog, and did I know he escaped?
Me: He's in front of your house?
Him: Yeah… he was limping a little bit, so I wanted to take a look at him.
Me: Is he wearing a blue bandanna?
Him: Yup.
Me: Oh shit.
So this guy, whose name was Brandon, said he'd bring the dog back to the house and make sure the gate was shut tight. I guess the dog headed west down our street, then turned left and went up the hill. I don't even want to think about what would've happened if this guy hadn't found Captain Dumbass. He's not really a smart dog, and I can imagine all kinds of horrible things happening if he got loose in traffic.
I got to a stopping point at work and hauled ass back here, put the dog in the house and hauled ass back to the office. I wish I had been able to just stay here, since work was such a joy last night. But oh well. I felt like I had to come back and make sure Roscoe was OK. I've got a lot invested in him — financially and emotionally. He's my bud. I can't let anything happen to the PooDawg, despite the fact I make fun of him and complain about the way he smells… That dog and I have been through some tough times, or rather, I've been through some tough times, and he's been there, just being himself.
Maybe he didn't like the bandanna (which was leftover from the trip to the vet Thursday). But hell if I'm going to take it off at this point.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Wednesday's song
Yup, more Social D. What'd you expect?
Yup yup, love this album. It's good stuff. More songs about love than their other efforts. But it's cool to have love songs that don't sound like love songs. Anyway.
Faithless ~ Social Distortion
I know a girl who warns of the dangers of love
All the pain and the anguish, the sorrow that it brings
She keeps herself in a world that’s protected
Her outsides are tough
But inside her heart longs to sing
Chorus:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
He’s gonna get his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his neck
And hope he never, never lives to regret
He’s gonna walk down that long dark alley
And what he finds there you know he’ll never forget
:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
They’re crashing down now, you might fall in love
I remember a time I believed
That the words love and pain were both one in the same
I’m gonna trade in my old ways for a new shot at life
I’m gonna change, change my direction
I’m gonna change my ways
:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
They’re crashing down now
It’s you I’m thinking of, it’s you I’m thinking of
You might fall in love; it’s you I’m thinking of
We might fall in love
Let’s fall in love
Yup yup, love this album. It's good stuff. More songs about love than their other efforts. But it's cool to have love songs that don't sound like love songs. Anyway.
Faithless ~ Social Distortion
I know a girl who warns of the dangers of love
All the pain and the anguish, the sorrow that it brings
She keeps herself in a world that’s protected
Her outsides are tough
But inside her heart longs to sing
Chorus:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
He’s gonna get his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his neck
And hope he never, never lives to regret
He’s gonna walk down that long dark alley
And what he finds there you know he’ll never forget
:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
They’re crashing down now, you might fall in love
I remember a time I believed
That the words love and pain were both one in the same
I’m gonna trade in my old ways for a new shot at life
I’m gonna change, change my direction
I’m gonna change my ways
:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
They’re crashing down now
It’s you I’m thinking of, it’s you I’m thinking of
You might fall in love; it’s you I’m thinking of
We might fall in love
Let’s fall in love
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Out of sight, out of mind
You know, that's not always the case. And I can prove it.
The counter argument to "out of sight, out of mind" is "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Our heroine hasn't seen her special guy for … holy shit, two weeks now. Under the "out of sight, out of mind" school of thought, she wouldn't think about him since she hasn't seen him. She'd just go about her business and not really feel like she's missing out. Eh. Fuck that; clearly, that isn't the case.
The whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" school of thought falls more in line with my whole thing of enjoying the good times and using them to tide you over until you can make new good times. Yes, it's simplistic, but some of the best things for me have been the least complicated. Gratitude is underused and under appreciated these days. For a person to really appreciate something deeply, I really think you have to had lost something. People who have near-death experiences often enjoy life more and go at things with zest and gusto. Having been in love and lost love, I definitely appreciate what I have. "Appreciate" really sounds like an understatement, but I can't think of another word.
And it's not a matter of pining away or moping because you can't be together. Or being depressed because plans fall through. It feels great knowing that there is exactly one other person in the world who loves me as much as I love him, that thinking about him makes me incredibly happy. That talking to him can turn my day around. I like the way that feels. I can carry those thoughts and feelings with me anywhere. I'll just smile for what appears to be no reason — in the car, at work, wherever. Well, the reason is because I've remembered something funny or cute or *rawrrr* about my guy. Of course I'd like to be with him; frankly, I'd like to kidnap him for an extended period of time. In lieu of that, I have some pretty fond memories to draw on. Heh.
After being cautious in the beginning, it's all so exciting now. Life is too short not to take chances. I'm glad I wasn't a chickenshit and followed through with that. It was a big jump, especially when I think of where I've been the past four months, but I'm glad I followed my heart. Can't follow my head all the time; I do that often enough. Once again with the triteness, but I've rediscovered what it's like to be passionate. It feels good to feel like I'm "me" again. I don't have to be someone I'm not — personally or professionally. I just am. That's some good shit right there.
To play devil's advocate, it sounds like some weird dependency deal. Wrong. There was dependency when I was with the ex. I wanted to win his approval, I wanted to impress him, I wanted to be with him all the time, I needed him to be around to feel happy. Having someone you feel all that stuff for tell you they don't love you any more, well it kills A LOT. You re-learn independence. You vow that you'll be more in control, more cautious. Oh yeah, you're still wanting to win approval, but it's a little different now. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly. It's part of that whole "hooking up" process; if you can find someone who really, truly accepts you for who you are, then you've won the approval you've been seeking. They want to be with you because you're you, and there's really no greater compliment you could ask for.
I guess in the end, it comes down to desire. You could argue being away from the ex would make me fonder of him. Well, it doesn't apply to people you'd want to hit in the face with a shovel. There is no desire to see him, really, very little in the way of feelings — except for negative ones. Remember, the key word is "fonder." So using the ex as an example served no purpose except to acknowledge that some form of bodily harm would be amusing. And all that does is take time away from me thinking happy thoughts about my special guy. And there's never too much of that.
Time for sleep I suppose.
The counter argument to "out of sight, out of mind" is "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Our heroine hasn't seen her special guy for … holy shit, two weeks now. Under the "out of sight, out of mind" school of thought, she wouldn't think about him since she hasn't seen him. She'd just go about her business and not really feel like she's missing out. Eh. Fuck that; clearly, that isn't the case.
The whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" school of thought falls more in line with my whole thing of enjoying the good times and using them to tide you over until you can make new good times. Yes, it's simplistic, but some of the best things for me have been the least complicated. Gratitude is underused and under appreciated these days. For a person to really appreciate something deeply, I really think you have to had lost something. People who have near-death experiences often enjoy life more and go at things with zest and gusto. Having been in love and lost love, I definitely appreciate what I have. "Appreciate" really sounds like an understatement, but I can't think of another word.
And it's not a matter of pining away or moping because you can't be together. Or being depressed because plans fall through. It feels great knowing that there is exactly one other person in the world who loves me as much as I love him, that thinking about him makes me incredibly happy. That talking to him can turn my day around. I like the way that feels. I can carry those thoughts and feelings with me anywhere. I'll just smile for what appears to be no reason — in the car, at work, wherever. Well, the reason is because I've remembered something funny or cute or *rawrrr* about my guy. Of course I'd like to be with him; frankly, I'd like to kidnap him for an extended period of time. In lieu of that, I have some pretty fond memories to draw on. Heh.
After being cautious in the beginning, it's all so exciting now. Life is too short not to take chances. I'm glad I wasn't a chickenshit and followed through with that. It was a big jump, especially when I think of where I've been the past four months, but I'm glad I followed my heart. Can't follow my head all the time; I do that often enough. Once again with the triteness, but I've rediscovered what it's like to be passionate. It feels good to feel like I'm "me" again. I don't have to be someone I'm not — personally or professionally. I just am. That's some good shit right there.
To play devil's advocate, it sounds like some weird dependency deal. Wrong. There was dependency when I was with the ex. I wanted to win his approval, I wanted to impress him, I wanted to be with him all the time, I needed him to be around to feel happy. Having someone you feel all that stuff for tell you they don't love you any more, well it kills A LOT. You re-learn independence. You vow that you'll be more in control, more cautious. Oh yeah, you're still wanting to win approval, but it's a little different now. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly. It's part of that whole "hooking up" process; if you can find someone who really, truly accepts you for who you are, then you've won the approval you've been seeking. They want to be with you because you're you, and there's really no greater compliment you could ask for.
I guess in the end, it comes down to desire. You could argue being away from the ex would make me fonder of him. Well, it doesn't apply to people you'd want to hit in the face with a shovel. There is no desire to see him, really, very little in the way of feelings — except for negative ones. Remember, the key word is "fonder." So using the ex as an example served no purpose except to acknowledge that some form of bodily harm would be amusing. And all that does is take time away from me thinking happy thoughts about my special guy. And there's never too much of that.
Time for sleep I suppose.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Today's song
Listened to this one in the car this morning, and several times during the day at work. And when I got home...
Yeah, it feels really good to be into Social D again. It's been too long since I've found a CD where I want to spend time getting to know each song. This disc is like that. I've purchased some of their older stuff the past few days, but this is the CD that got me back to them, so I feel a little bit of loyalty to it. I know that sounds weird, but it's me. What do you expect?
Listened to Angel's Wings (of course) but this one fit my mood, at least for the early part of the day. After I passed the 11-hour mark at work, I flat out didn't give a shit. And it felt good. I got a lot accomplished. Didn't do a great job with the daily, but what do you want with four pages in four hours? And one of them was wide open with a ton of local stuff. Eh. Not even through this beer and I'm rambling. Audience, you could be in trouble tonight…
Footprints on My Ceiling ~ Social Distortion
Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
Wanna go without a care
Pull gardenias from her hair
I think of a time we didn’t have a care in the world
Captivated by her beauty I knew it was my life long duty
She had all the grace and charm of a radiant queen
Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
We keep it all inside?
There are footprints on my ceiling
I can’t help this fucked up feeling
Something’s wrong, you ain’t comin’ around here no more
Try to get my thoughts together
I think of a time when things were better
This miscommunication is breaking me down
Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
How you treat your new best friend?
Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
My heart is heavy slowly sinking
I redirect my desperate thinking
And kiss her red full lips like I did the very first time
Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
There are footprints on my ceiling yea
And I kept it bottled up inside
All my life
Yeah, it feels really good to be into Social D again. It's been too long since I've found a CD where I want to spend time getting to know each song. This disc is like that. I've purchased some of their older stuff the past few days, but this is the CD that got me back to them, so I feel a little bit of loyalty to it. I know that sounds weird, but it's me. What do you expect?
Listened to Angel's Wings (of course) but this one fit my mood, at least for the early part of the day. After I passed the 11-hour mark at work, I flat out didn't give a shit. And it felt good. I got a lot accomplished. Didn't do a great job with the daily, but what do you want with four pages in four hours? And one of them was wide open with a ton of local stuff. Eh. Not even through this beer and I'm rambling. Audience, you could be in trouble tonight…
Footprints on My Ceiling ~ Social Distortion
Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
Wanna go without a care
Pull gardenias from her hair
I think of a time we didn’t have a care in the world
Captivated by her beauty I knew it was my life long duty
She had all the grace and charm of a radiant queen
Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
We keep it all inside?
There are footprints on my ceiling
I can’t help this fucked up feeling
Something’s wrong, you ain’t comin’ around here no more
Try to get my thoughts together
I think of a time when things were better
This miscommunication is breaking me down
Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
How you treat your new best friend?
Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
My heart is heavy slowly sinking
I redirect my desperate thinking
And kiss her red full lips like I did the very first time
Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
There are footprints on my ceiling yea
And I kept it bottled up inside
All my life
Monday, October 18, 2004
Another song
So many songs. I think the library is up to nearly 4,000 songs again. And I'm running out of space on the hard drive. I guess I know what my next computer-related investment will be … maybe after the move.
Didn't get to see these guys in concert, but that's OK. This is a good one on a CD full of really fun and neat songs. It's a slower song and makes some interesting points.
Whistles the Wind ~ Flogging Molly
Whistles the wind, blowing my way
Sweeping me back, back here to stay
Can winners be losers running on the same track?
Some head for glory, others refresh
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
My isolation, now there's a sobering thought
A minute alone, a lifetime too long
See the face in this mirror, so pale it could crack
Desperately wanting a color in lacks
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
So you drank with the lost souls for too many years
Time to be right cause they'll cripple with fear
Never been righteous, go sell them, we're wrong
Life's only life with you in this song
Now there's an ocean between us
Where I am and where I want to be
So you prayers in doubt, doubt not for me
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Oh you'll find your way out, but there's no going now
Every woman and child drags you down for the good
It's not safe being free, can't give back what you feel
You said you'll always be in heaven with me
Didn't get to see these guys in concert, but that's OK. This is a good one on a CD full of really fun and neat songs. It's a slower song and makes some interesting points.
Whistles the Wind ~ Flogging Molly
Whistles the wind, blowing my way
Sweeping me back, back here to stay
Can winners be losers running on the same track?
Some head for glory, others refresh
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
My isolation, now there's a sobering thought
A minute alone, a lifetime too long
See the face in this mirror, so pale it could crack
Desperately wanting a color in lacks
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
So you drank with the lost souls for too many years
Time to be right cause they'll cripple with fear
Never been righteous, go sell them, we're wrong
Life's only life with you in this song
Now there's an ocean between us
Where I am and where I want to be
So you prayers in doubt, doubt not for me
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Oh you'll find your way out, but there's no going now
Every woman and child drags you down for the good
It's not safe being free, can't give back what you feel
You said you'll always be in heaven with me
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Dog as sociopath
For some unknown reason, Roscoe has decided to wage a war against any squirrels that come into the back yard. I think this may have been his agenda since we moved here last year. They taunted him, he went searching for their secret stashes, inspecting areas where they might have hidden things. He's chased them when they've invaded the borders of the back yard, even got me to participate in a plan to scare them off with the old Airsoft gun. Sanctions were working. Searches revealed no stashes. And yet Thursday, something changed...
He's got an interesting method of killing them. There's no blood, and they really do look like they're asleep. I could tell he had licked them (he does this with all of his toys) and when he does that, it's only a matter of time before he figures out how to open up the damn thing.
So yeah. He seems to enjoy this. I'm not sure what to make of it. More pictures, if you care.
In between
Everything I've been through has proven how valuable perspective is. Certainly, the big picture has changed for me, but there are smaller changes that are important too.
When I step back and look at what a life-changing event the divorce was, it really makes me realize the little setbacks in life are just that — setbacks. Nothing life-changing, just inconveniences really. The best thing about that? They can be overcome. Just takes a little bit of patience and perseverance. The first, I'm still working on. The second ties in with my stubborn nature and the fact that if something is worth fighting for, I will fight for it. I still get discouraged; I won't lie about that. I think that should happen when you care about something. But I don't dwell on it, at least I try not to. I've mentioned that I've become something of an optimist. Beneath irreverence, sarcasm and cynicism, I really want to believe things will work out. Like, I really want to believe the American public won't be duped into four more years of Dubya. The cynic knows that won't be the case, but hey, we can dream, right?
Not really sure why, but I'm reminded of this verse from "Here I Am":
Look
I understand too little too late
I realize there are things you say and do
You can never take back
But what would you be if you didn't even try
You have to try
So after a lot of thought
I'd like to reconsider
Please
If it's not too late
Make it a cheeseburger
I think it's the way Lyle says "You have to try" in the song. I suppose what perspective has taught me is that you can't give up so easily. Be resourceful, figure out a way to make things happen the way you want them to. So it really goes back to my whole belief in making your own luck. Or something. I had a thought and it left. I blame the headache I've got from the one beer I drank 6 hours ago (damn lightweight, I know).
I'd like to think I don't get as frustrated or disappointed as easily. That's not to say I don't feel those things, it's just all about how I deal with them. It's not an "oh well, who cares" attitude, nor is it one of resignation. It's, "Oh, this happened and it means I won't be able to do that. Guess I'll have to wait until next time." It comes down to appreciating what you have and not wishing for something that's not there. I went through a phase when I was wishing the ex would change his mind, that he'd realize he'd made a mistake and he'd come back. When you wish for something like that and it doesn't happen, it only leads to pain. It sure did for me. And then you're doing the whole pity party thing, and it's hard to dig out because you're disappointed about something you shouldn't have had hopes for, you're depressed because you know you shouldn't have put yourself in that position and it's just an awful cycle that feeds on itself. Did that make sense? It did in my head, not sure about here in black and white. That was the old way of looking at things. The new way is to hope for the best, and be grateful if it happens — enjoy it, soak it in, love it, celebrate it. If it doesn't happen, hey, you tried, and chances are, there is some kind of right-wing conspiracy at work and must be defeated regardless. But seriously, it's like Lyle said: "You have to try." More convoluted thinking as 4 a.m. approaches … that's still one lesson I haven't learned.
Translation (now that my inner-editor is semi-conscious): Enjoy the good times and use them to tide you over until you can make new good times. The stuff in between is just a lull. No negativity attached to it. It just is. It's a very different way of looking at things for me; I started applying it to work when I started getting annoyed with people. Work became a lull between the time I spent at home. An odd way of looking at things, sure. And there are days where I really enjoy being there. Just not during a redesign, in which case work is the lull between sleep and beer. Or killing things. Don't focus on the drudgery of work, just get through it and move on. That's what the divorce taught me: don't focus on the bullshit and the pain, focus on what your new life has in store for you, and how much better off you'll be. There is no way in hell I would've had this kind of perspective on life on say, June 17. No way. I don't think there were really any feelings of hope until … July? Need to double-check the "dark" journal for confirmation on that …
And please, know that there is no finger-pointing or anything like that associated with any of this. It's just me taking the time to figure out what's different about the way I look at the world these days. I feel better about thoughts, feelings, emotions or ideas after I've put them out there for someone besides me to see. Lately, I've written a lot of stuff in the private journal that's ended up in this space or various e-mails or conversations to you folks. Obviously, I'm looking for some kind of validation; I've still got enough insecurities left over from the breakup where I want that confirmation that I'm doing OK. Or that whoa, you need to take a time out.
Anyway, before this entry gets any weirder, I need to get some sleep. I can't believe one freakin' beer gave me a headache like this …
When I step back and look at what a life-changing event the divorce was, it really makes me realize the little setbacks in life are just that — setbacks. Nothing life-changing, just inconveniences really. The best thing about that? They can be overcome. Just takes a little bit of patience and perseverance. The first, I'm still working on. The second ties in with my stubborn nature and the fact that if something is worth fighting for, I will fight for it. I still get discouraged; I won't lie about that. I think that should happen when you care about something. But I don't dwell on it, at least I try not to. I've mentioned that I've become something of an optimist. Beneath irreverence, sarcasm and cynicism, I really want to believe things will work out. Like, I really want to believe the American public won't be duped into four more years of Dubya. The cynic knows that won't be the case, but hey, we can dream, right?
Not really sure why, but I'm reminded of this verse from "Here I Am":
Look
I understand too little too late
I realize there are things you say and do
You can never take back
But what would you be if you didn't even try
You have to try
So after a lot of thought
I'd like to reconsider
Please
If it's not too late
Make it a cheeseburger
I think it's the way Lyle says "You have to try" in the song. I suppose what perspective has taught me is that you can't give up so easily. Be resourceful, figure out a way to make things happen the way you want them to. So it really goes back to my whole belief in making your own luck. Or something. I had a thought and it left. I blame the headache I've got from the one beer I drank 6 hours ago (damn lightweight, I know).
I'd like to think I don't get as frustrated or disappointed as easily. That's not to say I don't feel those things, it's just all about how I deal with them. It's not an "oh well, who cares" attitude, nor is it one of resignation. It's, "Oh, this happened and it means I won't be able to do that. Guess I'll have to wait until next time." It comes down to appreciating what you have and not wishing for something that's not there. I went through a phase when I was wishing the ex would change his mind, that he'd realize he'd made a mistake and he'd come back. When you wish for something like that and it doesn't happen, it only leads to pain. It sure did for me. And then you're doing the whole pity party thing, and it's hard to dig out because you're disappointed about something you shouldn't have had hopes for, you're depressed because you know you shouldn't have put yourself in that position and it's just an awful cycle that feeds on itself. Did that make sense? It did in my head, not sure about here in black and white. That was the old way of looking at things. The new way is to hope for the best, and be grateful if it happens — enjoy it, soak it in, love it, celebrate it. If it doesn't happen, hey, you tried, and chances are, there is some kind of right-wing conspiracy at work and must be defeated regardless. But seriously, it's like Lyle said: "You have to try." More convoluted thinking as 4 a.m. approaches … that's still one lesson I haven't learned.
Translation (now that my inner-editor is semi-conscious): Enjoy the good times and use them to tide you over until you can make new good times. The stuff in between is just a lull. No negativity attached to it. It just is. It's a very different way of looking at things for me; I started applying it to work when I started getting annoyed with people. Work became a lull between the time I spent at home. An odd way of looking at things, sure. And there are days where I really enjoy being there. Just not during a redesign, in which case work is the lull between sleep and beer. Or killing things. Don't focus on the drudgery of work, just get through it and move on. That's what the divorce taught me: don't focus on the bullshit and the pain, focus on what your new life has in store for you, and how much better off you'll be. There is no way in hell I would've had this kind of perspective on life on say, June 17. No way. I don't think there were really any feelings of hope until … July? Need to double-check the "dark" journal for confirmation on that …
And please, know that there is no finger-pointing or anything like that associated with any of this. It's just me taking the time to figure out what's different about the way I look at the world these days. I feel better about thoughts, feelings, emotions or ideas after I've put them out there for someone besides me to see. Lately, I've written a lot of stuff in the private journal that's ended up in this space or various e-mails or conversations to you folks. Obviously, I'm looking for some kind of validation; I've still got enough insecurities left over from the breakup where I want that confirmation that I'm doing OK. Or that whoa, you need to take a time out.
Anyway, before this entry gets any weirder, I need to get some sleep. I can't believe one freakin' beer gave me a headache like this …
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Wow.
I was going to come up with another list of songs. That's not happening this entry …
I was going through my iTunes library alphabetically by song. I heard this song when I was importing it last week, and thought it was weird it was on the album twice (there's an acoustic version). I didn't pay a whole lot attention to the song (I don't usually when I'm ripping albums). Tonight, I listened to this one a few times, then found the lyrics. Then listened to it again. And again. Listened to the acoustic version, then went back to the plugged-in version.
It's been a long time since I've had a song stop me cold because it fit. Lyrically, musically, I couldn't have asked for a better song for where I am right now. It's loud, it's got Mike Ness' growling, raspy voice. The guitars sound great. It's an older, wiser — but still old school sounding — Social D. It's been 8 years since these guys have cut an album. I can't believe I don't own more of their stuff (oh, I'll take care of that via iTMS later tonight. Damn you, Apple).
Yeah, I re-read what I just wrote and it sounds a little overly dramatic. But if you know me, and you know where I've been, you should know why this fits. I'm glad I rediscovered these guys. The closest they come to Boise is Salt Lake City (Sat. Nov. 6), Seattle (Fri. Nov. 12) or Reno (Thurs. Nov. 18). I can't see myself making it to any of those shows, dammit. That's why I love the internet. Someone will have at least one of their shows available for download. Speaking of downloads, here's the song and the lyrics. The song will stay until I need more space. Anyway. Oh, and if you like the song, drop me a note and let me know.
Angel's Wings ~ Social Distortion
You say you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
You say you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more
How many times have you asked yourself?
Is this the hand of fate now that I’ve been dealt?
You’re so disillusioned this can’t be real
And you can’t stand now the way you feel
I don’t care about what they say
I won’t live or die that way
Tired of figuring out things on my own
Angel’s wings won’t you carry me home?
And when you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
And when you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now, let go of your tears some more
(bridge)
And when you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
And when you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now, let go of your tears some more
I triumphed in the face of adversity
And I became the man I never thought I’d be
And now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
I guess I’m not as tough as I thought I was
I don’t care about what they say
I wanna marry you some day
Go ahead and wake up, it’s a brand new day
Angel’s wings gonna carry you away
Angel’s wings gonna carry me away
Angel’s wings gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away
I was going through my iTunes library alphabetically by song. I heard this song when I was importing it last week, and thought it was weird it was on the album twice (there's an acoustic version). I didn't pay a whole lot attention to the song (I don't usually when I'm ripping albums). Tonight, I listened to this one a few times, then found the lyrics. Then listened to it again. And again. Listened to the acoustic version, then went back to the plugged-in version.
It's been a long time since I've had a song stop me cold because it fit. Lyrically, musically, I couldn't have asked for a better song for where I am right now. It's loud, it's got Mike Ness' growling, raspy voice. The guitars sound great. It's an older, wiser — but still old school sounding — Social D. It's been 8 years since these guys have cut an album. I can't believe I don't own more of their stuff (oh, I'll take care of that via iTMS later tonight. Damn you, Apple).
Yeah, I re-read what I just wrote and it sounds a little overly dramatic. But if you know me, and you know where I've been, you should know why this fits. I'm glad I rediscovered these guys. The closest they come to Boise is Salt Lake City (Sat. Nov. 6), Seattle (Fri. Nov. 12) or Reno (Thurs. Nov. 18). I can't see myself making it to any of those shows, dammit. That's why I love the internet. Someone will have at least one of their shows available for download. Speaking of downloads, here's the song and the lyrics. The song will stay until I need more space. Anyway. Oh, and if you like the song, drop me a note and let me know.
Angel's Wings ~ Social Distortion
You say you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
You say you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more
How many times have you asked yourself?
Is this the hand of fate now that I’ve been dealt?
You’re so disillusioned this can’t be real
And you can’t stand now the way you feel
I don’t care about what they say
I won’t live or die that way
Tired of figuring out things on my own
Angel’s wings won’t you carry me home?
And when you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
And when you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now, let go of your tears some more
(bridge)
And when you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
And when you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now, let go of your tears some more
I triumphed in the face of adversity
And I became the man I never thought I’d be
And now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
I guess I’m not as tough as I thought I was
I don’t care about what they say
I wanna marry you some day
Go ahead and wake up, it’s a brand new day
Angel’s wings gonna carry you away
Angel’s wings gonna carry me away
Angel’s wings gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away
More lists!
I have 3,620 songs in my iTunes library. This doesn't count the 3 DVDs I've burned to archive music, or the CDs I haven't ripped yet. So we'll keep it simple. For a song to appear on one of my lists, it needs to live in the library or be on one of the archive DVDs. I'm a freak. We've been over this before.
Let's get the negative energy out of the way, shall we? All songs will be listed alphabetically by title.
Top 10 angry break-up songs:
Are You Happy Now ~ Michelle Branch
do you really have everything you want
you could never give something you ain't got
you can't run away from yourself
Divorce Song ~ Liz Phair
And when I asked for a separate room
It was late at night, and we'd been driving since noon
But if I'd known how that would sound to you
I would have stayed in your bed for the rest of my life
Just to prove I was right
That it's harder to be friends than lovers
And you shouldn't try to mix the two
'Cause if you do it and you're still unhappy
Then you know that the problem is you
And it's true that I stole your lighter
And it's also true that I lost the map
But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
But if you'd known how that would sound to me
You would have taken it back
And boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Burned it up and thrown it away
You put in my hands a loaded gun
And then told me not to fire it
When you did the things you said were up to me
And then accused me of trying to fuck it up
But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright
And the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am
But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright
F.O.D ~ Green Day
I've had this burning in my guts now for so long
My belly's aching now to sing
I'm taking pleasure in these doubts i pass to you,
So listen up 'cause you might miss...
You're just...a fuck.
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck.
I'm taking pride,
In telling you to Fuck Off and Die.
Good...night.
Go Your Own Way ~ Fleetwood Mac
Loving you
Isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things
That I feel
If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Limp ~ Fiona Apple
You wanna make me sick;
You wanna lick my wounds,
Don’t you, baby?
You want the badge of honour when you save my hide
But you’re the one in the way
Of the day of doom, baby
If you need my shame to reclaim your pride
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you man,
But no matter what I try
You’ll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won’t be long till you’ll be
Lying limp in your own hands.
You feed the beast I have within me
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run
Standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you man
But no matter what I try
You’ll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won’t be long till you’ll be
Lying limp in your own hands.
[No abuse in the relationship, but I do like the sentiment in this song.]
Love and Anger ~ Kate Bush
It lay buried here. It lay deep inside me.
It's so deep I don't think that I can speak about it.
It could take me all of my life,
But it would only take a moment to
Tell you what I'm feeling,
But I don't know if I'm ready yet.
You come walking into this room
Like you're walking into my arms.
What would I do without you?
Take away the love and the anger,
And a little piece of hope holding us together.
Looking for a moment that'll never happen,
Living in the gap between past and future.
Take away the stone and the timber,
And a little piece of rope won't hold it together.
If you can't tell your sister,
If you can't tell a priest,
'Cause it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
To anyone,
Can you tell it to your heart?
Can you find it in your heart
To let go of these feelings
Like a bell to a Southerly wind?
We could be like two strings beating,
Speaking in sympathy...
What would we do without you?
Two strings speak in sympathy.
Take away the love and the anger,
And a little piece of hope holding us together.
Looking for a moment that'll never happen,
Living in the gap between past and future.
Take away the stone and the timber,
And a little piece of rope won't hold it together.
We're building a house of the future together.
(What would we do without you?)
Well, if it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it,
Just remember to reach out and touch the past and the future.
Well, if it's so deep you don't think you can speak about it,
Don't ever think that you can't change the past and the future.
You might not, not think so now,
But just you wait and see--someone will come to help you.
[Not bloody likely at this point.]
Now That It's Over ~ Everclear
Nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it’s over...
Through With You ~ Maroon 5
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
You Oughta Know ~ Alanis Morissette
'Cause the love that you gave that we made
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive
You're Breakin' My Heart ~ Harry Nilsson
You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearing it apart so fuck you
Top 20 painful break-up songs:
Yes, there are twice as many of these, and I'm not going to list lyrics. I know what these songs mean, I know how they helped me get through some very tough days. I will say that there some of them I haven't listened to in a very long time, and don't plan on playing for awhile still. Two out of the list will always evoke feelings from the first 30 days — I Grieve and The First Cut is the Deepest. Not going near those two. Not deleting them, not preventing them from playing, but there are some pretty raw emotions tied to both songs. And until I resolve that stuff, why rehash history? It sucked, it kicked my ass, I picked myself up and moved on.
Breaking Apart ~ Chris Isaak
Cry ~ Faith Hill
Crying ~ Roy Orbison & k.d. lang
Don't Dream It's Over ~ Crowded House
Don't Speak ~ No Doubt
For No One ~ The Beatles
Goodbye to You ~ Michelle Branch
I Can't Love You Any More ~ Lyle Lovett
I Grieve ~ Peter Gabriel
Look What You've Done ~ Jet
Long and Winding Road ~ The Beatles
Missing You ~ Jem
One Last Cry ~ Brian McKnight
She's Gone ~ Hall & Oates
So Very Hard to Go ~ Tower of Power
That Lonesome Road ~ James Taylor
The First Cut is the Deepest ~ Sheryl Crow
The Space Between ~ Dave Matthews Band
Washing of the Water ~ Peter Gabriel
You Can't Always Get What You Want ~ Rolling Stones
Top 10 OMG I'M SO HAPPY love songs
Afternoon Delight ~ Will Ferrell (Anchorman soundtrack)
Ain't No Mountain High Enough ~ Michael McDonald
Come What May ~ Ewan McGregor
Friday I'm In Love (acoustic) ~ The Cure
How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) ~ James Taylor
Let's Get it On ~ Marvin Gaye
So Damn Lucky ~ Dave Matthews
Sunday Morning ~ Maroon 5
Your Smiling Face (live) ~ James Taylor
Your Precious Love ~ Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Top 10 "you make me melt" love songs:
Hope for Me Yet ~ Marc Broussard
I Know You Know ~ Lyle Lovett
Meaning ~ Gavin DeGraw
Someone Like You ~ Van Morrison
The Luckiest ~ Ben Folds
Those Sweet Words ~ Norah Jones
Time After Time ~ Tuck & Patti
True Companion ~ Marc Cohn
Where My Heart Will Take Me ~ Russell Watson
Your Song ~ Ewan McGregor
I've got at least one more list to post, but I need to get up and do something else for a bit. You don't even want to know how long I've spent on this. And for the record, I didn't even get to the archive DVDs.
Let's get the negative energy out of the way, shall we? All songs will be listed alphabetically by title.
Top 10 angry break-up songs:
Are You Happy Now ~ Michelle Branch
do you really have everything you want
you could never give something you ain't got
you can't run away from yourself
Divorce Song ~ Liz Phair
And when I asked for a separate room
It was late at night, and we'd been driving since noon
But if I'd known how that would sound to you
I would have stayed in your bed for the rest of my life
Just to prove I was right
That it's harder to be friends than lovers
And you shouldn't try to mix the two
'Cause if you do it and you're still unhappy
Then you know that the problem is you
And it's true that I stole your lighter
And it's also true that I lost the map
But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
But if you'd known how that would sound to me
You would have taken it back
And boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Burned it up and thrown it away
You put in my hands a loaded gun
And then told me not to fire it
When you did the things you said were up to me
And then accused me of trying to fuck it up
But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright
And the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am
But you've never been a waste of my time
It's never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you'll be alright
F.O.D ~ Green Day
I've had this burning in my guts now for so long
My belly's aching now to sing
I'm taking pleasure in these doubts i pass to you,
So listen up 'cause you might miss...
You're just...a fuck.
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck.
I'm taking pride,
In telling you to Fuck Off and Die.
Good...night.
Go Your Own Way ~ Fleetwood Mac
Loving you
Isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things
That I feel
If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Limp ~ Fiona Apple
You wanna make me sick;
You wanna lick my wounds,
Don’t you, baby?
You want the badge of honour when you save my hide
But you’re the one in the way
Of the day of doom, baby
If you need my shame to reclaim your pride
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you man,
But no matter what I try
You’ll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won’t be long till you’ll be
Lying limp in your own hands.
You feed the beast I have within me
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run
Standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you man
But no matter what I try
You’ll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won’t be long till you’ll be
Lying limp in your own hands.
[No abuse in the relationship, but I do like the sentiment in this song.]
Love and Anger ~ Kate Bush
It lay buried here. It lay deep inside me.
It's so deep I don't think that I can speak about it.
It could take me all of my life,
But it would only take a moment to
Tell you what I'm feeling,
But I don't know if I'm ready yet.
You come walking into this room
Like you're walking into my arms.
What would I do without you?
Take away the love and the anger,
And a little piece of hope holding us together.
Looking for a moment that'll never happen,
Living in the gap between past and future.
Take away the stone and the timber,
And a little piece of rope won't hold it together.
If you can't tell your sister,
If you can't tell a priest,
'Cause it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
To anyone,
Can you tell it to your heart?
Can you find it in your heart
To let go of these feelings
Like a bell to a Southerly wind?
We could be like two strings beating,
Speaking in sympathy...
What would we do without you?
Two strings speak in sympathy.
Take away the love and the anger,
And a little piece of hope holding us together.
Looking for a moment that'll never happen,
Living in the gap between past and future.
Take away the stone and the timber,
And a little piece of rope won't hold it together.
We're building a house of the future together.
(What would we do without you?)
Well, if it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it,
Just remember to reach out and touch the past and the future.
Well, if it's so deep you don't think you can speak about it,
Don't ever think that you can't change the past and the future.
You might not, not think so now,
But just you wait and see--someone will come to help you.
[Not bloody likely at this point.]
Now That It's Over ~ Everclear
Nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it’s over...
Through With You ~ Maroon 5
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
You Oughta Know ~ Alanis Morissette
'Cause the love that you gave that we made
wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive
You're Breakin' My Heart ~ Harry Nilsson
You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearing it apart so fuck you
Top 20 painful break-up songs:
Yes, there are twice as many of these, and I'm not going to list lyrics. I know what these songs mean, I know how they helped me get through some very tough days. I will say that there some of them I haven't listened to in a very long time, and don't plan on playing for awhile still. Two out of the list will always evoke feelings from the first 30 days — I Grieve and The First Cut is the Deepest. Not going near those two. Not deleting them, not preventing them from playing, but there are some pretty raw emotions tied to both songs. And until I resolve that stuff, why rehash history? It sucked, it kicked my ass, I picked myself up and moved on.
Breaking Apart ~ Chris Isaak
Cry ~ Faith Hill
Crying ~ Roy Orbison & k.d. lang
Don't Dream It's Over ~ Crowded House
Don't Speak ~ No Doubt
For No One ~ The Beatles
Goodbye to You ~ Michelle Branch
I Can't Love You Any More ~ Lyle Lovett
I Grieve ~ Peter Gabriel
Look What You've Done ~ Jet
Long and Winding Road ~ The Beatles
Missing You ~ Jem
One Last Cry ~ Brian McKnight
She's Gone ~ Hall & Oates
So Very Hard to Go ~ Tower of Power
That Lonesome Road ~ James Taylor
The First Cut is the Deepest ~ Sheryl Crow
The Space Between ~ Dave Matthews Band
Washing of the Water ~ Peter Gabriel
You Can't Always Get What You Want ~ Rolling Stones
Top 10 OMG I'M SO HAPPY love songs
Afternoon Delight ~ Will Ferrell (Anchorman soundtrack)
Ain't No Mountain High Enough ~ Michael McDonald
Come What May ~ Ewan McGregor
Friday I'm In Love (acoustic) ~ The Cure
How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) ~ James Taylor
Let's Get it On ~ Marvin Gaye
So Damn Lucky ~ Dave Matthews
Sunday Morning ~ Maroon 5
Your Smiling Face (live) ~ James Taylor
Your Precious Love ~ Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Top 10 "you make me melt" love songs:
Hope for Me Yet ~ Marc Broussard
I Know You Know ~ Lyle Lovett
Meaning ~ Gavin DeGraw
Someone Like You ~ Van Morrison
The Luckiest ~ Ben Folds
Those Sweet Words ~ Norah Jones
Time After Time ~ Tuck & Patti
True Companion ~ Marc Cohn
Where My Heart Will Take Me ~ Russell Watson
Your Song ~ Ewan McGregor
I've got at least one more list to post, but I need to get up and do something else for a bit. You don't even want to know how long I've spent on this. And for the record, I didn't even get to the archive DVDs.
Play loud or go home
Happiness is a kick-ass stereo …
I'm not going to dwell on the negative today. Someone said I should be happy, and he's right. I do have a lot to be happy about. There will be lists of things later on — I've got two lists of songs (not necessarily playlists) I'd like to post, and I may revisit some stuff from the other journal later on. Be afraid. Or amused. Either way.
In addition to the obvious make-me-all-giddy relationship feelings (yay!), one thing that makes me really happy is how fucking fantastic the $2,000 stereo sounds right now.
Yeah. It sounds really fucking good.
I'm not going to dwell on the negative today. Someone said I should be happy, and he's right. I do have a lot to be happy about. There will be lists of things later on — I've got two lists of songs (not necessarily playlists) I'd like to post, and I may revisit some stuff from the other journal later on. Be afraid. Or amused. Either way.
In addition to the obvious make-me-all-giddy relationship feelings (yay!), one thing that makes me really happy is how fucking fantastic the $2,000 stereo sounds right now.
Yeah. It sounds really fucking good.
No, "just friends" doesn't work
Almost two months ago, someone who has become near and dear to me said something I should've taken to heart a lot sooner. Heck, a lot of people said the same thing but I didn't want to hear it. I'm stubborn, not stupid I guess …
"Let's be friends."
The death knell to many a relationship. You have romantic aspirations and your object of desire doesn't feel the same. Or you're romantically involved and "all of a sudden" your partner isn't in love with you and wants to be "just friends." Guess what? That shit doesn't work. Nope. Not at all. Forget it. If it does, it takes months, even years. Hell, my parents didn't really become friends after their divorce until several years later, and it took a traumatic, life-changing event involving my dad for that to happen. Time has a way of sorting things out I guess. Time lets anger subside, it dulls the pain. Memories fade. With some things.
Nearly four months later, a lot of what I felt has begun to fade. There was a time I wanted to remember all of it; I didn't want to forget what I was feeling so I could prevent it from happening again. But a few things happened and changed that: I realized the only times I thought or talked about the ex, it was negative. I realized he wasn't a friend, and stopped thinking of him as one. Best of all, a wonderful guy became … more than a friend.
I have very strong feelings regarding friendship. I've said that I'm loyal to the point of stupidity, which explains my reluctance to listen to people about being friends with the ex. I'll do whatever is within my means to help you if you need a hand. It's just the way I am. I'm very passionate about my friends and people who are close to me. I can be overly protective. Stubbornness and the fact I don't do things half way … it can be an odd combination at times. Hell, I'm this way with folks I know through the internet (not strangers; I've got a few friends I've known for several years only through e-mail, discussion boards and chatting).
So it shouldn't be any surprise that I took all of this loyalty and passion and figured it would be there for the ex when everything was said and done. After all, he said when the divorce was final, we could hang out and be friends again, right? He said he wanted to stay friends, and well, if you're my friend, you're not going to lie to me, right? Right?
Well fuck that. We know how this story goes.
Lying to me, or a lie by omission are the same thing. Being treated like shit doesn't rate too high in my book, either. Generally being an asshole scores quite low too. So that whole thing about being friends? How about taking a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut? That seems to fit a lot better.
I have no intention of being friends with the ex-person (I can't claim this gem; Scott gets all the credit … heh). Right now, I don't even want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him in my life. But here I am, on what would've been my fourth wedding anniversary, writing a journal entry about how I basically despise the man who — just five months ago — was still the love of my life and my true love.
Sweet Jesus. What. The. Fuck.
It's good to be jaded and cynical again. I was filled with the touchy-feely "must get over this" good vibes for awhile there. Oh, I definitely needed to be there. I needed to shove away the bitterness long enough to know it wouldn't consume me. But now that I'm actually feeling good about life again, hey, it's back. I'm a little rusty, but I think I'll manage. Being back in a newsroom helps with the cynicism. And realizing what a cock wrangler the ex is helps a great deal. I don't want his love, I don't want his friendship. When — or if — I want to be friends, I'll let him know.
And it feels good to have *real* friends. I've got a move coming up, and I was surprised to see how many people offered to help. It's been, "Oh, I've got a truck. I should be able to help that day. Let me know." I've only had one person say he wouldn't be able to help, and that's because he's already helped two friends move. I wasn't going to ask him, but still. These folks stepped up before I mentioned there would be Krispy Kremes that morning and steak and beer that evening. I don't need him or his friendship. It's taken me a long time to realize I don't need him any more. That's actually a big step for me.
Yes, a lot of this goes back to me having someone in my life. Anything I write about that is going to come off sounding trite, and I don't want to diminish it. I know what I feel, I know that it's different than what I felt with the ex. It's hard to explain without making it sound like I made a mistake getting married (I still maintain I didn't) or that I've placed all kinds of unrealistic expectations on my current situation. No and no. I'm in love; what else can I say? Once again getting into complicated territory near 4 a.m. You'd think I'd learn.
Anyway, the point is, no, friends with the ex-person won't work. I don't want it to work, certainly not now. Things are pretty OK in my world right now without him, and I suspect that will continue to be the case. Far more enjoyable to focus positive energy on my guy than put any effort into feeling anything toward the ex. Husband? I was married? Heh.
You were right, and I have the e-mail to prove it. Thanks, babe.
"Let's be friends."
The death knell to many a relationship. You have romantic aspirations and your object of desire doesn't feel the same. Or you're romantically involved and "all of a sudden" your partner isn't in love with you and wants to be "just friends." Guess what? That shit doesn't work. Nope. Not at all. Forget it. If it does, it takes months, even years. Hell, my parents didn't really become friends after their divorce until several years later, and it took a traumatic, life-changing event involving my dad for that to happen. Time has a way of sorting things out I guess. Time lets anger subside, it dulls the pain. Memories fade. With some things.
Nearly four months later, a lot of what I felt has begun to fade. There was a time I wanted to remember all of it; I didn't want to forget what I was feeling so I could prevent it from happening again. But a few things happened and changed that: I realized the only times I thought or talked about the ex, it was negative. I realized he wasn't a friend, and stopped thinking of him as one. Best of all, a wonderful guy became … more than a friend.
I have very strong feelings regarding friendship. I've said that I'm loyal to the point of stupidity, which explains my reluctance to listen to people about being friends with the ex. I'll do whatever is within my means to help you if you need a hand. It's just the way I am. I'm very passionate about my friends and people who are close to me. I can be overly protective. Stubbornness and the fact I don't do things half way … it can be an odd combination at times. Hell, I'm this way with folks I know through the internet (not strangers; I've got a few friends I've known for several years only through e-mail, discussion boards and chatting).
So it shouldn't be any surprise that I took all of this loyalty and passion and figured it would be there for the ex when everything was said and done. After all, he said when the divorce was final, we could hang out and be friends again, right? He said he wanted to stay friends, and well, if you're my friend, you're not going to lie to me, right? Right?
Well fuck that. We know how this story goes.
Lying to me, or a lie by omission are the same thing. Being treated like shit doesn't rate too high in my book, either. Generally being an asshole scores quite low too. So that whole thing about being friends? How about taking a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut? That seems to fit a lot better.
I have no intention of being friends with the ex-person (I can't claim this gem; Scott gets all the credit … heh). Right now, I don't even want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him in my life. But here I am, on what would've been my fourth wedding anniversary, writing a journal entry about how I basically despise the man who — just five months ago — was still the love of my life and my true love.
Sweet Jesus. What. The. Fuck.
It's good to be jaded and cynical again. I was filled with the touchy-feely "must get over this" good vibes for awhile there. Oh, I definitely needed to be there. I needed to shove away the bitterness long enough to know it wouldn't consume me. But now that I'm actually feeling good about life again, hey, it's back. I'm a little rusty, but I think I'll manage. Being back in a newsroom helps with the cynicism. And realizing what a cock wrangler the ex is helps a great deal. I don't want his love, I don't want his friendship. When — or if — I want to be friends, I'll let him know.
And it feels good to have *real* friends. I've got a move coming up, and I was surprised to see how many people offered to help. It's been, "Oh, I've got a truck. I should be able to help that day. Let me know." I've only had one person say he wouldn't be able to help, and that's because he's already helped two friends move. I wasn't going to ask him, but still. These folks stepped up before I mentioned there would be Krispy Kremes that morning and steak and beer that evening. I don't need him or his friendship. It's taken me a long time to realize I don't need him any more. That's actually a big step for me.
Yes, a lot of this goes back to me having someone in my life. Anything I write about that is going to come off sounding trite, and I don't want to diminish it. I know what I feel, I know that it's different than what I felt with the ex. It's hard to explain without making it sound like I made a mistake getting married (I still maintain I didn't) or that I've placed all kinds of unrealistic expectations on my current situation. No and no. I'm in love; what else can I say? Once again getting into complicated territory near 4 a.m. You'd think I'd learn.
Anyway, the point is, no, friends with the ex-person won't work. I don't want it to work, certainly not now. Things are pretty OK in my world right now without him, and I suspect that will continue to be the case. Far more enjoyable to focus positive energy on my guy than put any effort into feeling anything toward the ex. Husband? I was married? Heh.
You were right, and I have the e-mail to prove it. Thanks, babe.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
A love song
I've got quite a collection of them. The breakup playlist has 174 songs on it — some angry, some sad, some about love. Go figure that I'm more focused on the "happy" and "in-love" sorta songs these days.
It's been mentioned before that music has played a huge role in my life — more so in the past four months than ever before. When I didn't have people to talk to, or someone to hold me, I still had music. I could listen to songs that matched my mood, or try to find songs that would cheer me up. I listened to this song on the drive home tonight. The live version is particularly excellent, and I'm jealous that a friend of mine in California was able to see Lyle Lovett last month.
Look for a playlist of my favorite love songs here in a few hours after I'm done playing my game. Maybe a little ironic given the significance the 14th used to have for me, but that will be another entry. I may end up doing a lot of writing in the next 24 hours; I know for damn sure if my attitude goes into the shitter, I won't be internalizing this stuff. Those days are over. And I'm not entirely sure how I should deal with the anniversary date. I will deal with it in some way.
Anyway, here are some lyrics:
North Dakota
The boys from North Dakota
They drink whisky for their fun
And the cowboys down in Texas
They polish up their guns
And they look across the border
To learn the ways of love
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, say I do
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, say I do
And you can say I love you
And you can say I do
So I drank myself some whiskey
And I dreamed I was a cowboy
And I rode across the border
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, take my hand
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, take my hand
And you can say I love you
And you can have my hand
I remember in the mornings
Waking up
With your arms around my head
You told me you can sleep forever
And I'll still hold you then
Now the weather's getting colder
It's even cold down here
And the words that you have told me
Hang frozen in the air
And sometimes I look right through them
As if they were not there
And the boys from North Dakota
They drink whiskey for their fun
And the cowboys down in Texas
They polish up their guns
And they look across the border
To learn the ways of love
It's been mentioned before that music has played a huge role in my life — more so in the past four months than ever before. When I didn't have people to talk to, or someone to hold me, I still had music. I could listen to songs that matched my mood, or try to find songs that would cheer me up. I listened to this song on the drive home tonight. The live version is particularly excellent, and I'm jealous that a friend of mine in California was able to see Lyle Lovett last month.
Look for a playlist of my favorite love songs here in a few hours after I'm done playing my game. Maybe a little ironic given the significance the 14th used to have for me, but that will be another entry. I may end up doing a lot of writing in the next 24 hours; I know for damn sure if my attitude goes into the shitter, I won't be internalizing this stuff. Those days are over. And I'm not entirely sure how I should deal with the anniversary date. I will deal with it in some way.
Anyway, here are some lyrics:
North Dakota
The boys from North Dakota
They drink whisky for their fun
And the cowboys down in Texas
They polish up their guns
And they look across the border
To learn the ways of love
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, say I do
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, say I do
And you can say I love you
And you can say I do
So I drank myself some whiskey
And I dreamed I was a cowboy
And I rode across the border
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, take my hand
If you love me, say I love you
If you love me, take my hand
And you can say I love you
And you can have my hand
I remember in the mornings
Waking up
With your arms around my head
You told me you can sleep forever
And I'll still hold you then
Now the weather's getting colder
It's even cold down here
And the words that you have told me
Hang frozen in the air
And sometimes I look right through them
As if they were not there
And the boys from North Dakota
They drink whiskey for their fun
And the cowboys down in Texas
They polish up their guns
And they look across the border
To learn the ways of love
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Justifiable
Updating for the sake of updating even though I should be in bed.
But, on the drive into work today, who do I see on his motorcycle as I'm turning onto Karcher? And who had to fight the urge to swerve and/or flip him off? No, I'm not looking to go to prison for vehicular manslaughter. But I said some things anyone who can read lips would've picked up. And then I couldn't help but laugh because I'm so much happier and better off without him. I mean really. What took me so long to get over him? Why didn't I want to let go? Oh. Yeah. That whole thing about marriage being forever and stuff like that. Silly me. Couldn't pay me to go back now. I don't even know if I'd do it the same way if I had the chance. At one point, I would've. But if things were going to turn out the same way … maybe if I knew I'd end up in my current relationship, but that's the only way. There needs to be light at the end of the tunnel, not two months of me wishing for death or wallowing in self-pity. Nothing is worth that kind of pain again. I'm still amazed at how far I've come. I just hope I'm not in some kind of freakish denial. I don't think I am.
Anyway, despite being pretty tired, I'm still in a decent mood. I'll still be tired in the morning, but I shouldn't have to put in an 11-hour day again. If I get home at a decent hour, that leaves the evening for … ? Oh I wish. But hey, I've got enough happy thoughts to tide over until the weekend. Heh. Maybe.
Posted: Tue - October 12, 2004 at 03:13 AM
But, on the drive into work today, who do I see on his motorcycle as I'm turning onto Karcher? And who had to fight the urge to swerve and/or flip him off? No, I'm not looking to go to prison for vehicular manslaughter. But I said some things anyone who can read lips would've picked up. And then I couldn't help but laugh because I'm so much happier and better off without him. I mean really. What took me so long to get over him? Why didn't I want to let go? Oh. Yeah. That whole thing about marriage being forever and stuff like that. Silly me. Couldn't pay me to go back now. I don't even know if I'd do it the same way if I had the chance. At one point, I would've. But if things were going to turn out the same way … maybe if I knew I'd end up in my current relationship, but that's the only way. There needs to be light at the end of the tunnel, not two months of me wishing for death or wallowing in self-pity. Nothing is worth that kind of pain again. I'm still amazed at how far I've come. I just hope I'm not in some kind of freakish denial. I don't think I am.
Anyway, despite being pretty tired, I'm still in a decent mood. I'll still be tired in the morning, but I shouldn't have to put in an 11-hour day again. If I get home at a decent hour, that leaves the evening for … ? Oh I wish. But hey, I've got enough happy thoughts to tide over until the weekend. Heh. Maybe.
Posted: Tue - October 12, 2004 at 03:13 AM
Monday, October 11, 2004
The Fight Song
My tastes in music are shifting back to stuff that's loud and obnoxious. I must be feeling better about myself.
I had a friend who did Marilyn Manson stuff for karaoke. Oh, he was awesome … we all agreed he did the Manson songs better than the originals. Such a great voice and stage presence. But he and his wife moved to Montana, and we haven't heard anything from them since they left town. It's sad. But at least I can thank them for opening me up to Manson. And tonight, I got my hands on his greatest hits album. I absolutely fell in love with this song:
The Fight Song
Nothing suffocates you more than
The passing of everyday human events
Isolation is the oxygen mask you make
Your children breath in to survive
I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
And when we were good
You just closed your eyes
So when we are bad
We'll scar your minds
Fight x8
You'll never grow up to be a big -
Rock - star - celebrated - victim - of - your - fame
They'll just cut our wrists like
Cheap coupons and say that death
Was on sale today
And when we were good
You just closed your eyes
So when we are bad
We'll scar your minds
But I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
But I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
The death of one is a tragedy x3
But the death of millions is just a statistic
I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
Fight x8
Yeah, I guess I do feel like fighting a bit. Got some news about the ex that makes me want to punch him in the face, but of course I won't do that. Instead, I'll just dive into my collection of punk and (to a lesser extent) metal and see what happens. Oh, and I'm pretty amped because I'm probably going to a show on Friday. That should be a blast.
On the drive home tonight, I just felt really good about myself. I'm tired, I'm still sick, but life isn't that bad right now. Things have been going pretty well for the last month — hmmm... it's the 11th, so exactly a month. That was quite a weekend. I did mention something about dates in another entry. I won't go into details here; I'll just head to bed with a shit-eating grin on my face yet again. There's exactly one person in the world who's responsible for that. And that makes me really, really happy.
I had a friend who did Marilyn Manson stuff for karaoke. Oh, he was awesome … we all agreed he did the Manson songs better than the originals. Such a great voice and stage presence. But he and his wife moved to Montana, and we haven't heard anything from them since they left town. It's sad. But at least I can thank them for opening me up to Manson. And tonight, I got my hands on his greatest hits album. I absolutely fell in love with this song:
The Fight Song
Nothing suffocates you more than
The passing of everyday human events
Isolation is the oxygen mask you make
Your children breath in to survive
I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
And when we were good
You just closed your eyes
So when we are bad
We'll scar your minds
Fight x8
You'll never grow up to be a big -
Rock - star - celebrated - victim - of - your - fame
They'll just cut our wrists like
Cheap coupons and say that death
Was on sale today
And when we were good
You just closed your eyes
So when we are bad
We'll scar your minds
But I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
But I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
The death of one is a tragedy x3
But the death of millions is just a statistic
I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
I'm not a slave to a god
That doesn't exist
I'm not a slave to a world
That doesn't give a shit
Fight x8
Yeah, I guess I do feel like fighting a bit. Got some news about the ex that makes me want to punch him in the face, but of course I won't do that. Instead, I'll just dive into my collection of punk and (to a lesser extent) metal and see what happens. Oh, and I'm pretty amped because I'm probably going to a show on Friday. That should be a blast.
On the drive home tonight, I just felt really good about myself. I'm tired, I'm still sick, but life isn't that bad right now. Things have been going pretty well for the last month — hmmm... it's the 11th, so exactly a month. That was quite a weekend. I did mention something about dates in another entry. I won't go into details here; I'll just head to bed with a shit-eating grin on my face yet again. There's exactly one person in the world who's responsible for that. And that makes me really, really happy.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Settling?
Still in a bit of an odd mood tonight. I think there could be hormones involved. Anyway, feeling more introspective than usual and felt the need to inflict this stuff on my audience. I'll try to keep this from getting too … heavy … but who knows.
In the course of e-mailing a dear friend tonight, I stumbled across something that I've been avoiding, something I haven't wanted to admit. This might not even be the time to go into it, but I'm thinking about it, and I do need to address it at some point, if only for my mental health and getting closure.
I've glossed over why my marriage didn't work out; I've shared some of my thoughts with one person, maybe two. I don't know the root cause, I don't have the answers. But if there's one thing that getting into a relationship has shown, it's that things weren't quite right in married life. And I'm trying to be diplomatic about this, trying to be ... detached. So we'll see how that goes. We'll play a little game of "compare and contrast." Oh, but how to begin?
Let's start out by saying I believe in marriage. When you get married, it's forever. It's a promise, it's something I took seriously, it's something I wanted to do just once in my life. I'm certain we got married for the right reasons. I don't know that we divorced for the right reasons, but what's done is done. I can't change that, I and I wouldn't go back. Not with what I know now, not with what I've been through and where I am in my life. Hell no.
Somewhere along the way, something changed. Was it because we were comfortable with each other? Took each other for granted? The ex mentioned how "the spark" was gone. Well, the argument against that is the spark is what brings you together; true love keeps you together. Relationships are give and take; they aren't always easy, they aren't always pleasant. But if you really do love someone, you figure out a way to make it work. Yet that only happens if both parties feel that way. One person believing that won't get it done, especially if the other person has given up, or thinks they've found something better. Believe me, I tried. In the end, it was easier to give up. More on that in a bit.
At the beginning of many relationships, the physical stuff takes precedent. It's new, it's exciting (I call it the "ooooh, shiny!" syndrome). The newness wears off. If it was only physical, chances are that when the novelty has worn off, both people will move on. A booty call is a booty call. If there's a deeper connection, then you're looking at something long term, something that could last for months, years, even forever. You need common interests, personalities that get along. You need trust and a willingness to work toward keeping the relationship alive. So where was I going with this, I wonder … and how can I do this without getting myself in trouble? (not really trouble, I guess … I'm not writing anything here I wouldn't discuss, it's just that some of this is still a little difficult to talk about. Anyway.)
When the ex and I got together, it was fun, exciting, we spent a ton of time together. The physical stuff, well, yeah, there was a lot of that. He was 32 and I was 26. That really was a lifetime ago. We spent a ton of time together since we worked together and he ended up moving in since (big red warning lights) he was leaving his wife. Marriage was on the rocks from the beginning, he'd been unhappy for a long time, yadda yadda yadda. Awfully familiar, right? Yeah. Maybe I had it coming.
You know, a detailed analysis of my relationship with the ex is going to get boring in a hurry. That, and the fact I've chosen to forget some of the details and other details have faded. I've gotten a pretty good idea of what was missing. I guess it's easier for me to focus on the things that are going well with the current relationship than dredge up ghosts. Yes, I'm still avoiding it. But I think I can still make my point.
I'm a detail person (eh, really?). I can see the big picture, but I have an appreciation of the little things. Case in point: A touch, a look, a smile can convey a feeling like love without even saying those three words. I used to do that with the ex and it was rarely, if ever reciprocated (red flashing lights, anyone?). He wasn't much of a "touch" person. Hugs, holding hands, that was something he really started doing with me. The other stuff, like if I just touched him while we were watching TV or something, he didn't like that. Current situation is very different than with the ex. Communicating without words is a fine and subtle art, and it works a lot better when people aren't shrugging you off or acting like they're annoyed by it. There's a lot to be said for feeling appreciated.
It might not be a great example. It's certainly not one that would hold up in court. But I think it shows a resignation on my part to not do those things with the ex. I wasn't being oppressed, but I wasn't being true to myself. I don't know that I've really been true to myself until recently. I know I haven't been this happy in a long time. I've got a new sense of freedom since … falling in love. And I'm sorry that sounds trite. But honestly, I'm happy to have found someone I feel comfortable with. I can say crazy (or stupid :-P) things, I can tell horrible jokes, or I can be a geek. I guess with the ex, I started to hold back some things because I didn't want to appear stupid. I don't even know where I'm going with this any more.
Ah. The title of this entry. I do need an editor to keep me on topic. Did I settle? Yes and no.
In the beginning, when things were new, no, there was no settling. I didn't settle on my wedding day. But whenever "the spark" (his word, not mine) faded, then yes, I did. I accepted the routine, I accepted the fact we didn't do certain things or act like other couples; a good friend said that if you saw the two of us in a room, you'd never know we were married. This has been confirmed by at least one other person. All I can say to that is, what the fuck? What happened? Why did we give off that appearance? Oh, non-verbal communication, or lack thereof. It goes deeper than "if you loved me you'd hold my hand" but I could be onto something here. I know what I felt toward him, but I know that if I did those little things — a hand on his shoulder, whatever — in a group setting, it made him uncomfortable. What the hell does that say? Yeah, that something was fucked up and neither of us wanted to address it. Now I remember why I haven't taken a closer look at this: Because in my twisted little world, it makes me feel inadequate as a wife and as a female. The rational part of me knows this isn't true, but the visceral part — and let's not forget my ego — feels differently. The feeling of rejection rears its ugly head after a long absence. But it adds up, I guess. If he didn't want to do the little things that are so important to me, it shouldn't have been surprising when he told me he didn't love me. Yes, this is the scary shit I write about at 3 a.m. Until now, it had been locked away in the journal I haven't shared with anyone, where I don't even want to read past entries. But here it is. And to once again answer the question, yes I did settle. I settled and I wanted to make it work, thought I could make it work, thought it should work. And in the end, it turns out I'm so much better off today without him. Should I mention yet again how happy I am, or is that starting to get sickening? Cut me some slack; I'm not even to the four-month mark yet. But what used to be the anniversary is Thursday … I'll burn that bridge when I get to it I guess …
I'm not sure what this proved, other than the fact that maybe I really am nuts and you people are too polite to tell me I'm nuts. It did feel good to write this stuff. But maybe i just need to leave it in the past and keep moving forward — mindful of history, but definitely focused on what each new day brings. I may be nuts, but hell if I haven't turned into an optimist.
In the course of e-mailing a dear friend tonight, I stumbled across something that I've been avoiding, something I haven't wanted to admit. This might not even be the time to go into it, but I'm thinking about it, and I do need to address it at some point, if only for my mental health and getting closure.
I've glossed over why my marriage didn't work out; I've shared some of my thoughts with one person, maybe two. I don't know the root cause, I don't have the answers. But if there's one thing that getting into a relationship has shown, it's that things weren't quite right in married life. And I'm trying to be diplomatic about this, trying to be ... detached. So we'll see how that goes. We'll play a little game of "compare and contrast." Oh, but how to begin?
Let's start out by saying I believe in marriage. When you get married, it's forever. It's a promise, it's something I took seriously, it's something I wanted to do just once in my life. I'm certain we got married for the right reasons. I don't know that we divorced for the right reasons, but what's done is done. I can't change that, I and I wouldn't go back. Not with what I know now, not with what I've been through and where I am in my life. Hell no.
Somewhere along the way, something changed. Was it because we were comfortable with each other? Took each other for granted? The ex mentioned how "the spark" was gone. Well, the argument against that is the spark is what brings you together; true love keeps you together. Relationships are give and take; they aren't always easy, they aren't always pleasant. But if you really do love someone, you figure out a way to make it work. Yet that only happens if both parties feel that way. One person believing that won't get it done, especially if the other person has given up, or thinks they've found something better. Believe me, I tried. In the end, it was easier to give up. More on that in a bit.
At the beginning of many relationships, the physical stuff takes precedent. It's new, it's exciting (I call it the "ooooh, shiny!" syndrome). The newness wears off. If it was only physical, chances are that when the novelty has worn off, both people will move on. A booty call is a booty call. If there's a deeper connection, then you're looking at something long term, something that could last for months, years, even forever. You need common interests, personalities that get along. You need trust and a willingness to work toward keeping the relationship alive. So where was I going with this, I wonder … and how can I do this without getting myself in trouble? (not really trouble, I guess … I'm not writing anything here I wouldn't discuss, it's just that some of this is still a little difficult to talk about. Anyway.)
When the ex and I got together, it was fun, exciting, we spent a ton of time together. The physical stuff, well, yeah, there was a lot of that. He was 32 and I was 26. That really was a lifetime ago. We spent a ton of time together since we worked together and he ended up moving in since (big red warning lights) he was leaving his wife. Marriage was on the rocks from the beginning, he'd been unhappy for a long time, yadda yadda yadda. Awfully familiar, right? Yeah. Maybe I had it coming.
You know, a detailed analysis of my relationship with the ex is going to get boring in a hurry. That, and the fact I've chosen to forget some of the details and other details have faded. I've gotten a pretty good idea of what was missing. I guess it's easier for me to focus on the things that are going well with the current relationship than dredge up ghosts. Yes, I'm still avoiding it. But I think I can still make my point.
I'm a detail person (eh, really?). I can see the big picture, but I have an appreciation of the little things. Case in point: A touch, a look, a smile can convey a feeling like love without even saying those three words. I used to do that with the ex and it was rarely, if ever reciprocated (red flashing lights, anyone?). He wasn't much of a "touch" person. Hugs, holding hands, that was something he really started doing with me. The other stuff, like if I just touched him while we were watching TV or something, he didn't like that. Current situation is very different than with the ex. Communicating without words is a fine and subtle art, and it works a lot better when people aren't shrugging you off or acting like they're annoyed by it. There's a lot to be said for feeling appreciated.
It might not be a great example. It's certainly not one that would hold up in court. But I think it shows a resignation on my part to not do those things with the ex. I wasn't being oppressed, but I wasn't being true to myself. I don't know that I've really been true to myself until recently. I know I haven't been this happy in a long time. I've got a new sense of freedom since … falling in love. And I'm sorry that sounds trite. But honestly, I'm happy to have found someone I feel comfortable with. I can say crazy (or stupid :-P) things, I can tell horrible jokes, or I can be a geek. I guess with the ex, I started to hold back some things because I didn't want to appear stupid. I don't even know where I'm going with this any more.
Ah. The title of this entry. I do need an editor to keep me on topic. Did I settle? Yes and no.
In the beginning, when things were new, no, there was no settling. I didn't settle on my wedding day. But whenever "the spark" (his word, not mine) faded, then yes, I did. I accepted the routine, I accepted the fact we didn't do certain things or act like other couples; a good friend said that if you saw the two of us in a room, you'd never know we were married. This has been confirmed by at least one other person. All I can say to that is, what the fuck? What happened? Why did we give off that appearance? Oh, non-verbal communication, or lack thereof. It goes deeper than "if you loved me you'd hold my hand" but I could be onto something here. I know what I felt toward him, but I know that if I did those little things — a hand on his shoulder, whatever — in a group setting, it made him uncomfortable. What the hell does that say? Yeah, that something was fucked up and neither of us wanted to address it. Now I remember why I haven't taken a closer look at this: Because in my twisted little world, it makes me feel inadequate as a wife and as a female. The rational part of me knows this isn't true, but the visceral part — and let's not forget my ego — feels differently. The feeling of rejection rears its ugly head after a long absence. But it adds up, I guess. If he didn't want to do the little things that are so important to me, it shouldn't have been surprising when he told me he didn't love me. Yes, this is the scary shit I write about at 3 a.m. Until now, it had been locked away in the journal I haven't shared with anyone, where I don't even want to read past entries. But here it is. And to once again answer the question, yes I did settle. I settled and I wanted to make it work, thought I could make it work, thought it should work. And in the end, it turns out I'm so much better off today without him. Should I mention yet again how happy I am, or is that starting to get sickening? Cut me some slack; I'm not even to the four-month mark yet. But what used to be the anniversary is Thursday … I'll burn that bridge when I get to it I guess …
I'm not sure what this proved, other than the fact that maybe I really am nuts and you people are too polite to tell me I'm nuts. It did feel good to write this stuff. But maybe i just need to leave it in the past and keep moving forward — mindful of history, but definitely focused on what each new day brings. I may be nuts, but hell if I haven't turned into an optimist.
Walk in the woods
Took this walking back to camp on our last night at Windsor Lake. When I took the shot, I knew I wanted to see it in black and white. It's my current desktop and is now up in the wallpaper section.
Saturday, October 9, 2004
Oh yeah, that tattoo
There's a major absence of pictures lately. That's my "break-up" tattoo, which was inked by TJ on July 8. The color has held up pretty well and I'm really happy with it.
The next one, which I may be able to afford by the time my birthday rolls around, will be a phoenix that wraps around the rest of my left calf. Much pain will ensue. This is the phoenix I found a few months ago:
So what do you call it?
Fate. Destiny. Serendipity. Can you — should you — put a label on good fortune? And while you're at it, let's discover the secrets of the universe and how to live forever…
I should know better than to try and philosophize like this at this hour. Oddly, this is the time when I think of this sort of wacky stuff. So here goes.
Definitions from dictionary.com
Main Entry: butterfly effect
Function: noun
Definition: a chaotic effect created by something seemingly insignificant, the phenomenon whereby a small change in one part of a complex system can have a large effect somewhere else
Etymology: from the beating of a butterfly's wings in one place causing a tornado in another part of the world
butterfly effect
n: the phenomenon whereby a small change at one place in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere, e.g., a butterfly flapping its wings in Rio de Janeiro might change the weather in Chicago
I've mentioned this before in terms of the extraordinary set of events that brought the ex and me together. Someone he used to work with in Indiana got a job in Monterey. He thought of the ex when there was a job opening. The ex goes to Monterey in 1998, where I'd been working since 1997 because of a job app I had on file at the Mercury News that they forwarded. One day, we start talking about video games and swap AOL screen names. We chat online. We eventually go out for drinks. We're both unhappy in our current relationships, we hook up. We plan on getting married, I get cold-called for the job up here, and we move in 2000. I get laid off in 2002, start working at the game store at the mall. He's still there at the paper, having risen to a job of some importance, and eventually meets the Whiskey Tango queen. The mall job leads to the job at the Post in June 2003. I meet many people working there, including the man I'm in love with right now. June 2004 rolls around, shit hits the fan and I'm divorced in August. Once again, thanks to the magic of e-mail, I'm able to let people know what I'm going through and I get through the crisis a better person. And without going into too much detail (since my limited audience knows the details), here I am today, happier than I've been in a long time, feeling better about myself — physically, mentally, emotionally — than I can recall. Yeah, you could follow this through even further back than where I started; I picked the starting point out of convenience. It's certainly an interesting concept. Jen's scale of belief: 4 out of 5.
Main Entry: chaos theory
Function: noun
Definition: the study of unpredictable and complex dynamic systems that are highly sensitive to small changes in external conditions
This is where the butterfly effect comes from. On a simplistic level, you could argue it's the same thing as the butterfly effect. But if I recall, with chaos theory, the outcome is never the same. The possibilities are even more open than with the butterfly effect. I didn't take enough philosophy in school to properly explain this one. It's mostly here for reference.
des·ti·ny (dst-n)
n. pl. des·ti·nies
1. The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot.
2. A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: “Marriage and hanging go by destiny” (Robert Burton).
3. The power or agency thought to predetermine events: Destiny brought them together.
My first exposure to this word was in the third grade when we were studying history. "Manifest Destiny" — 19th century American expansionist doctrine that basically said it was god's will to explore and imperialize North America. That it was the duty of Americans to go forth and claim whatever they could because god said so. Even back then, I had problems with that. I wondered, "what about the Indians?" Heh, what about them? If it's god's will, who's to argue? Destiny? Predetermination? Eh, no thanks.
If where I am now is destiny, wouldn't there have been a more efficient way to get there? Something with less soul-sucking pain, angst and anguish? If someone really did map this out, they need to be shot — or congratulated — for making my "path" so fucked up and convoluted. Oh, it's a test? Riiiiiiiight. My answer to that? Blasphemous Rumors by Depeche Mode:
I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing.
Jen's scale of belief: 1 (eh... .5) out of 5
fate
n.
1. a. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
b. The inevitable events predestined by this force.
2. A final result or consequence; an outcome.
3. Unfavorable destiny; doom.
4. Fates Greek & Roman Mythology. The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.
Again, another supporting entry. Fate and destiny are interchangeable in my book. .5 out of 5. Bite me.
luck
n.
1. The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events; fortune: They met one day out of pure luck.
2. Good fortune or prosperity; success: We wish you luck.
3. One's personal fate or lot: It was just my luck to win a trip I couldn't take.
This is an interesting one. I believe you make your own luck. After I totaled the motorcycle, people said, "oh, you were so lucky you weren't seriously hurt." My answer was no, I was prepared. I made my own luck. I decided to ride with full gear all the time — helmet, gloves, jeans, boots, jacket. Did they save my bacon? Oh hell yeah. No denying that. The fact I crashed the bike, that was bad luck. I guess I'm really torn on this one. You make good luck; bad luck just happens? Hmmm... Either way you look at it, I'm a firm believer in being accountable, in taking responsibility for your actions. If you do everything in your power to prepare for an event, then it's not luck if you succeed. Was I lucky to get my current job? Sure. I was lucky ther was an opening. But my preparations, my resume and talents got me the job. There was very little luck in getting hired; I have the tools to succeed. Pretty cut and dried, at least to me. 2 out of 5.
ser·en·dip·i·ty
n. pl. ser·en·dip·i·ties
1. The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
2. The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
3. An instance of making such a discovery.
This one appeals to me. Sensing a trend here perhaps? I've always liked this idea. My dating "philosophy" used to be that if you're not looking for it, you'll find it. I'm not sure how much I believe this any more. With the ex, I wasn't looking when I found him. After the divorce, I was looking but I wasn't sure what I wanted. I thought I just needed something physical. Or as Lyle Lovett put it in "Here I Am" (some of my favorite lyrics of all time):
Given that true intellectual and emotional compatability
Are at the very least difficult
If not impossible to come by
We could always opt for the more temporal gratification
Of sheer physical attraction
That wouldn't make you a shallow person
Would it?
Maybe in July and into August, all I wanted was something physical. September and October ... we'll use a metaphor. It's like climbing a hill. You've been climbing, trying to imagine what you'll see when you get to the top. You might even have a preconceived notion of what you'll find. But you get there, and you take in the view … and you remember seeing something like it once before, but it's a faint memory. This is different. You're not really sure what you should do. So you step back and take it in. Your heart says one thing. And your mind, well, it eventually agrees with your heart. Does that make sense? Who the hell knows. I think it read well. Maybe.
Anyway, serendipity is about finding something unexpected when you're looking for something else. Yeah, I'm babbling because I'm getting tired. But as it applies to me, and my god I need an editor since it took all of those other words to bring me to this point: I went looking for friendship and found love. Yes, I love my friends; not what I meant, dammit. Sheesh. Feeling way too goofy at the moment … anyway. 4 out of 5
To wrap this up: I don't have the answers. I do believe things happen for a reason, but I don't think that's necessarily fate or destiny. Fate and destiny don't take emotions into account very well. Fate and destiny don't take into account the fact the outcome can be changed. What happens if one Saturday night in September, I go out with a co-worker instead of the way things worked out? (never been so glad to have someone flake on me in my life.) Oh, that would've been part of the plan that someone had for me. Bullshit. Life is about variables. It's about opportunities and making something out of them. It wasn't fate that helped me win scholarships; it was hard work and my abilities. It wasn't fate that brought me to Idaho; it was a pay check and a chance to get some management experience. And it's not even about being a control freak; it's about being accountable.
So in Jen's world: butterfly effect and serendipity, good. Fate and destiny, bad. Yeah, it would've been easier to just say that. But it wouldn't have been nearly as much fun. So there.
I should know better than to try and philosophize like this at this hour. Oddly, this is the time when I think of this sort of wacky stuff. So here goes.
Definitions from dictionary.com
Main Entry: butterfly effect
Function: noun
Definition: a chaotic effect created by something seemingly insignificant, the phenomenon whereby a small change in one part of a complex system can have a large effect somewhere else
Etymology: from the beating of a butterfly's wings in one place causing a tornado in another part of the world
butterfly effect
n: the phenomenon whereby a small change at one place in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere, e.g., a butterfly flapping its wings in Rio de Janeiro might change the weather in Chicago
I've mentioned this before in terms of the extraordinary set of events that brought the ex and me together. Someone he used to work with in Indiana got a job in Monterey. He thought of the ex when there was a job opening. The ex goes to Monterey in 1998, where I'd been working since 1997 because of a job app I had on file at the Mercury News that they forwarded. One day, we start talking about video games and swap AOL screen names. We chat online. We eventually go out for drinks. We're both unhappy in our current relationships, we hook up. We plan on getting married, I get cold-called for the job up here, and we move in 2000. I get laid off in 2002, start working at the game store at the mall. He's still there at the paper, having risen to a job of some importance, and eventually meets the Whiskey Tango queen. The mall job leads to the job at the Post in June 2003. I meet many people working there, including the man I'm in love with right now. June 2004 rolls around, shit hits the fan and I'm divorced in August. Once again, thanks to the magic of e-mail, I'm able to let people know what I'm going through and I get through the crisis a better person. And without going into too much detail (since my limited audience knows the details), here I am today, happier than I've been in a long time, feeling better about myself — physically, mentally, emotionally — than I can recall. Yeah, you could follow this through even further back than where I started; I picked the starting point out of convenience. It's certainly an interesting concept. Jen's scale of belief: 4 out of 5.
Main Entry: chaos theory
Function: noun
Definition: the study of unpredictable and complex dynamic systems that are highly sensitive to small changes in external conditions
This is where the butterfly effect comes from. On a simplistic level, you could argue it's the same thing as the butterfly effect. But if I recall, with chaos theory, the outcome is never the same. The possibilities are even more open than with the butterfly effect. I didn't take enough philosophy in school to properly explain this one. It's mostly here for reference.
des·ti·ny (dst-n)
n. pl. des·ti·nies
1. The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot.
2. A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: “Marriage and hanging go by destiny” (Robert Burton).
3. The power or agency thought to predetermine events: Destiny brought them together.
My first exposure to this word was in the third grade when we were studying history. "Manifest Destiny" — 19th century American expansionist doctrine that basically said it was god's will to explore and imperialize North America. That it was the duty of Americans to go forth and claim whatever they could because god said so. Even back then, I had problems with that. I wondered, "what about the Indians?" Heh, what about them? If it's god's will, who's to argue? Destiny? Predetermination? Eh, no thanks.
If where I am now is destiny, wouldn't there have been a more efficient way to get there? Something with less soul-sucking pain, angst and anguish? If someone really did map this out, they need to be shot — or congratulated — for making my "path" so fucked up and convoluted. Oh, it's a test? Riiiiiiiight. My answer to that? Blasphemous Rumors by Depeche Mode:
I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humour
And when I die
I expect to find Him laughing.
Jen's scale of belief: 1 (eh... .5) out of 5
fate
n.
1. a. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
b. The inevitable events predestined by this force.
2. A final result or consequence; an outcome.
3. Unfavorable destiny; doom.
4. Fates Greek & Roman Mythology. The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.
Again, another supporting entry. Fate and destiny are interchangeable in my book. .5 out of 5. Bite me.
luck
n.
1. The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events; fortune: They met one day out of pure luck.
2. Good fortune or prosperity; success: We wish you luck.
3. One's personal fate or lot: It was just my luck to win a trip I couldn't take.
This is an interesting one. I believe you make your own luck. After I totaled the motorcycle, people said, "oh, you were so lucky you weren't seriously hurt." My answer was no, I was prepared. I made my own luck. I decided to ride with full gear all the time — helmet, gloves, jeans, boots, jacket. Did they save my bacon? Oh hell yeah. No denying that. The fact I crashed the bike, that was bad luck. I guess I'm really torn on this one. You make good luck; bad luck just happens? Hmmm... Either way you look at it, I'm a firm believer in being accountable, in taking responsibility for your actions. If you do everything in your power to prepare for an event, then it's not luck if you succeed. Was I lucky to get my current job? Sure. I was lucky ther was an opening. But my preparations, my resume and talents got me the job. There was very little luck in getting hired; I have the tools to succeed. Pretty cut and dried, at least to me. 2 out of 5.
ser·en·dip·i·ty
n. pl. ser·en·dip·i·ties
1. The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
2. The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
3. An instance of making such a discovery.
This one appeals to me. Sensing a trend here perhaps? I've always liked this idea. My dating "philosophy" used to be that if you're not looking for it, you'll find it. I'm not sure how much I believe this any more. With the ex, I wasn't looking when I found him. After the divorce, I was looking but I wasn't sure what I wanted. I thought I just needed something physical. Or as Lyle Lovett put it in "Here I Am" (some of my favorite lyrics of all time):
Given that true intellectual and emotional compatability
Are at the very least difficult
If not impossible to come by
We could always opt for the more temporal gratification
Of sheer physical attraction
That wouldn't make you a shallow person
Would it?
Maybe in July and into August, all I wanted was something physical. September and October ... we'll use a metaphor. It's like climbing a hill. You've been climbing, trying to imagine what you'll see when you get to the top. You might even have a preconceived notion of what you'll find. But you get there, and you take in the view … and you remember seeing something like it once before, but it's a faint memory. This is different. You're not really sure what you should do. So you step back and take it in. Your heart says one thing. And your mind, well, it eventually agrees with your heart. Does that make sense? Who the hell knows. I think it read well. Maybe.
Anyway, serendipity is about finding something unexpected when you're looking for something else. Yeah, I'm babbling because I'm getting tired. But as it applies to me, and my god I need an editor since it took all of those other words to bring me to this point: I went looking for friendship and found love. Yes, I love my friends; not what I meant, dammit. Sheesh. Feeling way too goofy at the moment … anyway. 4 out of 5
To wrap this up: I don't have the answers. I do believe things happen for a reason, but I don't think that's necessarily fate or destiny. Fate and destiny don't take emotions into account very well. Fate and destiny don't take into account the fact the outcome can be changed. What happens if one Saturday night in September, I go out with a co-worker instead of the way things worked out? (never been so glad to have someone flake on me in my life.) Oh, that would've been part of the plan that someone had for me. Bullshit. Life is about variables. It's about opportunities and making something out of them. It wasn't fate that helped me win scholarships; it was hard work and my abilities. It wasn't fate that brought me to Idaho; it was a pay check and a chance to get some management experience. And it's not even about being a control freak; it's about being accountable.
So in Jen's world: butterfly effect and serendipity, good. Fate and destiny, bad. Yeah, it would've been easier to just say that. But it wouldn't have been nearly as much fun. So there.
Friday, October 8, 2004
Eh, look what followed me from the other journal...
Yeah, I've got a thing for playlists. I thought I'd try and do less of that here, but what the hell... music is a big part of my life. At least they have their own category now.
This is a playlist I originally did to "commemorate" the three-month anniversary of my break-up (remember what I said earlier about dates?) and, to a lesser extent, 100 days of me being on my own. I've just copied and pasted the list. Oh what the hell. Here's (most of) the journal entry from that day too.
Three months and ... ? [Sep. 19th, 2004|02:25 pm]
[mood | annoyed]
[music | iTunes ~ 9.18.04 playlist]
It’s a long time, and it isn’t. A marriage and a best friend lost. A job found. New direction in life, a willingness to relocate for work. I guess the bottom line is that I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people.
If I look at the three months from March to June, it’s all fairly unremarkable. Nothing stands out, except for maybe losing the part-time job, or the fact I decided to write again. June to September, well, I’ve never been through something like that before. Obviously, ending the marriage was a big thing. I am surprised, however, at how much my attitude toward the ex has changed. I thought I’d want him to be a part of my life, and maybe some day I’ll feel that way again, but I’ve got other things to focus on, other people I want to focus my attention on. If not for the fact he still owed me money, I’m certain I’d tell him to go fuck himself. I don’t like being lied to, I don’t like dishonesty — especially by omission.
There’s nothing wrong with me being selfish. More than any other time, I need to take care of me. I need to do what’s good for me. That doesn’t mean abandoning people or not looking out for them; it just means I’m really looking out for myself. Not necessarily a great thing, but it beats the hell out of doing things for people who don’t appreciate them, or won’t respond regardless of what it is. Or when they do respond, it’s “haha... I’d love to do that for you but I’m out of town. lol.” Fuck him. Give me my money and then enjoy your white trash life. Not worth the energy. Must remember that.
[10.08.04 edit: It bears mentioning that while it would be nice to have the money, I've accepted the fact I'm not going to get it. I'm also not nearly as angry as I was. It's amazing how much easier it is for me to let go of things now. Yeah, holding grudges (to a certain extent) is character flaw of mine that won't completely go away; you wrong me, I'm not going to forget that. But it's that whole "don't sweat the small stuff" mentality that's been nice to adopt. Only worry about the things you can control.
From a personal growth standpoint, the divorce is one of the best things that could have happened to me. But there's no way I could have accepted that until now, no way I would've considered that. You're going to tell me I'm better off without the man I thought was the love of my life and my best friend? Good luck with that. I'm not discounting the fact I was completely miserable for about two months. Then things started turning around... how could they not? I knew my luck had to change, I just had to be patient. And in an ironic twist, I'm more willing to trust and love right now. Who would've seen that coming? But yes, I am better off. I am happier, happier than I've been for a long time (yes, including when I was married). Yes, you make your own luck, your actions (or inactions) have an affect on the outcome. But I'm also a firm believer in the "butterfly effect"/ everything happens for a reason. It was an extraordinary set of circumstances that brought the ex and me together. And if you carry that set of actions through to where I am now … wow. Anyway, back to the angst of nearly a month ago…]
And rejection, well, I’ve covered that before. Do your worst. Really. I can take a lot these days. Don’t really like it, but I can handle it. The stuff lately isn’t really rejection per se; it’s more of a lack of courtesy than anything else. Follow through, that’s all. I guess it’s proof I put my expectations in the wrong place. I won't be doing that again. I was fine before, I’ll be fine now.
Anyway, it wouldn’t be a proper LJ entry without music to go with the angst. Here’s another playlist I did to “commemorate” the three months since “the bomb.”
1. Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters
Love this song. I’ve covered why before.
2. Soul To Squeeze ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers
Pretty good advice here. Peace of mind... I’ve heard of that.
Where I go, I just don’t know.
I’ve got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I’m gonna give you some of my good time.
Today love smiled on me,
And took away my pain, said please.
Oh let your ride be free.
You gotta let it be,
Oh yeah.
3. Rearviewmirror ~ Pearl Jam
Not looking back is a hard thing. But it’s necessary. The funny thing is, it’s getting tougher to remember those good times, the way things used to be. Ask me on my anniversary next month if I feel the same.
Saw things (4x)
Clearer (2x)
Once you, were in my... rearviewmirror...
I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all I’m far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...
4. Gotta Be More ~ Marc Broussard
Yeah, him again. Deal with it.
5. Where the Streets Have No Name ~ U2
From the Elevation DVD, of course.
6. Lonesome Day ~ Bruce Springsteen
I’ve had a few of these lately, but compared to the way things were a month ago, it’s tough to complain. That won’t stop me, but I know things will work out.
7. Speeding Up To Slow Down ~ Better Than Ezra
Yes, the singer whines. Yes, they’re filled with angst. Sue me.
If they calm you down,
Then excite them
If they call you out,
Then ignore them.
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
When they all believe,
You reject it.
When they all are for,
Be against it.
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
If they call you out
They will tear you down
When your world falls in
Then they’ll leave you dry
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
Down, down, down
8. In My Place ~ Coldplay
Not all of it applies, but I still like the song.
In my place, In my place,
Were lines that I couldn’t change,
I was lost, oh yeah,
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed,
I was lost oh yeah...
9. I Don’t Want to Be ~ Gavin DeGraw
I think this song, and the Foo Fighters song do the best job of summarizing where I am right now.
10. Come What May (remix) ~ Ewan McGregor
Ewan has a fabulous voice. If he showed up at my door, I’d invite him in for tea. Or something. >_>
11. I’m Alive (BT & Sasha Mix) - Seal ~ BT
Haven’t listened to this one in a long time. It got me through that period when I wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do.
12. Here Is Gone ~ Goo Goo Dolls
It’s fitting to include these guys. They were there at the beginning, and now they’re here at the end. Nice to know they have songs about running off and getting married and traumatic break-ups.
And I don’t need the fallout of all the past
That’s here between us
And I’m not holding on
And all your lies weren’t enough to keep me here
13. Maybe Tomorrow ~ Stereophonics
I’ve been down and
I’m wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me
It wastes time
And I’d rather be high
Think I’ll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They’re all free
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe
I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
14. I Am ~ Train
An older song, but I still like it.
15. New Deep ~ John Mayer
Never listened to an artist who could sound so happy about really shitty situations. And to think I dismissed John Mayer early on because he was so popular. I did that with U2 after The Joshua Tree. Sheesh. I’m pretty sure I blew my chance to see him when he came to town. Dammit.
I’m so alive
I’m so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I’ve got a plan
I’m gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time
Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It’s been fine
I’ve been cool
With my new golden rule
Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it’s been
16. Fall Back Down ~ Rancid
Another band I need to see in concert. Good shit right here.
It takes disaster to learn a lesson
You’re gonna make it through the darkest night
Some people betray one and cause treason
We’re gonna make everything alright
Well the worst of times, now, they don’t phase me
Even if I look and act really crazy
I went way down, she betrayed me
Now my vision is no longer hazy
I’m very lucky to have my crew
They stood by me when she flew
I’ve been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
She’s not the one coming back for you
She’s not the one coming back for you
If I fall back down, you’re gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you’re gonna be my friend
17. Through with You ~ Maroon 5
Ah, we’ve reached the angry part of this playlist. Full lyrics.
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don’t trust you
Cause every time you’re here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I’m sick of thinking anything at all
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through with you
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through with you
I ain’t never coming back to you
18. Now That It’s over ~ Everclear
This one starts out pretty slow, but it really gets going about two-thirds through. Still not sure if I want to tell him to fuck off. Part of me wants that, the other part doesn’t want to burn bridges. No need to be hasty, I guess. Doesn’t change the fact I like the sentiment here.
One, two, three, four
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it’s over
Break down, shake for me
Don’t write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it’s over
Maybe we can be friends
Now that we’re older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it’s over
Yeah right!
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it’s over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it’s over
Oh yeah...
My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do
My nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell
Yeah right!
Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it’s over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you’re leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I’m dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just wakin’ up in my own way
Now that it’s over
Now that it’s over
My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do
Nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it’s over...
This is a playlist I originally did to "commemorate" the three-month anniversary of my break-up (remember what I said earlier about dates?) and, to a lesser extent, 100 days of me being on my own. I've just copied and pasted the list. Oh what the hell. Here's (most of) the journal entry from that day too.
Three months and ... ? [Sep. 19th, 2004|02:25 pm]
[mood | annoyed]
[music | iTunes ~ 9.18.04 playlist]
It’s a long time, and it isn’t. A marriage and a best friend lost. A job found. New direction in life, a willingness to relocate for work. I guess the bottom line is that I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people.
If I look at the three months from March to June, it’s all fairly unremarkable. Nothing stands out, except for maybe losing the part-time job, or the fact I decided to write again. June to September, well, I’ve never been through something like that before. Obviously, ending the marriage was a big thing. I am surprised, however, at how much my attitude toward the ex has changed. I thought I’d want him to be a part of my life, and maybe some day I’ll feel that way again, but I’ve got other things to focus on, other people I want to focus my attention on. If not for the fact he still owed me money, I’m certain I’d tell him to go fuck himself. I don’t like being lied to, I don’t like dishonesty — especially by omission.
There’s nothing wrong with me being selfish. More than any other time, I need to take care of me. I need to do what’s good for me. That doesn’t mean abandoning people or not looking out for them; it just means I’m really looking out for myself. Not necessarily a great thing, but it beats the hell out of doing things for people who don’t appreciate them, or won’t respond regardless of what it is. Or when they do respond, it’s “haha... I’d love to do that for you but I’m out of town. lol.” Fuck him. Give me my money and then enjoy your white trash life. Not worth the energy. Must remember that.
[10.08.04 edit: It bears mentioning that while it would be nice to have the money, I've accepted the fact I'm not going to get it. I'm also not nearly as angry as I was. It's amazing how much easier it is for me to let go of things now. Yeah, holding grudges (to a certain extent) is character flaw of mine that won't completely go away; you wrong me, I'm not going to forget that. But it's that whole "don't sweat the small stuff" mentality that's been nice to adopt. Only worry about the things you can control.
From a personal growth standpoint, the divorce is one of the best things that could have happened to me. But there's no way I could have accepted that until now, no way I would've considered that. You're going to tell me I'm better off without the man I thought was the love of my life and my best friend? Good luck with that. I'm not discounting the fact I was completely miserable for about two months. Then things started turning around... how could they not? I knew my luck had to change, I just had to be patient. And in an ironic twist, I'm more willing to trust and love right now. Who would've seen that coming? But yes, I am better off. I am happier, happier than I've been for a long time (yes, including when I was married). Yes, you make your own luck, your actions (or inactions) have an affect on the outcome. But I'm also a firm believer in the "butterfly effect"/ everything happens for a reason. It was an extraordinary set of circumstances that brought the ex and me together. And if you carry that set of actions through to where I am now … wow. Anyway, back to the angst of nearly a month ago…]
And rejection, well, I’ve covered that before. Do your worst. Really. I can take a lot these days. Don’t really like it, but I can handle it. The stuff lately isn’t really rejection per se; it’s more of a lack of courtesy than anything else. Follow through, that’s all. I guess it’s proof I put my expectations in the wrong place. I won't be doing that again. I was fine before, I’ll be fine now.
Anyway, it wouldn’t be a proper LJ entry without music to go with the angst. Here’s another playlist I did to “commemorate” the three months since “the bomb.”
1. Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters
Love this song. I’ve covered why before.
2. Soul To Squeeze ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers
Pretty good advice here. Peace of mind... I’ve heard of that.
Where I go, I just don’t know.
I’ve got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I’m gonna give you some of my good time.
Today love smiled on me,
And took away my pain, said please.
Oh let your ride be free.
You gotta let it be,
Oh yeah.
3. Rearviewmirror ~ Pearl Jam
Not looking back is a hard thing. But it’s necessary. The funny thing is, it’s getting tougher to remember those good times, the way things used to be. Ask me on my anniversary next month if I feel the same.
Saw things (4x)
Clearer (2x)
Once you, were in my... rearviewmirror...
I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all I’m far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...
4. Gotta Be More ~ Marc Broussard
Yeah, him again. Deal with it.
5. Where the Streets Have No Name ~ U2
From the Elevation DVD, of course.
6. Lonesome Day ~ Bruce Springsteen
I’ve had a few of these lately, but compared to the way things were a month ago, it’s tough to complain. That won’t stop me, but I know things will work out.
7. Speeding Up To Slow Down ~ Better Than Ezra
Yes, the singer whines. Yes, they’re filled with angst. Sue me.
If they calm you down,
Then excite them
If they call you out,
Then ignore them.
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
When they all believe,
You reject it.
When they all are for,
Be against it.
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
If they call you out
They will tear you down
When your world falls in
Then they’ll leave you dry
You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
Down, down, down
8. In My Place ~ Coldplay
Not all of it applies, but I still like the song.
In my place, In my place,
Were lines that I couldn’t change,
I was lost, oh yeah,
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed,
I was lost oh yeah...
9. I Don’t Want to Be ~ Gavin DeGraw
I think this song, and the Foo Fighters song do the best job of summarizing where I am right now.
10. Come What May (remix) ~ Ewan McGregor
Ewan has a fabulous voice. If he showed up at my door, I’d invite him in for tea. Or something. >_>
11. I’m Alive (BT & Sasha Mix) - Seal ~ BT
Haven’t listened to this one in a long time. It got me through that period when I wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do.
12. Here Is Gone ~ Goo Goo Dolls
It’s fitting to include these guys. They were there at the beginning, and now they’re here at the end. Nice to know they have songs about running off and getting married and traumatic break-ups.
And I don’t need the fallout of all the past
That’s here between us
And I’m not holding on
And all your lies weren’t enough to keep me here
13. Maybe Tomorrow ~ Stereophonics
I’ve been down and
I’m wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me
It wastes time
And I’d rather be high
Think I’ll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They’re all free
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe
I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
14. I Am ~ Train
An older song, but I still like it.
15. New Deep ~ John Mayer
Never listened to an artist who could sound so happy about really shitty situations. And to think I dismissed John Mayer early on because he was so popular. I did that with U2 after The Joshua Tree. Sheesh. I’m pretty sure I blew my chance to see him when he came to town. Dammit.
I’m so alive
I’m so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I’ve got a plan
I’m gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time
Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It’s been fine
I’ve been cool
With my new golden rule
Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it’s been
16. Fall Back Down ~ Rancid
Another band I need to see in concert. Good shit right here.
It takes disaster to learn a lesson
You’re gonna make it through the darkest night
Some people betray one and cause treason
We’re gonna make everything alright
Well the worst of times, now, they don’t phase me
Even if I look and act really crazy
I went way down, she betrayed me
Now my vision is no longer hazy
I’m very lucky to have my crew
They stood by me when she flew
I’ve been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
She’s not the one coming back for you
She’s not the one coming back for you
If I fall back down, you’re gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you’re gonna be my friend
17. Through with You ~ Maroon 5
Ah, we’ve reached the angry part of this playlist. Full lyrics.
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don’t trust you
Cause every time you’re here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I’m sick of thinking anything at all
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through with you
You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through with you
I ain’t never coming back to you
18. Now That It’s over ~ Everclear
This one starts out pretty slow, but it really gets going about two-thirds through. Still not sure if I want to tell him to fuck off. Part of me wants that, the other part doesn’t want to burn bridges. No need to be hasty, I guess. Doesn’t change the fact I like the sentiment here.
One, two, three, four
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it’s over
Break down, shake for me
Don’t write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it’s over
Maybe we can be friends
Now that we’re older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it’s over
Yeah right!
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it’s over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it’s over
Oh yeah...
My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do
My nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell
Yeah right!
Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it’s over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you’re leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I’m dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just wakin’ up in my own way
Now that it’s over
Now that it’s over
My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do
Nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it’s over...
Thursday, October 7, 2004
Two down...
Yesterday marked another minor milestone. How significant can it be if I didn't remember until today?
So I've been divorced for two months and a day now. The scariest thing is, I don't remember what it's like to be married. Seriously.
I'm pretty good about remembering dates. I know my wedding anniversary, the first time the (now) ex and I ever went out. I know the birthdays in my family. Heck, I know a "new" birthday. I know the day the ex said he wanted to leave. And I know the day the divorce paperwork was finalized. For those last two, I guess I'm not giving them as much importance any more. I may have stumbled upon the reasons why.
Time has a way of dulling feelings. Memories fade. The love and friendship I once felt for the ex has been replaced by indifference. I don't necessarily wish him ill, but a person reaches a certain point when they realize it's just not worth the effort. Good relationships require a give and take. A lot what I'm feeling stems from the fact he can't even be courteous enough to respond to e-mails or phone calls. I think it's been a month since I've heard from him. And that's fine. If he can't make good on certain promises, well, I'm not the one who has to live with that. I don't make promises I can't, or don't intend, to keep.
The other part to all this is the fact I've moved on and found someone else. Or rather, we found each other. It's been too long since I've been this happy, that I've had feelings like this for another person. There's something to be said for sitting back and letting things happen. That's not to say I wasn't actively pursuing him, it's just it was with more of a "let's see what happens" mentality. And it's been great. Really, it amazes me I was married. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet things exploded in June. And here I am, happier than I've been in a very long time.
Whatever happens, happens. No weird expectations, nothing like that. It's the most "adult" I've felt in all of the relationships I've had. Then again, I've been though a lot. That's part of what makes this feel so nice. The other part is being with someone who cares about me, who appreciates me. Who, I think, understands that I might not completely have my shit together all the time. After the ex dropped the bomb, there is no way I thought I'd be in the position I'm in right now. I've got a job I'm relatively happy with, I'm moving and I have a social life. It's all pretty amazing, really. Then again, so is this man I've fallen for.
So I've been divorced for two months and a day now. The scariest thing is, I don't remember what it's like to be married. Seriously.
I'm pretty good about remembering dates. I know my wedding anniversary, the first time the (now) ex and I ever went out. I know the birthdays in my family. Heck, I know a "new" birthday. I know the day the ex said he wanted to leave. And I know the day the divorce paperwork was finalized. For those last two, I guess I'm not giving them as much importance any more. I may have stumbled upon the reasons why.
Time has a way of dulling feelings. Memories fade. The love and friendship I once felt for the ex has been replaced by indifference. I don't necessarily wish him ill, but a person reaches a certain point when they realize it's just not worth the effort. Good relationships require a give and take. A lot what I'm feeling stems from the fact he can't even be courteous enough to respond to e-mails or phone calls. I think it's been a month since I've heard from him. And that's fine. If he can't make good on certain promises, well, I'm not the one who has to live with that. I don't make promises I can't, or don't intend, to keep.
The other part to all this is the fact I've moved on and found someone else. Or rather, we found each other. It's been too long since I've been this happy, that I've had feelings like this for another person. There's something to be said for sitting back and letting things happen. That's not to say I wasn't actively pursuing him, it's just it was with more of a "let's see what happens" mentality. And it's been great. Really, it amazes me I was married. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet things exploded in June. And here I am, happier than I've been in a very long time.
Whatever happens, happens. No weird expectations, nothing like that. It's the most "adult" I've felt in all of the relationships I've had. Then again, I've been though a lot. That's part of what makes this feel so nice. The other part is being with someone who cares about me, who appreciates me. Who, I think, understands that I might not completely have my shit together all the time. After the ex dropped the bomb, there is no way I thought I'd be in the position I'm in right now. I've got a job I'm relatively happy with, I'm moving and I have a social life. It's all pretty amazing, really. Then again, so is this man I've fallen for.
Saturday, October 2, 2004
Fall(ing) 04
Wherein the heroine makes a mix CD, then gives a copy to her special guy.
Back in the day, I was big into making mix tapes for people. Then I started making them for myself with songs that evoked certain feelings about people. I put these songs together knowing I'd make a copy of the CD for the person who inspired me. Here's why I picked them.
Enjoy the Silence (Reinterpreted) ~ Depeche Mode
This is a great version of this song. I can't believe how much more I like this one vs. the original.
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Tonight, Tonight ~ Smashing Pumpkins
A powerful song and one of my favorites by these guys. At its core, this is a song about trust and optimism.
Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters
I've always liked this song, but it wasn't until I sat down and really gave it a listen that I really appreciated it. It's another good song about moving on, and deciding what's important.
i, i’m a one way motorway
i’m the one that drives away
then follows you back home
i, i’m a street light shining
i’m a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone
it’s times like these you learn to live again
it’s times like these you give and give again
it’s times like these you learn to love again
it’s times like these time and time again
i, i’m a new day rising
i’m a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
i, i’m a little divided
do i stay or run away
and leave it all behind?
it’s times like these you learn to live again
it’s times like these you give and give again
it’s times like these you learn to love again
it’s times like these time and time again (Repeat)
Something about You ~ Five for Fighting
This was another song I found on iTMS. Another one I'm glad I bought.
It’s been to long and I’m about to be in time for me
It’s been to long and I’m in time, I’m in time
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to I’m
Going to hold on to that
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to I’m
Going to hold on to that
And I’m going to be there...
Be there... alright... alright...
I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to get out there to see you
In Between Days ~ Ben Folds
I don't remember how many times I played this the first time I got it, but it was a lot. Ben Folds is full of angst, but this song is so damn happy and perky. I like it a lot. It's here more for the fact it's a cool song than the sentiment.
yesterday i got so old
i felt like i could die
yesterday i got so old
it made me want to cry
go on go on
just walk away
go on go on
your choice is made
go on go on
and disappear
go on go on
away from here
and i know i was wrong
when i said it was true
that it couldn't be me and be her
in between without you
without you
yesterday i got so scared
i shivered like a child
yesterday away from you
it froze me deep inside
come back come back
don't walk away
come back come back
come back today
come back come back
why can't you see?
come back come back
come back to me
and i know i was wrong
when i said it was true
that it couldn't be me and be her
in between without you
without you
Fool in the Rain (Exclusive Non-Album Track) ~ O.A.R.
OK, I'm big into covers. And a lot of the time, I like the cover better than the original. Blasphemy, I know, but hey, whatever works. It's a long song, so here's the first verse.
Well there's a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that can't wait for a night
I hate to think I've been blinded baby
Why can't I see you tonight
And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin'
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I'm shaking so much, really yearning
Why don't you show up, make it all right, yeah, it's all right, all right
Come Around ~ Marc Broussard
Another musician the iTunes store got me hooked on. This was the free song that got me to buy three others. I love his voice; there need to be more singers who are this fun and soulful. "Baby you can use me/Any way that you enjoy." Heh.
Baby you can use me
Any way that you enjoy
You know how to groove me
I’m dancing like a little boy
You do something to me
I just want to lay you down
Any time or place
So come around
My life was full of doubt til you came around
So baby come around, keep on comin’ around
I’d never been so turned out until you came around
So baby come around, please keep coming around
Only Heart ~ John Mayer
I really don't know why I didn't get any John Mayer before this year. Yet another case of me not wanting to like someone because they're "popular," i.e. what I did with U2 and The Joshua Tree. You'd think I would learn. The bottom line is that Mayer is pretty damn good. And I've heard he's an even better blues guitarist. A simple song, but the chorus in particular grabbed me.
Remember now you
You've got my only heart
Yeah, you got my only heart
Yeah, you got my only
Only heart
One Week ~ Barenaked Ladies
A favorite of mine for a long time. This is a live version of this song — it's got a more wide-open feel to it since it's more stripped down than the original and has a … country feel to it. It works.
Just Like Heaven (Acoustic Version) ~ The Cure
A great take on the original. I think I prefer this version. First four verses.
show me
show me
show me
how you do that trick
the one that makes me scream
she said
the one that makes me laugh
she said
and threw her arms around my neck
show me how you do it
and i promise you
i promise that i'll run away with you
i'll run away with you
spinning on that dizzy edge
i kissed her face and kissed her head
and dreamed of all the different ways i had
to make her glow
why are you so far away?
she said
why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?
that i'm in love with you?
you
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
strange as angels
dancing in the deepest oceans
twisting in the water
you're just like a dream...
you're just like a dream...
Sunday Morning ~ Maroon 5
Acoustic version of this song... To me, Sunday mornings mean lounging in bed with your lover. That's why I included it. In my world, that's what Sunday mornings are for. Well, that and football. There is a particular Sunday morning that comes to mind with this song. I can only hope there will be more like it.
Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
Solsbury Hill ~ Peter Gabriel
This is from the "Growing Up Live" DVD. It's definitely one of my favorite PG songs, and may have surpassed "In Your Eyes" for the simple fact there's no baggage associated with this song; the other was "our" song once upon a time. This is a happy song, and I need happy right now.
Here I Am ~ Lyle Lovett
"Penguins" is the song that got me hooked on Lyle. I love the way he writes and sings … good, clever stuff. This version of the song is from Live in Texas. His horn section is awesome, and here's the second verse and chorus — because I can relate to them.
Given that true intellectual and emotional compatibility
Are at the very least difficult
If not impossible to come by
We could always opt for the more temporal gratification
Of sheer physical attraction
That wouldn't make you a shallow person
Would it
Here I am
Yes it's me
Take my hand
And you'll see
Here I am
Yes it's true
All I want
Girl is you
Collide ~ Howie Day
First two verses and chorus.
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
Your barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
I'm open, your closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
This Year's Love ~ David Gray
I think the only part of this song that doesn't fit is in the first verse — "And I've been waiting on my own too long." I haven't been waiting too long; I'm sure I've got friends who would argue that I'm getting involved too quickly. But when I step back and look at the unpleasant details of my marriage and compare it to what's right here in front of me … I don't want to say that I settled. I didn't, not in the beginning. But there were some things that weren't right, and I didn't see that. When you take that stuff into consideration, maybe I have been waiting. Of all the songs on this list, this comes the closest to revealing how I'm feeling right now.
This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
So who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This year's love had better last (repeat and fade)
Walk on the Ocean ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket
Another song I’ve always liked. For me, the ocean always will be special. The last two relationships I was in were tied to the Pacific ... two memorable trips to the ocean with one person, then falling in love in a coastal tourist town — basically the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived or visited. There are times when I wish I could go back to those days, to the way things were Monterey. But my life now isn’t so terrible I guess. Actually, when I look at where I've been and what's happened, there's not a whole lot to complain about. Well, as long as the ex isn't being discussed. Heh.
We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything’s better, everything’s safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
Time After Time ~ Tuck & Patti
I struggled with which version of this song to use the first time I put it in a playlist. I like the Willie Nelson cover, and hadn’t heard this version until recently. But the fact it’s so simple made me buy it. Her voice is wonderful; a more soulful, smoldering version of the original. I do like Cyndi Lauper’s version, but there’s something about the texture of this one that really grabbed me. It’s a very sensuous take on this song.
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after
Sometimes you picture me
I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear
What you’ve said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time
What Makes You ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
Another iTMS discovery. Jesse Harris wrote five songs for Norah Jones’ “Come Away with Me” and has some pretty good tunes of his own. Very simple song lyrically, but a decently complex arrangement. Nice play between the acoustic guitar, lead, bass and horns. Drums are tight and unobtrusive — nice to know there are still musicians out there who can avoid beating the living shit out of the snare drum. Oh, and it's a really beautiful song.
Don’t cry
I’ll wait
Patient
While we
Pass through
Something
More than you
More than me
Larger than memory
So let go
You must know
One thing
It’s more than you
More than me
Larger than memory
Meaning ~ Gavin DeGraw
I liked this song the moment I heard it two months ago. At the time, it was more wishful thinking than anything else. Now … well, without putting undue pressure anywhere, I think it applies.
Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountin' the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Back in the day, I was big into making mix tapes for people. Then I started making them for myself with songs that evoked certain feelings about people. I put these songs together knowing I'd make a copy of the CD for the person who inspired me. Here's why I picked them.
Enjoy the Silence (Reinterpreted) ~ Depeche Mode
This is a great version of this song. I can't believe how much more I like this one vs. the original.
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Tonight, Tonight ~ Smashing Pumpkins
A powerful song and one of my favorites by these guys. At its core, this is a song about trust and optimism.
Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters
I've always liked this song, but it wasn't until I sat down and really gave it a listen that I really appreciated it. It's another good song about moving on, and deciding what's important.
i, i’m a one way motorway
i’m the one that drives away
then follows you back home
i, i’m a street light shining
i’m a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone
it’s times like these you learn to live again
it’s times like these you give and give again
it’s times like these you learn to love again
it’s times like these time and time again
i, i’m a new day rising
i’m a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
i, i’m a little divided
do i stay or run away
and leave it all behind?
it’s times like these you learn to live again
it’s times like these you give and give again
it’s times like these you learn to love again
it’s times like these time and time again (Repeat)
Something about You ~ Five for Fighting
This was another song I found on iTMS. Another one I'm glad I bought.
It’s been to long and I’m about to be in time for me
It’s been to long and I’m in time, I’m in time
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to I’m
Going to hold on to that
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to I’m
Going to hold on to that
And I’m going to be there...
Be there... alright... alright...
I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to get out there to see you
In Between Days ~ Ben Folds
I don't remember how many times I played this the first time I got it, but it was a lot. Ben Folds is full of angst, but this song is so damn happy and perky. I like it a lot. It's here more for the fact it's a cool song than the sentiment.
yesterday i got so old
i felt like i could die
yesterday i got so old
it made me want to cry
go on go on
just walk away
go on go on
your choice is made
go on go on
and disappear
go on go on
away from here
and i know i was wrong
when i said it was true
that it couldn't be me and be her
in between without you
without you
yesterday i got so scared
i shivered like a child
yesterday away from you
it froze me deep inside
come back come back
don't walk away
come back come back
come back today
come back come back
why can't you see?
come back come back
come back to me
and i know i was wrong
when i said it was true
that it couldn't be me and be her
in between without you
without you
Fool in the Rain (Exclusive Non-Album Track) ~ O.A.R.
OK, I'm big into covers. And a lot of the time, I like the cover better than the original. Blasphemy, I know, but hey, whatever works. It's a long song, so here's the first verse.
Well there's a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that can't wait for a night
I hate to think I've been blinded baby
Why can't I see you tonight
And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin'
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I'm shaking so much, really yearning
Why don't you show up, make it all right, yeah, it's all right, all right
Come Around ~ Marc Broussard
Another musician the iTunes store got me hooked on. This was the free song that got me to buy three others. I love his voice; there need to be more singers who are this fun and soulful. "Baby you can use me/Any way that you enjoy." Heh.
Baby you can use me
Any way that you enjoy
You know how to groove me
I’m dancing like a little boy
You do something to me
I just want to lay you down
Any time or place
So come around
My life was full of doubt til you came around
So baby come around, keep on comin’ around
I’d never been so turned out until you came around
So baby come around, please keep coming around
Only Heart ~ John Mayer
I really don't know why I didn't get any John Mayer before this year. Yet another case of me not wanting to like someone because they're "popular," i.e. what I did with U2 and The Joshua Tree. You'd think I would learn. The bottom line is that Mayer is pretty damn good. And I've heard he's an even better blues guitarist. A simple song, but the chorus in particular grabbed me.
Remember now you
You've got my only heart
Yeah, you got my only heart
Yeah, you got my only
Only heart
One Week ~ Barenaked Ladies
A favorite of mine for a long time. This is a live version of this song — it's got a more wide-open feel to it since it's more stripped down than the original and has a … country feel to it. It works.
Just Like Heaven (Acoustic Version) ~ The Cure
A great take on the original. I think I prefer this version. First four verses.
show me
show me
show me
how you do that trick
the one that makes me scream
she said
the one that makes me laugh
she said
and threw her arms around my neck
show me how you do it
and i promise you
i promise that i'll run away with you
i'll run away with you
spinning on that dizzy edge
i kissed her face and kissed her head
and dreamed of all the different ways i had
to make her glow
why are you so far away?
she said
why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?
that i'm in love with you?
you
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
strange as angels
dancing in the deepest oceans
twisting in the water
you're just like a dream...
you're just like a dream...
Sunday Morning ~ Maroon 5
Acoustic version of this song... To me, Sunday mornings mean lounging in bed with your lover. That's why I included it. In my world, that's what Sunday mornings are for. Well, that and football. There is a particular Sunday morning that comes to mind with this song. I can only hope there will be more like it.
Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
Solsbury Hill ~ Peter Gabriel
This is from the "Growing Up Live" DVD. It's definitely one of my favorite PG songs, and may have surpassed "In Your Eyes" for the simple fact there's no baggage associated with this song; the other was "our" song once upon a time. This is a happy song, and I need happy right now.
Here I Am ~ Lyle Lovett
"Penguins" is the song that got me hooked on Lyle. I love the way he writes and sings … good, clever stuff. This version of the song is from Live in Texas. His horn section is awesome, and here's the second verse and chorus — because I can relate to them.
Given that true intellectual and emotional compatibility
Are at the very least difficult
If not impossible to come by
We could always opt for the more temporal gratification
Of sheer physical attraction
That wouldn't make you a shallow person
Would it
Here I am
Yes it's me
Take my hand
And you'll see
Here I am
Yes it's true
All I want
Girl is you
Collide ~ Howie Day
First two verses and chorus.
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
Your barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
I'm open, your closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
This Year's Love ~ David Gray
I think the only part of this song that doesn't fit is in the first verse — "And I've been waiting on my own too long." I haven't been waiting too long; I'm sure I've got friends who would argue that I'm getting involved too quickly. But when I step back and look at the unpleasant details of my marriage and compare it to what's right here in front of me … I don't want to say that I settled. I didn't, not in the beginning. But there were some things that weren't right, and I didn't see that. When you take that stuff into consideration, maybe I have been waiting. Of all the songs on this list, this comes the closest to revealing how I'm feeling right now.
This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
So who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This year's love had better last (repeat and fade)
Walk on the Ocean ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket
Another song I’ve always liked. For me, the ocean always will be special. The last two relationships I was in were tied to the Pacific ... two memorable trips to the ocean with one person, then falling in love in a coastal tourist town — basically the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived or visited. There are times when I wish I could go back to those days, to the way things were Monterey. But my life now isn’t so terrible I guess. Actually, when I look at where I've been and what's happened, there's not a whole lot to complain about. Well, as long as the ex isn't being discussed. Heh.
We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything’s better, everything’s safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
Time After Time ~ Tuck & Patti
I struggled with which version of this song to use the first time I put it in a playlist. I like the Willie Nelson cover, and hadn’t heard this version until recently. But the fact it’s so simple made me buy it. Her voice is wonderful; a more soulful, smoldering version of the original. I do like Cyndi Lauper’s version, but there’s something about the texture of this one that really grabbed me. It’s a very sensuous take on this song.
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after
Sometimes you picture me
I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear
What you’ve said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds
If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time
What Makes You ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
Another iTMS discovery. Jesse Harris wrote five songs for Norah Jones’ “Come Away with Me” and has some pretty good tunes of his own. Very simple song lyrically, but a decently complex arrangement. Nice play between the acoustic guitar, lead, bass and horns. Drums are tight and unobtrusive — nice to know there are still musicians out there who can avoid beating the living shit out of the snare drum. Oh, and it's a really beautiful song.
Don’t cry
I’ll wait
Patient
While we
Pass through
Something
More than you
More than me
Larger than memory
So let go
You must know
One thing
It’s more than you
More than me
Larger than memory
Meaning ~ Gavin DeGraw
I liked this song the moment I heard it two months ago. At the time, it was more wishful thinking than anything else. Now … well, without putting undue pressure anywhere, I think it applies.
Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountin' the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
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