Paid $2.49 a gallon for gas tonight. Just under 11 gallons cost $27. This shit is way outta control. Makes me glad I ended up with the Civic in the divorce last year. And I'm glad I can go 2-3 weeks before I need to tank up; not commuting to work makes a huge difference.
Anyway, gotta get up ass early for school in the morning. I'm glad this is job re-training and not the normal classroom shit. Then again, when I was in college I was smart enough to schedule shit late in the day. Eight hours on one topic gets pretty boring. Good thing the instructor is way cool and we have the internet.
And in yet another sign of me getting in on lost youth, I stand a very good chance at getting a job at one of the local pizza joints. First punk rock, now this...
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Words
Been awhile since I've posted anything in any blog, so this one is a fine place to start. Anyway, for those keeping score, I quit my job at the paper in June to go back to school and learn how to be a network administrator. It's been pretty nice to have the summer off (for the most part) to spend time with my guys. I've started playing a table-top miniatures (yeah, paint me purple and call me a geek) down at the local game store and it's been a lot of fun. Have a lot of work to do to get my networking certifications, but in the end, it will be worth it.
So yeah. That's my big update. Mostly. Maybe.
And get yer minds outta the gutter. I'm sore because *someone* headbutted my shoulder. Heh.
So yeah. That's my big update. Mostly. Maybe.
And get yer minds outta the gutter. I'm sore because *someone* headbutted my shoulder. Heh.
Thursday, May 5, 2005
Song, other stuff
Found yet another song. Guess who it's from...
In the on-going quest to find balance in my life (which is probably going to result in another tattoo, more in a bit), I find myself listening to the latest offering from Nine Inch Nails a lot. I've been listening to the CD since I got it Tuesday, and I'm not tired of it. Well, technically, I've been listening to it since Saturday when I snagged a bootleg copy. But it's definitely one of those things where the more I listen to it, the more I'm discovering. It's a really solid CD. And it's quite convenient that it fits where I am in my life, at least from a work standpoint.
I'm really trying to take the approach of "things are the way they are" when it comes to the job. There are certain things I can control, but there is no point in wasting the energy or getting stressed out again. Scott said it's a very Zen approach, which is I guess what I'm aiming for. That's not to say there haven't been annoying moments. There's no shortage of those, ever. But for once, I'm not letting myself get caught up in a lot of that. Maybe I'm growing up? Hah. Right. Tell me another one. It's certainly possible to grow without growing up; I know that much.
I needed the time away to recharge and find my bearings. I needed to spend time with the people who matter in my life. I needed time to breathe and I got all of that. I may need the paycheck to survive, but it's the friends, family and loved ones that keep me sane. I've always known that, but I haven't always appreciated it. I appreciate it more than ever and having an incredibly wonderful man in my life makes it easy to remember that. I've also got fantastic friends, new and old, who are willing to put up with my ramblings about how in love I am, or my rantings about work.
Oh, the song... here be lyrics:
Right Where It Belongs
Nine Inch Nails
See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all...right where it belongs
What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you really oughta know
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods,
Are you hiding in the trees?
What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
There's a lot of stuff to get through in this song. I'm not even sure where to begin with it. I just know it was stuck in my head when I was at the grocery store tonight and I listened to it all the way home (OK, I am a bit obsessive about this CD).
For starters, "And if you look at your reflection/Is it all you want it to be?" — that's what grabbed me. The whole chorus, really, stuck with me. If I answer the question, no, it's not what I want it to be, at least at work. The personal life, I know there can be more, but I really don't have a lot to complain about. We have something some people never find. I sure as hell didn't have it when I was married.
Anyway, that's enough rambling for now. I actually have other stuff I'd like to try and do before I get to sleep. Many web sites to visit and whatnot.
[Edit]
Forgot that I mentioned something up there about a tattoo. This is what I want:
With any luck, it will be that size, maybe a little bigger. I'm thinking left shoulder, just a nice solid black outline. My body seems to handle black ink pretty well. Assuming I get out of bed in time, I'll be heading to the tattoo shop before work and (hopefully) setting an appointment for Monday.
In the on-going quest to find balance in my life (which is probably going to result in another tattoo, more in a bit), I find myself listening to the latest offering from Nine Inch Nails a lot. I've been listening to the CD since I got it Tuesday, and I'm not tired of it. Well, technically, I've been listening to it since Saturday when I snagged a bootleg copy. But it's definitely one of those things where the more I listen to it, the more I'm discovering. It's a really solid CD. And it's quite convenient that it fits where I am in my life, at least from a work standpoint.
I'm really trying to take the approach of "things are the way they are" when it comes to the job. There are certain things I can control, but there is no point in wasting the energy or getting stressed out again. Scott said it's a very Zen approach, which is I guess what I'm aiming for. That's not to say there haven't been annoying moments. There's no shortage of those, ever. But for once, I'm not letting myself get caught up in a lot of that. Maybe I'm growing up? Hah. Right. Tell me another one. It's certainly possible to grow without growing up; I know that much.
I needed the time away to recharge and find my bearings. I needed to spend time with the people who matter in my life. I needed time to breathe and I got all of that. I may need the paycheck to survive, but it's the friends, family and loved ones that keep me sane. I've always known that, but I haven't always appreciated it. I appreciate it more than ever and having an incredibly wonderful man in my life makes it easy to remember that. I've also got fantastic friends, new and old, who are willing to put up with my ramblings about how in love I am, or my rantings about work.
Oh, the song... here be lyrics:
Right Where It Belongs
Nine Inch Nails
See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all...right where it belongs
What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you really oughta know
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods,
Are you hiding in the trees?
What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?
There's a lot of stuff to get through in this song. I'm not even sure where to begin with it. I just know it was stuck in my head when I was at the grocery store tonight and I listened to it all the way home (OK, I am a bit obsessive about this CD).
For starters, "And if you look at your reflection/Is it all you want it to be?" — that's what grabbed me. The whole chorus, really, stuck with me. If I answer the question, no, it's not what I want it to be, at least at work. The personal life, I know there can be more, but I really don't have a lot to complain about. We have something some people never find. I sure as hell didn't have it when I was married.
Anyway, that's enough rambling for now. I actually have other stuff I'd like to try and do before I get to sleep. Many web sites to visit and whatnot.
[Edit]
Forgot that I mentioned something up there about a tattoo. This is what I want:
With any luck, it will be that size, maybe a little bigger. I'm thinking left shoulder, just a nice solid black outline. My body seems to handle black ink pretty well. Assuming I get out of bed in time, I'll be heading to the tattoo shop before work and (hopefully) setting an appointment for Monday.
Sunday, May 1, 2005
Balance
Or, haven't we been down this road before?
I don't consider myself an overly emotional person. Cynical, bitter, angry, passionate (or dispassionate, depending on the situation) or any number of other adjectives, sure. I do what I can to keep my emotions in check. I prefer to be in control of them, and not the other way around. Recently, I've allowed stuff to surface that in the past would have stayed buried. I've been told it's a strength, not a weakness. I agree with this assessment/observation. It's just a bit of a change for me to let this stuff make an appearance in front of the person who is the source of it.
One of the last entries was about there not being enough time with my guy. This is the case once again. Spent a lot of time together Friday, spent all of Saturday and today together, and it was absolutely wonderful. I know there will be more days like these. But that doesn't make goodbyes any less ... depressing? Gut-wrenching? I don't really know the right word for this. I know there's a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat when it happens these days. And I know we'll see each other again, probably tomorrow some time. And to someone who's never felt this type of connection with another person, well, they clearly won't get it. I didn't get "it" until I realized I was in love with Scott and realized he felt the same way about me.
And before you go jumping to conclusions — knowing full well that my mind is in the gutter 95 percent of the time — this is about companionship, not sex. There are enough personal things I make public here; private life can stay private. I will say I've never been with anyone who makes me feel this way. It's amazing and wonderful and scary at the same time. Scary because I've never shared this much of myself with anyone before. I was still guarded with my emotions when I was married. Oddly, it took getting divorced for me to open up. I'm not even sure how much more to say about this, or where I'm headed with it.
I guess that even though there is a bit of sadness and longing going on right now, this weekend did help me find equilibrium. I know what's important in my life, I know where/how things rank. The past three days reminded me what I need to focus on when I start to get dragged down into the abyss. But despite all that, goodbyes still suck.
I don't consider myself an overly emotional person. Cynical, bitter, angry, passionate (or dispassionate, depending on the situation) or any number of other adjectives, sure. I do what I can to keep my emotions in check. I prefer to be in control of them, and not the other way around. Recently, I've allowed stuff to surface that in the past would have stayed buried. I've been told it's a strength, not a weakness. I agree with this assessment/observation. It's just a bit of a change for me to let this stuff make an appearance in front of the person who is the source of it.
One of the last entries was about there not being enough time with my guy. This is the case once again. Spent a lot of time together Friday, spent all of Saturday and today together, and it was absolutely wonderful. I know there will be more days like these. But that doesn't make goodbyes any less ... depressing? Gut-wrenching? I don't really know the right word for this. I know there's a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat when it happens these days. And I know we'll see each other again, probably tomorrow some time. And to someone who's never felt this type of connection with another person, well, they clearly won't get it. I didn't get "it" until I realized I was in love with Scott and realized he felt the same way about me.
And before you go jumping to conclusions — knowing full well that my mind is in the gutter 95 percent of the time — this is about companionship, not sex. There are enough personal things I make public here; private life can stay private. I will say I've never been with anyone who makes me feel this way. It's amazing and wonderful and scary at the same time. Scary because I've never shared this much of myself with anyone before. I was still guarded with my emotions when I was married. Oddly, it took getting divorced for me to open up. I'm not even sure how much more to say about this, or where I'm headed with it.
I guess that even though there is a bit of sadness and longing going on right now, this weekend did help me find equilibrium. I know what's important in my life, I know where/how things rank. The past three days reminded me what I need to focus on when I start to get dragged down into the abyss. But despite all that, goodbyes still suck.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Song ~ 04.25.05
Oldie but a goodie (still relatively new for me, however)…
Yet another song that makes me want to learn how to play guitar. And oddly enough, it actually fits my mood right now. Scott's played the guitar riff before and he played the CD in the car this afternoon. Just bought it on iTunes (got another free song!)
Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.
So I've completed Day 6 of a 10-day week. I'm tired, I'm annoyed, I'm frustrated, I'm hormonal and I'm missing Scott. Yes, we did just spend a lot of time together. But right now, there is nothing more important in my life than him and the boys. And I don't care what anyone thinks; priorities change. Balance is very important in my life. And for a long time, I was more career-driven. And I wasn't really that happy. Now I'm happier than ever and the reasons are all related to my personal life and where my priorities are.
But yeah. As for that whole missing my guy thing... I won't go into too much detail, but I think I've said before that he makes my heart glad. I know I'm the one responsible for my happiness. But there's something that happens when you commit yourself to someone, or something, mind, body and soul. And while that connection is constant, distance be damned, there is something awfully comforting about having that person there when you fall asleep and when you wake up.
Yet another song that makes me want to learn how to play guitar. And oddly enough, it actually fits my mood right now. Scott's played the guitar riff before and he played the CD in the car this afternoon. Just bought it on iTunes (got another free song!)
Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.
So I've completed Day 6 of a 10-day week. I'm tired, I'm annoyed, I'm frustrated, I'm hormonal and I'm missing Scott. Yes, we did just spend a lot of time together. But right now, there is nothing more important in my life than him and the boys. And I don't care what anyone thinks; priorities change. Balance is very important in my life. And for a long time, I was more career-driven. And I wasn't really that happy. Now I'm happier than ever and the reasons are all related to my personal life and where my priorities are.
But yeah. As for that whole missing my guy thing... I won't go into too much detail, but I think I've said before that he makes my heart glad. I know I'm the one responsible for my happiness. But there's something that happens when you commit yourself to someone, or something, mind, body and soul. And while that connection is constant, distance be damned, there is something awfully comforting about having that person there when you fall asleep and when you wake up.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Song ~ 04.19.05
Thanks, iTunes!
Found this remix of Mr. Brightside by The Killers and it is good. Officially, it's "Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix). Whatever that means.
Lyrics:
Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
Cause i just can't look it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside
(repeat)
I never
I never
I never
I never
Found this remix of Mr. Brightside by The Killers and it is good. Officially, it's "Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix). Whatever that means.
Lyrics:
Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
Cause i just can't look it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside
(repeat)
I never
I never
I never
I never
Monday, April 18, 2005
Us
Some days, there just isn't enough time...
You can spend the whole week racing to get to a weekend. And then the weekend arrives and you have a great couple of days — really, really great days — and it's just not enough time. And that sucks. At the risk of sounding girlie and co-dependent, it feels like there's never enough time when it comes to my guy. And it doesn't matter what we do. We can run around, chill here, go to lunch or do all of the above, and when it's time for him to go ... it plain sucks. And it's not because I'm feeling needy or I'm afraid I won't see him again. It will sound trite and corny, but life really is better when he's around. Everything is right with my little world. He makes my heart glad.
I'd like to get to the point where we don't have to say goodbye at the end of the night. Yeah, that cohabitation thang. Need to work on getting some money and/or winning the lottery. But yeah. Things are fantabulous because we're us. And that's pretty freakin cool.
You can spend the whole week racing to get to a weekend. And then the weekend arrives and you have a great couple of days — really, really great days — and it's just not enough time. And that sucks. At the risk of sounding girlie and co-dependent, it feels like there's never enough time when it comes to my guy. And it doesn't matter what we do. We can run around, chill here, go to lunch or do all of the above, and when it's time for him to go ... it plain sucks. And it's not because I'm feeling needy or I'm afraid I won't see him again. It will sound trite and corny, but life really is better when he's around. Everything is right with my little world. He makes my heart glad.
I'd like to get to the point where we don't have to say goodbye at the end of the night. Yeah, that cohabitation thang. Need to work on getting some money and/or winning the lottery. But yeah. Things are fantabulous because we're us. And that's pretty freakin cool.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Song ~ 4.13.05
And it's not off "The Downward Spiral."
I liked the feel of this song before I looked up the lyrics. And finding the lyrics made me like it even more.
We're in this Together
Nine Inch Nails
I've become impossible
Holding on to when
When everything seemed to matter more
The two of us
All used and beaten up
Watching fate as it flows down the path we
Have chose
You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well they've got to kill what we found
Well they've got to hate what they fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear
The further I fall I'm beside you
As lost as I get I will find you
The deeper the wound I'm inside you
For ever and ever I am a part of
You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
All that we were is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone, but we have to hold on
When all our hope is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone but we can hold on
You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
Even after everything
You're the queen and I'm the king
Nothing else means anything
I liked the feel of this song before I looked up the lyrics. And finding the lyrics made me like it even more.
We're in this Together
Nine Inch Nails
I've become impossible
Holding on to when
When everything seemed to matter more
The two of us
All used and beaten up
Watching fate as it flows down the path we
Have chose
You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well they've got to kill what we found
Well they've got to hate what they fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear
The further I fall I'm beside you
As lost as I get I will find you
The deeper the wound I'm inside you
For ever and ever I am a part of
You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you
All that we were is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone, but we have to hold on
When all our hope is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone but we can hold on
You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
Even after everything
You're the queen and I'm the king
Nothing else means anything
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
You know...
Yeah, arguing with myself again. But that's not such a bad thing.
Was sitting here playing World of Warcraft (I'm sorry, I meant to say my character was getting eaten by bears... again) and I thought about how I don't deserve to be with someone as good as Scott. Then I stopped myself and realized that I *do* deserve to be with someone who cares about me, who loves me and makes me incredibly happy. And as I'm having that thought, iTunes made an interesting selection.
Since I couldn't decide what I was in the mood for, I picked the "My Top Rated" playlist. "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel came on. And unlike in the past, I let it play through for the first time since June or July. And unlike 10 months ago, the song didn't affect me the same way. It shouldn't. What is there to grieve? The marriage is dead and buried. The divorce decree, much like the marriage certificate, is a piece of paper. Those things have whatever meaning I choose to give them. I choose to put meaning in my relationship with Scott, and a future with him. No need to waste energy on something that's over and done with.
I think the song fit right after everything happened. I wanted to be depressed, wanted to be uncomfortable, wanted to hurt myself (thankfully, that feeling was short-lived). That was the time to grieve. But there's a line near the end of the song: "Did I dream this belief? Or did I believe this dream? Now I will find relief...." As I was putting things behind me, those lines stuck with me, but it was too soon for me to understand why. Deep down I think I knew, but I didn't want to admit I had settled. Trying to figure out how to explain this in a way that will make sense to whoever still reads this thing.
The marriage was like going to the prom: It was something I did that was pretty fun, but it's in the past and all I have to show for it are some pictures and a dress. This is one of those moment-of-clarity deals that doesn't usually happen while I'm gaming. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it makes. I think age and experience play a huge role in my understanding of what I want in a relationship. I don't have to settle, I will not settle. There's no need to label things — what good does it do to say that Scott is my best friend or my soul mate? I know in my heart what he means to me, just like he knows what I mean to him. We don't put things into compartments for the convenience of others. Yes, for clarity's sake, the terms "boyfriend," "girlfriend" and "significant other" have been used. But we're just us. And that is good. I can say that I love him more than anyone, that he makes me happier than I've ever been, but the fact is, what I feel can't be quantified. I don't know the words to describe what I feel. I do the best I can because I want him to know. But again, for clarity's sake, what I feel is what should have been there during my marriage. Yeah, maybe it was there at the beginning, but it didn't grow stronger the longer we were together. It peaked and flattened and slid downhill. That's oversimplified.
I've said before that we connect on so many different levels. And there are some things you just know. But even when you know, it's still nice to get a reminder. And the reminder I got tonight ... I don't want to call it typical because that makes it sound insincere, and it wasn't. It was quite heartfelt. I will say it was vintage Scott and that it was greatly appreciated and I'm still trying to find the words to convey how that makes me feel. No words needed, he said. Heh. As if that's going to stop me from trying to find them. And if that doesn't work, well, I guess I've got plenty of time to show him...
Was sitting here playing World of Warcraft (I'm sorry, I meant to say my character was getting eaten by bears... again) and I thought about how I don't deserve to be with someone as good as Scott. Then I stopped myself and realized that I *do* deserve to be with someone who cares about me, who loves me and makes me incredibly happy. And as I'm having that thought, iTunes made an interesting selection.
Since I couldn't decide what I was in the mood for, I picked the "My Top Rated" playlist. "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel came on. And unlike in the past, I let it play through for the first time since June or July. And unlike 10 months ago, the song didn't affect me the same way. It shouldn't. What is there to grieve? The marriage is dead and buried. The divorce decree, much like the marriage certificate, is a piece of paper. Those things have whatever meaning I choose to give them. I choose to put meaning in my relationship with Scott, and a future with him. No need to waste energy on something that's over and done with.
I think the song fit right after everything happened. I wanted to be depressed, wanted to be uncomfortable, wanted to hurt myself (thankfully, that feeling was short-lived). That was the time to grieve. But there's a line near the end of the song: "Did I dream this belief? Or did I believe this dream? Now I will find relief...." As I was putting things behind me, those lines stuck with me, but it was too soon for me to understand why. Deep down I think I knew, but I didn't want to admit I had settled. Trying to figure out how to explain this in a way that will make sense to whoever still reads this thing.
The marriage was like going to the prom: It was something I did that was pretty fun, but it's in the past and all I have to show for it are some pictures and a dress. This is one of those moment-of-clarity deals that doesn't usually happen while I'm gaming. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it makes. I think age and experience play a huge role in my understanding of what I want in a relationship. I don't have to settle, I will not settle. There's no need to label things — what good does it do to say that Scott is my best friend or my soul mate? I know in my heart what he means to me, just like he knows what I mean to him. We don't put things into compartments for the convenience of others. Yes, for clarity's sake, the terms "boyfriend," "girlfriend" and "significant other" have been used. But we're just us. And that is good. I can say that I love him more than anyone, that he makes me happier than I've ever been, but the fact is, what I feel can't be quantified. I don't know the words to describe what I feel. I do the best I can because I want him to know. But again, for clarity's sake, what I feel is what should have been there during my marriage. Yeah, maybe it was there at the beginning, but it didn't grow stronger the longer we were together. It peaked and flattened and slid downhill. That's oversimplified.
I've said before that we connect on so many different levels. And there are some things you just know. But even when you know, it's still nice to get a reminder. And the reminder I got tonight ... I don't want to call it typical because that makes it sound insincere, and it wasn't. It was quite heartfelt. I will say it was vintage Scott and that it was greatly appreciated and I'm still trying to find the words to convey how that makes me feel. No words needed, he said. Heh. As if that's going to stop me from trying to find them. And if that doesn't work, well, I guess I've got plenty of time to show him...
Angst
Nope, it's not just for teens …
Yup. Still dealing with some baggage, apparently. I'd say about 80 percent of it is stuff I generate — putting expectations on situations and then getting disappointed when things don't happen as discussed. Yeah, shit happens, and I understand that, but don't try and tell me that when I'm "in the moment" and freaking out because I'm being insecure.
The good thing is, it's been addressed and things are fine.
And once again: I was married?
Yup. Still dealing with some baggage, apparently. I'd say about 80 percent of it is stuff I generate — putting expectations on situations and then getting disappointed when things don't happen as discussed. Yeah, shit happens, and I understand that, but don't try and tell me that when I'm "in the moment" and freaking out because I'm being insecure.
The good thing is, it's been addressed and things are fine.
And once again: I was married?
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Song ~ 4.10.05
Figure it out.
No, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Just suits my mood right now.
Hurt
Nine Inch Nails
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
No, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Just suits my mood right now.
Hurt
Nine Inch Nails
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Saturday, April 9, 2005
Another discovery
Found this the other day
The iTunes music store has introduced me to a ton of stuff I don't think I would've listened to otherwise. One of the cool things is that they do celebrity playlists. Some of them are pretty lame, but every so often, there's one that catches my attention. I'm more interested in what has influenced musicians/bands I like. This week, they (finally) had a playlist from Mike Ness. He had The Clash, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, The Ramones and etc. on his playlist. But it was a song by Billy Bragg and Wilco that caught my attention; I played the sample and immediately wanted to know how the rest of the song went, so I bought it. It kicks ass, and I'm probably going to seek out the CD. Turns out the lyrics are by Woody Guthrie and were never recorded, and Mermaid Avenue was the result (came out in '98).
Anyway, when I listened to this song, I immediately thought of a certain musician in my life. It's the kind of song I think would sound really good if he sang it, and I know he could play the guitar part. Here are lyrics. Sorry, no mp3 this time...
Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key
Billy Bragg and Wilco
Lyrics: Woody Guthrie
I lived in a place called Okfuskee
and I had a little girl in a holler tree
I said, little girl, it's plain to see,
ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
She said it's hard for me to see
how one little boy got so ugly
Yes, my little girly, that might be,
But there ain't nobody that can sing like me
Ain't nobody that can sing like me
[chorus:]
Way over yonder in the minor key
Way over yonder in the minor key
there ain't nobody that can sing like me
We walked down by the Buckeye Creek
to see he frog eat the goggle eye bee
To hear that west wind whistle to the east,
there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
Oh my little girly will you let me see,
where over yonder where the wind blows free
Nobody can see in our holler tree
and there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
[chorus]
Her mama cut a switch from a cherry tree
and laid it on to she and me
It stung lots worse than a hive of bees
but there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
Now I have walked a long long ways
and I still look back to my tanglewood days,
I've led lots of girlies since then to stray
saying, ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
[chorus x 2]
ain't nobody that can sing like me
The iTunes music store has introduced me to a ton of stuff I don't think I would've listened to otherwise. One of the cool things is that they do celebrity playlists. Some of them are pretty lame, but every so often, there's one that catches my attention. I'm more interested in what has influenced musicians/bands I like. This week, they (finally) had a playlist from Mike Ness. He had The Clash, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, The Ramones and etc. on his playlist. But it was a song by Billy Bragg and Wilco that caught my attention; I played the sample and immediately wanted to know how the rest of the song went, so I bought it. It kicks ass, and I'm probably going to seek out the CD. Turns out the lyrics are by Woody Guthrie and were never recorded, and Mermaid Avenue was the result (came out in '98).
Anyway, when I listened to this song, I immediately thought of a certain musician in my life. It's the kind of song I think would sound really good if he sang it, and I know he could play the guitar part. Here are lyrics. Sorry, no mp3 this time...
Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key
Billy Bragg and Wilco
Lyrics: Woody Guthrie
I lived in a place called Okfuskee
and I had a little girl in a holler tree
I said, little girl, it's plain to see,
ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
She said it's hard for me to see
how one little boy got so ugly
Yes, my little girly, that might be,
But there ain't nobody that can sing like me
Ain't nobody that can sing like me
[chorus:]
Way over yonder in the minor key
Way over yonder in the minor key
there ain't nobody that can sing like me
We walked down by the Buckeye Creek
to see he frog eat the goggle eye bee
To hear that west wind whistle to the east,
there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
Oh my little girly will you let me see,
where over yonder where the wind blows free
Nobody can see in our holler tree
and there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
[chorus]
Her mama cut a switch from a cherry tree
and laid it on to she and me
It stung lots worse than a hive of bees
but there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
Now I have walked a long long ways
and I still look back to my tanglewood days,
I've led lots of girlies since then to stray
saying, ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me
[chorus x 2]
ain't nobody that can sing like me
Friday, April 8, 2005
Song of the moment
Yup, this is dark. But it sounds pretty damned fantastic.
Nine Inch Nail's "The Downward Spiral" has rocketed into my top 10 all-time favorite albums. I'm still not exactly sure what the other nine are, but when I figure it out, I'll list them in this space.
Anyway, recent events in the world make this song really relevant for me. I'm in another one of my "play loud or go home" moods. Last time, it was more punk. This time, there's a very heavy industrial slant. Some pretty heavy stuff. But it makes for a slightly better commute, and the killing of all things in World of Warcraft is greatly enhanced with NIN and Ministry. Here be lyrics and the song.
Heresy
Nine Inch Nails
he sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see
he tries to tell me what I put inside of me
he's got the answers to ease my curiosity
he dreamed up a god and called it Christianity
your god is dead and no one cares
if there is a hell I will see you there
he flexed his muscles to keep his flock of sheep in line
he made a virus that would kill off all the swine
his perfect kingdom of killing, suffering and pain
demands devotion atrocities done in his name
your god is dead and no one cares
drowning in his own hypocrisy
and if there is a hell I will see you there
burning with your god in humility
will you die for this
[song removed for space concerns]
Nine Inch Nail's "The Downward Spiral" has rocketed into my top 10 all-time favorite albums. I'm still not exactly sure what the other nine are, but when I figure it out, I'll list them in this space.
Anyway, recent events in the world make this song really relevant for me. I'm in another one of my "play loud or go home" moods. Last time, it was more punk. This time, there's a very heavy industrial slant. Some pretty heavy stuff. But it makes for a slightly better commute, and the killing of all things in World of Warcraft is greatly enhanced with NIN and Ministry. Here be lyrics and the song.
Heresy
Nine Inch Nails
he sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see
he tries to tell me what I put inside of me
he's got the answers to ease my curiosity
he dreamed up a god and called it Christianity
your god is dead and no one cares
if there is a hell I will see you there
he flexed his muscles to keep his flock of sheep in line
he made a virus that would kill off all the swine
his perfect kingdom of killing, suffering and pain
demands devotion atrocities done in his name
your god is dead and no one cares
drowning in his own hypocrisy
and if there is a hell I will see you there
burning with your god in humility
will you die for this
[song removed for space concerns]
Saturday, April 2, 2005
Catching up...
Been awhile since I've posted anything anywhere, so might as well do it here.
Work's been busy, but that'll happen. It just means I haven't been able to put my new toy through its paces — bought myself a Nikon D70 with my tax check and have been dying to run around town and take pics. But, my days have been busy... the beginning of the week was pretty nice since I got to spend time with Scott (yay!) and the past two days have been nuts at work because of the pope. Tomorrow (hell, today, really) is my Friday, and I can't wait to have a weekend.
Oh, and I have a not-so-secret admirer at work. He really wants to get a clue here because:
- not my type
- I'd never be that desperate
- I don't think he's even my species
- work relati.. BAD
- did I mention he's not my type?
- hell no... no, no, no
- I'm very, very happily in love
What else... Don't have a fish, as he took the great swim last week. Got another fish and he took the swim as well. I think the chemistry in my tank is screwed. Anyway, alarm is set for 10:30 for some crazy reason so I better hit the rack.
Work's been busy, but that'll happen. It just means I haven't been able to put my new toy through its paces — bought myself a Nikon D70 with my tax check and have been dying to run around town and take pics. But, my days have been busy... the beginning of the week was pretty nice since I got to spend time with Scott (yay!) and the past two days have been nuts at work because of the pope. Tomorrow (hell, today, really) is my Friday, and I can't wait to have a weekend.
Oh, and I have a not-so-secret admirer at work. He really wants to get a clue here because:
- not my type
- I'd never be that desperate
- I don't think he's even my species
- work relati.. BAD
- did I mention he's not my type?
- hell no... no, no, no
- I'm very, very happily in love
What else... Don't have a fish, as he took the great swim last week. Got another fish and he took the swim as well. I think the chemistry in my tank is screwed. Anyway, alarm is set for 10:30 for some crazy reason so I better hit the rack.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Letting go
I'm pretty tired of the baggage I've been dragging around. I'm on the verge of something very wonderful (not to say things haven't been wonderful already) and in order for me to devote the proper attention to that, it's time to let go.
I've got a very wonderful man in my life and it's not fair to him for the ex to still affect me. I'm tired of thinking about the ex and I think I'm to the point where I can — and will — move on. That's not to say I haven't moved on; it's just time to get rid of the residuals and let it die. He's made no effort to be friendly, so I'm not losing out on anything.
So:
- no mentioning the ex unless I'm asked about it
- don't care about what he's doing
- remember he doesn't matter
- he's not a friend any more
- what he does has no bearing on my life
- let it go
- keep moving forward
- remember that I'm definitely better off
This probably won't happen as fast as I'd like it to, but like I said, the time has come. The more I'm able to do these things, the better it will be for all of us. And this isn't about denial or burying what I'm feeling. I've got a second chance here, I've got a guy who is so fabulous and wonderful that thinking about how much I care about him gets me emotional every time. I would do anything for him; there are no conditions, no measuring stick for how much either of us has to give. It just is. We're just us. And it's good.
Very good...
Posted: Mon - March 21, 2005 at 03:45 AM
I've got a very wonderful man in my life and it's not fair to him for the ex to still affect me. I'm tired of thinking about the ex and I think I'm to the point where I can — and will — move on. That's not to say I haven't moved on; it's just time to get rid of the residuals and let it die. He's made no effort to be friendly, so I'm not losing out on anything.
So:
- no mentioning the ex unless I'm asked about it
- don't care about what he's doing
- remember he doesn't matter
- he's not a friend any more
- what he does has no bearing on my life
- let it go
- keep moving forward
- remember that I'm definitely better off
This probably won't happen as fast as I'd like it to, but like I said, the time has come. The more I'm able to do these things, the better it will be for all of us. And this isn't about denial or burying what I'm feeling. I've got a second chance here, I've got a guy who is so fabulous and wonderful that thinking about how much I care about him gets me emotional every time. I would do anything for him; there are no conditions, no measuring stick for how much either of us has to give. It just is. We're just us. And it's good.
Very good...
Posted: Mon - March 21, 2005 at 03:45 AM
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Yeah, it's that time of night ...
Truthfully, I've been in one of those restless, introspective moods all night.
And that might be why I've pretty well sucked at every single video game I've tried to play tonight. Tony Hawk Underground 2. Gran Turismo 4. Ratchet and Clank 3. World of Warcraft. Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories. And now Puyo Pop Fever on the ol' GC. Guess it's tough to focus on something as meaningless as video games with some of the stuff racing through my little brain.
It's March now. Which means it will be June very soon. June will be one year. August has a milestone. So does September. It's safe to say September outweighs June and August at this point because it was the beginning of … well, where I am now.
I don't know what took me back to that night last June. I'm happier than I've ever been, more in love than ever and more certain about what I want out of life and who I want to share it with. I haven't had a reason to look back, so this is a bit odd. Perspective is a good thing; there's no doubt about that. And I've got some pretty big decisions coming up here in the next few months. Nothing bad, really. Just sorta serious and grown up is all. Safe to say all of these things I've been thinking about are life-changing events and if I line them up and look at them that way, it's easy to see why I could be feeling a little overwhelmed. But I'm not sure if that's what this is all about.
I know it's good for me to let go of the anger I felt over the summer. But instead of letting go, I think I've just let the good feelings bury it; it's always there in the background. So maybe I'm at the point where I need to accept it will be there, or let it go completely. I'm not sure I can do either. I am still angry. But I am happier than I've ever been. I don't know that I'd change anything, except maybe to get rid of the feeling that I could change his mind right after he told me. I don't ever want to feel that hopeless and adrift. Certainly wasn't worth entertaining thoughts of hurting myself — especially now that I know what I have to ahead of me.
I want to buy a house. I want a job that can help support us, and I want that job to be enjoyable and rewarding. I want to fall asleep and wake up with Scott next to me for as long as he'll have me. These are relatively simple things that will be coming together soon (I hope, I hope), and by soon, I mean in the next year or two. I guess the restlessness is because I can see the goal; what I want is within reach. I just have to figure out how to make it happen. Or see how events unfold and how this is all supposed to fit together.
So there. I've said it. Almost everything. If you know me, it should be pretty easy to figure out what I'm holding back. I'm not afraid of failing. It's still a timing thing. Confused? The playlist should drop some huge hints.
Posted: Sun - March 20, 2005 at 03:14 AM
And that might be why I've pretty well sucked at every single video game I've tried to play tonight. Tony Hawk Underground 2. Gran Turismo 4. Ratchet and Clank 3. World of Warcraft. Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories. And now Puyo Pop Fever on the ol' GC. Guess it's tough to focus on something as meaningless as video games with some of the stuff racing through my little brain.
It's March now. Which means it will be June very soon. June will be one year. August has a milestone. So does September. It's safe to say September outweighs June and August at this point because it was the beginning of … well, where I am now.
I don't know what took me back to that night last June. I'm happier than I've ever been, more in love than ever and more certain about what I want out of life and who I want to share it with. I haven't had a reason to look back, so this is a bit odd. Perspective is a good thing; there's no doubt about that. And I've got some pretty big decisions coming up here in the next few months. Nothing bad, really. Just sorta serious and grown up is all. Safe to say all of these things I've been thinking about are life-changing events and if I line them up and look at them that way, it's easy to see why I could be feeling a little overwhelmed. But I'm not sure if that's what this is all about.
I know it's good for me to let go of the anger I felt over the summer. But instead of letting go, I think I've just let the good feelings bury it; it's always there in the background. So maybe I'm at the point where I need to accept it will be there, or let it go completely. I'm not sure I can do either. I am still angry. But I am happier than I've ever been. I don't know that I'd change anything, except maybe to get rid of the feeling that I could change his mind right after he told me. I don't ever want to feel that hopeless and adrift. Certainly wasn't worth entertaining thoughts of hurting myself — especially now that I know what I have to ahead of me.
I want to buy a house. I want a job that can help support us, and I want that job to be enjoyable and rewarding. I want to fall asleep and wake up with Scott next to me for as long as he'll have me. These are relatively simple things that will be coming together soon (I hope, I hope), and by soon, I mean in the next year or two. I guess the restlessness is because I can see the goal; what I want is within reach. I just have to figure out how to make it happen. Or see how events unfold and how this is all supposed to fit together.
So there. I've said it. Almost everything. If you know me, it should be pretty easy to figure out what I'm holding back. I'm not afraid of failing. It's still a timing thing. Confused? The playlist should drop some huge hints.
Posted: Sun - March 20, 2005 at 03:14 AM
Sunday, March 13, 2005
sk8!
Yeah, I've got $$$ burning a hole in my pocket. Not *that* much, but enough for me to pick up a board at Newt & Harold's yesterday. Haven't had time to go out and skate yet. Trying to keep things pretty basic in case I end up hating it, or sucking (second part is more likely). I went with a 7.75 blank, Independent trucks (of course) and 54 wheels. We'll see how I do.
Finally have a weekend, which is nice. Today was pretty kick back. Tomorrow, aside from going into the office for a few hours, should be pretty nice. Fix8 is playing at the Bouquet, so if you're in Boise, go check them out. And if you're not, check out their tunes here at myspace. But yeah. I'll be doing that tomorrow night.
Finally have a weekend, which is nice. Today was pretty kick back. Tomorrow, aside from going into the office for a few hours, should be pretty nice. Fix8 is playing at the Bouquet, so if you're in Boise, go check them out. And if you're not, check out their tunes here at myspace. But yeah. I'll be doing that tomorrow night.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Heh
Hmmmm... getting sucked into buying more toys again. Another card game sorta deal, a book on painting miniatures. Did I mention I'm a huge geek? Oh, and I'm very close to getting my new digital camera (come on tax $$$)! So, yeah, that's all pretty cool.
I guess the interesting thing is that I've decided to (finally) learn how to skate. Yes, another way for my old ass to get injured (maybe) but hey, why not? I don't really feel like doing the inline skating thing a whole lot, despite having a really great pair of skates. I guess I like the idea of keeping a skateboard in the car. Or something.
Anyway, it's almost time for my weekend. YAY.
I guess the interesting thing is that I've decided to (finally) learn how to skate. Yes, another way for my old ass to get injured (maybe) but hey, why not? I don't really feel like doing the inline skating thing a whole lot, despite having a really great pair of skates. I guess I like the idea of keeping a skateboard in the car. Or something.
Anyway, it's almost time for my weekend. YAY.
Tuesday, March 8, 2005
Spring
Shorts weather, eight days into March. Makes it tough to want to go to work, and to get out of bed, though I think activities over the weekend have more to do with that than anything else. But yeah. Work. I should go get ready to do that. And find some food. Because food is good. And lack of food is making me ramble.
Anyway, for the sake of updating one of the blogs in my herd, here's an entry. Yay.
Anyway, for the sake of updating one of the blogs in my herd, here's an entry. Yay.
Sunday, March 6, 2005
Song ~ 03.06.05
The new Jack Johnson CD kicks major amounts of butt.
Been listening to this song for a few days now. And especially after today, I have to say this is my song of the moment. Yet another case of these songwriter types saying it better than I ever could.
So yeah. It's like this.
Better Together
There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing but I can try for your heart
And our dreams and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together
We’ll look at the stars when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together
And all of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they’ll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they’ll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I’d be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be we’ll sit beneath the mango tree now
It’s always better when we’re together
We’re somewhere in between together
Well it’s always better when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together
I believe in memories they look so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We’re better together
Thursday, March 3, 2005
Yeah ...
As if I don't have enough of these things scattered around the internet, here's *another* spot for me to bore people with. Oh well. We'll see how much I actually end up posting here.
So yeah. Hi. And stuff.
So yeah. Hi. And stuff.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Oh yeah...
Been meaning to post this for awhile now.
Yup, another band I was introduced to, and another band I'm really digging. This one is more spoken word, but I'm really liking the words.
Stone Sour ~ Omega
What a skeletal wreck of man this is.
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villains
try to tempt the holistic tomes
Running rampant with free thought to free form
in the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat
to sift and focus on the bigger, better, now
We all have a little sin than needs venting
virtues for the rending
and laws and systems
and stems a rift from branches of office
do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose
or purposely serve?
Wind down inside of your atavistic allure
the value of a Summer spent
and a Winter earned
For the rest of us there is always Sunday.
the day of the week that reeks of rest
but all we do is catch our breath
so we can wade naked into the bloody pool
and place our hand on the big black book.
To watch the knives zig-zag between our aching fingers.
A vacation is a count-down
T-minus your life and counting
time to drag your tongue across the sugarcube
and hope you get a taste
what the FUCK is all this for?! (What the hell's goin' on?!)
SHUT UP!!
I could go on and on, but, let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you
and they all watch the things we do
and like a smack of spite
they threw me down the stairs -
haven't felt like this in years -
the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
let me go and
plunge me into the dead spot again.
That's where you go when there's no-one else around
it's just you
and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards
with their thumb on the pulse
and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS! thats a FUCKING secret and you know it!
Government is another way to say
Better
Than
You.
It's like ice but no pick
a murder charge that won't stick
it's like a whole other world
where you can smell the food
but you can't touch the silverware
hah, what luck
fascism you can vote for
isn't that sweet
and we're all gonna die some day
'cuz thats the American way
and I've drunk too much
and said too little
when your gaffer taped in the middle
say a prayer, save face
get yourself together and (see whats happening)
SHUT UP! (FUCK YOU!)
FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but
it's time to move on so...
Remember you're a wreck, an accident
forget the freak, you're just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
shit, snort and blaspheme
Let the heads cool and the engine run
Because in the end,
everything we do
is just everything we've done.
Yup, another band I was introduced to, and another band I'm really digging. This one is more spoken word, but I'm really liking the words.
Stone Sour ~ Omega
What a skeletal wreck of man this is.
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villains
try to tempt the holistic tomes
Running rampant with free thought to free form
in the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat
to sift and focus on the bigger, better, now
We all have a little sin than needs venting
virtues for the rending
and laws and systems
and stems a rift from branches of office
do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose
or purposely serve?
Wind down inside of your atavistic allure
the value of a Summer spent
and a Winter earned
For the rest of us there is always Sunday.
the day of the week that reeks of rest
but all we do is catch our breath
so we can wade naked into the bloody pool
and place our hand on the big black book.
To watch the knives zig-zag between our aching fingers.
A vacation is a count-down
T-minus your life and counting
time to drag your tongue across the sugarcube
and hope you get a taste
what the FUCK is all this for?! (What the hell's goin' on?!)
SHUT UP!!
I could go on and on, but, let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you
and they all watch the things we do
and like a smack of spite
they threw me down the stairs -
haven't felt like this in years -
the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
let me go and
plunge me into the dead spot again.
That's where you go when there's no-one else around
it's just you
and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards
with their thumb on the pulse
and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS! thats a FUCKING secret and you know it!
Government is another way to say
Better
Than
You.
It's like ice but no pick
a murder charge that won't stick
it's like a whole other world
where you can smell the food
but you can't touch the silverware
hah, what luck
fascism you can vote for
isn't that sweet
and we're all gonna die some day
'cuz thats the American way
and I've drunk too much
and said too little
when your gaffer taped in the middle
say a prayer, save face
get yourself together and (see whats happening)
SHUT UP! (FUCK YOU!)
FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but
it's time to move on so...
Remember you're a wreck, an accident
forget the freak, you're just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
shit, snort and blaspheme
Let the heads cool and the engine run
Because in the end,
everything we do
is just everything we've done.
Friday, February 18, 2005
RIP, Max
Poor Max. He was never the same after the move. But he's off frolicking with all of my other pets now — Sam, Lady, Ripley and Zoé. And he finally joined good ol Fido Jaws, another betta.
Wednesday, I went and picked out a new betta. It was white with spots on its face and it had pretty bluish/gray fins. I had him with me at work and noticed he was acting strangely — swimming upside down, laying on his side. Well, after about 4 hours with me, the fish was dead.
I went back to the pet store today to return him, and it turned out that all 25 fish in that shipment were dead when they opened the store today. So it wasn't me. Sad, because the fish was so pretty. But I picked out this one:
He's a big, healthy betta. I couldn't come up with a name I liked, but after mentioning it to Scott, he immediately came up with "Rex." As in "Bettasaurus Rex." And so my fish got a name, just like that. I knew there was a reason why I loved Scott... as if I could stop with just one reason. But yeah. Fish. That's right... this is an entry in the "Pets" portion of this journal. Heh.
Yeah, I'm a bit of a geek for 1) taking pics of a fish and 2) posting those pics online (as if having a blog isn't geeky enough...). But Rex is damned pretty, and needs to be shown off. And I need to start posting here again, so there ya go.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Been awhile
So I've been putting a lot of stuff in the other journal. Frankly, the stuff I've been writing would bore my limited audience, so I figured, why bother? I can bore folks with things that are far less personal.
Been pretty busy with work lately, which is part of why I haven't made the time to post anything here. That, and World of Warcraft. Oh, and the social life, which probably needs to be defined simply as "life" since it's not just the social aspects of the relationship. It's the complete package, it's the feeling you read about and hope will happen to you some day. It doesn't have boundaries or weird expectations. It's incredibly deep and limitless at the same time. It goes beyond anything you thought you could feel toward another person. It's amazing and scary at the same time. It's a roller coaster. And it's great.
I mention all of this because it's what's keeping me sane right now. I need to have something in my life going well, something I can count on to be good. It's my "happy place" for when things take a bad turn. It's neat to have someone who helps you feel centered; now I know what people mean when they say their spouse is their "anchor." I've always been too independent and egotistical to think I needed anyone's help. It's like that trust exercise: Your partner stands behind you and you close your eyes and fall backward, trusting them to be there for you. Being there is good, but there are different reasons why someone could be in that position. I don't necessarily want someone who feels obligated or duty-bound to be there. Be there to catch me because you want to be there; be there because you love me and I'm important to you. Don't do it because you're "supposed to." That's the biggest difference between the ex and my guy. It's superficial vs. genuine; it's material vs. substance. Nice to know perspective is still a scary thing in my world. But I do enjoy figuring these things out.
•••
Another gadget has caught my eye. Partially because it's really cool and partially because I've come to recognize the limitations of my current camera gear. My SLR is 20 years old. My digital camera, while 3.2 megapixels and quite nice, can't do what I want it to do. So I've decided to take the plunge and buy a digital SLR. This will delay the purchase of the Mac mini, but if I get the camera — a Nikon D70 — before the end of March, I can get a $100 rebate. If I buy the kit online, I can get the body, kick-ass lens, bag and 1 GB flash card for what it would cost to buy it locally. Oh, and $10 overnight shipping. So I'll be saving up and should have the new baby here maybe at the beginning of March. And I'm going to register a business name, so that in the event I get some work, I can write off this stuff. We'll see how that goes.
•••
It's just six days after the inauguration, and I'm already tired of people spouting off about the "mandate" and why it's good we're in Iraq. Last time I checked, 3 percent is not a mandate; that's awfully damn close. And don't spout off that shit about how Dubya got the most votes ever. He also had the most votes cast against him of any presidential candidate. He also begins his second term with the lowest approval rating of any president. So cram it.
After looking at all of those damn inauguration pictures (and I will have to admit, our front page kicked the shit out of the "big paper" here), I felt the need to do something, anything in protest. I did my little economic boycott on the 20th, and will be consulting the list at buyblue.org (linked over there on the right) on a regular basis. But I wanted to do something a little more concrete, so I ordered some anti-Bush bracelets online and some pro-blue state bracelets as well. Can't wait to have someone say something to me at work about it. If they're offended, then maybe I'll say I'm offended by people who wear crosses as jewelry since I'm not Christian. We'll see. That would be an interesting chat to be sure …
•••
Current musical fixations: Stone Sour (thanks, Scott!), AFI, Fix8
Caffeinated beverage of choice: Diet Rockstar
Snack food: Flavor blasted Goldfish (Xtra cheddar) and SmartFood (cheddar popcorn)
Coming soon: Defiant Designs + Visual Arts; me with shorter, colored hair (yay!)
Been pretty busy with work lately, which is part of why I haven't made the time to post anything here. That, and World of Warcraft. Oh, and the social life, which probably needs to be defined simply as "life" since it's not just the social aspects of the relationship. It's the complete package, it's the feeling you read about and hope will happen to you some day. It doesn't have boundaries or weird expectations. It's incredibly deep and limitless at the same time. It goes beyond anything you thought you could feel toward another person. It's amazing and scary at the same time. It's a roller coaster. And it's great.
I mention all of this because it's what's keeping me sane right now. I need to have something in my life going well, something I can count on to be good. It's my "happy place" for when things take a bad turn. It's neat to have someone who helps you feel centered; now I know what people mean when they say their spouse is their "anchor." I've always been too independent and egotistical to think I needed anyone's help. It's like that trust exercise: Your partner stands behind you and you close your eyes and fall backward, trusting them to be there for you. Being there is good, but there are different reasons why someone could be in that position. I don't necessarily want someone who feels obligated or duty-bound to be there. Be there to catch me because you want to be there; be there because you love me and I'm important to you. Don't do it because you're "supposed to." That's the biggest difference between the ex and my guy. It's superficial vs. genuine; it's material vs. substance. Nice to know perspective is still a scary thing in my world. But I do enjoy figuring these things out.
Another gadget has caught my eye. Partially because it's really cool and partially because I've come to recognize the limitations of my current camera gear. My SLR is 20 years old. My digital camera, while 3.2 megapixels and quite nice, can't do what I want it to do. So I've decided to take the plunge and buy a digital SLR. This will delay the purchase of the Mac mini, but if I get the camera — a Nikon D70 — before the end of March, I can get a $100 rebate. If I buy the kit online, I can get the body, kick-ass lens, bag and 1 GB flash card for what it would cost to buy it locally. Oh, and $10 overnight shipping. So I'll be saving up and should have the new baby here maybe at the beginning of March. And I'm going to register a business name, so that in the event I get some work, I can write off this stuff. We'll see how that goes.
It's just six days after the inauguration, and I'm already tired of people spouting off about the "mandate" and why it's good we're in Iraq. Last time I checked, 3 percent is not a mandate; that's awfully damn close. And don't spout off that shit about how Dubya got the most votes ever. He also had the most votes cast against him of any presidential candidate. He also begins his second term with the lowest approval rating of any president. So cram it.
After looking at all of those damn inauguration pictures (and I will have to admit, our front page kicked the shit out of the "big paper" here), I felt the need to do something, anything in protest. I did my little economic boycott on the 20th, and will be consulting the list at buyblue.org (linked over there on the right) on a regular basis. But I wanted to do something a little more concrete, so I ordered some anti-Bush bracelets online and some pro-blue state bracelets as well. Can't wait to have someone say something to me at work about it. If they're offended, then maybe I'll say I'm offended by people who wear crosses as jewelry since I'm not Christian. We'll see. That would be an interesting chat to be sure …
Current musical fixations: Stone Sour (thanks, Scott!), AFI, Fix8
Caffeinated beverage of choice: Diet Rockstar
Snack food: Flavor blasted Goldfish (Xtra cheddar) and SmartFood (cheddar popcorn)
Coming soon: Defiant Designs + Visual Arts; me with shorter, colored hair (yay!)
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Captain Asshat rides again
Or, why Jen needs to not give a shit…
Another frightening moment of clarity after 4 a.m.
For those who haven't been keeping score at home: June 18, Capt. Asshat "breaks the news." A few weeks later, he moves in with her. Aug. 6, the divorce is final. Sept 11, Jen goes on a date that's the beginning of greater things to come. Beginning of October, Jen realizes she's in love, and all manner of wonderfulness with her awesome guy ensues. Life is good.
Now then. Sunday night, our sources inform us that the White Trash Princess has been sporting an engagement ring for a few months now. Our initial (and correct response) is to say that he's her problem now. Yet as the night goes on, and more thought is given to my former life and marriage, it becomes clear that this turn of events is a bit troubling. But again, the correct response is, "he's not your problem any more." Even with that in mind, it's astonishing to see how fast the ex is moving with this, and it reeks of desperation. Again, not my problem.
When the ex and I hooked up, it was more than a year before I got a ring. Part of that was because he wanted to get me something nice, and part of it was we weren't in any rush. What's the rush with them? Who knows, and yes, who cares? The moment of clarity was that I refuse to be victimized by his actions again. None of this was my fault; it's all on him. And while I'm happily and passionately in love, there is no rush for us to set dates or (god forbid) buy an engagement ring. I don't need jewelry or a piece of paper to know I'm loved. Marriage is a commitment; it's not disposable. It's not a deal where if you get bored, you run off and find someone new, or hook up with the flavor of the week behind your spouse's back. And there is so much more to love than the way things feel in the beginning. That "spark" that the Asshat said was missing … that's not true love. That brings you together, but it does not, and cannot, sustain the relationship. True love takes time, and it takes work. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.
I mention this because I realize the relationship I have with my guy is bigger than both of us; there are no labels, no unrealistic expectations. It. Just. Is. It's a one-day-at-a-time deal. We know we want to be together, we know what we mean to each other and we're being cautious. I guess it comes down to wanting to err on the side of caution rather than doing it out of desperation because you're afraid that feeling will go away, or the other person will change their mind … I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he. I think this level of comfort in a relationship comes down to trust and honesty, something that was lacking near the end of my marriage. And yes, I am happier now than I ever was with the ex — even during the good times. We connect in a completely different way, on so many levels.
But yeah. I need to not give a shit because he's her problem, not mine. Besides, I have a lot more good living left to do. And that really is the best revenge.
Another frightening moment of clarity after 4 a.m.
For those who haven't been keeping score at home: June 18, Capt. Asshat "breaks the news." A few weeks later, he moves in with her. Aug. 6, the divorce is final. Sept 11, Jen goes on a date that's the beginning of greater things to come. Beginning of October, Jen realizes she's in love, and all manner of wonderfulness with her awesome guy ensues. Life is good.
Now then. Sunday night, our sources inform us that the White Trash Princess has been sporting an engagement ring for a few months now. Our initial (and correct response) is to say that he's her problem now. Yet as the night goes on, and more thought is given to my former life and marriage, it becomes clear that this turn of events is a bit troubling. But again, the correct response is, "he's not your problem any more." Even with that in mind, it's astonishing to see how fast the ex is moving with this, and it reeks of desperation. Again, not my problem.
When the ex and I hooked up, it was more than a year before I got a ring. Part of that was because he wanted to get me something nice, and part of it was we weren't in any rush. What's the rush with them? Who knows, and yes, who cares? The moment of clarity was that I refuse to be victimized by his actions again. None of this was my fault; it's all on him. And while I'm happily and passionately in love, there is no rush for us to set dates or (god forbid) buy an engagement ring. I don't need jewelry or a piece of paper to know I'm loved. Marriage is a commitment; it's not disposable. It's not a deal where if you get bored, you run off and find someone new, or hook up with the flavor of the week behind your spouse's back. And there is so much more to love than the way things feel in the beginning. That "spark" that the Asshat said was missing … that's not true love. That brings you together, but it does not, and cannot, sustain the relationship. True love takes time, and it takes work. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.
I mention this because I realize the relationship I have with my guy is bigger than both of us; there are no labels, no unrealistic expectations. It. Just. Is. It's a one-day-at-a-time deal. We know we want to be together, we know what we mean to each other and we're being cautious. I guess it comes down to wanting to err on the side of caution rather than doing it out of desperation because you're afraid that feeling will go away, or the other person will change their mind … I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he. I think this level of comfort in a relationship comes down to trust and honesty, something that was lacking near the end of my marriage. And yes, I am happier now than I ever was with the ex — even during the good times. We connect in a completely different way, on so many levels.
But yeah. I need to not give a shit because he's her problem, not mine. Besides, I have a lot more good living left to do. And that really is the best revenge.
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
Song ~ 01.05.05
Anger never sounded so pretty.
This is just one of those songs that's fun to listen to over and over. It's Evanescence covering Korn (weird, but it really does work) off the "Anywhere but home" concert CD/DVD. Picked this up Monday and haven't been able to stop playing it.
Thoughtless ~ Evanescence
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming
Going through the pages of my fantasies
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny? What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying when you're bloody down in front of me
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming
Come and fill the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling at you, drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me
And I'll pull the trigger And you're down, down, down
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think you're doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me.
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me.
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming
All my friends are gone,
they died (gonna take you down)
They all screamed, and cried (gonna take you down)
Never gonna forget, never forget, how we hate the world [x4]
(Gonna take you down)
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think you're doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me.
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me.
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming
This is just one of those songs that's fun to listen to over and over. It's Evanescence covering Korn (weird, but it really does work) off the "Anywhere but home" concert CD/DVD. Picked this up Monday and haven't been able to stop playing it.
Thoughtless ~ Evanescence
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming
Going through the pages of my fantasies
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny? What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying when you're bloody down in front of me
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming
Come and fill the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling at you, drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me
And I'll pull the trigger And you're down, down, down
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think you're doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me.
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me.
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming
All my friends are gone,
they died (gonna take you down)
They all screamed, and cried (gonna take you down)
Never gonna forget, never forget, how we hate the world [x4]
(Gonna take you down)
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think you're doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me.
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me.
All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming
Sunday, January 2, 2005
Song ~ Jan. 2, 2005
OK, seeing "2005" is a lot scarier than I thought it would be …
Yet another find on iTMS. A theme for the new year? I'll buy into that more than any resolution I might come up with and later break.
But yeah. Another year. And another year in Idaho, which isn't really good or bad, I guess; it is what it is. And it is a fresh 365 days. That doesn't mean there aren't lingering issues from 2004; to a certain extent, some of that stuff will be there, hell, until whenever. The thing a new year does is put distance behind that stuff. Yes, there are two dates that will have negative connotations connected to them for awhile. At the same time, I've got a few new dates that make me smile now. So it does even out. And it is all about balance and moderation. Balance is a big thing, but I'm getting there. Anyway, too early in the day to be this introspective. Here be lyrics.
Anything Can Happen ~ The Finn Brothers
Day
Has begun
And I stumble
To the front
There's no
Real control
Of a random
Event
And I will take my chances
'Cos anything can happen
I don't believe it's over
'Cos anything can happen
I could never
Give it up
I could never relent
And I can't
Wait to see
What will happen
To me next
I will take my chances
'Cos anything can happen
I don't believe it's over
'Cos anything can happen
It doesn't matter
What we did wrong
Makes no difference
To me
I see the light in your eyes
And you're dancing free
And I'm coming down today
To gather in the pieces
Give in to the mystery
And I will take my chances
'Cos anything can happen
Don't believe it's over
'Cos anything can happen
One day, I
Someday, I
Anything can happen
Yeah, anything can happen
I will make it shine
I will make it rain sometime
Yet another find on iTMS. A theme for the new year? I'll buy into that more than any resolution I might come up with and later break.
But yeah. Another year. And another year in Idaho, which isn't really good or bad, I guess; it is what it is. And it is a fresh 365 days. That doesn't mean there aren't lingering issues from 2004; to a certain extent, some of that stuff will be there, hell, until whenever. The thing a new year does is put distance behind that stuff. Yes, there are two dates that will have negative connotations connected to them for awhile. At the same time, I've got a few new dates that make me smile now. So it does even out. And it is all about balance and moderation. Balance is a big thing, but I'm getting there. Anyway, too early in the day to be this introspective. Here be lyrics.
Anything Can Happen ~ The Finn Brothers
Day
Has begun
And I stumble
To the front
There's no
Real control
Of a random
Event
And I will take my chances
'Cos anything can happen
I don't believe it's over
'Cos anything can happen
I could never
Give it up
I could never relent
And I can't
Wait to see
What will happen
To me next
I will take my chances
'Cos anything can happen
I don't believe it's over
'Cos anything can happen
It doesn't matter
What we did wrong
Makes no difference
To me
I see the light in your eyes
And you're dancing free
And I'm coming down today
To gather in the pieces
Give in to the mystery
And I will take my chances
'Cos anything can happen
Don't believe it's over
'Cos anything can happen
One day, I
Someday, I
Anything can happen
Yeah, anything can happen
I will make it shine
I will make it rain sometime
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