Captain Asshat rides again

Or, why Jen needs to not give a shit…

Another frightening moment of clarity after 4 a.m.

For those who haven't been keeping score at home: June 18, Capt. Asshat "breaks the news." A few weeks later, he moves in with her. Aug. 6, the divorce is final. Sept 11, Jen goes on a date that's the beginning of greater things to come. Beginning of October, Jen realizes she's in love, and all manner of wonderfulness with her awesome guy ensues. Life is good.

Now then. Sunday night, our sources inform us that the White Trash Princess has been sporting an engagement ring for a few months now. Our initial (and correct response) is to say that he's her problem now. Yet as the night goes on, and more thought is given to my former life and marriage, it becomes clear that this turn of events is a bit troubling. But again, the correct response is, "he's not your problem any more." Even with that in mind, it's astonishing to see how fast the ex is moving with this, and it reeks of desperation. Again, not my problem.

When the ex and I hooked up, it was more than a year before I got a ring. Part of that was because he wanted to get me something nice, and part of it was we weren't in any rush. What's the rush with them? Who knows, and yes, who cares? The moment of clarity was that I refuse to be victimized by his actions again. None of this was my fault; it's all on him. And while I'm happily and passionately in love, there is no rush for us to set dates or (god forbid) buy an engagement ring. I don't need jewelry or a piece of paper to know I'm loved. Marriage is a commitment; it's not disposable. It's not a deal where if you get bored, you run off and find someone new, or hook up with the flavor of the week behind your spouse's back. And there is so much more to love than the way things feel in the beginning. That "spark" that the Asshat said was missing … that's not true love. That brings you together, but it does not, and cannot, sustain the relationship. True love takes time, and it takes work. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

I mention this because I realize the relationship I have with my guy is bigger than both of us; there are no labels, no unrealistic expectations. It. Just. Is. It's a one-day-at-a-time deal. We know we want to be together, we know what we mean to each other and we're being cautious. I guess it comes down to wanting to err on the side of caution rather than doing it out of desperation because you're afraid that feeling will go away, or the other person will change their mind … I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he. I think this level of comfort in a relationship comes down to trust and honesty, something that was lacking near the end of my marriage. And yes, I am happier now than I ever was with the ex — even during the good times. We connect in a completely different way, on so many levels.

But yeah. I need to not give a shit because he's her problem, not mine. Besides, I have a lot more good living left to do. And that really is the best revenge.