Yeah, it's that time of night ...

Truthfully, I've been in one of those restless, introspective moods all night.

And that might be why I've pretty well sucked at every single video game I've tried to play tonight. Tony Hawk Underground 2. Gran Turismo 4. Ratchet and Clank 3. World of Warcraft. Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories. And now Puyo Pop Fever on the ol' GC. Guess it's tough to focus on something as meaningless as video games with some of the stuff racing through my little brain.

It's March now. Which means it will be June very soon. June will be one year. August has a milestone. So does September. It's safe to say September outweighs June and August at this point because it was the beginning of … well, where I am now.

I don't know what took me back to that night last June. I'm happier than I've ever been, more in love than ever and more certain about what I want out of life and who I want to share it with. I haven't had a reason to look back, so this is a bit odd. Perspective is a good thing; there's no doubt about that. And I've got some pretty big decisions coming up here in the next few months. Nothing bad, really. Just sorta serious and grown up is all. Safe to say all of these things I've been thinking about are life-changing events and if I line them up and look at them that way, it's easy to see why I could be feeling a little overwhelmed. But I'm not sure if that's what this is all about.

I know it's good for me to let go of the anger I felt over the summer. But instead of letting go, I think I've just let the good feelings bury it; it's always there in the background. So maybe I'm at the point where I need to accept it will be there, or let it go completely. I'm not sure I can do either. I am still angry. But I am happier than I've ever been. I don't know that I'd change anything, except maybe to get rid of the feeling that I could change his mind right after he told me. I don't ever want to feel that hopeless and adrift. Certainly wasn't worth entertaining thoughts of hurting myself — especially now that I know what I have to ahead of me.

I want to buy a house. I want a job that can help support us, and I want that job to be enjoyable and rewarding. I want to fall asleep and wake up with Scott next to me for as long as he'll have me. These are relatively simple things that will be coming together soon (I hope, I hope), and by soon, I mean in the next year or two. I guess the restlessness is because I can see the goal; what I want is within reach. I just have to figure out how to make it happen. Or see how events unfold and how this is all supposed to fit together.

So there. I've said it. Almost everything. If you know me, it should be pretty easy to figure out what I'm holding back. I'm not afraid of failing. It's still a timing thing. Confused? The playlist should drop some huge hints.

Posted: Sun - March 20, 2005 at 03:14 AM