You know...

Yeah, arguing with myself again. But that's not such a bad thing.

Was sitting here playing World of Warcraft (I'm sorry, I meant to say my character was getting eaten by bears... again) and I thought about how I don't deserve to be with someone as good as Scott. Then I stopped myself and realized that I *do* deserve to be with someone who cares about me, who loves me and makes me incredibly happy. And as I'm having that thought, iTunes made an interesting selection.

Since I couldn't decide what I was in the mood for, I picked the "My Top Rated" playlist. "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel came on. And unlike in the past, I let it play through for the first time since June or July. And unlike 10 months ago, the song didn't affect me the same way. It shouldn't. What is there to grieve? The marriage is dead and buried. The divorce decree, much like the marriage certificate, is a piece of paper. Those things have whatever meaning I choose to give them. I choose to put meaning in my relationship with Scott, and a future with him. No need to waste energy on something that's over and done with.

I think the song fit right after everything happened. I wanted to be depressed, wanted to be uncomfortable, wanted to hurt myself (thankfully, that feeling was short-lived). That was the time to grieve. But there's a line near the end of the song: "Did I dream this belief? Or did I believe this dream? Now I will find relief...." As I was putting things behind me, those lines stuck with me, but it was too soon for me to understand why. Deep down I think I knew, but I didn't want to admit I had settled. Trying to figure out how to explain this in a way that will make sense to whoever still reads this thing.

The marriage was like going to the prom: It was something I did that was pretty fun, but it's in the past and all I have to show for it are some pictures and a dress. This is one of those moment-of-clarity deals that doesn't usually happen while I'm gaming. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it makes. I think age and experience play a huge role in my understanding of what I want in a relationship. I don't have to settle, I will not settle. There's no need to label things — what good does it do to say that Scott is my best friend or my soul mate? I know in my heart what he means to me, just like he knows what I mean to him. We don't put things into compartments for the convenience of others. Yes, for clarity's sake, the terms "boyfriend," "girlfriend" and "significant other" have been used. But we're just us. And that is good. I can say that I love him more than anyone, that he makes me happier than I've ever been, but the fact is, what I feel can't be quantified. I don't know the words to describe what I feel. I do the best I can because I want him to know. But again, for clarity's sake, what I feel is what should have been there during my marriage. Yeah, maybe it was there at the beginning, but it didn't grow stronger the longer we were together. It peaked and flattened and slid downhill. That's oversimplified.

I've said before that we connect on so many different levels. And there are some things you just know. But even when you know, it's still nice to get a reminder. And the reminder I got tonight ... I don't want to call it typical because that makes it sound insincere, and it wasn't. It was quite heartfelt. I will say it was vintage Scott and that it was greatly appreciated and I'm still trying to find the words to convey how that makes me feel. No words needed, he said. Heh. As if that's going to stop me from trying to find them. And if that doesn't work, well, I guess I've got plenty of time to show him...