Balance

Or, haven't we been down this road before?

I don't consider myself an overly emotional person. Cynical, bitter, angry, passionate (or dispassionate, depending on the situation) or any number of other adjectives, sure. I do what I can to keep my emotions in check. I prefer to be in control of them, and not the other way around. Recently, I've allowed stuff to surface that in the past would have stayed buried. I've been told it's a strength, not a weakness. I agree with this assessment/observation. It's just a bit of a change for me to let this stuff make an appearance in front of the person who is the source of it.

One of the last entries was about there not being enough time with my guy. This is the case once again. Spent a lot of time together Friday, spent all of Saturday and today together, and it was absolutely wonderful. I know there will be more days like these. But that doesn't make goodbyes any less ... depressing? Gut-wrenching? I don't really know the right word for this. I know there's a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat when it happens these days. And I know we'll see each other again, probably tomorrow some time. And to someone who's never felt this type of connection with another person, well, they clearly won't get it. I didn't get "it" until I realized I was in love with Scott and realized he felt the same way about me.

And before you go jumping to conclusions — knowing full well that my mind is in the gutter 95 percent of the time — this is about companionship, not sex. There are enough personal things I make public here; private life can stay private. I will say I've never been with anyone who makes me feel this way. It's amazing and wonderful and scary at the same time. Scary because I've never shared this much of myself with anyone before. I was still guarded with my emotions when I was married. Oddly, it took getting divorced for me to open up. I'm not even sure how much more to say about this, or where I'm headed with it.

I guess that even though there is a bit of sadness and longing going on right now, this weekend did help me find equilibrium. I know what's important in my life, I know where/how things rank. The past three days reminded me what I need to focus on when I start to get dragged down into the abyss. But despite all that, goodbyes still suck.