Five days and counting ...

Hard to believe another year is just about done. If I do this properly, I could have material for the next few days. Not likely to happen, given my growing addiction to World of Warcraft …

In July, I will have lived in Idaho for five years. Five. Years. I never expected to stay here that long. And yet I don't have any compelling reason move. I think that might be why a lot of people stay here who have moved from other places. No, it's not the perfect place to live, but it's not horrible. It's tolerable. Yes, I miss the Bay Area. But the money goes relatively far here, and with the love life, I have no reason to want to move. I've said before that my life isn't perfect, but it is mine, and I'm OK with that. My life is better than it has any right to be. Well …

What I mean by that is I've recovered from this stuff pretty well. I'm surprised at how far I've come in six months. I have a job, I have an affordable place to live, I'm in love (dead horse, but dammit, I've never been happier) and I could get a promotion at work. I'm healthier, having lost a lot of weight with the divorce (heh … someone pointed out I lost about 170 pounds by getting rid of the ex). I'm not going to lie and say that every moment has been perfect. I still have those dark moments, those bouts with self-pity and doubt, the fear of rejection. That's not stuff I expect is going to disappear right away. But as time passes, I'm able to feel more confident, more certain about what my future could hold. I know I've found a guy I want to be with until he gets sick of me. And no, I'm still not going to put a label on that, as tempting as that might be for some people. It's like I told mom the other day: When you know, you just know. And you go with it.

I think that may be a theme for me in 2005. I don't make resolutions; if you're going to do something, you should do it because you want to, or it's something you should be doing anyway. January 1 doesn't wipe the slate clean. A new year doesn't mean none of the issues that dogged the previous year won't still be there. But it is a fresh 365. And since we are creatures of habit and creatures of time, I guess starting with a fresh calendar makes a difference. From a mental-health stand point, yes, I want June/July 2004 to be nuked. Everything from about August through the end of the year is what's going to be memorable to me. And I'm not going to drop the divorce thing, even though I should. I'm just going to look at it in a different light.

For now, 2004 is going to be the year that getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me, when I fell in love and was happier than I ever thought possible. It's the year I got back into the work I know I was meant to do (such as it is) and realized that you can be passionate about your work and still leave it at the office. It's the year I rediscovered myself and got my priorities in order.

That's a helluva spin job, I know. But I want the glass to be half full. I want to be optimistic. I don't want to be bitter, can't be bitter all the time. Cynical is one thing. I'd like to keep the destructive stuff to a minimum (hide all sharp objects then...)

I don't know where I'm going with this, and I'm sober. Guess I'll have to write more at a later date.

Song ~ Dec. 26

Hey look! It's Lyle Lovett...

There are 842 songs on the "My Top Rated" playlist in iTunes. That translates into 2.3 days and 3.25 gigs. Scary, I know. Anyway, the first song that came up in this rotation was "Pride (In the name of love)" and then this one by Lyle. After hearing the song, yeah, it could've made its way onto the playlist, but that list wasn't all-inclusive. A list like that would take a pretty long time for me to put together. And I'm obsessive enough about this stuff as it is … Anyway.

Nobody Knows Me ~ Lyle Lovett
And I like cream in my coffee
And I like to sleep late on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby
And I like eggs over easy
With flour tortillas
And nobody knows me like my baby

And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby

But it was a dream made to order
South of the border
And nobody knows me like my baby
And she cried man how could you do it
And I swore that there weren't nothing to it
But nobody knows me like my baby

And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby

And I like cream in my coffee
And I hate to be alone on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby

The playlist

It's finally done, and yeah, it does scare me a little. Several entries aided by alcohol. But we won't go into that …

It's not necessarily the "mother of all playlists," but it does seem to do a fairly good job of describing my feelings. I feel sorta chickenshit for doing things this way instead of coming up with my own words, but it does go back to the fact that a lot of people have felt what I'm feeling and they've done a better job of describing it. I guess I don't trust myself to explain my feelings without screwing it up some how. Then there's the fear of fucking up a really good thing, which is something I don't think I'm in danger of doing, but you never know. Fear of failure didn't play a big role in my "other" life, but it looms a little larger these days. Fear of rejection, well, I've covered that before and it's a very real fear because I don't know if I could handle it again. I'm sure I'd find a way to cope, but I don't know that I'd be able to bounce back as quickly.

So, at the risk of sharing too much (as I'm prone to doing), here are the songs and why I picked them.

The Scientist ~ Coldplay
Yet another Coldplay song I ignored until recently. It's not quite as catchy as "Clocks," but it's simple and melodic. These are the lyrics that did it for me:

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

In Your Eyes ~ Peter Gabriel
This was a tough choice. This had been "our song" when I was with the ex. I couldn't listen to it for a long time. But it's not about him any more; it's about me and my feelings toward the special guy in my life. I guess I thought it was neat the ex said that this song described how he felt about me when we got together. I always liked the song, so I thought, "OK, that's cool." I understood the lyrics, but I never really felt kind of connection I should have. Until recently. Be afraid.

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

One Thing ~ Finger Eleven
Scott turned me onto this song, and it's a good one. I appreciated the song even more after I read what singer Scott Anderson had to say on the band's web site: "It’s never cool to regret the things you didn’t do, right? I wrote myself a note in the form of a song to tell myself just that. If you’d like to become less of a coward than you already are, try this one." Life is too short not to take chances. Everyday, I'm thankful I took the chance to say three little, but important, words.

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

More ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
I've included his stuff on another playlist; I used "What Makes You" — a duet he did with Norah Jones. Another guy with a neat voice. Simple lyrics, but the song serves as a reminder to me that some times you just have to let go and see what happens.

Don’t cry
I’ll wait
Patient
While we
Pass through
Something
More than you
More than me
Larger than memory
So let go
You must know
One thing
It’s more than you
More than me
Larger than memory

Bring Me To Life ~ Evanescence
One of my favorite songs by these guys. It's powerful musically and lyrically, which is a bonus. One of the most amazing things about our relationship is that I'm feeling things I didn't think I'd feel again for a very, very long time, and the intensity of those feelings. The majority of the lyrics seem to fit. Was I living a lie when I was married? I don't know if I wan to make that leap, but something wasn't right. Still, this song (to me at least) is more about finding myself — with the help of someone very special to show the way.

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside!)
Bring me to life

Collide (Live At State Theater) ~ Howie Day
Yes, I've used this song on other playlists before. And the song isn't exactly 100 percent accurate. I do like the message, and I love Howie's voice. It might be one of those deals where I'm the "you" in this song. Full lyrics for explanation.

(Verse 1)
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
Your barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

do do do do x 4

(Verse 2)
I'm open, your closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

(Chorus 1)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

do do do do x 4

(Verse 3)
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

(Chorus 2)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I Somehow find
You and I collide

(Bridge)
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

do do do do x 8

(Chorus 3)
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

do do do do x2

You finally find
You and I collide

do do do do x 2

You finally find that
You and I collide

do do do do x 2

Hope for Me Yet ~ Marc Broussard
I've mentioned this song before, but it's a really good song. There are many times where I feel like I don't deserve to be this happy, that I don't deserve to be with a guy as great as Scott. But if there's one thing I've gained in the past three months, it's the knowledge that I am capable of loving and being loved. I honestly feel that being loved by him makes me a better person. I know life is better with him in it; I really do feel a sense of hope, something I almost gave up on thanks to what the ex did. Anyway, this is a great song and it's one I hold fairly dear to my heart.

I could bless the water
But it wouldn't turn to wine
Paint a picture of the sunset
Hanging there in your eyes
But it'd just be some compromise

I could write a million verses
Every word you've heard before
Steal some of Dylan's best
But it'd leave me wanting to say more
Cause there's so much more

Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet

Sometimes when I look back
I don't even know myself
It blows my mind to think that I've found grace in someone else
Baby your grace is something else

Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet

For a man who's done nothing
I've been blessed with so much more than I deserve
I'm smart enough to know that I've been handed something
Can't put a price on what it's worth

Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
Hope for me yet

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
"Armageddon" was a fairly hokey movie, but I always had a soft spot for this song. I think out of all the songs on this playlist, this is the one that sums up my feelings the best. I'm grateful for every minute I can spend with Scott, and I miss him terribly when we're apart. I don't want to miss anything with him, especially with how strong my feelings are. Full lyrics are in a previous entry, but the chorus rings true:

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Maybe I'm Amazed ~ Jem
I just discovered this version of a fabulous Beatles song. Thank god this is a happier song than the Beatles stuff I've included in the past. This is off the second O.C. soundtrack. It's a show I've never watched, but they do pick cool music. It's a sparse arrangement, and I think because of that, the vocals really hit me. Jem has made appearances on other playlists as well, and I do dig her voice. Not quite as soulful as McCartney, and I do miss the the way the Beatles play this song. But it's not a bad cover. At its core, this is a song about vulnerability. I'm certainly vulnerable, and I am scared shitless about what I feel at times. It's not a bad thing, but we haven't been together all that long. Then again, when you know, you know. Anyway. This one does hit really close to home. Maybe I'm sharing too much, I don't know. I can't change the way I feel.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I need you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Love Song ~ Pink
Included this on the original "breakup" playlist with the hope that maybe someday, it would apply. For someone who doesn't take herself too seriously, this is a great song from Pink. I think I might know the answers to these questions, but I hate assuming. Another song about being vulnerable.

I've never written a love song
That didn't end in tears.

Maybe you'll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears.

I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more.

When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?

There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself.

There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect.

But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?

I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars.

Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?

I need to hear that you'll die for me
Again and again and again.

So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times.

'Cause I will love you for the rest of my life.

This is my very first love song
That didn't end in tears.

I think you re-wrote my love song
for the rest of my years.

I will love you for the rest of my life.

Meaning (Stripped Version) ~ Gavin DeGraw
Good ol Gavin DeGraw. This might be my favorite song of the year. And it's another one I hoped would fit someday, and thankfully, I've found someone I can dedicate this song to. It's another song about hope and optimism, two things I need a lot of these days. This time around, love has been good to me. Sometimes the only way is jumping | I hope you're not afraid of heights

Yeah, we both jumped on this one. Falling isn't the bad part, it's the sudden stop, someone said. And he's right.

Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountin' the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

Up And Away ~ Dave Matthews
Another favorite of mine, and another song about appreciating the little things in life. I can say in all honesty that being with Scott makes my world a better place. If things get shitty at work, I just think about him and it's all good. He was definitely one of the first people I thought of when it became clear I would be single.

Everyday, everyday with you
Every little thing you do the way you do
Little darlin' in your eyes
Got me all up and away
You get me high

I saw you there, since then everyday
It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in every way
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high

Like I'm gone, ooo
Oh, up and away
You take me baby
Oh, you take me baby

And then you walk the way you walk
You blow my mind to know the way you walk in my way
Then I fall into your eyes
Up, up and away the way you rise
Oh, baby
The way you make me high

Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just the game I play
All up and away
Oh, all up and away
You take me baby

Up for you, I'd give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up, up and away you go
All up and away
Oh, you take me baby
Yeah
Mmmmm baby
Awwww baby

When I Look To The Sky ~ Train
Yes, it's sappy. Yes, it's pop. But I dig these guys, and this is a neat song. I'm entitled to be girlie now and again. Another song that rings true. Maybe I have done something right with this playlist …

When it rains it pours and opens doors
that flood the floors we thought would always
keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn’t say
that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor
we didn’t have before
Every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away

While I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I'm up or down or in or out
or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything
that life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by

When I feel like there is no one
that will ever know me
there you are to show me

When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

Why Don't You and I (featuring Alex Band) ~ Santana
Yeah, I've used this one before. Included it because it comes pretty close to summarizing my feelings the first time I said "I love you." I had butterflies, I was nervous, I was scared that I would fuck up a good thing. What a relief that I wasn't the only one who felt all that. We are standing on the edge of a cliff, running along razor's edge. And like I said before, I am scared shitless about what I feel. But that still goes back to my fear of failure, my fear of rejection. Anyway, it's a damned happy song. And Santana rules.

Miracle Drug ~ U2
Quoted this one before, but it's a great song. One of the more underrated tunes on U2's latest. What's my miracle drug? What would I give up romantic love for? I guess if you don't know the answer to that, you haven't been reading enough. Yeah, I know it's scary.

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

Baby, You're Right (Feat. Susan Tedeschi) ~ Derek Trucks Band
No lyrics for this one, dammit. But it's a good song, and it earned its place on this list. Trust me.

Feelin' Love ~ Paula Cole
Such a sensual, sexy, raunchy song. Yet Paula Cole makes it sound so pretty. And at the risk of sharing too much, it's oh so true.

Love, love

You make me feel like a sticky pistil...
leaning into a stamen
You make me feel like a mister sunshine...
Himself
You make me feel like splendor in the grass...
While we're rollin'
DAMN SKIPPY BABY
You make me feel like the Amazon's runnin' between...
my thighs

CHORUS:

You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love, love
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love

You make me feel like a candy apple
All red and horny
You make me feel like I wanna be a dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door
And I would open the door and...
I'd be all wet
With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt...
That I'm wearing
And you would open the door and tie...
Me up to the bed

Chorus:
Lover, but I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White? Am I Isis? Ohhh...
Lover, I'm laced with your unconscious
Oh baby babe babe baby
I will be your Desdemona ahhhhh...

Take your time

You make me feel Ahaa
You make me feel WooWoo baby
You make me feel Ahaa mmm
You make me feel loved

So yeah, there you have it. If there was any doubt that I was in love, this list should settle that question. And yes, this is all stuff I would say in person if I wasn't such a chickenshit afraid of fucking up things. Anyway, I think I need some sleep. I'm going to have a wicked hangover in a few hours …

Six months down...

I've wrestled with what to write about "the bomb" — that is to say, the day that Tom said he didn't want to be married to me any more. After reading a journal entry I've only shared with one other person, I figured now is as good a time as any to throw it out here for whoever (as if there's an audience) to see. I don't really care who reads it; I'm far away enough from that dark place where it's not scary or shocking for me to read what I wrote that night. Like I warned you, this shit isn't pretty. But it's honest, and it's me. And I'm not sorry for writing it.

June 19, 2004 3:16:44 AM
you aren't sure if this is the worst day. you're still numb, not sure how to process the information. you keep hoping you'll wake up, that it's a mistake, a cruel joke. you say that all great writers have some sort of traumatic experience, that it'll make a good book. if you're lucky, and smart, you'll write your novel.

you avoid mirrors because you don't want to see the hurt you feel. you close your eyes when you write because you don't want to read the words. you can't rationalize any of it. you're in denial, angry, hurt, numb all at the same time. you want a physical scar to go with your emotional ones. but you decide to channel this hurt, this emotion and write it down instead. this kind of energy and emotion doesn't come along everyday.

it wasn't supposed to be like this, you never saw it coming. you can't think of anything you would've done differently, and know deep down there's nothing you could've done.

you want to fight because it's worth fighting for. you'll miss waiting for the phone calls, waking up together. you love the feeling of hope that the car driving by will pull into the driveway, and how that means he's coming home to you. for right now, this is what hurts the most. it doesn't make sense, there should be bigger things but soon enough, the small things will add up to bigger things.

it's hard to type through tears, but you do it because you don't want to forget. anything worth having is worth going through this kind of pain. it's the only rationalization that makes sense for now.

you had other thoughts while sitting on the couch in the dark, but you can't latch onto any of them. there's too much churning, too much to try and remember.

and as you get ready to end this first installment, the introduction to whatever this will bring, you know that this is the worst day. because the other days haven't been written.
June 19, 2004 3:33:59 AM

Yeah, I wanted to inflict physical pain upon myself for about 48-72 hours after he told me. I know now that he wasn't worth the effort, that I'm better off. But do you really think I would've believed I'd be better off if you shoved a crystal ball in my face and showed me how happy I am today? I didn't want to see it, didn't want to believe it. This was my husband, you know, "till death do you part" and all that holly, jolly shit. Marriage is a commitment to me, not some promise you throw away because someone else catches your eye. But I digress.

Here's an e-mail I sent him the next morning. I was a fucking wreck, as if you couldn't tell by the writing. I included a bunch of e-mails he sent me when we first got together as a way to remind him of how he felt. I didn't include those since, well, whatever.

From: me@mac.com
Subject: once upon a time
Date: June 19, 2004 11:54:41 AM MDT
To: him@mac.com

yes of course i saved these. read every single word, especially the ones you wrote to me. my dumbass comments aren't the important ones.

am i being a little bit psycho about his? probably. i don't mean to be. i don't know how else to deal with it. crying isn't doing a whole lot for me any more. writing in my journal has accomplished little except more tears. and it's difficult to know if you're writing the right words if you can't see. but there aren't any right words for this, for any of this.

but i can describe what i'm feeling, since it was too hard this morning while i was crying. i am flattened, crushed, utterly destroyed. i am ready to abandon all hope. i cannot imagine life without you as my husband. i don't want anyone else. i don't know how to move forward, if i can or if i want to. i'm assuming this is the first of many low points. i may need to see someone, talk to someone professionally. i don't know.

i didn't want to turn this into one of those notes, so i'll stop. please promise me you'll read all of this. i know things have changed since then. but i refuse, i cannot believe they could have changed so much.

enough from me. read these, read the words from the man who said i was the realization of every hope and dream he ever had. and then please tell me you're still that man.

gotta go. floodgates opened.

jen

---

Oh, the denial. I can say that now. I didn't want to hear that then, no way in hell. Not just a river in Egypt, as they say. At least I can laugh now.

And there's the fact I listened to Peter Gabriel's "I Grieve" for about 3 hours or so that day. I wanted to remember the pain, I wanted to wallow in it. But here's the big lesson from all of this, the one I'm sure everyone hoped I would learn: Life goes on. I can imagine life without him, I'm living that life. I do want someone else, and he's a wonderfully amazing man who makes me feel loved and appreciated. I've said I have a running joke about "I was married?" I'm not joking when I say my guy makes me forget all that. It's just on a completely different level from what I had with the ex. It is better in every single way, and yeah, that scares the shit out of me — partly because I never thought I'd feel this way, and because I don't want to fuck up. Dear god, don't let me fuck up. The obvious comment out of that is, "Well, if you feel all this and it's better than when you were married, shouldn't you --" Don't finish that thought. Don't do it. Just don't. The fact I typed that observation is scary enough. Walking a very, very fine line here. In my heart, I know what I want. But I'm terrified of sharing that. You would be too if you had been where I've been. Yes, I am stone-cold sober at this point. I'm sure I've shared too much, but that's what I do. And it's not like this isn't stuff I wasn't planning on addressing. But not yet, not now. Anyway.

The most precious thing I have, the one thing that didn't leave me despite the fact I tried to kill it, is hope. I didn't know I'd be OK, I didn't know I'd get a pretty decent job, I didn't know I'd fall in love with an incredibly wonderful man. Somewhere, deep down, when I was in the thick of this, I hoped some of that would happen. I don't know when I knew I'd be OK. There was a lot of encouragement from a lot of people. I know the past three months have been easier because of Scott. Work helped a little bit too. Once I decided who I wanted to be, once I realized I was strong enough to move forward, things started to fall into place. Getting back into newspapers was a big help. Falling in love … I've mentioned before that I fought it. Not because of the person in question, but because I didn't want a rebound; I didn't want to hurt someone else, or be hurt myself. I wanted to fall in love for the right reasons, I didn't want to rush it. I didn't think I'd want to open up to someone, to let someone get close again. And here I am, tonight, trying to sort through an iTunes playlist chock full of mushy, girlie love songs to give to Scott. Heh. Maybe I'll get it done before Christmas. The point is, it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance. And I'm so glad I took that chance, so glad I said those three little words one day in October. So grateful I didn't scare him off, so thrilled he loves me too. So thankful he's part of my life.

I have come a long way. I still have some things to work through, but not nearly as much as I did six months ago. I really am a different person. My perspective has changed a great deal, and I have a very clear idea of who and what is important to me right now. I'm career minded, sure, but to quote someone, I work to live, not live to work. My emotional, physical and spiritual well-being take precedence (well, I still don't eat that great, but I'm a journalist). I'm 180 degrees from where I was in June. And some day, I don't think I'll make such a big deal about these kinds of milestones. But I've let go enough to where it's OK for me to look back like this, to remember what I went through that first day. Yeah, I was in a very dark place for awhile. And I guess if I wasn't, there could be cause for worry. But I think it was a normal part of the healing process. I'm just lucky I don't have to interact with the ex; hell, I have no desire to do so. I think I mentioned somewhere (probably more than once) that he can take a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut. I just shrug now. The anger and the bitterness, well, I'm just that kind of person really, but they don't rule my life. I don't wish ill upon the ex (that often); frankly, I've got better things to worry about, more important people to expend the energy on. Maybe one day, we will be friends. But not today, not tomorrow. My life is better without him.

And you know, maybe this is the way things were supposed to work out. I'm incredibly happy, happier than I've ever been. Life isn't perfect, but it's my life. I do have the rest of my life to go, that rare second chance that I need to grab hold of and run with. I keep saying life is too short not to take chances. It hasn't been the easiest thing to live by, but the two big things — work and love — are going quite well. My other motto (for lack of a better word) about the best revenge is living well … the fact I'm as happy and in love as I am goes a long way toward that. But that's one where I'd like to see where I am in five years, and where the ex is. My money's still on me — not just because I don't want him to get the better of me, but because I *do* have hope, and because I know what I'm feeling in my heart. But that's another entry for another time.

Posted: Sat - December 18, 2004 at 03:50 AM

This week's musical selection

Take a wild guess who this song is for. And it will be on a CD headed his way, whenever I get brave enough to finalize the playlist.

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aeromsmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing

Time flies

Yeah, no kidding. Where did this year go?

I'm not going to go into how many shopping days are left until Christmas, mostly because I'm only getting gifts for a handful of people to begin with. And I have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Such a goddamned joy. Happy frickin' holidays to you too, work... But I didn't decide to write today to bitch about work.

Starting to get into the mode where I'm ready to look back at 2004 in all of its glory (or lack thereof). And I'm also more or less prepared to look back at the past six month — the 18th is six months since my life changed. And I had an anniversary of sorts on Saturday — it's been three months since my life took a dramatic turn for the better.

I took some time last night to go through one of my old online journals. It'll be archived and nuked sometime after the beginning of the year, I think. The last entry I wrote there talks about things changing in a short period of time, how going with my instincts isn't a bad thing and how things are happening the way they're supposed to. I mentioned how if I could get the ex out of my life, things will be a lot better. That stuff was written on Sept. 28.

Well, the ex isn't a part of my life any more. I don't see him, haven't talked to him, haven't heard from him since I responded to an e-mail from him last month. And I haven't talked to anyone from the paper, so I have no clue how he is, what he's been doing or anything like that. I'm interested in my friends who are there, but couldn't give two shits about the ex. It's a nice place to be. It will be even better when I can just not think about him at all, but I don't suspect that will happen any time soon, but I do expect it to happen.

I'm thrilled, amazed and encouraged that things are going quite well with the wonderfully amazing guy in my life. Not because of him, but because of me and the fact my needy and neurotic side showed itself recently. I'm thrilled because he is such a find — caring, attentive, loving, fun, smart, silly, political, dedicated and plenty more adjectives I can't wrap my brain around right now. I'm so thankful and grateful he's a part of my life, and I can't imagine him not being there. I'm amazed by the connection we made, how I'm fulfilled and content and so at ease with him. I'm amazed by the strength and depth of my feelings toward him and what he feels for me. It's powerful and wonderful and comforting. And I'm encouraged because the part of me that wants to love and trust another man didn't die. A few entries ago I talked about finding balance, and I think I've found it, or I'm on my way to finding it.

But when I look back, there were really only three months where I felt like anything else would be better than the pain I was feeling. The first month was pure hell and I would've rather died than deal with the depression, angst, rejection, you name it. That was the period of time where I didn't eat anything for about 45 days. Well, I ate, just nothing that was terribly nutritious. I cried a lot. I felt sorry for myself. I was angry and bitter. I was in denial, thinking that maybe he'd come back, that he'd made a mistake and would see it and would return. Month Two was less of all that, though I still wanted him back. One of the best things I did was write an e-mail to the future boyfriend to ask him if he was interested in the position of drinking buddy/cool guy friend. Kind of neat to see we got the ball rolling way back in July. Didn't go out until late August, didn't get "serious" until September, didn't say "I love you" until October. Yeah, I keep track of that stuff; I'm a freak like that, but there's a reason why I have more than one journal. In any event, having a positive male influence in my life helped a great deal.

I guess what I'm getting at is that since I've been with Scott, life is just so much better. He's been a huge help; just knowing someone will be there for you is a tremendous comfort. The last three months really have been wonderful and amazing; that's no bullshit, no exaggeration. I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned before that with things going great in the personal life, I really don't care about the rest. The divorce definitely reorganized my priorities; taking care of me is at the top of the list now. Work stays at the office. Life is too short not to take chances. It all comes back to perspective.

But back to the topic at hand, I suppose.

If I had to come up with a metaphor for this year (and here it is, horrible as it might be), it would be a football game. During the first half, it was just average and unremarkable. The teams went into the lockerroom at halftime tied 0-0. Well, the third quarter opened with a bang, and the ex jumped out to a big lead. Our heroine was distraught, ready to give up but managed to close the gap as the third quarter came to an end. But the fourth quarter was hers, and she rallied and kicked his ass. And she and her guy lived happily ever after, the end. Or something.

I really need to stop these philosophical posts at this hour. Bottom line: For all intents and purposes, what was the worst year of my life has turned into the best thing ever. And that's where all that stuff up there about my relationship comes into play. I don't get divorced, I'm not where I am now. I don't get the chance to be with this wonderfully amazing man. I win. That might be an over-simplifcation, but there it is. The ex is out of my life, I win. Scott is in my life, I win. It really is the mother of all fourth-quarter comebacks. I'm still not sure how I'll remember all of 2004; not ready to be that introspective just yet. But I do know I'll remember that the last three months of 2004 were the beginning of the rest of my life. I don't need to be all introspective to know that.

Posted: Mon - December 13, 2004 at 04:05 AM

Token update

It's December. That's scary.

Been writing a lot in my other journal since no one reads this stuff anyway, and much of what I've had to say doesn't need sharing with the world. Work is OK; it's a job. Social life is good and that's what's keeping me sane. Still trying to unpack from the move and get situated; I made pretty decent progress Monday, then I had to go back to work. And it's tough to want to move stuff and unpack at 1 a.m. I haven't even played FFXI for like a month. I seriously suck.

Hard to believe the year is almost over. A lot of 2004 completely, totally sucked. I never want to go through any of that again. Yet in some surprising ways, it's been a great year. I need to ponder this a bit more, but the biggest thing was falling in love. After that, it's probably realizing I don't need the ex in my life. I'm not concerned with what he's doing, I don't care if he knows what I'm doing. I have no desire to contact him. That's actually a big deal for me.

I guess I never thought I'd make it this far. I've done pretty well for the most part, with the exception of a — let's call it another bout of self-doubt — last weekend. I've got some real issues with abandonment and rejection I need to work through. Thankfully, the wonderful man in my life is understanding and patient and not easily scared off. But of all the things I hate about what the ex did to me, it's this: His leaving made me vulnerable, made me afraid of scaring people off, made me question whether I'm worthy of the kind of relationship I'm in. His legacy is that I'm looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has nothing to do with the person I'm with and everything to do with me. It's a scary and unfamiliar feeling. I had some neurotic tendencies anyway; this doesn't help them. But I'll get through this, and get over it. Much like I did with the ex. There are really too many good things about my current situation to dwell on the negative.

Anyway, this got all serious and shit. I'm going to bed.

Posted: Fri - December 3, 2004 at 02:31 AM

Giving thanks

I have a lot to be thankful for every day I wake up. But since today is Thanksgiving, it's time for a list.

In no particular order, here's what I'm thankful for off the top of my head:

Scott
Family
Friends
Love
Employment
Being divorced
A place to live
Roscoe and Cassie
My Powerbook
Caffeine
Optimism
Perseverance
Balance
Perspective
Forgiveness
iTunes
Broadband
Hope

Home

This might not be the kind of entry you think it is. Then again, I'm not sure where this is going either …

Time for more thinking out loud.

There are many times when my cynical side gets the best of me. Getting back into newspapers has awakened that part of my personality. It's easier to fire off an insensitive comment rather than appear to care. To a certain extent, that's a defense mechanism for a lot of journalists. The rest of that, well, we can be a pretty cruel and insensitive lot, and there's really not much wrong with that.

The problem I'm having is one of extremes. I've said that I don't take work home, and I don't. But I think I've been using the cynicism that comes quite naturally to … distract myself from the fact that 1) moving was more traumatic than I wanted to admit; 2) I'm still extremely vulnerable and 3) "home for the holidays" doesn't really mean what it should to me this year. We'll tackle these in order.

For starters, the move makes sense. It was probably the only thing I could've done. I don't like being backed into a corner, ever. I resent the hell out of that stuff. Financially, I needed to do this. And it's not a bad arrangement, not by a long shot. I do have too much stuff, but that's a given. In terms of what it meant for the end of my marriage, I really feel I'm doing OK with that. I certainly have better things to focus on than the ex, and I'm really OK with the idea of being divorced. Moving brought closure in a very physical sense. It's not all entirely my space, but I do have space. And I have peace of mind, which is nice. Still, my over-analytical mind is fucking with me. Which leads directly to the next point.

I don't like being vulnerable. I take pride in holding shit together. I think there's a part of me that gets off on staying calm during a crisis, especially during something like election night or if there's breaking news. That's work, though. At my core, I want to be in control; we all do. And if I'm not in control, especially of something like my feelings, I want to know why, I want to fix it or figure out why I'm feeling a certain way. Hell, that's the whole point behind keeping a blog. Anyway, the whole issue of vulnerability has to do with the fact that I'm feeling needy and neurotic. And I know why I'm feeling that way, and it has everything to do with me. The frustrating thing is that I really don't have a reason to feel that way. Well, I do and I don't. I think I've gotten a handle on it.

To a certain extent, it goes back to me ignoring advice from friends about how long to wait before getting into a relationship. Considering where I've been, I do have a good handle on my emotions. Christ, it's been five months now. It's been roughly 150 days of extremes, and that's the problem. Finding equilibrium has been tougher than I thought it would be — mostly because I didn't really think about it. I thought it was good enough to find someone I loved who made me forget I was married. And under no circumstances do I have regrets about that. I'm with a wonderful guy and I have never been happier. I can't imagine life without him. But it goes beyond making me forget about the ex. Maybe in the beginning, I wanted that. Now, it's about us, and who knows where we're headed. I need to step back and find balance — with what I'm feeling and what's realistic given things like schedules and other adult-type obligations. I was really proud of myself for maintaining a "whatever happens, happens" attitude. I don't know when, or why, that changed. I don't think it's a bad thing since I recognize the behavior pattern. Maybe it's OK for me to be a little nuts. The bottom line for me is that I don't want to fuck it up. That's the big fear, that's where the vulnerability comes in to a certain extent. Was it my fault my marriage didn't work? The easy answer is no. But clearly, there was something lacking. I'm not beating myself up over it, but when I let the doubt and self-pity visit, those are the kinds of things I wonder about. In any event, being neurotic accomplishes very little, and getting that stuff out of my system feels better. I may look like a fool, but what else is new.

For the past few years, I've been OK with being away from friends and family. But this is the first major holiday I won't be with … well, it's safe to say it's a major departure. Last year, I was able to go home. This year, I'm working and will have dinner with friends. In fact, I had to turn down one unexpected, but very sweet, invite. Or at least postpone the visit. I think I'm getting hung up on the whole "home" concept. Mom moved. The person I came up here with is no longer a part of my life. It just feels a little weird I guess. It's kinda silly, but I'm a little sad because I don't have anyone to cook a turkey for. And that reads poorly, and I don't mean it that way. I guess I'd like to be the one hosting dinner and cooking for all the people who helped me out over the summer. It's weird and sentimental and hopelessly romantic and out of character for me. For me, home is more than where you fall asleep at night. Home is where you're comfortable, where you feel safe, where — hopefully — you're with the people (or person) you love. Having that is key, at least in my twisted little world. I know it's idealistic. But there's a Luther Vandross song, "A House Is Not A Home:"

A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight

Yeah, you had to know lyrics were coming, especially in a long-ass entry like this. Granted, it's a song about losing love, but I like the sentiment about what makes a house a home. The song always had meaning to me, and this is why: For someone who thinks of herself as independent, recent history teaches our heroine that loving and being loved are very important. This requires trust and a certain amount of dependence on another person. Not co-dependence, dammit. But healthy give and take. On top of that, you basically reap what you sow. It feels good to put a lot into something and get the same in return; it's pretty fucking awesome, come to think of it. And I'm not sure where that's going, given the hour. But I do know I'll be OK and that thinking out loud like this helps me get rid of the angst.

I will find the home I'm looking for, I'm confident about that. I don't know when, but I will, someday. And if that's not enough reason for optimism, I don't know what is.

Jingle this...

No, Nov. 17 is not an appropriate time to hear Christmas music out in public.

Back in the old days, Christmas wasn't shoved down your throat by retailers until after Thanksgiving. Now, with a struggling economy, most retailers are pushing that shit right after Halloween (which has become waaaaaaaaay too commercialized as well). Today at lunch, I got into the "bah-humbug" spirit after hearing Christmas carols. It's not even freakin' winter yet. Can't they at least wait until next week?

Holidays aren't going to be the same for me this year. That's a given. Thanksgiving plans are being firmed up — I'm working that day, but I should be able to get my hands on some turkey, thanks to the kindness of friends. I'd rather have a three-day weekend anyway.

I've always believed that if you're going to give, you should do it all year. Charities and those less fortunate need help all year long, not just around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Yes, this is the time of year when we tend to think about that sort of thing. But when it comes to giving gifts, I generally don't need a reason. If I see something I think someone will enjoy, and I can afford it, I'll buy it. I don't expect anything in return. If someone is able to bring me happiness, then it's the least I can do.

But you shouldn't have to give gifts to embody the holiday spirit. That's what retailers would have you believe, and the commercialization of the season is pretty disgusting. Spend, spend, spend. Go further into debt because boy, the woman in your life isn't going to think you love her unless you buy her a new car or diamonds and gold. Sheesh. Where the hell does that stuff come from? Ad agencies. Sales reps are the bane of all existence and should be exterminated. Yes, it's personal with me on that one. Still, I don't need shiny things to know I'm loved. I don't need to spend huge sums of money for the guy in my life to know I love him dearly because I tell him as often as I can.

As for being thankful, well, that's a daily thing for me. I don't take people for granted. I let them know they're appreciated. Having a husband walk out on you will do that. And oddly enough, I'm grateful he did that. If he hadn't left, I wouldn't be where I am now. It's an odd twist of fate, but I've never been happier — not even going back to the earliest days of when the ex and I first got together. I have a remarkable man in my life, and I'll be damned if I want to let him go. My life isn't perfect; I don't own a house, I'm not a domestic goddess, I don't make a six-figure salary. But dammit, it's my life and I'm happy. I have something to look forward to every day when I wake up. I feel good about myself, and while a bit of a strain at times, I know I make a difference at work. But work stays at the office; that's been key for me. I'm A LOT more upbeat about life these days, and guess why. If I'm down and need to smile, I just think of my guy. Fancy that.

So no, I don't need Christmas carols or ad campaigns or gifts to get into the spirit of the season. Friends and family are what matter. True friends are always there for you; family should be there for you regardless. And lovers, well … I don't post everything here, you know.

I got yer hohoho right here.

Posted: Thu - November 18, 2004 at 01:22 AM

Song ~ Nov. 16

From their new album, which I was lucky enough to hear the other day. This is a must-purchase when it comes out next week. If you like U2, I can't stress this enough.

Miracle Drug ~ U2
I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear a voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

Song of the moment

Fall to Pieces — Velvet Revolver

Loved Scott Weiland's voice since Stone Temple Pilots. A great song I wish i had discovered a few months ago when it was more relevant.

Still, it's good stuff.

It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Still happy

Yeah, hard to believe. I'm still really enjoying life, despite a few minor inconveniences…

For those of us who use computers for a living, your fingers, hands and wrists are very, very important. I've got repetitive stress injury in both wrists, but it's not carpal tunnel (yet). I can handle that. But I managed to suffer a rather annoying injury to my index finger at work tonight.

I was putting away a retractable knife when I sliced my fingertip on a blade that was stored/forgotten in one of the storage slots in the plotter. I just wanted to put the knife back in the right spot and as I tried to do that, zip! I've got a cut on my finger. It doesn't hurt much, but it's deep enough where it could take a bit to heal. The annoying thing is trying to type and use my mouse with the bandage on it. And typing does hurt a bit. But I'll live. Got a tetanus shot three years ago when I crashed the bike, so I should be OK. Not exactly sure how I'll get my contacts out tonight…

The happiness, of course, comes from spending the better part of Saturday with my special guy. I took a mental health day, and I did have some stuff to get finished up for the move. It's so unbelievably great to spend time with him. We see each other during the week for lunch, but it's so nice to be able to hang out and just … be. I'm very lucky to have found someone I really enjoy doing just about anything with. We don't need anything fancy; being together is great enough. And I'm grateful for any time we have together. Granted, there still needs to be a serious kidnapping in the next few days or so (that is to say, time alone for us adults). But I'm just so very happy and content and excited to be with such a neat guy. Frankly, I feel a little spoiled because he's so good to me. And I'm not talking material goods here. I have more than enough stuff. I'm old enough where I don't need toys (though I do enjoy them) or shiny things to be impressed by a guy. What's inside matters so much more to me than anything that could be bought in a store. That's not to say I'm against giving gifts; if I see something I think he'll like and I can afford it, I'll get it. That's just the way I'm wired. I value our time together, I love having him around, I love doing nothing with him. Yeah, it's getting sickening again. But really. I am that happy.

I keep thinking I'll wake up, that this is too good to be true. More than that, I'm afraid I'll do something to mess this up. I was talking to a friend of ours the other day, and I mentioned to her that once I realized I had fallen really hard for my guy, one of the first things through my head was, "Don't fuck this up." She agrees I've got a good one; she said he'll take care of me, and I told her he's doing just that.

In any event, Jen is still giddy and delirious with love. Definitely a feeling I'm enjoying. I must be getting old or soft or both, beacause at the end of the day, the thing that matters the most to me is knowing that I've got a great guy who loves me bunches, and that I love him more than he can know. And that no matter what may have happened during the course of my day, thinking of him always makes me smile. Or grin evilly, depending on the thought…

So there's an update.

...

Huh?

Feeling very random right now. Wanted to write something, but wasn't sure what to write. So I'll probably have a bunch of unrelated stuff here…

The Good
Aside from moving, the weekend was fabulous. Got to spend a lot of time with my special guy. Can't wait until we can just have a weekend for us. I don't know when this could happen, thanks to our lovely schedules. Just having him for a few hours alone is nice. And if he can spend the night… ahem. Anyway. So. Very. Happy. I've thought about this a bit, and I really can't remember another person making me this happy.

The Bad
Still sleeping (fitfully) on the couch. Cat was wandering around last night, making all kinds of noise. Evil wench.

The Ugly
Still have some stuff to bring over from the old house. Very, very annoying. I hate moving. I hate moving. I hate moving. Yes, I have too much stuff. Happy now?

The Election
I hand-delivered my absentee ballot. I can only hope enough people woke the fuck up and made the right choice. If not, I guess it's time to move to Canada. Working late for election coverage. Could be entertaining.

Oh, and for the record, Dubya can eat a dick.

The move, Day 1

I know moving sucks, but I seem to forget just how much until I'm in the middle of it.

So it rained a lot today. That sucked. I have too much stuff. That sucked. But we're almost done, which is a really, really good thing. Got the kitchen, sheds and some furniture left to move, so hopefully, it won't take that long.

Pretty tired now. Got up after 8 in the hopes of packing stuff, and that didn't happen as well as it should've. But I had a lot of help from folks — including my special guy (yay oh yay oh yay!!) so I only freaked out a little bit.

But I did feel like writing something tonight, just because I can; housemate has DSL and the laptop auto-detected his wireless network, and I'm posting this from the couch. Too bad Macs suck so much...

Happily divorced

Yeah, it would appear that's the case now...

Last night, it became readily apparent that I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned — either here, or in e-mail to some of you who have this link — that I've begun to forget what it was like to be married. It's sad and funny at the same time. It's sad because I thought I had found true love, the love of my life, the man I wanted to be with forever. Then he turns around and says he doesn't want to be with me, that he's found someone better. And yet, I still wanted to cling to that ideal, that image of what I wanted him to be. How could he find someone else? Why wasn't I good enough? The funny thing is, now that it's over, I'm glad that it ended. I'm glad I've found someone amazing, someone who makes me happy in just about every way. Some one who is just so wonderful to talk to or be with or think about. I know, it's sickeningly sweet; it scares both of us at times I think. But there's something neat about having lunch with someone and grinning so much it's tough to get through your meal. This is very new to me.

I know this isn't the time for me to reflect on the good aspects of my marriage. Frankly, the less I think about the ex, the better. I'm more interested in thinking about, being with and raving about my special guy. I think I've earned that. And I think it's good I'm starting to get to the point where the ex just isn't a factor in my life any more. I'm going to live my life, and he can go live his. If our paths happen to cross, I'll still have to try and be the better person. I'll have to resist the temptation to tell him how happy I am to not be with him.

And I've begun to see some very important differences in the way we look at life. My sources tell me the ex is a complete dick to be around at work. I know things suck at the office, but you'd like to think that if the personal life is so great, that would help take the edge off at work. I had an experience the other day where I was really ready to quit my job on the spot. I think a few years ago, I would've quit. But Wednesday, I took a deep breath, calmed down and remembered I needed the money, needed this job and should just ride it out. And since the special guy is never far from my thoughts to begin with, I thought about how happy I am away from work, and how he'd give me endless amounts of shit if I quit. It's all about what you carry with you.

I used to take work home. I used to let things eat at me, I used to worry, I used to get wound up about what other people thought and the lack of quality in their work. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I realized that if I do the best job I can and take pride in my work, I really shouldn't have a lot to worry about. Factor in a great personal life, and it's about as balanced as I've felt in a long time. Hell, I don't think I've ever had this kind of balance in my life. In this case, the good stuff far outweighs the bad. Why focus on the negative? God, it's so much better to dwell on the stuff that makes you happy. Why did it take me so fucking long to figure that out? Scary to think this might be the first time I've really found happiness. Better late than never, I guess. And if I don't get divorced, I don't hook up with my special guy. And that would be a shame. So many things to experience with him … This is why, like him, I count myself as "happily divorced." He's got his reasons; he's my main reason. Perspective. It's good shit.

But what I carry with me … here's a list:
• a sense of independence
• the strength to survive a soul-crushing breakup
• a more positive outlook on life
• an even more twisted sense of humor
• a willingness to take chances
• love for a very wonderful man
• love from a man who calls me "amazing"
• a renewed passion for journalism
• strength and support from great friends
• strength and support from my parents

Just a few things on that list would be enough for a lot of people. And I'm sure I could list more, but these are the ones that came to mind without really trying. How can I fail? How can I not succeed with that kind of stuff going for me? I've got people who care about me, people who will pick me up if I'm down, people with shoulders for me to cry on. People who will set me straight if I'm being too hard on myself, or if I'm full of shit. I'm lucky to have that, I'm thankful to have that.

And on the eve of my move, I think I really am ready to move forward and close this chapter of my life. I wasn't so sure yesterday or the day before. But now, especially since I can see the good stuff in black and white, I know that the next step isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I'm going to be OK.

What a day...

I blame today on the full moon and subsequent lunar eclipse. Or something.

The day started out well enough. Aside from the part where I went to bed at 4 a.m. and woke up at 6, 6:30, 8 and then 10. I don't know what the hell my problem was, other than maybe I was excited about the lunch date. And that was quite nice. That particular Quizno's has the worst parking lot designed by monkeys, but the food was good and the company was stellar. Any amount of time I'm able to spend with my special guy is great. Yeah, Jen's a sappy romantic. Get over it.

Lunch was followed by an attempt at packing, which was interrupted by me getting overly ... sentimental? Don't know if that's the word I'm looking for... regardless, my old friend, self-doubt, decided to make an appearance. Yes, life is moving along for me now. New job, new love, new place to live. Moving will provide closure. Except that I started to think about the past six years and got sad. And the idea of being out on my own is kind of scary. I'll have a roommate, sure, and I've got a great guy who I love dearly, but there's a part of me that goes, "oh shit... this really is life after marriage." I'll be fine; it was just sort of an odd thought that stuck with me for part of the afternoon. I don't have any regrets, certainly not about getting divorced. I'm so much happier now; I don't get to this spot emotionally if I'm still married. And frankly, I can't imagine life without my guy (sorry, "boyfriend" sounds too high schoolish for my tastes). Everything happens for a reason, right? If my marriage wasn't supposed to last and this is how my life is supposed to be, I don't have a whole lot to be bitter about. So OK then. That's no bitterness about the love/personal life, for the record.

Work tested my patience in new and exciting ways today. Through all of this redesign shit, all we've been hearing is about how people don't like this, or this doesn't work, or why did you do things that way? I've been through enough of these things where the stuff that's cropping up is cropping up because WE WENT LIVE WITH IT TOO FUCKING SOON. Planning? Communication? Fucking hello? So instead of ANYONE at that fucking place having one nice thing to say about any of it, all we get are complaints. I'm not asking for a lot. Just acknowledge that there were several of us who worked hard on this. And we're feeling really unappreciated right now. And when you piss me off and make me feel unappreciated, chances are, both sides will lose. If I had something else lined up, I would've walked right out of there. Want to retain employees? Learn how to communicate with EVERYONE. Don't manage with your emotions. Back your people every once in a while. Is it too much to ask that there is some kind of separation between editorial and advertising? Yes, we need to work together. But I don't fucking build house ads, OK? Just like you stupid fuckers don't write headlines and edit copy. Oh, and most importantly, DON'T GO ON VACATION WHILE WE'RE TRYING TO GET THIS SHIT DONE AND THEN ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACK FROM THE ROAD. No, really. I'll be fine.

But, I'm in a great mood anyway. I got that off my chest and now it's time for the weekend. Well, time for sleep, anyway.

Oh, and note to self: Don't order anything from Wendy's besides salads. I had an order of chicken nuggets, and I swear my stomach is trying to implode. Or something. Christ...

One last thing. If all that wasn't enough, the freakin' Red Sox swept the Cardinals tonight. Tony LaRussa looked so sad. But I am happy for Boston...

.:Happy Dance:.

Yes, despite a hellish few weeks at work, our heroine has plenty to be happy about. Hmmm… wonder what that could be?

It could be the fact I've seen my special guy two days in a row. Going back to swing shift means I can meet him for lunch! It's better than not seeing him for three weeks (that was actually pretty tough on me). Oh, but a lunch break isn't all that long, you say. And you'd be correct. But let me put it this way: There aren't enough hours in the day. Read that any way you'd like, but it wasn't intended to send the mind screaming into the gutter. At least not right off. Lunch and conversation, OK? Sheesh. Yes, I'm going all sappy and romantic and stuff, which can be kind of scary (or sickening, depending on your point of view) but dammit, this is what being in love is supposed to feel like, and I'm going to enjoy this.

But, there's nothing like being in a great mood and then having people at work piss in your Cheerios the second you bounce through the door. Oddly enough, I've still managed to be relatively upbeat about stuff. That's what happens when the personal life is fabulous. If anyone is actually reading this, I'm beating a dead horse. But forgive me for being happy when just a few months ago, my imperfect little world came crashing to a halt and went spinning off into the abyss.

It's kind of funny — today, JB asked me how things were going. I asked if he meant personally or professionally. He said, "Well, professionally. You won't shut up about how great the personal life is." We both got a good laugh out of that. He is right; it's made a tremendous difference in my attitude. It's not even a matter of retreating to my "happy place" when the shit hits the fan; it's all about knowing that anything that comes up at work can be handled with a little bit of perseverance. Why panic? Put your head down and get shit done. That's all you can do with anything, really. Bear down and get through it. Having a good life away from work definitely helps.

Also, I've been through enough redesigns to know that bad things will happen. People will be upset because things have changed — internally and externally. You ask for patience and you get things sorted out as best you can. I will admit, it is scary being the person look to for answers since the higher ups didn't follow through on a lot of things…

It's amazing the way it feels like things are coming together. The job is going well; the love life … heh, do ya think that's going well? And now I'm moving. The move will pretty much close the book on my old life. I didn't really want to move at first, but I think this will be good. I can save some money, and it will be nice to have fewer bills. As a general rule, I hate moving, and I really don't want to have to move again until … well, I'll just say it would require a life-changing event.

But yeah. Work. I don't hate my job, not by a long stretch. I don't like the fact that there's a serious lack of communication, or that not everyone takes pride in their work. I can't do things half-assed. Just is not even a consideration. And when I make a mistake, I own up to it. I believe in accountability in all things. I guess I'm just funny that way.

Anyway, this has turned into enough of a ramble (been doing that a lot lately, just not in this space). I should go to bed, but I'm actually too excited/happy to want to do that. And I think that's kinda neat.

Simple pleasures

Yes, yes, this is the stuff.
It's pretty cold out today… was 45 when I was out applying Rain-x to the windows on the car. So I came in and made a bowl of noodles — Sapporo Ichiban, just like in the picture there. I think that was some of the first solid food I ever ate, so that means I've been eating the stuff for … 30+ years? (sweet fucking god…). And the stuff tastes great, just like it did when I was a kid. It's comfort food. So I got thinking, what are the little things that make me happy? Here's an incomplete list:

• Sapporo Ichiban (orignal flavor)
• A good pair of Levi's
• Fresh sheets
• The way things smell after it rains
• A soft, warm blanket
• A comfortable, worn pair of boots
• Thunder and lightning
• Hot, fresh pizza from Flying Pie
• Staying up till sunrise playing video games
• Hearing from old friends
• Good, long hugs
• Holding hands
• Pay day
• The first day of the NFL
• Brilliant sunsets
• Falling asleep/waking up next to someone you love
• Dogs that smile
• Purring cats
• Care packages from home
• Japanese green tea
• The Pacific Ocean
• Listening to music on the $2,000 surround sound
• Writing
• Conversation
• Sleeping in
• Star gazing

That's it for now. Time for work, dammit.

Dog as escape artist

"Hello. Do you have a dog? Well, he's right here in front of my house."

Shit…

A brick mason came by the house yesterday morning to do an estimate for the landlord. Aside from waking me up from a dead sleep (he wasn't supposed to do that) he apparently failed to secure the back gate after he left. I checked the gate, but I was half awake and it was raining, so I obviously missed the fact it wasn't closed properly.

I go on my merry way to the hell that work turned into, and about 6:10, I get a call from a guy on my cell, asking if I had a dog, and did I know he escaped?

Me: He's in front of your house?
Him: Yeah… he was limping a little bit, so I wanted to take a look at him.
Me: Is he wearing a blue bandanna?
Him: Yup.
Me: Oh shit.

So this guy, whose name was Brandon, said he'd bring the dog back to the house and make sure the gate was shut tight. I guess the dog headed west down our street, then turned left and went up the hill. I don't even want to think about what would've happened if this guy hadn't found Captain Dumbass. He's not really a smart dog, and I can imagine all kinds of horrible things happening if he got loose in traffic.

I got to a stopping point at work and hauled ass back here, put the dog in the house and hauled ass back to the office. I wish I had been able to just stay here, since work was such a joy last night. But oh well. I felt like I had to come back and make sure Roscoe was OK. I've got a lot invested in him — financially and emotionally. He's my bud. I can't let anything happen to the PooDawg, despite the fact I make fun of him and complain about the way he smells… That dog and I have been through some tough times, or rather, I've been through some tough times, and he's been there, just being himself.

Maybe he didn't like the bandanna (which was leftover from the trip to the vet Thursday). But hell if I'm going to take it off at this point.

Wednesday's song

Yup, more Social D. What'd you expect?

Yup yup, love this album. It's good stuff. More songs about love than their other efforts. But it's cool to have love songs that don't sound like love songs. Anyway.

Faithless ~ Social Distortion
I know a girl who warns of the dangers of love
All the pain and the anguish, the sorrow that it brings
She keeps herself in a world that’s protected
Her outsides are tough
But inside her heart longs to sing

Chorus:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love

He’s gonna get his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his neck
And hope he never, never lives to regret
He’s gonna walk down that long dark alley
And what he finds there you know he’ll never forget
:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
They’re crashing down now, you might fall in love

I remember a time I believed
That the words love and pain were both one in the same
I’m gonna trade in my old ways for a new shot at life
I’m gonna change, change my direction
I’m gonna change my ways
:
Don’t let your walls down
You might fall in love, you might fall in love
They’re crashing down now
It’s you I’m thinking of, it’s you I’m thinking of
You might fall in love; it’s you I’m thinking of
We might fall in love
Let’s fall in love

Out of sight, out of mind

You know, that's not always the case. And I can prove it.

The counter argument to "out of sight, out of mind" is "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Our heroine hasn't seen her special guy for … holy shit, two weeks now. Under the "out of sight, out of mind" school of thought, she wouldn't think about him since she hasn't seen him. She'd just go about her business and not really feel like she's missing out. Eh. Fuck that; clearly, that isn't the case.

The whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" school of thought falls more in line with my whole thing of enjoying the good times and using them to tide you over until you can make new good times. Yes, it's simplistic, but some of the best things for me have been the least complicated. Gratitude is underused and under appreciated these days. For a person to really appreciate something deeply, I really think you have to had lost something. People who have near-death experiences often enjoy life more and go at things with zest and gusto. Having been in love and lost love, I definitely appreciate what I have. "Appreciate" really sounds like an understatement, but I can't think of another word.

And it's not a matter of pining away or moping because you can't be together. Or being depressed because plans fall through. It feels great knowing that there is exactly one other person in the world who loves me as much as I love him, that thinking about him makes me incredibly happy. That talking to him can turn my day around. I like the way that feels. I can carry those thoughts and feelings with me anywhere. I'll just smile for what appears to be no reason — in the car, at work, wherever. Well, the reason is because I've remembered something funny or cute or *rawrrr* about my guy. Of course I'd like to be with him; frankly, I'd like to kidnap him for an extended period of time. In lieu of that, I have some pretty fond memories to draw on. Heh.

After being cautious in the beginning, it's all so exciting now. Life is too short not to take chances. I'm glad I wasn't a chickenshit and followed through with that. It was a big jump, especially when I think of where I've been the past four months, but I'm glad I followed my heart. Can't follow my head all the time; I do that often enough. Once again with the triteness, but I've rediscovered what it's like to be passionate. It feels good to feel like I'm "me" again. I don't have to be someone I'm not — personally or professionally. I just am. That's some good shit right there.

To play devil's advocate, it sounds like some weird dependency deal. Wrong. There was dependency when I was with the ex. I wanted to win his approval, I wanted to impress him, I wanted to be with him all the time, I needed him to be around to feel happy. Having someone you feel all that stuff for tell you they don't love you any more, well it kills A LOT. You re-learn independence. You vow that you'll be more in control, more cautious. Oh yeah, you're still wanting to win approval, but it's a little different now. I'm not sure if I can explain this properly. It's part of that whole "hooking up" process; if you can find someone who really, truly accepts you for who you are, then you've won the approval you've been seeking. They want to be with you because you're you, and there's really no greater compliment you could ask for.

I guess in the end, it comes down to desire. You could argue being away from the ex would make me fonder of him. Well, it doesn't apply to people you'd want to hit in the face with a shovel. There is no desire to see him, really, very little in the way of feelings — except for negative ones. Remember, the key word is "fonder." So using the ex as an example served no purpose except to acknowledge that some form of bodily harm would be amusing. And all that does is take time away from me thinking happy thoughts about my special guy. And there's never too much of that.

Time for sleep I suppose.

Today's song

Listened to this one in the car this morning, and several times during the day at work. And when I got home...

Yeah, it feels really good to be into Social D again. It's been too long since I've found a CD where I want to spend time getting to know each song. This disc is like that. I've purchased some of their older stuff the past few days, but this is the CD that got me back to them, so I feel a little bit of loyalty to it. I know that sounds weird, but it's me. What do you expect?

Listened to Angel's Wings (of course) but this one fit my mood, at least for the early part of the day. After I passed the 11-hour mark at work, I flat out didn't give a shit. And it felt good. I got a lot accomplished. Didn't do a great job with the daily, but what do you want with four pages in four hours? And one of them was wide open with a ton of local stuff. Eh. Not even through this beer and I'm rambling. Audience, you could be in trouble tonight…

Footprints on My Ceiling ~ Social Distortion
Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
Wanna go without a care
Pull gardenias from her hair
I think of a time we didn’t have a care in the world
Captivated by her beauty I knew it was my life long duty
She had all the grace and charm of a radiant queen

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
We keep it all inside?

There are footprints on my ceiling
I can’t help this fucked up feeling
Something’s wrong, you ain’t comin’ around here no more
Try to get my thoughts together
I think of a time when things were better
This miscommunication is breaking me down

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
How you treat your new best friend?

Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
My heart is heavy slowly sinking
I redirect my desperate thinking
And kiss her red full lips like I did the very first time

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
There are footprints on my ceiling yea
And I kept it bottled up inside
All my life

Another song

So many songs. I think the library is up to nearly 4,000 songs again. And I'm running out of space on the hard drive. I guess I know what my next computer-related investment will be … maybe after the move.

Didn't get to see these guys in concert, but that's OK. This is a good one on a CD full of really fun and neat songs. It's a slower song and makes some interesting points.

Whistles the Wind ~ Flogging Molly
Whistles the wind, blowing my way
Sweeping me back, back here to stay
Can winners be losers running on the same track?
Some head for glory, others refresh

Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong

My isolation, now there's a sobering thought
A minute alone, a lifetime too long
See the face in this mirror, so pale it could crack
Desperately wanting a color in lacks

Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong

So you drank with the lost souls for too many years
Time to be right cause they'll cripple with fear
Never been righteous, go sell them, we're wrong
Life's only life with you in this song

Now there's an ocean between us
Where I am and where I want to be
So you prayers in doubt, doubt not for me

Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong

Well it breaks my heart to see you this way
The beauty in life, where's your God?
And somebody told me, you were doing okay
Somehow I guess they were wrong

Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind
Whistles the wind

Oh you'll find your way out, but there's no going now
Every woman and child drags you down for the good
It's not safe being free, can't give back what you feel
You said you'll always be in heaven with me

Dog as sociopath

No, that's not a toy. And it's not asleep, either.

For some unknown reason, Roscoe has decided to wage a war against any squirrels that come into the back yard. I think this may have been his agenda since we moved here last year. They taunted him, he went searching for their secret stashes, inspecting areas where they might have hidden things. He's chased them when they've invaded the borders of the back yard, even got me to participate in a plan to scare them off with the old Airsoft gun. Sanctions were working. Searches revealed no stashes. And yet Thursday, something changed...

He's got an interesting method of killing them. There's no blood, and they really do look like they're asleep. I could tell he had licked them (he does this with all of his toys) and when he does that, it's only a matter of time before he figures out how to open up the damn thing.

So yeah. He seems to enjoy this. I'm not sure what to make of it. More pictures, if you care.

In between

Everything I've been through has proven how valuable perspective is. Certainly, the big picture has changed for me, but there are smaller changes that are important too.

When I step back and look at what a life-changing event the divorce was, it really makes me realize the little setbacks in life are just that — setbacks. Nothing life-changing, just inconveniences really. The best thing about that? They can be overcome. Just takes a little bit of patience and perseverance. The first, I'm still working on. The second ties in with my stubborn nature and the fact that if something is worth fighting for, I will fight for it. I still get discouraged; I won't lie about that. I think that should happen when you care about something. But I don't dwell on it, at least I try not to. I've mentioned that I've become something of an optimist. Beneath irreverence, sarcasm and cynicism, I really want to believe things will work out. Like, I really want to believe the American public won't be duped into four more years of Dubya. The cynic knows that won't be the case, but hey, we can dream, right?

Not really sure why, but I'm reminded of this verse from "Here I Am":

Look
I understand too little too late
I realize there are things you say and do
You can never take back
But what would you be if you didn't even try
You have to try
So after a lot of thought
I'd like to reconsider
Please
If it's not too late
Make it a cheeseburger

I think it's the way Lyle says "You have to try" in the song. I suppose what perspective has taught me is that you can't give up so easily. Be resourceful, figure out a way to make things happen the way you want them to. So it really goes back to my whole belief in making your own luck. Or something. I had a thought and it left. I blame the headache I've got from the one beer I drank 6 hours ago (damn lightweight, I know).

I'd like to think I don't get as frustrated or disappointed as easily. That's not to say I don't feel those things, it's just all about how I deal with them. It's not an "oh well, who cares" attitude, nor is it one of resignation. It's, "Oh, this happened and it means I won't be able to do that. Guess I'll have to wait until next time." It comes down to appreciating what you have and not wishing for something that's not there. I went through a phase when I was wishing the ex would change his mind, that he'd realize he'd made a mistake and he'd come back. When you wish for something like that and it doesn't happen, it only leads to pain. It sure did for me. And then you're doing the whole pity party thing, and it's hard to dig out because you're disappointed about something you shouldn't have had hopes for, you're depressed because you know you shouldn't have put yourself in that position and it's just an awful cycle that feeds on itself. Did that make sense? It did in my head, not sure about here in black and white. That was the old way of looking at things. The new way is to hope for the best, and be grateful if it happens — enjoy it, soak it in, love it, celebrate it. If it doesn't happen, hey, you tried, and chances are, there is some kind of right-wing conspiracy at work and must be defeated regardless. But seriously, it's like Lyle said: "You have to try." More convoluted thinking as 4 a.m. approaches … that's still one lesson I haven't learned.

Translation (now that my inner-editor is semi-conscious): Enjoy the good times and use them to tide you over until you can make new good times. The stuff in between is just a lull. No negativity attached to it. It just is. It's a very different way of looking at things for me; I started applying it to work when I started getting annoyed with people. Work became a lull between the time I spent at home. An odd way of looking at things, sure. And there are days where I really enjoy being there. Just not during a redesign, in which case work is the lull between sleep and beer. Or killing things. Don't focus on the drudgery of work, just get through it and move on. That's what the divorce taught me: don't focus on the bullshit and the pain, focus on what your new life has in store for you, and how much better off you'll be. There is no way in hell I would've had this kind of perspective on life on say, June 17. No way. I don't think there were really any feelings of hope until … July? Need to double-check the "dark" journal for confirmation on that …

And please, know that there is no finger-pointing or anything like that associated with any of this. It's just me taking the time to figure out what's different about the way I look at the world these days. I feel better about thoughts, feelings, emotions or ideas after I've put them out there for someone besides me to see. Lately, I've written a lot of stuff in the private journal that's ended up in this space or various e-mails or conversations to you folks. Obviously, I'm looking for some kind of validation; I've still got enough insecurities left over from the breakup where I want that confirmation that I'm doing OK. Or that whoa, you need to take a time out.

Anyway, before this entry gets any weirder, I need to get some sleep. I can't believe one freakin' beer gave me a headache like this …