Time flies

Yeah, no kidding. Where did this year go?

I'm not going to go into how many shopping days are left until Christmas, mostly because I'm only getting gifts for a handful of people to begin with. And I have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Such a goddamned joy. Happy frickin' holidays to you too, work... But I didn't decide to write today to bitch about work.

Starting to get into the mode where I'm ready to look back at 2004 in all of its glory (or lack thereof). And I'm also more or less prepared to look back at the past six month — the 18th is six months since my life changed. And I had an anniversary of sorts on Saturday — it's been three months since my life took a dramatic turn for the better.

I took some time last night to go through one of my old online journals. It'll be archived and nuked sometime after the beginning of the year, I think. The last entry I wrote there talks about things changing in a short period of time, how going with my instincts isn't a bad thing and how things are happening the way they're supposed to. I mentioned how if I could get the ex out of my life, things will be a lot better. That stuff was written on Sept. 28.

Well, the ex isn't a part of my life any more. I don't see him, haven't talked to him, haven't heard from him since I responded to an e-mail from him last month. And I haven't talked to anyone from the paper, so I have no clue how he is, what he's been doing or anything like that. I'm interested in my friends who are there, but couldn't give two shits about the ex. It's a nice place to be. It will be even better when I can just not think about him at all, but I don't suspect that will happen any time soon, but I do expect it to happen.

I'm thrilled, amazed and encouraged that things are going quite well with the wonderfully amazing guy in my life. Not because of him, but because of me and the fact my needy and neurotic side showed itself recently. I'm thrilled because he is such a find — caring, attentive, loving, fun, smart, silly, political, dedicated and plenty more adjectives I can't wrap my brain around right now. I'm so thankful and grateful he's a part of my life, and I can't imagine him not being there. I'm amazed by the connection we made, how I'm fulfilled and content and so at ease with him. I'm amazed by the strength and depth of my feelings toward him and what he feels for me. It's powerful and wonderful and comforting. And I'm encouraged because the part of me that wants to love and trust another man didn't die. A few entries ago I talked about finding balance, and I think I've found it, or I'm on my way to finding it.

But when I look back, there were really only three months where I felt like anything else would be better than the pain I was feeling. The first month was pure hell and I would've rather died than deal with the depression, angst, rejection, you name it. That was the period of time where I didn't eat anything for about 45 days. Well, I ate, just nothing that was terribly nutritious. I cried a lot. I felt sorry for myself. I was angry and bitter. I was in denial, thinking that maybe he'd come back, that he'd made a mistake and would see it and would return. Month Two was less of all that, though I still wanted him back. One of the best things I did was write an e-mail to the future boyfriend to ask him if he was interested in the position of drinking buddy/cool guy friend. Kind of neat to see we got the ball rolling way back in July. Didn't go out until late August, didn't get "serious" until September, didn't say "I love you" until October. Yeah, I keep track of that stuff; I'm a freak like that, but there's a reason why I have more than one journal. In any event, having a positive male influence in my life helped a great deal.

I guess what I'm getting at is that since I've been with Scott, life is just so much better. He's been a huge help; just knowing someone will be there for you is a tremendous comfort. The last three months really have been wonderful and amazing; that's no bullshit, no exaggeration. I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned before that with things going great in the personal life, I really don't care about the rest. The divorce definitely reorganized my priorities; taking care of me is at the top of the list now. Work stays at the office. Life is too short not to take chances. It all comes back to perspective.

But back to the topic at hand, I suppose.

If I had to come up with a metaphor for this year (and here it is, horrible as it might be), it would be a football game. During the first half, it was just average and unremarkable. The teams went into the lockerroom at halftime tied 0-0. Well, the third quarter opened with a bang, and the ex jumped out to a big lead. Our heroine was distraught, ready to give up but managed to close the gap as the third quarter came to an end. But the fourth quarter was hers, and she rallied and kicked his ass. And she and her guy lived happily ever after, the end. Or something.

I really need to stop these philosophical posts at this hour. Bottom line: For all intents and purposes, what was the worst year of my life has turned into the best thing ever. And that's where all that stuff up there about my relationship comes into play. I don't get divorced, I'm not where I am now. I don't get the chance to be with this wonderfully amazing man. I win. That might be an over-simplifcation, but there it is. The ex is out of my life, I win. Scott is in my life, I win. It really is the mother of all fourth-quarter comebacks. I'm still not sure how I'll remember all of 2004; not ready to be that introspective just yet. But I do know I'll remember that the last three months of 2004 were the beginning of the rest of my life. I don't need to be all introspective to know that.

Posted: Mon - December 13, 2004 at 04:05 AM