The playlist

It's finally done, and yeah, it does scare me a little. Several entries aided by alcohol. But we won't go into that …

It's not necessarily the "mother of all playlists," but it does seem to do a fairly good job of describing my feelings. I feel sorta chickenshit for doing things this way instead of coming up with my own words, but it does go back to the fact that a lot of people have felt what I'm feeling and they've done a better job of describing it. I guess I don't trust myself to explain my feelings without screwing it up some how. Then there's the fear of fucking up a really good thing, which is something I don't think I'm in danger of doing, but you never know. Fear of failure didn't play a big role in my "other" life, but it looms a little larger these days. Fear of rejection, well, I've covered that before and it's a very real fear because I don't know if I could handle it again. I'm sure I'd find a way to cope, but I don't know that I'd be able to bounce back as quickly.

So, at the risk of sharing too much (as I'm prone to doing), here are the songs and why I picked them.

The Scientist ~ Coldplay
Yet another Coldplay song I ignored until recently. It's not quite as catchy as "Clocks," but it's simple and melodic. These are the lyrics that did it for me:

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

In Your Eyes ~ Peter Gabriel
This was a tough choice. This had been "our song" when I was with the ex. I couldn't listen to it for a long time. But it's not about him any more; it's about me and my feelings toward the special guy in my life. I guess I thought it was neat the ex said that this song described how he felt about me when we got together. I always liked the song, so I thought, "OK, that's cool." I understood the lyrics, but I never really felt kind of connection I should have. Until recently. Be afraid.

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

One Thing ~ Finger Eleven
Scott turned me onto this song, and it's a good one. I appreciated the song even more after I read what singer Scott Anderson had to say on the band's web site: "It’s never cool to regret the things you didn’t do, right? I wrote myself a note in the form of a song to tell myself just that. If you’d like to become less of a coward than you already are, try this one." Life is too short not to take chances. Everyday, I'm thankful I took the chance to say three little, but important, words.

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

More ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
I've included his stuff on another playlist; I used "What Makes You" — a duet he did with Norah Jones. Another guy with a neat voice. Simple lyrics, but the song serves as a reminder to me that some times you just have to let go and see what happens.

Don’t cry
I’ll wait
Patient
While we
Pass through
Something
More than you
More than me
Larger than memory
So let go
You must know
One thing
It’s more than you
More than me
Larger than memory

Bring Me To Life ~ Evanescence
One of my favorite songs by these guys. It's powerful musically and lyrically, which is a bonus. One of the most amazing things about our relationship is that I'm feeling things I didn't think I'd feel again for a very, very long time, and the intensity of those feelings. The majority of the lyrics seem to fit. Was I living a lie when I was married? I don't know if I wan to make that leap, but something wasn't right. Still, this song (to me at least) is more about finding myself — with the help of someone very special to show the way.

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside!)
Bring me to life

Collide (Live At State Theater) ~ Howie Day
Yes, I've used this song on other playlists before. And the song isn't exactly 100 percent accurate. I do like the message, and I love Howie's voice. It might be one of those deals where I'm the "you" in this song. Full lyrics for explanation.

(Verse 1)
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
Your barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

do do do do x 4

(Verse 2)
I'm open, your closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

(Chorus 1)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

do do do do x 4

(Verse 3)
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

(Chorus 2)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I Somehow find
You and I collide

(Bridge)
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

do do do do x 8

(Chorus 3)
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

do do do do x2

You finally find
You and I collide

do do do do x 2

You finally find that
You and I collide

do do do do x 2

Hope for Me Yet ~ Marc Broussard
I've mentioned this song before, but it's a really good song. There are many times where I feel like I don't deserve to be this happy, that I don't deserve to be with a guy as great as Scott. But if there's one thing I've gained in the past three months, it's the knowledge that I am capable of loving and being loved. I honestly feel that being loved by him makes me a better person. I know life is better with him in it; I really do feel a sense of hope, something I almost gave up on thanks to what the ex did. Anyway, this is a great song and it's one I hold fairly dear to my heart.

I could bless the water
But it wouldn't turn to wine
Paint a picture of the sunset
Hanging there in your eyes
But it'd just be some compromise

I could write a million verses
Every word you've heard before
Steal some of Dylan's best
But it'd leave me wanting to say more
Cause there's so much more

Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet

Sometimes when I look back
I don't even know myself
It blows my mind to think that I've found grace in someone else
Baby your grace is something else

Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet

For a man who's done nothing
I've been blessed with so much more than I deserve
I'm smart enough to know that I've been handed something
Can't put a price on what it's worth

Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
Hope for me yet

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
"Armageddon" was a fairly hokey movie, but I always had a soft spot for this song. I think out of all the songs on this playlist, this is the one that sums up my feelings the best. I'm grateful for every minute I can spend with Scott, and I miss him terribly when we're apart. I don't want to miss anything with him, especially with how strong my feelings are. Full lyrics are in a previous entry, but the chorus rings true:

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Maybe I'm Amazed ~ Jem
I just discovered this version of a fabulous Beatles song. Thank god this is a happier song than the Beatles stuff I've included in the past. This is off the second O.C. soundtrack. It's a show I've never watched, but they do pick cool music. It's a sparse arrangement, and I think because of that, the vocals really hit me. Jem has made appearances on other playlists as well, and I do dig her voice. Not quite as soulful as McCartney, and I do miss the the way the Beatles play this song. But it's not a bad cover. At its core, this is a song about vulnerability. I'm certainly vulnerable, and I am scared shitless about what I feel at times. It's not a bad thing, but we haven't been together all that long. Then again, when you know, you know. Anyway. This one does hit really close to home. Maybe I'm sharing too much, I don't know. I can't change the way I feel.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I need you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Love Song ~ Pink
Included this on the original "breakup" playlist with the hope that maybe someday, it would apply. For someone who doesn't take herself too seriously, this is a great song from Pink. I think I might know the answers to these questions, but I hate assuming. Another song about being vulnerable.

I've never written a love song
That didn't end in tears.

Maybe you'll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears.

I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more.

When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?

There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself.

There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect.

But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?

I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars.

Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?

I need to hear that you'll die for me
Again and again and again.

So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times.

'Cause I will love you for the rest of my life.

This is my very first love song
That didn't end in tears.

I think you re-wrote my love song
for the rest of my years.

I will love you for the rest of my life.

Meaning (Stripped Version) ~ Gavin DeGraw
Good ol Gavin DeGraw. This might be my favorite song of the year. And it's another one I hoped would fit someday, and thankfully, I've found someone I can dedicate this song to. It's another song about hope and optimism, two things I need a lot of these days. This time around, love has been good to me. Sometimes the only way is jumping | I hope you're not afraid of heights

Yeah, we both jumped on this one. Falling isn't the bad part, it's the sudden stop, someone said. And he's right.

Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountin' the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear

Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love

Up And Away ~ Dave Matthews
Another favorite of mine, and another song about appreciating the little things in life. I can say in all honesty that being with Scott makes my world a better place. If things get shitty at work, I just think about him and it's all good. He was definitely one of the first people I thought of when it became clear I would be single.

Everyday, everyday with you
Every little thing you do the way you do
Little darlin' in your eyes
Got me all up and away
You get me high

I saw you there, since then everyday
It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in every way
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high

Like I'm gone, ooo
Oh, up and away
You take me baby
Oh, you take me baby

And then you walk the way you walk
You blow my mind to know the way you walk in my way
Then I fall into your eyes
Up, up and away the way you rise
Oh, baby
The way you make me high

Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just the game I play
All up and away
Oh, all up and away
You take me baby

Up for you, I'd give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up, up and away you go
All up and away
Oh, you take me baby
Yeah
Mmmmm baby
Awwww baby

When I Look To The Sky ~ Train
Yes, it's sappy. Yes, it's pop. But I dig these guys, and this is a neat song. I'm entitled to be girlie now and again. Another song that rings true. Maybe I have done something right with this playlist …

When it rains it pours and opens doors
that flood the floors we thought would always
keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn’t say
that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor
we didn’t have before
Every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away

While I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I'm up or down or in or out
or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything
that life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by

When I feel like there is no one
that will ever know me
there you are to show me

When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

Why Don't You and I (featuring Alex Band) ~ Santana
Yeah, I've used this one before. Included it because it comes pretty close to summarizing my feelings the first time I said "I love you." I had butterflies, I was nervous, I was scared that I would fuck up a good thing. What a relief that I wasn't the only one who felt all that. We are standing on the edge of a cliff, running along razor's edge. And like I said before, I am scared shitless about what I feel. But that still goes back to my fear of failure, my fear of rejection. Anyway, it's a damned happy song. And Santana rules.

Miracle Drug ~ U2
Quoted this one before, but it's a great song. One of the more underrated tunes on U2's latest. What's my miracle drug? What would I give up romantic love for? I guess if you don't know the answer to that, you haven't been reading enough. Yeah, I know it's scary.

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

Baby, You're Right (Feat. Susan Tedeschi) ~ Derek Trucks Band
No lyrics for this one, dammit. But it's a good song, and it earned its place on this list. Trust me.

Feelin' Love ~ Paula Cole
Such a sensual, sexy, raunchy song. Yet Paula Cole makes it sound so pretty. And at the risk of sharing too much, it's oh so true.

Love, love

You make me feel like a sticky pistil...
leaning into a stamen
You make me feel like a mister sunshine...
Himself
You make me feel like splendor in the grass...
While we're rollin'
DAMN SKIPPY BABY
You make me feel like the Amazon's runnin' between...
my thighs

CHORUS:

You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love, love
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love

You make me feel like a candy apple
All red and horny
You make me feel like I wanna be a dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door
And I would open the door and...
I'd be all wet
With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt...
That I'm wearing
And you would open the door and tie...
Me up to the bed

Chorus:
Lover, but I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White? Am I Isis? Ohhh...
Lover, I'm laced with your unconscious
Oh baby babe babe baby
I will be your Desdemona ahhhhh...

Take your time

You make me feel Ahaa
You make me feel WooWoo baby
You make me feel Ahaa mmm
You make me feel loved

So yeah, there you have it. If there was any doubt that I was in love, this list should settle that question. And yes, this is all stuff I would say in person if I wasn't such a chickenshit afraid of fucking up things. Anyway, I think I need some sleep. I'm going to have a wicked hangover in a few hours …