Five days and counting ...

Hard to believe another year is just about done. If I do this properly, I could have material for the next few days. Not likely to happen, given my growing addiction to World of Warcraft …

In July, I will have lived in Idaho for five years. Five. Years. I never expected to stay here that long. And yet I don't have any compelling reason move. I think that might be why a lot of people stay here who have moved from other places. No, it's not the perfect place to live, but it's not horrible. It's tolerable. Yes, I miss the Bay Area. But the money goes relatively far here, and with the love life, I have no reason to want to move. I've said before that my life isn't perfect, but it is mine, and I'm OK with that. My life is better than it has any right to be. Well …

What I mean by that is I've recovered from this stuff pretty well. I'm surprised at how far I've come in six months. I have a job, I have an affordable place to live, I'm in love (dead horse, but dammit, I've never been happier) and I could get a promotion at work. I'm healthier, having lost a lot of weight with the divorce (heh … someone pointed out I lost about 170 pounds by getting rid of the ex). I'm not going to lie and say that every moment has been perfect. I still have those dark moments, those bouts with self-pity and doubt, the fear of rejection. That's not stuff I expect is going to disappear right away. But as time passes, I'm able to feel more confident, more certain about what my future could hold. I know I've found a guy I want to be with until he gets sick of me. And no, I'm still not going to put a label on that, as tempting as that might be for some people. It's like I told mom the other day: When you know, you just know. And you go with it.

I think that may be a theme for me in 2005. I don't make resolutions; if you're going to do something, you should do it because you want to, or it's something you should be doing anyway. January 1 doesn't wipe the slate clean. A new year doesn't mean none of the issues that dogged the previous year won't still be there. But it is a fresh 365. And since we are creatures of habit and creatures of time, I guess starting with a fresh calendar makes a difference. From a mental-health stand point, yes, I want June/July 2004 to be nuked. Everything from about August through the end of the year is what's going to be memorable to me. And I'm not going to drop the divorce thing, even though I should. I'm just going to look at it in a different light.

For now, 2004 is going to be the year that getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me, when I fell in love and was happier than I ever thought possible. It's the year I got back into the work I know I was meant to do (such as it is) and realized that you can be passionate about your work and still leave it at the office. It's the year I rediscovered myself and got my priorities in order.

That's a helluva spin job, I know. But I want the glass to be half full. I want to be optimistic. I don't want to be bitter, can't be bitter all the time. Cynical is one thing. I'd like to keep the destructive stuff to a minimum (hide all sharp objects then...)

I don't know where I'm going with this, and I'm sober. Guess I'll have to write more at a later date.