Token update

It's December. That's scary.

Been writing a lot in my other journal since no one reads this stuff anyway, and much of what I've had to say doesn't need sharing with the world. Work is OK; it's a job. Social life is good and that's what's keeping me sane. Still trying to unpack from the move and get situated; I made pretty decent progress Monday, then I had to go back to work. And it's tough to want to move stuff and unpack at 1 a.m. I haven't even played FFXI for like a month. I seriously suck.

Hard to believe the year is almost over. A lot of 2004 completely, totally sucked. I never want to go through any of that again. Yet in some surprising ways, it's been a great year. I need to ponder this a bit more, but the biggest thing was falling in love. After that, it's probably realizing I don't need the ex in my life. I'm not concerned with what he's doing, I don't care if he knows what I'm doing. I have no desire to contact him. That's actually a big deal for me.

I guess I never thought I'd make it this far. I've done pretty well for the most part, with the exception of a — let's call it another bout of self-doubt — last weekend. I've got some real issues with abandonment and rejection I need to work through. Thankfully, the wonderful man in my life is understanding and patient and not easily scared off. But of all the things I hate about what the ex did to me, it's this: His leaving made me vulnerable, made me afraid of scaring people off, made me question whether I'm worthy of the kind of relationship I'm in. His legacy is that I'm looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has nothing to do with the person I'm with and everything to do with me. It's a scary and unfamiliar feeling. I had some neurotic tendencies anyway; this doesn't help them. But I'll get through this, and get over it. Much like I did with the ex. There are really too many good things about my current situation to dwell on the negative.

Anyway, this got all serious and shit. I'm going to bed.

Posted: Fri - December 3, 2004 at 02:31 AM