You know...

Just had a thought as I was logging out of my game and getting ready to head to sleep.

I looked around the living room and realized this is my space. This is my stuff now. Yeah, I have weird thoughts like this at 4 a.m., when I should be asleep. Yeah, I know someone will yell at me for staying up so late. But anyway.

Aside from the fact this is my stuff, I was struck by the fact that I'm not married any more. That it's just me right now. Part of me is OK with that I guess. The other part desperately wants someone to share things with. Stupid things like I used to share with him — the geeky little moments from my game. Or some strange random thought I had. Or just having someone to fall asleep next to. I've mentioned in other writings that I've got great friends, and I do. But there are just some things you can't get from your friends. I've gotten very close to a few people during all this, and I'm very grateful for that. I guess I'm looking for a deeper connection, something to help fill the emptiness I feel at this hour.

I should be happy I haven't been fighting that as much. Working has made a difference. Being at a small enough paper where I make an immediate impact has been good for my ego and has helped diminish the sense of worthlessness I had after the layoff. The divorce had a lot to do with me letting go with a lot of the layoff shit. Yeah, I still have some resentment, but I can laugh about it a little bit now. I know what it will take to fill the emptiness. It's not so much that I have to have a man in my life; the men I've been involved with have been more than just boyfriends or lovers. At least the recent ones. When you're with someone for five or six years, there's a connection, a bond. You know each other pretty well, can finish each other's thoughts and sentences. I lost my best friend in the divorce. I don't think we'll ever be that close again, I don't know if I can rebuild that trust. That's gone for me, as well it should be. He's off with her, and from what I've heard from people who work with him, he doesn't seem all that happy.

When we got together when he ended his first marriage, it was like he was a different person. He's a different person now, but he's not happy like he was when we got together. I haven't spent much time with him, haven't spoken with him since I told him off last week. An e-mail or two, that's it. I'm to the point where i couldn't give a shit.

Despite the fact he's an asshole, I miss us. I miss what we had together, and I guess that's what I'm looking for. I don't have a clue when I'll find that. I think I can find it again, but when? I promised a few people I'd take time for me, to figure out who I am and what it is I want. One of my oldest friends said I've been with someone the whole time she's known me; I need to find me. My oldest friend said he hopes I do make time for me because I have been given a second chance, to make things right for me.

I guess the big revelation here is that I should be with someone. I have a lot to offer. It sounds egotistical, and I don't like to talk about myself in this way. But just because *he* didn't want to be with me doesn't mean there isn't someone out there for me. I don't know that the person I've been trying to hook up with is "the one." The times we talked before the divorce happened, he made me happy. It took me awhile to realize when he came into the store, he was coming to see me. The times we talked afterwards were a lot of fun, and at the very least there's mutual attraction. I'm not sure what his intentions are, and my expectations will be based on that. He's just so fucking difficult to get in touch with. I haven't given up, but I'm not making a huge effort. I e-mailed him Thursday or Friday saying we should hook up because I burned some CDs for him. Haven't heard a peep. Whatever happens, happens I guess. I suppose I have enough to do around the house that I've neglected recently.

I just want someone to share stuff with. I want a companion. I want what I had, but with the knowledge and security that this time, it will be forever. That whoever I end up with will take those marriage vows seriously. That we'll work to keep the relationship alive. That maybe I can be happier than I was with him. That I can show him I've moved on and my life is pretty fucking OK. That I've gotten my revenge by living well. That he made a huge mistake by pushing me away. I've got enough of my ego left where I do want him to realize he was wrong and that I came out of this better than he did. Material goods wise, I know I did. I'm talking emotionally right now. I think I've handled this better than he has, though I'm sure he'd argue against that. I know where I was two months ago. I know where I am now. I've made progress, though I don't always want to admit that I have. Him? Hell, he's sharing his feelings with one person. How healthy is that?

I re-read that last graph. I'm already looking for someone to be with for the long haul. I don't know how realistic that is; I do know I don't want to go through guy after guy before I find the one I want to be with. The idea of dating is fairly unappealing. I guess I'm hoping that if I don't look too hard, something will fall into my lap. I can dream, right?

Oh. Don't like my idealism? Fuck off. I didn't ask you.

(Hehe … I've wanted to see that in print for some time. Am I kidding? Well, if the shoe fits …)