All fled, all done

So my marriage is over officially, legally. Yeah, it was over when he said it was over — for him. But for me, well, marriage is more than a piece of paper. And oddly enough it took a piece of paper (several of them) to say it was over. Technically, it was over Friday. Day 50 of this whole fucking mess. For the record, this is Day 53.

A bit of a downer, but this fits the end of my marriage I think:

All fled, all done,
so lift me on the pyre;
The feast is over
and the lamps expire.

Robert E. Howard's epitaph. The last words he typed before he killed himself.

There is closure in a legal sense, but emotionally, that will take longer. I don't know how long. I don't know if finding a relationship would be to take my mind off this, or because I really, truly want to be with this person — if that's what he wants.

I do know several things right now.

- I need to get through today, and I will get through it. This isn't even close to my worst day. But it still hurts. This isn't even about him right now, as odd as that sounds. It's about me getting forced to do something I never wanted to do because he said I had no say.
- In light of that, I'm still angry. Fuck him. Fuck him for making me feel this way. I swear to god I will not let him get to me like this in the future. But today, today of all days … it's allowed. I never wanted this.
- A certain someone needs to call or e-mail me this week because I'd really like to see him.
- Another certain someone, who unfortunately lives on the other side of the country, has expressed his desire to ravage my body and do all sorts of naughty things. I whole-heartedly support this endeavor, and were it not for the fucking insane distance, I'd be inclined to call in sick so he could have his way with me when he was done with work. Partially because I'm tired of the emotional pain, but mostly because I need to get laid and I know we would have a great time. And I'm extremely curious about sex with him given some of our *cough* conversations the past few weeks. And he says I'm hot. Add that to the list of reasons why I think he's a great guy.