Work, work, work...

I get to be back there in about 12 hours, so I’ll be heading to sleep pretty quick here. Another busy night. We were behind a bit since there were two of us and it was a 10-page section. I ended up doing... half of it I think. Would’ve been OK, except they told us we needed to be early because there were problems with the press. And the main didn’t get plated until late anyway.

But, I’ve got one more prototype page to crank out. Not sure if I like the one I did, but it’s finished. The second one will leave space for the strip ad (barf). On top of that, with casualties from the war at 974, we’re going to do a page for the 1,000th casualty. I get to (help) design that. We’re going to try to run mugs of our people, and maybe do something special for No. 1000. I’m thinking of an Abraham Lincoln quote. This is from the Gettysburg Address:

It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Not completely sure about that, though...

Anyway, between needing a new set of contacts and being tired, can’t keep the eyes focused very well.

Oh. This is the poem that inspired “Mercy Street.”

45 Mercy Street ~ Anne Sexton
In my dream,
drilling into the marrow
of my entire bone,
my real dream,
I’m walking up and down Beacon Hill
searching for a street sign --
namely MERCY STREET.
Not there.

I try the Back Bay.
Not there.
Not there.
And yet I know the number.
45 Mercy Street.
I know the stained-glass window
of the foyer,
the three flights of the house
with its parquet floors.
I know the furniture and
mother, grandmother, great-grandmother,
the servants.
I know the cupboard of Spode
the boat of ice, solid silver,
where the butter sits in neat squares
like strange giant’s teeth
on the big mahogany table.
I know it well.
Not there.

Where did you go?
45 Mercy Street,
with great-grandmother
kneeling in her whale-bone corset
and praying gently but fiercely
to the wash basin,
at five A.M.
at noon
dozing in her wiggy rocker,
grandfather taking a nap in the pantry,
grandmother pushing the bell for the downstairs maid,
and Nana rocking Mother with an oversized flower
on her forehead to cover the curl
of when she was good and when she was...
And where she was begat
and in a generation
the third she will beget,
me,
with the stranger’s seed blooming
into the flower called Horrid.

I walk in a yellow dress
and a white pocketbook stuffed with cigarettes,
enough pills, my wallet, my keys,
and being twenty-eight, or is it forty-five?
I walk. I walk.
I hold matches at street signs
for it is dark,
as dark as the leathery dead
and I have lost my green Ford,
my house in the suburbs,
two little kids
sucked up like pollen by the bee in me
and a husband
who has wiped off his eyes
in order not to see my inside out
and I am walking and looking
and this is no dream
just my oily life
where the people are alibis
and the street is unfindable for an
entire lifetime.

Pull the shades down --
I don’t care!
Bolt the door, mercy,
erase the number,
rip down the street sign,
what can it matter,
what can it matter to this cheapskate
who wants to own the past
that went out on a dead ship
and left me only with paper?

Not there.

I open my pocketbook,
as women do,
and fish swim back and forth
between the dollars and the lipstick.
I pick them out,
one by one
and throw them at the street signs,
and shoot my pocketbook
into the Charles River.
Next I pull the dream off
and slam into the cement wall
of the clumsy calendar
I live in,
my life,
and its hauled up
notebooks.

"Forever Today"

Yeah, I’m stuck on that song. Just a little bit. It starts out somber and serious and orchestral, then it really takes off in a big techno/trance sorta way. It’s a good soundtrack for where I am. “Forever Today” ... whether today is good, bad, tiring, fun, whatever. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m trying to say. Don’t know, don’t care. Didn’t have nearly enough caffeine today. Should’ve gone to bed hours ago, but oh well.

Things are starting to pick up at work. I’ve got some really good ideas for the redesign stuff, and will hopefully get my prototype page done tomorrow night. I do get the feeling I’ll be dealing with the pages I’m making prototypes for. Tonight was relatively easy, aside from writing my editorial and dealing with the 22-year-old. Editorial turned out OK, I guess. They’re all “OK” but never great. They seem to make the boss and the publisher happy enough. Could be getting my schedule changed with some of the shuffling of personnel that happened last week. JB is working days, which will make his wife happy. We’re looking for another copy editor to take his spot at night. I guess if I end up with a Monday-Friday sked, I won’t complain. Heck, Sunday-Monday off would make me pretty happy with football season starting. Then again, the social life is surviving (just barely) even with the current days off. Not having to be at work until 4 p.m. doesn’t hurt either.

Headed downtown with a few folks from the office last (Saturday) night. Stayed away from the college bars; one of the alehouses wasn’t too crowded so we sat outside and talked. Makes me wish I had started to hangout downtown sooner, but better late than never. I think it could turn into a regular thing with the Friday/Saturday night crew. Oh yeah. Ended up doing that since S didn’t call. Like I didn’t see that one coming. I’ve got nothing but time, so why rush anything?

And it appears the trip south is off. Still no word on the money (big shock there), and I can’t really miss that many days of work without pay. Would’ve been nice to visit folks, but shit happens I guess. I will still take time off and go to the mountains with the girls and tack on a day to recover. If I do it that way, I only miss 3 days of work. Or we might be able to shift my weekend so I come back Tuesday and then work straight through to the next Wednesday. Long week, but I miss one day of work that way.

In looking at the calendar, it appears what would’ve been my anniversary falls during my weekend. A good thing, since that’s probably going to be a good day to either get drunk or cry or both. Or fuck it. Have a party. That’s a possibility.

Oh, made another playlist yesterday. That means more lyrics.

The Shining
Badly Drawn Boy

Faith pours from your walls, drowning your calls
I’ve tried to hear, you’re not near
Remembering when I saw your face, shining my way, pure timing
Now I’ve fallen in deep, slow silent sleep
It’s killing me, I’m dying

To put a little bit of sunshine in your life
Soleil all over you
warm sun pours over me
Soleil all over you
Warm sun

Now this slick fallen rift came like a gift
Your body moves ever nearer
And you will dry this tear
Now that we’re here, and grieve for me, not history
But now I’m dry of thoughts, wait for the rain
Then it’s replaced, sun setting

And suddenly you’re in love with everything

Soleil all over you, warm sun pours over me
Soleil all over you
Warm sun

This one’s been a favorite for a long time. A lot of people say this is a pretty depressing song and include it on break-up playlists somewhat frequently. I’ve never really seen it that way, but I think I can understand. Then again, for whatever damn reason, I’m much more of an optimist since my break-up. No real reason for it. Chalk another one up to “shit happens.”

Er, OK...

Well, last night didn’t go exactly as I expected. But that’s not a bad thing, I suppose. I ended up going out to dinner and heading downtown, but it wasn’t with the person I left voicemail for. S actually called me last night as I was preparing for an exciting night of watching the Olympics.

After dinner, we headed downtown, mostly because the bars in town were ... fairly scary, were having karaoke night or were sports bars. And we figured it would be a good chance to do some people watching. We went to this piano bar that hasn’t been open for too long (it used to be a really cool Irish pub, dammit), found a spot to sit at the back of the bar, and ended up hanging out there until closing. After that, we went back to the restaurant to get his car and ended up talking until about 5 this morning. He’s supposed to call me tonight. We’ll see.

The bar wasn’t bad. The piano players were pretty decent. They had four musicians who rotated through... it was two people on piano most of the time and one person on drums. One drummer was pretty boring, and he didn’t play piano (thankfully). The other two were good. With school in session, the crowd skewed more toward the college-aged folks. I had all kinds of thoughts about the crowd last night that I planned on writing about, but I’m just not feeling that creative right now. Today’s my Monday. I’m pretty screwed for the rest of the week. And I get to head in a bit earlier today to work on a project I’m not sure I’ll have time for tomorrow. At least I can guarantee getting out at 11.

Anyway, I hope I get the energy/creativity to write about some of these people at the bar. We’ll see.

I don’t remember very many poems from AP English in high school because it was a such a long time ago. But I do remember liking Robert Frost because his writing was pretty cut and dried. These three are pretty straight forward. I’m pretty sure we went over these at some point my senior year. I know I’ve read them each at least once. “Acquainted with the Night” might’ve been an essay question. “Nothing Gold Can Stay” is one we might’ve done my junior year in honors’ English. And “The Road Not Taken” ... well, that one definitely applies to my situation. Hell, they all do in some way. Maybe that’s why I remembered them. Still kind of odd that I haven’t thought about them in more than 14 years, but they’re relevant at this moment. I must’ve forgotten a big chunk of something to get the synapses firing the right way.

And yeah, copying and pasting is a cop-out since I didn’t really have anything intelligent to post today but wanted to have something in this space. It’s best I skipped Wednesday in this particular journal, since apparently writing anything after having something to drink is a bad idea. Now I know why I never wrote drunk in college. God knows why I decided it would be a good idea to start now.

Yeah, I need to get my shit together. Sooner rather than later, I think. Need to find that list I wrote back in April or May about the stuff I wanted to accomplish this summer. I’ve done some of it — losing weight, eating better. Now I need to do the tougher stuff — cleaning regularly, sorting through my shit (and his now too), sticking to a budget and some other stuff I can’t remember. Can’t put it off any longer. Going through the stuff here is a pretty big part to me leaving him behind. I had a moment of self-pity when I thought about them together ... how it should still be us, not them. Then the moment passed. It keeps trying to pop back into my head, and I keep shoving it away. I guess it’s good that I can do that. So there. That was a mini-update of sorts. As if it matters.

Anyway, enjoy Robert Frost.

NOTHING GOLD CAN STAY
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.


ACQUAINTED WITH THE NIGHT
I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
O luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.


THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

When?

I’ve said in the past that you can’t wake up one day and feel different, that any significant change takes time. I think I was in denial when I said that.

My moments don’t come when I wake up; I’m not ever that coherent, especially if I’m waking up, say, at 10 a.m. These moments seem to come to me when I’m doing something else and my mind wanders. You fall into a familiar thought pattern and then suddenly you realize that you don’t feel that way any more. I’ve had a few of those moments recently.

One of those involved the ex, and my realization that while things he does infuriate me, I couldn’t give a shit for the most part. I’m ready to get my shit in gear, and to hell with him. There’s a fine line between indifference and just letting things roll like water off a duck. I’d still like to digest things, but let them slide right off, if that makes any sense.

Another of those moments was when I realized a relationship could be good for me for something besides the physical stuff. Yeah sure, that would be nice, but the whole companionship/someone to do stuff with aspect really appeals to me right now. I’m not in any rush, I’m really not. Well, I keep telling myself that at least. I guess I’m looking to make some kind of connection somewhere. I don’t know. I guess I’m still sorting that stuff out. At this hour, who the hell knows.

Work was OK tonight. We were pretty busy, so not a whole lot of time for goofing off. Especially when we found out just about all of the pages we sent to film had to be re-sent. And this was after the pre-start on the press. That was a fucking joy. Didn’t get out of there until close to 1:30.

On top of that, I was completely wiped out. Caffeine didn’t help me a whole lot, which is a shame because I had enough of it, dammit.

Anyway, should head to sleep, or at least give it a try.

What's a slot?!

Tonight, we were once again reminded that our place of employment is a … teaching publication. That is to say, it’s definitely entry-level with high turnover. The few of us there who have experience are being reminded of this more frequently every day.

In newspapers, the person who is in charge of the section is traditionally know as “the slot.” This comes from the old days of typewriters and lead type when the copy desk was arranged in a horse-shoe shape and the slot basically sat in the middle. This editor was responsible for reading all copy before it was typeset — making final edits, rewriting headlines and so on. He was the authority. He had accountability. He was the editor with the answers. With pagination and universal copy desks, the slot is usually the person who lays out the section front. I guess they aren’t teaching this stuff in school any more — especially at schools that 1) don’t have a daily paper and 2) don’t have a J-school.

When my friend and colleague asked “the kid” who was slotting, the kid said, “who’s doing what?” My only defense was to bang my head on the desk. This same youthful individual isn’t as bright as he thinks he is; he’s in over his head, and everyone in the newsroom who’s there at night can see it. Anyway, we had to explain what the term meant. “Oh, I’ve never heard that before,” he said. Gah. This same individual has a title. Yeah, it scares a lot of people, not just me.

All things being equal, this is still a better gig than my last newspaper job. Very little pressure and/or stress, at least thus far. When I saw how shitty my art was for my local page, all I could do was laugh. It was horrible. I'm sure the guy on the city desk thought I was nuts, but I might as well find humor in the stuff. Getting angry won't do any good; I don't get paid enough to let the job take that kind of an emotional toll on me. Besides, for the most part, I seem to be having fun.

Like I mentioned yesterday, the frustrating thing with this unseasoned editor is that he thinks he knows everything. He has poor news judgment and his decision-making skill are … those of a 22-year-old. He speaks without thinking, he prints things out on proof assuming people will catch them. Hey dipshit, don't proof out a page when you aren't at least 90 percent certain about the stuff that's on it. He might know the rules of grammar, but he has a lot to learn about the way newspapers work. So when you ask the opinion of someone who first worked at a newspaper in 1989, it might be a good idea to follow that advice. When your editor tells you to look for a mug shot early in the day, that clearly isn't saying "no, don't run that." It means, get on it so we don't have to scan in a shitty mug from 20 years ago at 9 p.m. Fucking open your ears and listen. I'm trying really hard to be patient, but there will come a day …

...

It's been an amazingly long time since I've wanted to write anything about work. I guess it's just the lack of anything else to write about for now. Co-worker was off today, but is back tomorrow, so I’ll have that for entertainment. The kid is off, so hip-hip-fucking-hooray. Still no word from S, but whatever. I might've liked to go to the fair, but I'll probably skip it since I don't want to go alone. I'd only be going for the food to begin with.

In other news, REI still has that cool backpack on sale, and I think I'll pick it up after I get paid. I don't trust my Eddie Bauer pack with the laptop, and the Brenthaven case is such a pain to lug around. Besides, I can stow my lunch in the REI pack. I'm tired of switching bags every few days. Yeah, I'm a retard. But my life is boring and things like this are mildly exciting. And no, I don't have some kind of sickness when it comes to backpacks, despite what you might have heard.

Fairly easy night tonight. Well, with the exception of someone just being too new at doing any of this stuff. I mean, jeez, be a little younger. But anyway.

Heck, I’m not even sure what I feel like writing about tonight. I’m not playing my game so I can write, listen to music and find some more CDs. And I draw a blank. Go figure.

I guess one of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is ... fairly mushy stuff. Kissing, hugging, being held ... the kind of stuff I haven’t had in a long time. I guess the frightening thing about that is that I had a dream about kissing several different people the other night. Two of them I wasn’t surprised about. One completely blew me away, and I’m still not sure what to make of it, other than the fact I’ve been thinking about this person a little bit more than I thought I would. One has an extremely high probability of happening; the other, well, someday I suppose; the “mystery guest” ... I really, really don’t know either way. “No” wouldn’t hurt my feelings; “yes” would be interesting, to say the least.

Anyway, after a conversation with a good friend about kissing the other night, I guess I gave the subject a lot of thought, which would explain the dream. I’ve been with many different types of kissers: good, bad, average, you name it. There were guys who just couldn’t wait to shove their tongues down my throat (um, no) and others who were more patient and waited for things to develop. Then there were the ones where you wondered how they got though life without a bib and drool cup (again, um, no). The best ones were the patient ones. Start out slow, especially if you haven’t kissed each other before. Figure out what’s going on, then go from there. It really is an art form when done correctly. And I’ll agree that a make-out session can top sex — with the right person. It’s quite enjoyable with the right person. Add the right setting, and … wow.

Out of the three men in my dream ... all three were pretty good. One was as good as advertised. Bachelor No. 2 was good, mostly because he’s got a naughty side; and the mystery guest was a pleasant surprise. Plenty of food for thought at least. My vote is for less thought and more action.

No, uh … ewww …

After staying away from fast food for more than two months, I thought it would be a great idea to skip my original dinner plans last night (a 6” turkey) at Subway and head to Wendy’s, which is slightly closer to the office. “Spicy chicken sandwich. Yeah, that’ll be good.” Hahahaha no.

One of the problems with staying away from fast food and processed foods in general is that it would seem one’s body forgets how to deal with all of that junk. Caffeine, sugar, that stuff is no problem. But throw in some french fries, a spicy deep-fried hunk of chicken and it’s a recipe for disaster. At least to my system, apparently. The resulting … trauma … is enough to get me to stick to my semi-healthy kick.

But that’s OK. I don’t need to eat that shit. Salads or sandwiches are about as far as I’m going to go if I don’t bring food from home. Eating out every night has lost its appeal; it adds up in a hurry, and frankly, a lot of the food is just shitty.

Besides, it’s a pretty cool ego trip to be able to get into pants I haven’t worn in like, 3 or 4 years.

Weirdness

Kind of an odd night at work. We were pretty pressed for time — more than normal, it seemed. Found out some interesting things about the co-worker, like the fact he doesn’t own a TV. He’s an odd one, but he’s still intriguing. Not in any real rush; sure, I’d like to become friends with him, but I’m not going anywhere for a while, and neither is he. He at least read my e-mail from the other night. He’s probably unsure what to make of it, and I’m not going to press the issue. We did chat for a bit tonight. He asked how long I was married, I gave him the very abbreviated edition of things, adding that I don’t mind sharing, I just don’t want to do it at the office necessarily. Heh. I did notice his has pretty eyes. Brown ones... I usually go for blue. Then again, S has brown eyes too. Yeah, I’m shameless. What can I say?

Like I’ve said before. A relationship at work could be pretty weird, and I’m trying to avoid weirdness in my life right now. I can look, however. Co-worker does have a nice smile. Between the co-worker and friendly e-mails (not from him, lol), the nights go by pretty nicely. Now if only I’d hear from S some time before the next ice age …

...

In other news, I get to blame *someone* for getting me hooked on another band: Xploding Plastix. Can’t really describe their music, other than it’s really cool, and that my new favorite songs has banjos in it. Yes, that is correct. Banjos. And they are good. Off to find more of their tunes.

Day 64

There are times when I just need to be hit in the head with a hammer. I found this song online and the first thought I had was that I should e-mail it to him because I know he’s been looking for it. Then I remembered. Oh yeah. I’m getting fucked over. Never mind.

I hate it when I get like this. I don’t want to fall back to where I was a few months ago. I don’t want to think I need his approval. I can’t move backwards.

Too bad. This is a pretty neat version of Clocks.

Here we go again

Add another one to the list.

3. Do not play me. Don’t fucking toy with my emotions. Don’t guilt trip me. Don’t do any of that childish shit because you’re fucked up. Don’t take advantage of my kindness and desire for friendship, or the fact that I give people the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, another thought that occurred to me in the car before the insurance lady called me. I don’t give a shit about you moving on with your life. I don’t give a shit that you don’t have enough money to buy her what she wants. You made me a fucking promise, and then you have the nerve to try and get me to feel guilty because I want you to keep your word? You’re not a man. You were fucking right on when you said that today. You weren’t being a man when you told me to take everything; you wanted the easy way out. And you’re still not a man because your word means shit. You’re a fucking coward, and you always will be.

Fuck you. God dammed motherfucking zero.

Oh yeah

Thought train derailed after talking to an insurance agent for 30 minutes.

In addition to the rules I have for myself, I’ve come up with some for people who wish to be a part of my life.

1. Do not lie to me. Plain and simple. Don’t do it. I’ll fucking write you off. Tell the truth, no matter what. Sure, issues may arise out that, but that’s stuff that can be worked through. Withholding information from me will do nothing for you except make me lose trust. If you lie to me repeatedly, fucking forget it. If I stick to that, I won’t let things get that far.

2. Keep your promises. If you make a promise, fucking keep it. I don’t care about your bullshit excuses. If you have a good reason why you can’t do something, that is different than an excuse. Don’t make a promise and then tell me, “Oh, I changed my mind” because you’re a big pussy and can’t go through with something. Do that, and you’re an automatic zero in my book. Good luck digging yourself out of that. Recent events have forced me to take a pretty hard-line stance on this. People who are my friends should have no problem with this.

Ultimately, this all comes down to honesty and trust. It’s not a lot to ask. I’m to the point now where I’ll be brutally honest because I don’t give a flying fuck. Life is too short to pussyfoot around and bullshit. Fuck that. That’s not who I am, it’s not what I’m about. I frequently say too much, but if I say how I feel, then that’s how I feel. It may be awkward for a bit if I’ve made some great disclosure, but that will pass in time. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. You can’t possibly hurt me more than Zero did (yes, I have decided to call him that now). Honesty and trust can be uncomfortable. But anything worth having will take work, be that friendship or something romantic. It doesn’t matter with me. You fuck me over on either of those, and I will be very unforgiving. It comes down to what I have invested in it, and future gains. I will be selfish about this. I will not be fucked over again.

I will not be fucked over again.

Clarification

Let me make this very clear. I don’t hate Tom. I don’t feel anything toward him any more. Certainly not today. I’m indifferent. Hate would require energy. I sure as hell don’t feel any love. God no. He’s just another person I need to interact with occasionally. Yeah, there's more to it than that, but I won't let there be.

Yes, I’m sure I’m kidding myself. I’m sure this is some other form of denial. It’s better than giving in to the rage and anger that is very close to the surface right now.

It’s like the song said. “I feel numb.”

...

I don’t even know how to put this into words. I don’t even know if I fucking care any more.

Tom just left, after showing up later than he said he would. Things got off to a great start. After I handed him his mail, we had this entertaining exchange. I may not know what to make of all this, but I can write dialog.

“Have you thought about getting a roommate?”
No, I don’t want a fucking roommate.
“Well then how are you going to be able to afford this? I can’t pay you for the six months.”
Oh, I’m sorry. You what? There you go again, changing the rules in the middle of the game again.
“I don’t have to give you anything. I can’t afford it. I need to get on with my life.”
So this is another broken promise? I guess we’ll add that to the list.
“I can do three months. When I get the insurance check, I’ll give all of that to you.”
OK, look. First you said 12 months. Then you got me down to 6. Now you’re saying 3? I knew I should’ve gotten this shit in writing.
“Well, you got everything. No one would’ve agreed to that.”
Listen, you told me to take everything. So I did. And now you’re going to bitch about it? I don’t think so.

He grabbed the phone bill and cable bill and said he’d pay those because he didn’t want me fucking up his credit. He actually said he was going to cancel them and make me sign up for shit again. What. The. Fuck. I said fuck that, I need a phone. And you’re not canceling shit; we can put stuff in my name. And I asked him why he had to be a dick about this. “I’m not trying to be a dick. You’re just bad with bills and I can’t have my credit get screwed again.” Oh, gee, like I wouldn’t pay for things I use? Thanks.

More rehashing the same points. He says he doesn’t want to be an asshole, even though he’s being one. I said I’d cancel my trip, then decided fuck it, no I won’t. I just won’t go for 2 weeks. I can’t afford to lose that much in wages since it will be unpaid leave.

He keeps saying I can’t afford to stay here, that I need a roommate or that I need to move. Why the fuck does he think I can’t do this? He said stuff about living paycheck-to-paycheck, and how I shouldn’t have to do that. Oh wow, now’s the time to be all fucking concerned for my well being. Jesus fuck.

There’s more to this than I’m writing. It’s boring. It’s the same stuff we end up rehashing. The bottom line is this: He’s a fucking zero. 0. That’s him. He doesn’t rate. I will waste no effort on him. He exists, but only because of what we used to have. I don’t give a fuck about him and her. They could both die. I don’t know that I’d care. I’m not wishing ill upon him, but god dammit. You keep breaking promises to me — and this isn’t little stuff. This is life-changing shit. Fuck that. I will not play that game. I will not fucking make the effort.

I’m done.

Buzzzzzzzzzz

Oh man. So in addition to my normal 1 liter bottle of Diet Coke at work today, a few of us trekked across the street to the old stop n rob for snacks. Had a break in the action when we were supposed to go snag some coffee, but that didn’t work out because things got busy.

Anyway, since I was dragging and in need of caffeine, I picked up a can of that energy drink Mountain Dew makes — it’s called Amp and it’s pretty tasty. These are small cans. They’re very stylish. Needless to say, some 6+ hours later, I’m still wired. Not jittery, but to the point where I can function without feeling like I should be falling asleep. I think I may have just stumbled upon a story idea for our re-done features/lifestyle page. It would involve a variety of energy drinks, a blog and very little sleep for me. I’ll see.

But yeah. It’s damn near 5:30 and I’m still awake. I don’t feel ready for bed. The only thing that’s a little bit off are my eyes, but I did fall asleep with my contacts in last night. Or whatever day that was, darn it. I wish I had energy drinks like this when I was in college. Christ. Staying up would’ve been a piece of cake. I’m fairly certain if I get into bed I’ll be able to fall asleep. I’m sort of curious how long I could stay up. As least I know the stuff does work; and I thought I might’ve needed two cans of the stuff. Glad I didn’t do that. Can you tell from my writing at all that the mind is working a little faster? Maybe? A little? Can you tell???

Not much to report on the flirting front. The co-worker asked about my previous place of employment this afternoon, and I told him I’d give him the scoop, just not there at work. So before I left (at 1:30 a.m. ... sigh), I sent him an e-mail letting him know he could give me a call if he wanted to chat about that stuff. And I included my (personal) e-mail address (gasp!). I mentioned I didn’t want to say something in front of the guys; I’m fairly certain we both would’ve gotten teased if I had said something. It’ll be very interesting to see if I hear from him. I think he works through Saturday. Tough to read. I remember him from when I had my interview; heh, he made an impression on me. My first day, he definitely checked me out — and I was weirded out by that. The last few days … I guess I’ve let my guard down. I wonder if that’s because there could be something on the horizon with S and I’m feeling more relaxed, hard to say. Co-worker seriously checked me out in the meeting today. I’ve made eye contact with him a few of the times I’ve noticed it, but didn’t this time, and watched him from the corner of my eye. I am “the new girl” so it’s to be expected, I suppose. He and I are among the few single people there I guess. Eh fuck. I’m rambling now. I do think co-worker will make a good friend, despite the fact there are some definite political and religious differences (I’ve heard he’s relatively religious). But to his credit, he doesn’t mention that stuff a whole lot. Not like some of the folks I’ve noticed around there.

Still no word from S. Not worried about it. I think it will be fun when we finally get together. It would be nice if that was some time soon, however. Sheesh man, get your shit together.

GAH. I’m still not tired. Well, physically, I feel tired because I’ve been up since about 10:30. I guess I should try to sleep. Even if I don’t sleep for long, I can always go buy more ... AMP!

OK, I yawned again. I’ll at least go get into bed. I make no promises for sleep, however.

What. The. Fuck.

So I get an e-mail from Capt. Asshole today.

BTW, what’s up with the divorce?

I haven’t replied yet, mostly because the reply would go something like this:

“What the fuck do you think is up with the divorce? It’s fucking done. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Did you really expect me to go out of my way and let you know when it was done? Wasn’t it enough that I filed the fucking paperwork because you were too goddamned busy to do it yourself? I didn’t fucking want this. You get your fucking way, and expect a motherfucking announcement from me? Fuck you. Yeah, I finally said it. Fuck you for this. Fuck you for everything, you lying, cheating, chickenshit excuse for a man. And I will be angry. You’re in no position to judge me or tell me how to feel. Fuck no.

“So it should be pretty clear by now why I didn’t tell you the second I got the paperwork. You and that bitch are the only ones who are happy about this. Wait. Let me amend that. I’m happy about it now, especially since I realized what a fucking asshole you are and how stupid you are for leaving me. I know I have a lot to offer. If you’re too fucking stupid to see that, then it’s your loss. This could’ve lasted forever (marriage vows anyone?), but you were too fucking chicken to try and fix it, to fix yourself. That’s the problem. It wasn’t us. It’s you, god dammit. And when your “relationship” with her is over, don’t think for a second I’ll welcome you back with open arms. I might be there to listen when you need a friend. Unlike you, I don’t fucking desert my friends. I don’t turn people away because of things like money. Maybe that makes me stupid, but there’s a little something called loyalty that is a big part of my make up. You might need to get a dictionary and look it up since you have no concept of what this means.

“Funny how you thought I was the one who would never understand. Clearly, you’re the one without a clue. You still don’t get it. And until you do, you’re doomed to fail at relationships. I would’ve given you a chance. Fuck that now. Fuck you, you shallow, pathetic, selfish little boy. Fuck you for all of this. But most of all, fuck you for hurting me. Sorry doesn’t cut it any more. Asshole.”

---

Needless to say, my reply will be something like: “It’s done. What did you think was up with it?”

I swear to fucking god, there are days when taking the high road sucks...

Two great things

You’d never think that cellos playing metal could work well, but they do. One of the discoveries this past week was a band called Apocalyptica. And as luck would have it, I found four of their albums online. And they will be joining my iTunes library quite soon. Not right now; I’m burning them to CD after converting them from .ogg files. Silly Linux people, coming up with their own audio format. Hah. Thank god for Quicktime Pro, and people who write plugins.

Anyway, this stuff is probably some of the best driving music I’ve ever heard. I’ll put it to the test on the iPod when I drive to work tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see how it sounds through the Bose first. Hehe... my Bose. He said I could keep whatever I wanted, dammit.

There was a lot of anger in my last entry. It was good to get that stuff out. I did get a reply to the e-mail I wrote.

I’m sorry about how that came out.

Yet another case of someone not thinking. I actually felt sort of bad. Then I was gently reminded that “he can suck down a huge bag of beetle shit” and I didn’t feel bad any more. Then there was some strange geographical discussion that won’t really be resolved until Thursday or something. Potatoes and moonshine. Go figure.

Tomorrow is my Friday. Tough to believe, but it is very welcome. Been a busy week. I’m still pretty amused that one of my co-workers offered me money to bring him food; he was impressed with my dinner Monday night and wanted to know if I’d bring extra for him. I guess he wants home cooking. I suggested he find a female or something, since I never packed lunches for my husband when I was married. He’s an odd one. I think his biggest problem is that he’s on the conservative side and is a bit of a loser when it comes to women. Nice enough guy; kind of weirded me out at first, but he’s harmless and I find him amusing. He’s so easy to tease, poor guy. There’s something endearing about him … I’m not sure what it is. He’s kinda fun to flirt with, he’s a decent writer and he works hard. The guys on the desk ride him pretty hard, but he’s basically a nice guy. I feel bad for him sometimes, and I’ve made an effort to be nice to him.

Hey, when you’re single, you tend to look at people differently, OK? It’s been forever since I’ve looked at men in a way where I considered if they’d make good friends or could be more than friends. With the co-worker, I’m open to being friends. A work relationship thing just isn’t happening — especially not at a place that small, even if I wanted it to. Just too much weirdness. Besides, I’ve got a full enough plate for now. Not that anything has been scheduled locally (yet), but I’m far too intrigued by S to let that go. Then there’s that other deal on the horizon. That should be a lot of fun, especially since it looks like the travel plans will come together. Heh.

So much for getting to bed by 3. I’ve slept well the past few nights, so I’m not too worried.

*yawn*

Another late night... I didn’t play my game tonight, either. I worked on an art project, surfed and tried to figure out what to write for this space tonight.

You know, I’ve had these Post-It notes up around the house since this shit started. I don’t think I need them any more. I’m getting on with my life; I’ve (some how) managed to stay strong and I’ve gotten over him. Today is Day 60. Hard to believe it’s been two months. It feels like it’s gone by too fast; on the other hand, it feels like I’ve been alone for a long time. I really do feel like a different person. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I think it is. I’m laughing again, flirting again — things I didn’t think I’d be capable of when he left. My confidence is returning, thanks to the fact I made the right choice in taking this job. I’m optimistic about getting into a relationship; I want to be with someone so I can share what I have to offer. Moving forward seems easier now. Before, I wasn’t sure if I could get through the end of each day. Now that the divorce is final … freedom is quite welcome.

Anyway, time for bed. At least falling asleep has gotten easier. My conscience is clear. The same can’t be said for someone else.

It begins

Just fired off an e-mail to S. We’ll see how that goes.

I can’t imagine going to bars and meeting people. He’s an attractive option because I know him, and he’s expressed an interest. But picking up people in bars or clubs isn’t the least bit appealing to me. At least we’re both old enough where what you see is what you get. Aside from this initial getting-together period, where we’re trying to figure out what where we stand, things should be pretty straight forward. No need for games; I don’t want games. I’m too old for that shit anyway. You want to be with me? Great. Let’s give it a try. Want to be friends, hey, I can do that too. Want to spend the night? Want me to cook you dinner? I’m easy, I’m willing, just don’t take advantage of me. I won’t take advantage of you either. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m “hot.” Still getting used to that idea, despite the fact the person who has said this is something of an authority on the matter. I’m not used to thinking of myself in that way; I’m just me.

But don’t think for a second I won’t try to use that to my advantage. It would be silly not to, right? ;-)

Patience

I was right. I got chastised for staying up so late. But I won’t stay up too late tonight. I’m beat, I need to change my contacts and I’m nice and relaxed any ready to fall into bed. By 3 a.m.

So I finally got e-mail from someone tonight! It was quite a pleasant surprise when I got home. Capt. Dipshit didn’t bother to reply to my note from yesterday, but no shock there. Anyway, he is interested in going out, it’s just a matter of coordinating schedules. I’ve said that before. He says dating him can be a “challenge” and that he thinks I’m “more than capable.” He also mentioned that getting into and out of trouble can be a lot of fun. The chase begins.

Mom called today. She asked if I had talked to dumbass lately. I told her about the conversation we had last week and how I told him off. She also agrees it’s about time I got angry, and that he should have expected it. I think it’s a good sign I can talk about things being final without getting choked up. Mom was shocked it was over so quickly. Twenty days is too fast, I agree. But now that I’m free (for lack of a better word) … I don’t know. I’ve grown to enjoy my independence. Hearing from S tonight has given me optimism I didn’t have yesterday. I know he’s interested; now it’ll take forever for us to get together. I’m OK with that. There’s no rush. He’s not going anywhere, neither am I. As much as I’d like someone to spend time with someone on a regular basis, I’ve got a few things I’d like to do before I get into anything committed. (Read: casual sex.)

Kinda in a weird mood right now. Tired, but there are things I want to do … mostly adding more songs to iTunes (current count: 3219 with more on the way!). I’m addicted to my music collection. What can I say?

You know...

Just had a thought as I was logging out of my game and getting ready to head to sleep.

I looked around the living room and realized this is my space. This is my stuff now. Yeah, I have weird thoughts like this at 4 a.m., when I should be asleep. Yeah, I know someone will yell at me for staying up so late. But anyway.

Aside from the fact this is my stuff, I was struck by the fact that I'm not married any more. That it's just me right now. Part of me is OK with that I guess. The other part desperately wants someone to share things with. Stupid things like I used to share with him — the geeky little moments from my game. Or some strange random thought I had. Or just having someone to fall asleep next to. I've mentioned in other writings that I've got great friends, and I do. But there are just some things you can't get from your friends. I've gotten very close to a few people during all this, and I'm very grateful for that. I guess I'm looking for a deeper connection, something to help fill the emptiness I feel at this hour.

I should be happy I haven't been fighting that as much. Working has made a difference. Being at a small enough paper where I make an immediate impact has been good for my ego and has helped diminish the sense of worthlessness I had after the layoff. The divorce had a lot to do with me letting go with a lot of the layoff shit. Yeah, I still have some resentment, but I can laugh about it a little bit now. I know what it will take to fill the emptiness. It's not so much that I have to have a man in my life; the men I've been involved with have been more than just boyfriends or lovers. At least the recent ones. When you're with someone for five or six years, there's a connection, a bond. You know each other pretty well, can finish each other's thoughts and sentences. I lost my best friend in the divorce. I don't think we'll ever be that close again, I don't know if I can rebuild that trust. That's gone for me, as well it should be. He's off with her, and from what I've heard from people who work with him, he doesn't seem all that happy.

When we got together when he ended his first marriage, it was like he was a different person. He's a different person now, but he's not happy like he was when we got together. I haven't spent much time with him, haven't spoken with him since I told him off last week. An e-mail or two, that's it. I'm to the point where i couldn't give a shit.

Despite the fact he's an asshole, I miss us. I miss what we had together, and I guess that's what I'm looking for. I don't have a clue when I'll find that. I think I can find it again, but when? I promised a few people I'd take time for me, to figure out who I am and what it is I want. One of my oldest friends said I've been with someone the whole time she's known me; I need to find me. My oldest friend said he hopes I do make time for me because I have been given a second chance, to make things right for me.

I guess the big revelation here is that I should be with someone. I have a lot to offer. It sounds egotistical, and I don't like to talk about myself in this way. But just because *he* didn't want to be with me doesn't mean there isn't someone out there for me. I don't know that the person I've been trying to hook up with is "the one." The times we talked before the divorce happened, he made me happy. It took me awhile to realize when he came into the store, he was coming to see me. The times we talked afterwards were a lot of fun, and at the very least there's mutual attraction. I'm not sure what his intentions are, and my expectations will be based on that. He's just so fucking difficult to get in touch with. I haven't given up, but I'm not making a huge effort. I e-mailed him Thursday or Friday saying we should hook up because I burned some CDs for him. Haven't heard a peep. Whatever happens, happens I guess. I suppose I have enough to do around the house that I've neglected recently.

I just want someone to share stuff with. I want a companion. I want what I had, but with the knowledge and security that this time, it will be forever. That whoever I end up with will take those marriage vows seriously. That we'll work to keep the relationship alive. That maybe I can be happier than I was with him. That I can show him I've moved on and my life is pretty fucking OK. That I've gotten my revenge by living well. That he made a huge mistake by pushing me away. I've got enough of my ego left where I do want him to realize he was wrong and that I came out of this better than he did. Material goods wise, I know I did. I'm talking emotionally right now. I think I've handled this better than he has, though I'm sure he'd argue against that. I know where I was two months ago. I know where I am now. I've made progress, though I don't always want to admit that I have. Him? Hell, he's sharing his feelings with one person. How healthy is that?

I re-read that last graph. I'm already looking for someone to be with for the long haul. I don't know how realistic that is; I do know I don't want to go through guy after guy before I find the one I want to be with. The idea of dating is fairly unappealing. I guess I'm hoping that if I don't look too hard, something will fall into my lap. I can dream, right?

Oh. Don't like my idealism? Fuck off. I didn't ask you.

(Hehe … I've wanted to see that in print for some time. Am I kidding? Well, if the shoe fits …)

Songs of hope ... and love?

Besides my friends, music has played a huge part of me moving on with my life. I've got an incredible break-up playlist of 159 songs that I'd like to annotate at some point. I've bought songs from iTMS for the sole purpose of including them in this list. Lately, I've been splitting time between my "Finding Jen" and "Hoping" lists. Since the car isn't iPod ready, I've burned a lot of stuff to CD. Today (OK, Wednesday) I burned some of my "Hoping" songs to disc. Hoping is about future relationships. I put it together with one person in mind. I don't know if I should give him a copy of the CD or not. We'll see. But here we go.

1. Take Me Out ~ Franz Ferdinand
The first time I heard this song, all I heard was the the guitar lick. And then I had to download it. It's got a funky disco bass line and drum beat. It's very catchy. It makes me smile.

So if you're lonely
You know I'm here
Waiting for you
I'm just a cross-hair
I'm just a shot away from you
And If you leave here
You leave me broken
Shattered I lie

2. Here I Am ~ Lyle Lovett
I'm not a huge fan of country music, but I positively adore Lyle Lovett. He's got a great voice, and when he's playing with his Large Band … I would love to see him in concert some day. This version of the song is from Live in Texas. His horn section is awesome. I really relate to the lyrics. Here's the second verse and chorus.

Given that true intellectual and emotional compatibility
Are at the very least difficult
If not impossible to come by
We could always opt for the more temporal gratification
Of sheer physical attraction
That wouldn't make you a shallow person
Would it

Here I am
Yes it's me
Take my hand
And you'll see
Here I am
Yes it's true
All I want
Girl is you

Yes, I would be all about something that was physical right not. But the more time passes, I know I want something that will last. I'm not sure what. The chorus … I guess all I want is a chance. Try it. You'll like it. Really.

3. Just Like Heaven (acoustic version) ~ The Cure
Angst and pain have never sounded so … perky? I still don't know exactly what this song means. What I get out of it is that love is tenuous and fleeting. It's about distance while being right next to someone. I don't know why I'd hope for that. I have always been fond of the third and fourth verses, which I've included here.

spinning on that dizzy edge
i kissed her face and kissed her head
and dreamed of all the different ways i had
to make her glow
why are you so far away?
she said
why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?
that i'm in love with you?

you
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
strange as angels
dancing in the deepest oceans
twisting in the water
you're just like a dream...
you're just like a dream...

Those two lines there — "you're just like a dream" — there's something about Robert Smith's voice and the way he sings them that appeals to me. Another song with great hooks — bass line, guitar riff and piano/keyboards. I love the acoustic version.

4. Yellow ~ Coldplay
I didn't like this song back when it was getting a lot of airplay. I'm weird like that. I hated U2's The Joshua Tree when it was popular. When it stopped getting heavy play, I gave it a try and it's still one of my favorite albums. This song grew on me. It's simple, and the vocals are what do it for me. The first three verses are my favorite.

Look at the stars; look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow

I came along; I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to have done
And it was all yellow

5. Accidentally in Love ~ Counting Crows
This is a goofy, poppy song. It's from the Shrek 2 soundtrack. I have mixed feelings including it. But it's here because that's how I'll end up falling in love at this point — by accident. First two verses and chorus.

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love

Look, it's still a pretty good playlist, OK?

6. The Game of Love ~ Carlos Santana with Michelle Branch
Michelle Branch makes this song. I've got a lot of her stuff on the break-up playlist. And the lyrics work too. Second verse and chorus. Another song saying "just give me a chance."

...(love) is, whatever you make it to be
Sunshine instead of this cold, lonely sea
So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for
It ain't sayin' goodbye it’s knocking down the door of
your candy store

It just takes a little bit of this
A little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we're up to bat
A little bit of laughs
A little bit of pain
I'm telling you, my babe
It's all in the game of love...

7. Falling for You ~ Jem
You get the full lyrics for this one. Musically, I'm not completely sold on the song. But the words, well...

Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad
Maybe that's why you've come along
To show me, it's not always bad

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

It's true I've become a skeptic
How many couples really love
Just wish I had a crystal ball
To show me, if it's worth it all

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

And I've got to be sure
Coz it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again
If it all goes wrong

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

I want you so much
I need you so much
I want you so much
I need you so much
[believe me my love
believe me my love]

Upon further review, it does grow on you. I like the message, I can relate to the message.

8. Up and Away ~ Dave Matthews
The live bootleg I have of this is fabulous. That's the version that got me to notice this song. He's got Trey Anastasio from Phish playing on it. I like that show so much I'm going to buy a legit version of it. That concert got me through some tough days. Last two verses.

Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just the game I play
All up and away
Oh, all up and away
You take me baby

Up for you, I'd give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up, up and away you go
All up and away
Oh, you take me baby
Yeah
Mmmmm baby
Awwww baby

I want to feel this way about someone again. One of these days.

9. Let Me Down Easy ~ Chris Isaak
What a sexy, mournful voice. If you're willing to risk falling in love, you need to be ready for disappointment as well. I love this song; another neat guitar lick. When I fall, I fall hard.

At first you smile, then turn away
I've been thinking of what I should say
All last night I stayed up dreaming,
I'm still dreaming
I look at you, I'm just a guy
I know my place but still I'll try
You must be tired of people asking,
But I'm still asking
Please. Oh, please let me down easy
Please, just let me down easy

Don't you hear my heart is calling
You don't know how hard I've fallen for you

Another day, you're passing by
Today's the day I'm gonna try
You don't know how much I'm hoping, how I'm hoping
Please. Oh, please let me down easy
Please just let me down easy

Can't you hear my heart is calling
You don't know how hard I've fallen for you

If you told me to follow you know I'd fly to you,
Here I go, I may fall but I will try
So please, let me down easy
Please, just let me down easy
Please, just let me down easy

If you want me to follow, you know I'll fly

This is where I feel like I am right now. This song is full of hope.

10. How Good it Can Get ~ The Wallflowers
I've liked these guys for a long time. Jacob Dylan's voice... wow. Another song asking for a chance. Another song with an ending that grabs me. The chorus is misleading for my situation. It's not a matter of making someone into a lover... it's a matter of making them ... my lover.

Take a deep breath and hold it in tight
Push your face up right into the light
Can't you feel that full moon shining down on you

Help is coming from the great unknown
Just maybe not when you needed it most
Cause I can see that you already know that you're leaving

But I wish you'd stay
And just let me in
Cause everything can change
But you've got to be ready cause you won't know when

You won't believe just how good it can get
We'll make a lover out of you yet

11. Tonight, Tonight ~ Smashing Pumpkins
One of my favorite songs by these guys. Sounds great loud. Full lyrics.

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, and believe , believe!
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we're different.
Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright
Tonight, tonight.
And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, and believe, believe.
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, Tonight.
So bright tonight, tonight.
We’ll crucify the insincere tonight (Tonight)
We’ll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight (Tonight)
We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight (Tonight)
The indescribable moments of your life (Tonight)
The impossible is possible tonight (Tonight)
Believe in me as I believe in you,
Tonight, tonight, tonight,
Tonight

Trust and optimism.

12. Desire ~ U2
Ripped this from the Live in Boston DVD. It's a stripped down version of the songs, but it's got good energy. The song isn't necessarily about love, but it's song that's always kind of made me think of sex.

13. Simply Being Loved (Somnabulist)~ BT
There are a lot of BT songs I like. They're great chillout songs. Or some of the more energetic ones are great for doing chores around the house. I just like this one a lot because it's got a simple message.

So little time, so little time
I'm so frustrated
Some little joy, so little joy
It's complicated
So little time, so little time time
To work it on out
(Yeah yeah)

So little joy, so little joy
It's complicated
I feel I'm stumbling in the dark
Somnambulated
I feel my heart seeking the sparks
I'm praying for love
(Love love)
Praying for love

So little joy, so little joy
It's complicated
Some little time, so little time
When your heart's been faded
So little hope, so little hope
I'm praying for love
(Love love)
Is more than enough

14. This Love ~ Maroon 5
I love this guy's voice. It's a cool video too. This is the live version of the song, which I prefer to the studio version. Another song that isn't really about hope; it's on the break-up playlist, but there are parts of it that seem to fit.

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
(It’s alright, it’s alright)
My pressure on your hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

15. No Stopping Us ~ Jason Mraz
Song writers are so damn hopeful. And Jason Mraz is so damn happy and perky.

I will drive a thousand miles or I'll meet you at the station
If only you would take a vacation from this thing you have created
I promise to make it worth your while

So c'mon try. Baby wont you try
It's easy if you do not run
I promise you you'll have your fun
Because once we hit the top we've just begun

There's no stopping us.

16. Meaning (Stripped version) ~ Gavin DeGraw
I am so glad I spent the money to buy this CD from iTMS. I love his voice, I love his lyrics. I love this song. I've quoted it before, so here's my favorite part.

Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountin' the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear

The stripped version is a bit more personal. I'd love to see Gavin DeGraw in concert. A nice intimate show with the right person. Whoever that is...

17. Sunday Morning ~ Maroon 5
Yeah, these guys again. Acoustic version of this song... To me, Sunday mornings mean lounging in bed with your lover. That's why I included it. In my world, that's what Sunday mornings are for. Well, that and football. What can I say?

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave\

18. Let's Get It On ~ Marvin Gaye
Is there another song out there that says "fuck me" more than this one? Really. I defy you to find one that is as soulful and filled full of longing as this one. And sex. This song screams sex.

I've been really tryin , baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on,

Let's get it on
Lets get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on

We're all sensitive people
With so much love to give, understand me sugar
Since we got to be
Lets say, I love you

There's nothing wrong with me
Lovin you---
And giving yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true

Don't you know how sweet and wonderful, life can be
I'm askin you baby, to get it on with me
I ain't gonna worry, I ain't gonna push
So come on, come on, come on, come on baby
Stop beatin round the bush....

Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on

I'm not one to do karaoke. But given enough alcohol and prodding from friends, this is one song I would consider singing. Not likely to happen any time soon.

So that's it. I spent way too long writing all of this. But it was kinda fun.

Edited because I can't type at that hour apparently...

Ye Olde Purity Test

Found a link to this on a friend's journal. Be afraid.

Edit: Yes, I am quite fond of the male body in case you can't decipher what the scores mean. And I'm sorry if it's disappointing that I'm not into the lesbian thing. That's just the way it goes. I love the cock.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	70% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	65.1%
Shamelessness	69% It takes a couple of drinks	79.4%
Sex Drive	55.3% A fool for love, but not always	77.7%
Straightness	12.5% Knows the other body type like a map	44.9%
Gayness	98.2% Repressed, are we?	83.7%
Fucking Sick	85.8% Refreshingly normal	90%
You are 64.71% pure Average Score: 72.7%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

All fled, all done

So my marriage is over officially, legally. Yeah, it was over when he said it was over — for him. But for me, well, marriage is more than a piece of paper. And oddly enough it took a piece of paper (several of them) to say it was over. Technically, it was over Friday. Day 50 of this whole fucking mess. For the record, this is Day 53.

A bit of a downer, but this fits the end of my marriage I think:

All fled, all done,
so lift me on the pyre;
The feast is over
and the lamps expire.

Robert E. Howard's epitaph. The last words he typed before he killed himself.

There is closure in a legal sense, but emotionally, that will take longer. I don't know how long. I don't know if finding a relationship would be to take my mind off this, or because I really, truly want to be with this person — if that's what he wants.

I do know several things right now.

- I need to get through today, and I will get through it. This isn't even close to my worst day. But it still hurts. This isn't even about him right now, as odd as that sounds. It's about me getting forced to do something I never wanted to do because he said I had no say.
- In light of that, I'm still angry. Fuck him. Fuck him for making me feel this way. I swear to god I will not let him get to me like this in the future. But today, today of all days … it's allowed. I never wanted this.
- A certain someone needs to call or e-mail me this week because I'd really like to see him.
- Another certain someone, who unfortunately lives on the other side of the country, has expressed his desire to ravage my body and do all sorts of naughty things. I whole-heartedly support this endeavor, and were it not for the fucking insane distance, I'd be inclined to call in sick so he could have his way with me when he was done with work. Partially because I'm tired of the emotional pain, but mostly because I need to get laid and I know we would have a great time. And I'm extremely curious about sex with him given some of our *cough* conversations the past few weeks. And he says I'm hot. Add that to the list of reasons why I think he's a great guy.