Baggage

I've been pretty baggage free for the past year or two now. I'm happier than I've ever been -- not because I've finally been able to buy a house or have a high-paying job, but because I'm being me, I've got a great man in my life and some kick-ass friends.

This Saturday was six years to the day I got married. When I got divorced in 2004, I counted the days until that anniversary. In 2005, I had an idea it was coming. This year, I think it might've been around 3 a.m. when I looked at the date and it registered. It's not even a blip any more.

But here are a few journal entries for historical perspective. The first is from Oct. 10, 2004.

Settling?

Still in a bit of an odd mood tonight. I think there could be hormones involved. Anyway, feeling more introspective than usual and felt the need to inflict this stuff on my audience. I'll try to keep this from getting too .. heavy .. but who knows.

In the course of e-mailing a dear friend tonight, I stumbled across something that I've been avoiding, something I haven't wanted to admit. This might not even be the time to go into it, but I'm thinking about it, and I do need to address it at some point, if only for my mental health and getting closure.

I've glossed over why my marriage didn't work out; I've shared some of my thoughts with one person, maybe two. I don't know the root cause, I don't have the answers. But if there's one thing that getting into a relationship has shown, it's that things weren't quite right in married life. And I'm trying to be diplomatic about this, trying to be ... detached. So we'll see how that goes. We'll play a little game of "compare and contrast." Oh, but how to begin?

Let's start out by saying I believe in marriage. When you get married, it's forever. It's a promise, it's something I took seriously, it's something I wanted to do just once in my life. I'm certain we got married for the right reasons. I don't know that we divorced for the right reasons, but what's done is done. I can't change that, I and I wouldn't go back. Not with what I know now, not with what I've been through and where I am in my life. Hell no.

Somewhere along the way, something changed. Was it because we were comfortable with each other? Took each other for granted? The ex mentioned how "the spark" was gone. Well, the argument against that is the spark is what brings you together; true love keeps you together. Relationships are give and take; they aren't always easy, they aren't always pleasant. But if you really do love someone, you figure out a way to make it work. Yet that only happens if both parties feel that way. One person believing that won't get it done, especially if the other person has given up, or thinks they've found something better. Believe me, I tried. In the end, it was easier to give up. More on that in a bit.

At the beginning of many relationships, the physical stuff takes precedent. It's new, it's exciting (I call it the "ooooh, shiny!" syndrome). The newness wears off. If it was only physical, chances are that when the novelty has worn off, both people will move on. A booty call is a booty call. If there's a deeper connection, then you're looking at something long term, something that could last for months, years, even forever. You need common interests, personalities that get along. You need trust and a willingness to work toward keeping the relationship alive. So where was I going with this, I wonder .. and how can I do this without getting myself in trouble? (not really trouble, I guess .. I'm not writing anything here I wouldn't discuss, it's just that some of this is still a little difficult to talk about. Anyway.)

When the ex and I got together, it was fun, exciting, we spent a ton of time together. The physical stuff, well, yeah, there was a lot of that. He was 32 and I was 26. That really was a lifetime ago. We spent a ton of time together since we worked together and he ended up moving in since (big red warning lights) he was leaving his wife. Marriage was on the rocks from the beginning, he'd been unhappy for a long time, yadda yadda yadda. Awfully familiar, right? Yeah. Maybe I had it coming.

You know, a detailed analysis of my relationship with the ex is going to get boring in a hurry. That, and the fact I've chosen to forget some of the details and other details have faded. I've gotten a pretty good idea of what was missing. I guess it's easier for me to focus on the things that are going well with the current relationship than dredge up ghosts. Yes, I'm still avoiding it. But I think I can still make my point.

I'm a detail person (eh, really?). I can see the big picture, but I have an appreciation of the little things. Case in point: A touch, a look, a smile can convey a feeling like love without even saying those three words. I used to do that with the ex and it was rarely, if ever reciprocated (red flashing lights, anyone?). He wasn't much of a "touch" person. Hugs, holding hands, that was something he really started doing with me. The other stuff, like if I just touched him while we were watching TV or something, he didn't like that. Current situation is very different than with the ex. Communicating without words is a fine and subtle art, and it works a lot better when people aren't shrugging you off or acting like they're annoyed by it. There's a lot to be said for feeling appreciated.

It might not be a great example. It's certainly not one that would hold up in court. But I think it shows a resignation on my part to not do those things with the ex. I wasn't being oppressed, but I wasn't being true to myself. I don't know that I've really been true to myself until recently. I know I haven't been this happy in a long time. I've got a new sense of freedom since .. falling in love. And I'm sorry that sounds trite. But honestly, I'm happy to have found someone I feel comfortable with. I can say crazy (or stupid :-P) things, I can tell horrible jokes, or I can be a geek. I guess with the ex, I started to hold back some things because I didn't want to appear stupid. I don't even know where I'm going with this any more.

Ah. The title of this entry. I do need an editor to keep me on topic. Did I settle? Yes and no.

In the beginning, when things were new, no, there was no settling. I didn't settle on my wedding day. But whenever "the spark" (his word, not mine) faded, then yes, I did. I accepted the routine, I accepted the fact we didn't do certain things or act like other couples; a good friend said that if you saw the two of us in a room, you'd never know we were married. This has been confirmed by at least one other person. All I can say to that is, what the fuck? What happened? Why did we give off that appearance? Oh, non-verbal communication, or lack thereof. It goes deeper than "if you loved me you'd hold my hand" but I could be onto something here. I know what I felt toward him, but I know that if I did those little things -- a hand on his shoulder, whatever -- in a group setting, it made him uncomfortable. What the hell does that say? Yeah, that something was fucked up and neither of us wanted to address it. Now I remember why I haven't taken a closer look at this: Because in my twisted little world, it makes me feel inadequate as a wife and as a female. The rational part of me knows this isn't true, but the visceral part -- and let's not forget my ego -- feels differently. The feeling of rejection rears its ugly head after a long absence. But it adds up, I guess. If he didn't want to do the little things that are so important to me, it shouldn't have been surprising when he told me he didn't love me. Yes, this is the scary shit I write about at 3 a.m. Until now, it had been locked away in the journal I haven't shared with anyone, where I don't even want to read past entries. But here it is. And to once again answer the question, yes I did settle. I settled and I wanted to make it work, thought I could make it work, thought it should work. And in the end, it turns out I'm so much better off today without him. Should I mention yet again how happy I am, or is that starting to get sickening? Cut me some slack; I'm not even to the four-month mark yet. But what used to be the anniversary is Thursday... I'll burn that bridge when I get to it I guess...

I'm not sure what this proved, other than the fact that maybe I really am nuts and you people are too polite to tell me I'm nuts. It did feel good to write this stuff. But maybe i just need to leave it in the past and keep moving forward -- mindful of history, but definitely focused on what each new day brings. I may be nuts, but hell if I haven't turned into an optimist.

Posted: Sun - October 10, 2004 at 03:20 AM

It's really easy for me to say I settled, especially given how the relationship with Scott has progressed. I have gotten more out of our relationship in two years than I did in the nearly four years I was married to dipshit. Amazingly, the anger and the bitterness are more like background noise now, instead of being at the forefront and drowning out everything else in my life. Yes, I admit I'm still a bitter person at times. We all have that capacity. But I choose when to let that out; in the past, I really didn't have a say.

Time for another entry. This one is from Oct. 14, 2004

No, "just friends" doesn't work

Almost two months ago, someone who has become near and dear to me said something I should've taken to heart a lot sooner. Heck, a lot of people said the same thing but I didn't want to hear it. I'm stubborn, not stupid I guess ..

"Let's be friends."

The death knell to many a relationship. You have romantic aspirations and your object of desire doesn't feel the same. Or you're romantically involved and "all of a sudden" your partner isn't in love with you and wants to be "just friends." Guess what? That shit doesn't work. Nope. Not at all. Forget it. If it does, it takes months, even years. Hell, my parents didn't really become friends after their divorce until several years later, and it took a traumatic, life-changing event involving my dad for that to happen. Time has a way of sorting things out I guess. Time lets anger subside, it dulls the pain. Memories fade. With some things.

Nearly four months later, a lot of what I felt has begun to fade. There was a time I wanted to remember all of it; I didn't want to forget what I was feeling so I could prevent it from happening again. But a few things happened and changed that: I realized the only times I thought or talked about the ex, it was negative. I realized he wasn't a friend, and stopped thinking of him as one. Best of all, a wonderful guy became... more than a friend.

I have very strong feelings regarding friendship. I've said that I'm loyal to the point of stupidity, which explains my reluctance to listen to people about being friends with the ex. I'll do whatever is within my means to help you if you need a hand. It's just the way I am. I'm very passionate about my friends and people who are close to me. I can be overly protective. Stubbornness and the fact I don't do things half way... it can be an odd combination at times. Hell, I'm this way with folks I know through the internet (not strangers; I've got a few friends I've known for several years only through e-mail, discussion boards and chatting).

So it shouldn't be any surprise that I took all of this loyalty and passion and figured it would be there for the ex when everything was said and done. After all, he said when the divorce was final, we could hang out and be friends again, right? He said he wanted to stay friends, and well, if you're my friend, you're not going to lie to me, right? Right?

Well fuck that. We know how this story goes.

Lying to me, or a lie by omission are the same thing. Being treated like shit doesn't rate too high in my book, either. Generally being an asshole scores quite low too. So that whole thing about being friends? How about taking a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut? That seems to fit a lot better.

I have no intention of being friends with the ex-person (I can't claim this gem; Scott gets all the credit... heh). Right now, I don't even want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want him in my life. But here I am, on what would've been my fourth wedding anniversary, writing a journal entry about how I basically despise the man who -- just five months ago -- was still the love of my life and my true love.

Sweet Jesus. What. The. Fuck.

It's good to be jaded and cynical again. I was filled with the touchy-feely "must get over this" good vibes for awhile there. Oh, I definitely needed to be there. I needed to shove away the bitterness long enough to know it wouldn't consume me. But now that I'm actually feeling good about life again, hey, it's back. I'm a little rusty, but I think I'll manage. Being back in a newsroom helps with the cynicism. And realizing what a cock wrangler the ex is helps a great deal. I don't want his love, I don't want his friendship. When -- or if -- I want to be friends, I'll let him know.

And it feels good to have *real* friends. I've got a move coming up, and I was surprised to see how many people offered to help. It&..39;s been, "Oh, I've got a truck. I should be able to help that day. Let me know." I've only had one person say he wouldn't be able to help, and that's because he's already helped two friends move. I wasn't going to ask him, but still. These folks stepped up before I mentioned there would be Krispy Kremes that morning and steak and beer that evening. I don't need him or his friendship. It's taken me a long time to realize I don't need him any more. That's actually a big step for me.

Yes, a lot of this goes back to me having someone in my life. Anything I write about that is going to come off sounding trite, and I don't want to diminish it. I know what I feel, I know that it's different than what I felt with the ex. It's hard to explain without making it sound like I made a mistake getting married (I still maintain I didn't) or that I've placed all kinds of unrealistic expectations on my current situation. No and no. I'm in love; what else can I say? Once again getting into complicated territory near 4 a.m. You'd think I'd learn.

Anyway, the point is, no, friends with the ex-person won't work. I don't want it to work, certainly not now. Things are pretty OK in my world right now without him, and I suspect that will continue to be the case. Far more enjoyable to focus positive energy on my guy than put any effort into feeling anything toward the ex. Husband? I was married? Heh.

You were right, and I have the e-mail to prove it. Thanks, babe.

Posted: Thu - October 14, 2004 at 03:59 AM

I don't mention the ex-person a whole lot any more. If I mention him, he's the subject of ridicule, as is often the case when you talk about exes. I haven't seen or spoken to him in about 2 years now, don't have any desire to do so. I don't want to be his friend. And the insecure part of me doesn't want to be reminded of failure, because ultimately, that's what the marriage was. The pain has faded enough where I can make fun of it. And I've had enough good times since then to forget the ones I had when I was married... although typing that sentence reminded me of two trips back to the Bay Area. Those are good memories. But they're fleeting. The best memories from the last trip... those include my mom and grandparents. I've grown more indifferent -- maybe even apathetic -- toward the ex. I don't waste energy despising him. I've actually got faith the Karma Bunny will ki kick him in the balls when the time is right.

More importantly, I don't need labels when it comes to my current relationship. With the marriage, we were always talking about how we were best friends, how he was the love of my life. I don't think that's ever happened with Scott and me. He's so much more to me than a label. It goes without saying that he's my best friend -- he's the one person I share everything with -- good or bad. I don't need to say he's the love of my life or that there will never be another because I'm living my life in a way that should make that obvious. He knows how I feel, I know how he feels. That wasn't always the case when I was married.

So why dredge up 2-year-old journal entries? To bore my audience, of course. Seriously, it's a measuring stick -- I guess I want to see if I've progressed, if I've learned anything. There are just a handful of folks who have been with me through the whole ordeal. About a year after my divorce, a good friend decided it was time to end her marriage. One of her recent blogs is what got me thinking of my old entries because she posted excerpts from her old journal. She's come a long way; she got out of newspapers and now she's trying to decide where she wants to work on her doctorate. It's hard to see the progress when you're engulfed by chaos and don't know which way is up.

I think what this proves, at least to myself, is that time does have a way of taking care of things. And that when you take care of you, things have a way of falling into place. That's the biggest lesson I've taken away from all this.

Anyway, before this gets any longer, and more boring...