The art of being ...

an asshole.

Some people can do this in a humorous manner. They have a good sense of timing, they know where the boundaries are, they can be serious and get down to business when they need to -- or should.

Along those lines, I like this song a lot...

Bad Penny
Big Black

Ought to know what a liar I am, ought to know me by now
Don't curse me for my nature, don't bless me for my luck
Just a bad penny, I always come back to you
Just a bad penny
Just a bad penny, I always come back to you
Should have known you couldn't trust me
Far as you can throw me, throw me
Couldn't throw me too far
Just a bad penny, couldn't throw me too far
I think I fucked your girlfriend once
Maybe twice, I don't remember
Then I fucked all your friends' girlfriends
Now they hate you
Just a bad penny, just a bad penny
Just a bad penny, just a bad penny
Such a bad penny, such a bad penny
Bad, bad penny, bad, bad penny
Ought to know what a liar I am, ought to know me by now
Such a bad penny
Ooh bad, bad penny, bad, bad penny
Ought to know what a liar I am, ought to know me by now
Ought've known you couldn't trust me
As far as you can throw me, throw me
Such a bad penny, such a bad penny
Such a bad penny, such a bad penny
Slap my hand

OK, so maybe that doesn't really fit what I'm trying to say tonight, and maybe I was just looking for a reason to post the lyrics to one of my most favoritest Big Black songs. But yeah. An entertaining asshole is someone you'll come back to. There. Justified the placement of lyrics.

Anyway, being an asshole takes a certain amount of finesse, timing and intelligence. You toy with people without annoying them. You poke fun without being malicious. You stir shit just for the hell of it and can clean up any messes you start -- if they need cleaning up. Otherwise, it can be fun to start something, watch folks get into a tizzy and ... disappear...

But let's remember: all things in moderation.

I know quite a few people who are very good at this. The thing that makes them good is the fact they aren't an asshole all the time; it's like a switch that gets flipped. There are quite a few folks near and dear to me who are great assholes. They do it for the entertainment value. They aren't malicious. You knock someone down, you bring em up. It's a game. No one gets hurt, for the most part.

I know even more people who aren't good at this. They are Genuine Assholes™, who couldn't be anything else even if they tried.

There's the gamer, who we'll call GamerGuy, who has to argue about every rule, every move and twist every rule, every move to his advantage. People don't like playing him. They don't like being in the same room with him. He fails at being a Good Asshole™ because this is his constant state of being. He's never wrong, everyone is against him. He doesn't understand why it's bad to make a 12-year-old cry, or why sometimes, you just need to play for fun, not to prove you're the best because you have a small penis.

There's another gamer, who we'll call DeviousGamer, who likes to take advantage of his place of employment -- so much so, he gets himself merchandise ahead of customers. He fails at being a Good Asshole™ because he does this maliciously -- if a customer has placed a special order, and a product is reserved for that customer, clearly, the customer really, really wants the product. He does this as a power trip and because he thinks he's funny. And because he has a small penis.

This brings to our next type of failed Good Asshole™, the pessimistic, whining, complainer, who we'll call BigBoob. This person is a bad asshole because everyone is against him, no on understands him, everyone hates him, he'll go eat worms. If he makes a snarky comment, he's being witty and humorous. If you make a snarky comment, you're berating him. He's the malcontent in a roomful of people who have little to complain about, so he complains louder so he'll be noticed. He's the guy who asks stupid questions and can't stand to see other people succeed. We suspect he acts this way because he hasn't seen his penis in years. And because it's small.

Finally in our list of Genuine Assholes™, we've got the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. The one who said "I love you more" when you said "I love you." The one who said "I'll never leave you" and then leaves you for "true love" that looks like so much tired white trash. The that makes you say, "you left me for that? Fuck. You are stupid." This is the asshole we'll call StupidFuckingEx. He isn't an asshole for breaking your heart. He is an asshole because he had a small penis. This species is incapable of ever being a Good Asshole.™

So it would be easy to assume I'm an asshole because I know so much about them. But assuming isn't a good thing.

I'm not an asshole, I'm a dick.

Because you are what you eat.