TDMH

Dear Corporation X Thumb-dick Monkey Humper,

Why don't you stop being a big, fat, blubbering vagina (a la Bill O'Reilly) and tell me what you really think? If you don't fucking want me to be there, knock off the passive-aggressive bullshit and ask me to go.

I have tried to do the right thing by giving my two weeks notice -- in a right-to-work state where I can quit as quickly as you could fire me -- because it's the right thing to do. I did it for my team, and for the person I work for. I didn't do it out of loyalty to you, because we know you don't deserve my loyalty, or that of any one else for that matter. I did it for my team, and to help train my replacement, which I guess won't be happening.

You think attrition sucks now? Force me out early and see what happens. There won't be any coercion on my part; agents aren't as dumb as you think. They see what's going on and will react accordingly. And whether you care or not, many of them will be leaving. Why? They hate your ass. And a surprising number of them are sorta fond of me.

What you fail to realize is that the meltdown is coming. We've reached critical mass. I'm getting out before the bomb goes off. I'm getting out before my reason for staying at Corporation X rides off into the sunset.

Now, I'm sure this sounds like sour grapes, and I'm sure this will hurt your feelings. But let's examine what you've done to inspire loyalty from your employees.

1. Through ineptitude with (gasp) interpersonal communication, you have alienated most, if not all, of your administrative staff. Many of us would rather talk to each other, or the one person above us who will listen, to resolve issues rather than going to you. You rule through intimidation and fear. You use public humiliation as a means to get your way, and seem to enjoy belittling your employees. You're a bully. Then again, why should we expect you to communicate with us, when you failed at communicating with your best friend -- who also happened to be your roommate?

2. You're out of touch. Maybe if you'd open your door and show some genuine concern for your agents and supervisors, you'd get better results. When was the last time you were out on the floor when it wasn't for show? And let's talk about you walking the floor last week in front of company. If that wasn't one of the more pathetic things ever. Maybe if we thought you were doing it because you cared we wouldn't ridicule you. Or not.

3. You play favorites. You've coached just about all of us about the importance of appearances and how we need to appear neutral. Yet you're the worst offender. You've got your little clique, your followers. I don't give a fuck if you're "really funny" outside of work and "not that bad" in a social setting. If I don't like working with you, why the fuck would I want to take the time to know you socially? We're not even going to get into who/what you've supposedly fucked. I'd rather not vomit all over the Powerbook.

4. You're passive aggressive. Yes, I touched on this in my opening, but it bears repeating. You can't be an effective leader if you make us play guessing games. You act like you're all powerful and control our futures. But really. I heard what you make a year, and on that salary, you've got no right to swagger around the way you do. Not when you're so flawed as a leader. Honesty works with most of us. You should try it some time.

Certainly, this list could go on, but why belabor the point? Gawd knows it would just make you cry.

We're not without loyalty, just not toward you. The person we're loyal to is the buffer between us and you. He's the guy who must make about $5/hour because of all the time he spends at work, and all the time he spends at home working. He's the guy who's always been honest and up front with us, the guy who works his ass off and gets nothing in return. He's our nucleus. He's the reason why I've stayed for as long as I have. You, on the other hand, are the reason I can't stay.

Your actions, or lack thereof, make it very difficult for me to continue doing the right thing. My gut says you're going to insist on being a dipshit and put me back on the phones for my remaining time at Corporation X, which is not acceptable. I'm not there to help you make numbers so you look good for the client. I'm not there to be your bitch.

I don't like the idea of splitting up my team, but really, they're at your mercy at this point. It would have been nice to train someone to lead them after I'm gone, but oh well.

So we'll see what our noon meeting brings. I'm sure you've got some interesting things to discuss with us.

I guarantee that I'll still go out on my terms. That's the one thing you won't win at. I either go out on a high note, attempting to keep things classy, or I'll go out and everyone will see you for the cocksucker you are. It's your choice. You do still have an amazing amount of control in all of this. I just don't have faith in you to do the right thing.

I'm ready for a fight. Are you?

Signed,
89628

P.S. You'll get your iPod back. I want no ties to you, and refuse to be beholden to you in any way, shape or form. I'd shove that $300 technological marvel up your ass, but there's no room -- thanks to the roll of quarters you carry in your rectum.

P.P.S. When I begin my job at XYZ Inc., I will make a little less than you. Within 6 months, I'm confident I'll make more than you and will have the pleasure of not dealing with you. Now go off to your corner and cry.