Hard to believe another year is just about done. If I do this properly, I could have material for the next few days. Not likely to happen, given my growing addiction to World of Warcraft …
In July, I will have lived in Idaho for five years. Five. Years. I never expected to stay here that long. And yet I don't have any compelling reason move. I think that might be why a lot of people stay here who have moved from other places. No, it's not the perfect place to live, but it's not horrible. It's tolerable. Yes, I miss the Bay Area. But the money goes relatively far here, and with the love life, I have no reason to want to move. I've said before that my life isn't perfect, but it is mine, and I'm OK with that. My life is better than it has any right to be. Well …
What I mean by that is I've recovered from this stuff pretty well. I'm surprised at how far I've come in six months. I have a job, I have an affordable place to live, I'm in love (dead horse, but dammit, I've never been happier) and I could get a promotion at work. I'm healthier, having lost a lot of weight with the divorce (heh … someone pointed out I lost about 170 pounds by getting rid of the ex). I'm not going to lie and say that every moment has been perfect. I still have those dark moments, those bouts with self-pity and doubt, the fear of rejection. That's not stuff I expect is going to disappear right away. But as time passes, I'm able to feel more confident, more certain about what my future could hold. I know I've found a guy I want to be with until he gets sick of me. And no, I'm still not going to put a label on that, as tempting as that might be for some people. It's like I told mom the other day: When you know, you just know. And you go with it.
I think that may be a theme for me in 2005. I don't make resolutions; if you're going to do something, you should do it because you want to, or it's something you should be doing anyway. January 1 doesn't wipe the slate clean. A new year doesn't mean none of the issues that dogged the previous year won't still be there. But it is a fresh 365. And since we are creatures of habit and creatures of time, I guess starting with a fresh calendar makes a difference. From a mental-health stand point, yes, I want June/July 2004 to be nuked. Everything from about August through the end of the year is what's going to be memorable to me. And I'm not going to drop the divorce thing, even though I should. I'm just going to look at it in a different light.
For now, 2004 is going to be the year that getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me, when I fell in love and was happier than I ever thought possible. It's the year I got back into the work I know I was meant to do (such as it is) and realized that you can be passionate about your work and still leave it at the office. It's the year I rediscovered myself and got my priorities in order.
That's a helluva spin job, I know. But I want the glass to be half full. I want to be optimistic. I don't want to be bitter, can't be bitter all the time. Cynical is one thing. I'd like to keep the destructive stuff to a minimum (hide all sharp objects then...)
I don't know where I'm going with this, and I'm sober. Guess I'll have to write more at a later date.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Song ~ Dec. 26
Hey look! It's Lyle Lovett...
There are 842 songs on the "My Top Rated" playlist in iTunes. That translates into 2.3 days and 3.25 gigs. Scary, I know. Anyway, the first song that came up in this rotation was "Pride (In the name of love)" and then this one by Lyle. After hearing the song, yeah, it could've made its way onto the playlist, but that list wasn't all-inclusive. A list like that would take a pretty long time for me to put together. And I'm obsessive enough about this stuff as it is … Anyway.
Nobody Knows Me ~ Lyle Lovett
And I like cream in my coffee
And I like to sleep late on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby
And I like eggs over easy
With flour tortillas
And nobody knows me like my baby
And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby
But it was a dream made to order
South of the border
And nobody knows me like my baby
And she cried man how could you do it
And I swore that there weren't nothing to it
But nobody knows me like my baby
And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby
And I like cream in my coffee
And I hate to be alone on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby
There are 842 songs on the "My Top Rated" playlist in iTunes. That translates into 2.3 days and 3.25 gigs. Scary, I know. Anyway, the first song that came up in this rotation was "Pride (In the name of love)" and then this one by Lyle. After hearing the song, yeah, it could've made its way onto the playlist, but that list wasn't all-inclusive. A list like that would take a pretty long time for me to put together. And I'm obsessive enough about this stuff as it is … Anyway.
Nobody Knows Me ~ Lyle Lovett
And I like cream in my coffee
And I like to sleep late on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby
And I like eggs over easy
With flour tortillas
And nobody knows me like my baby
And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby
But it was a dream made to order
South of the border
And nobody knows me like my baby
And she cried man how could you do it
And I swore that there weren't nothing to it
But nobody knows me like my baby
And nobody holds me
And nobody knows me
Nobody knows me like my baby
And I like cream in my coffee
And I hate to be alone on Sunday
And nobody knows me like my baby
Saturday, December 25, 2004
The playlist
It's finally done, and yeah, it does scare me a little. Several entries aided by alcohol. But we won't go into that …
It's not necessarily the "mother of all playlists," but it does seem to do a fairly good job of describing my feelings. I feel sorta chickenshit for doing things this way instead of coming up with my own words, but it does go back to the fact that a lot of people have felt what I'm feeling and they've done a better job of describing it. I guess I don't trust myself to explain my feelings without screwing it up some how. Then there's the fear of fucking up a really good thing, which is something I don't think I'm in danger of doing, but you never know. Fear of failure didn't play a big role in my "other" life, but it looms a little larger these days. Fear of rejection, well, I've covered that before and it's a very real fear because I don't know if I could handle it again. I'm sure I'd find a way to cope, but I don't know that I'd be able to bounce back as quickly.
So, at the risk of sharing too much (as I'm prone to doing), here are the songs and why I picked them.
The Scientist ~ Coldplay
Yet another Coldplay song I ignored until recently. It's not quite as catchy as "Clocks," but it's simple and melodic. These are the lyrics that did it for me:
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
In Your Eyes ~ Peter Gabriel
This was a tough choice. This had been "our song" when I was with the ex. I couldn't listen to it for a long time. But it's not about him any more; it's about me and my feelings toward the special guy in my life. I guess I thought it was neat the ex said that this song described how he felt about me when we got together. I always liked the song, so I thought, "OK, that's cool." I understood the lyrics, but I never really felt kind of connection I should have. Until recently. Be afraid.
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
One Thing ~ Finger Eleven
Scott turned me onto this song, and it's a good one. I appreciated the song even more after I read what singer Scott Anderson had to say on the band's web site: "It’s never cool to regret the things you didn’t do, right? I wrote myself a note in the form of a song to tell myself just that. If you’d like to become less of a coward than you already are, try this one." Life is too short not to take chances. Everyday, I'm thankful I took the chance to say three little, but important, words.
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
More ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
I've included his stuff on another playlist; I used "What Makes You" — a duet he did with Norah Jones. Another guy with a neat voice. Simple lyrics, but the song serves as a reminder to me that some times you just have to let go and see what happens.
Don’t cry
I’ll wait
Patient
While we
Pass through
Something
More than you
More than me
Larger than memory
So let go
You must know
One thing
It’s more than you
More than me
Larger than memory
Bring Me To Life ~ Evanescence
One of my favorite songs by these guys. It's powerful musically and lyrically, which is a bonus. One of the most amazing things about our relationship is that I'm feeling things I didn't think I'd feel again for a very, very long time, and the intensity of those feelings. The majority of the lyrics seem to fit. Was I living a lie when I was married? I don't know if I wan to make that leap, but something wasn't right. Still, this song (to me at least) is more about finding myself — with the help of someone very special to show the way.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside!)
Bring me to life
Collide (Live At State Theater) ~ Howie Day
Yes, I've used this song on other playlists before. And the song isn't exactly 100 percent accurate. I do like the message, and I love Howie's voice. It might be one of those deals where I'm the "you" in this song. Full lyrics for explanation.
(Verse 1)
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
Your barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
do do do do x 4
(Verse 2)
I'm open, your closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
(Chorus 1)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
do do do do x 4
(Verse 3)
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
(Chorus 2)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I Somehow find
You and I collide
(Bridge)
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
do do do do x 8
(Chorus 3)
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
do do do do x2
You finally find
You and I collide
do do do do x 2
You finally find that
You and I collide
do do do do x 2
Hope for Me Yet ~ Marc Broussard
I've mentioned this song before, but it's a really good song. There are many times where I feel like I don't deserve to be this happy, that I don't deserve to be with a guy as great as Scott. But if there's one thing I've gained in the past three months, it's the knowledge that I am capable of loving and being loved. I honestly feel that being loved by him makes me a better person. I know life is better with him in it; I really do feel a sense of hope, something I almost gave up on thanks to what the ex did. Anyway, this is a great song and it's one I hold fairly dear to my heart.
I could bless the water
But it wouldn't turn to wine
Paint a picture of the sunset
Hanging there in your eyes
But it'd just be some compromise
I could write a million verses
Every word you've heard before
Steal some of Dylan's best
But it'd leave me wanting to say more
Cause there's so much more
Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
Sometimes when I look back
I don't even know myself
It blows my mind to think that I've found grace in someone else
Baby your grace is something else
Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
For a man who's done nothing
I've been blessed with so much more than I deserve
I'm smart enough to know that I've been handed something
Can't put a price on what it's worth
Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
"Armageddon" was a fairly hokey movie, but I always had a soft spot for this song. I think out of all the songs on this playlist, this is the one that sums up my feelings the best. I'm grateful for every minute I can spend with Scott, and I miss him terribly when we're apart. I don't want to miss anything with him, especially with how strong my feelings are. Full lyrics are in a previous entry, but the chorus rings true:
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Maybe I'm Amazed ~ Jem
I just discovered this version of a fabulous Beatles song. Thank god this is a happier song than the Beatles stuff I've included in the past. This is off the second O.C. soundtrack. It's a show I've never watched, but they do pick cool music. It's a sparse arrangement, and I think because of that, the vocals really hit me. Jem has made appearances on other playlists as well, and I do dig her voice. Not quite as soulful as McCartney, and I do miss the the way the Beatles play this song. But it's not a bad cover. At its core, this is a song about vulnerability. I'm certainly vulnerable, and I am scared shitless about what I feel at times. It's not a bad thing, but we haven't been together all that long. Then again, when you know, you know. Anyway. This one does hit really close to home. Maybe I'm sharing too much, I don't know. I can't change the way I feel.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I need you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Love Song ~ Pink
Included this on the original "breakup" playlist with the hope that maybe someday, it would apply. For someone who doesn't take herself too seriously, this is a great song from Pink. I think I might know the answers to these questions, but I hate assuming. Another song about being vulnerable.
I've never written a love song
That didn't end in tears.
Maybe you'll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears.
I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more.
When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?
There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself.
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect.
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars.
Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?
I need to hear that you'll die for me
Again and again and again.
So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times.
'Cause I will love you for the rest of my life.
This is my very first love song
That didn't end in tears.
I think you re-wrote my love song
for the rest of my years.
I will love you for the rest of my life.
Meaning (Stripped Version) ~ Gavin DeGraw
Good ol Gavin DeGraw. This might be my favorite song of the year. And it's another one I hoped would fit someday, and thankfully, I've found someone I can dedicate this song to. It's another song about hope and optimism, two things I need a lot of these days. This time around, love has been good to me. Sometimes the only way is jumping | I hope you're not afraid of heights
Yeah, we both jumped on this one. Falling isn't the bad part, it's the sudden stop, someone said. And he's right.
Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountin' the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Up And Away ~ Dave Matthews
Another favorite of mine, and another song about appreciating the little things in life. I can say in all honesty that being with Scott makes my world a better place. If things get shitty at work, I just think about him and it's all good. He was definitely one of the first people I thought of when it became clear I would be single.
Everyday, everyday with you
Every little thing you do the way you do
Little darlin' in your eyes
Got me all up and away
You get me high
I saw you there, since then everyday
It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in every way
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high
Like I'm gone, ooo
Oh, up and away
You take me baby
Oh, you take me baby
And then you walk the way you walk
You blow my mind to know the way you walk in my way
Then I fall into your eyes
Up, up and away the way you rise
Oh, baby
The way you make me high
Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just the game I play
All up and away
Oh, all up and away
You take me baby
Up for you, I'd give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up, up and away you go
All up and away
Oh, you take me baby
Yeah
Mmmmm baby
Awwww baby
When I Look To The Sky ~ Train
Yes, it's sappy. Yes, it's pop. But I dig these guys, and this is a neat song. I'm entitled to be girlie now and again. Another song that rings true. Maybe I have done something right with this playlist …
When it rains it pours and opens doors
that flood the floors we thought would always
keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn’t say
that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor
we didn’t have before
Every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away
While I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way
Whether I'm up or down or in or out
or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything
that life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by
When I feel like there is no one
that will ever know me
there you are to show me
When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
Why Don't You and I (featuring Alex Band) ~ Santana
Yeah, I've used this one before. Included it because it comes pretty close to summarizing my feelings the first time I said "I love you." I had butterflies, I was nervous, I was scared that I would fuck up a good thing. What a relief that I wasn't the only one who felt all that. We are standing on the edge of a cliff, running along razor's edge. And like I said before, I am scared shitless about what I feel. But that still goes back to my fear of failure, my fear of rejection. Anyway, it's a damned happy song. And Santana rules.
Miracle Drug ~ U2
Quoted this one before, but it's a great song. One of the more underrated tunes on U2's latest. What's my miracle drug? What would I give up romantic love for? I guess if you don't know the answer to that, you haven't been reading enough. Yeah, I know it's scary.
I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see
I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out
Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug
Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...
I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug
God I need your help tonight
Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug
Miracle, miracle drug
Baby, You're Right (Feat. Susan Tedeschi) ~ Derek Trucks Band
No lyrics for this one, dammit. But it's a good song, and it earned its place on this list. Trust me.
Feelin' Love ~ Paula Cole
Such a sensual, sexy, raunchy song. Yet Paula Cole makes it sound so pretty. And at the risk of sharing too much, it's oh so true.
Love, love
You make me feel like a sticky pistil...
leaning into a stamen
You make me feel like a mister sunshine...
Himself
You make me feel like splendor in the grass...
While we're rollin'
DAMN SKIPPY BABY
You make me feel like the Amazon's runnin' between...
my thighs
CHORUS:
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love, love
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love
You make me feel like a candy apple
All red and horny
You make me feel like I wanna be a dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door
And I would open the door and...
I'd be all wet
With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt...
That I'm wearing
And you would open the door and tie...
Me up to the bed
Chorus:
Lover, but I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White? Am I Isis? Ohhh...
Lover, I'm laced with your unconscious
Oh baby babe babe baby
I will be your Desdemona ahhhhh...
Take your time
You make me feel Ahaa
You make me feel WooWoo baby
You make me feel Ahaa mmm
You make me feel loved
So yeah, there you have it. If there was any doubt that I was in love, this list should settle that question. And yes, this is all stuff I would say in person if I wasn't such a chickenshit afraid of fucking up things. Anyway, I think I need some sleep. I'm going to have a wicked hangover in a few hours …
It's not necessarily the "mother of all playlists," but it does seem to do a fairly good job of describing my feelings. I feel sorta chickenshit for doing things this way instead of coming up with my own words, but it does go back to the fact that a lot of people have felt what I'm feeling and they've done a better job of describing it. I guess I don't trust myself to explain my feelings without screwing it up some how. Then there's the fear of fucking up a really good thing, which is something I don't think I'm in danger of doing, but you never know. Fear of failure didn't play a big role in my "other" life, but it looms a little larger these days. Fear of rejection, well, I've covered that before and it's a very real fear because I don't know if I could handle it again. I'm sure I'd find a way to cope, but I don't know that I'd be able to bounce back as quickly.
So, at the risk of sharing too much (as I'm prone to doing), here are the songs and why I picked them.
The Scientist ~ Coldplay
Yet another Coldplay song I ignored until recently. It's not quite as catchy as "Clocks," but it's simple and melodic. These are the lyrics that did it for me:
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
In Your Eyes ~ Peter Gabriel
This was a tough choice. This had been "our song" when I was with the ex. I couldn't listen to it for a long time. But it's not about him any more; it's about me and my feelings toward the special guy in my life. I guess I thought it was neat the ex said that this song described how he felt about me when we got together. I always liked the song, so I thought, "OK, that's cool." I understood the lyrics, but I never really felt kind of connection I should have. Until recently. Be afraid.
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
One Thing ~ Finger Eleven
Scott turned me onto this song, and it's a good one. I appreciated the song even more after I read what singer Scott Anderson had to say on the band's web site: "It’s never cool to regret the things you didn’t do, right? I wrote myself a note in the form of a song to tell myself just that. If you’d like to become less of a coward than you already are, try this one." Life is too short not to take chances. Everyday, I'm thankful I took the chance to say three little, but important, words.
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
More ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
I've included his stuff on another playlist; I used "What Makes You" — a duet he did with Norah Jones. Another guy with a neat voice. Simple lyrics, but the song serves as a reminder to me that some times you just have to let go and see what happens.
Don’t cry
I’ll wait
Patient
While we
Pass through
Something
More than you
More than me
Larger than memory
So let go
You must know
One thing
It’s more than you
More than me
Larger than memory
Bring Me To Life ~ Evanescence
One of my favorite songs by these guys. It's powerful musically and lyrically, which is a bonus. One of the most amazing things about our relationship is that I'm feeling things I didn't think I'd feel again for a very, very long time, and the intensity of those feelings. The majority of the lyrics seem to fit. Was I living a lie when I was married? I don't know if I wan to make that leap, but something wasn't right. Still, this song (to me at least) is more about finding myself — with the help of someone very special to show the way.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside!)
Bring me to life
Collide (Live At State Theater) ~ Howie Day
Yes, I've used this song on other playlists before. And the song isn't exactly 100 percent accurate. I do like the message, and I love Howie's voice. It might be one of those deals where I'm the "you" in this song. Full lyrics for explanation.
(Verse 1)
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
Your barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
do do do do x 4
(Verse 2)
I'm open, your closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
(Chorus 1)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
do do do do x 4
(Verse 3)
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
(Chorus 2)
Even the best fall down sometime
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I Somehow find
You and I collide
(Bridge)
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
do do do do x 8
(Chorus 3)
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
do do do do x2
You finally find
You and I collide
do do do do x 2
You finally find that
You and I collide
do do do do x 2
Hope for Me Yet ~ Marc Broussard
I've mentioned this song before, but it's a really good song. There are many times where I feel like I don't deserve to be this happy, that I don't deserve to be with a guy as great as Scott. But if there's one thing I've gained in the past three months, it's the knowledge that I am capable of loving and being loved. I honestly feel that being loved by him makes me a better person. I know life is better with him in it; I really do feel a sense of hope, something I almost gave up on thanks to what the ex did. Anyway, this is a great song and it's one I hold fairly dear to my heart.
I could bless the water
But it wouldn't turn to wine
Paint a picture of the sunset
Hanging there in your eyes
But it'd just be some compromise
I could write a million verses
Every word you've heard before
Steal some of Dylan's best
But it'd leave me wanting to say more
Cause there's so much more
Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
Sometimes when I look back
I don't even know myself
It blows my mind to think that I've found grace in someone else
Baby your grace is something else
Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
For a man who's done nothing
I've been blessed with so much more than I deserve
I'm smart enough to know that I've been handed something
Can't put a price on what it's worth
Baby if you could love somone like me
There's no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aerosmith
"Armageddon" was a fairly hokey movie, but I always had a soft spot for this song. I think out of all the songs on this playlist, this is the one that sums up my feelings the best. I'm grateful for every minute I can spend with Scott, and I miss him terribly when we're apart. I don't want to miss anything with him, especially with how strong my feelings are. Full lyrics are in a previous entry, but the chorus rings true:
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Maybe I'm Amazed ~ Jem
I just discovered this version of a fabulous Beatles song. Thank god this is a happier song than the Beatles stuff I've included in the past. This is off the second O.C. soundtrack. It's a show I've never watched, but they do pick cool music. It's a sparse arrangement, and I think because of that, the vocals really hit me. Jem has made appearances on other playlists as well, and I do dig her voice. Not quite as soulful as McCartney, and I do miss the the way the Beatles play this song. But it's not a bad cover. At its core, this is a song about vulnerability. I'm certainly vulnerable, and I am scared shitless about what I feel at times. It's not a bad thing, but we haven't been together all that long. Then again, when you know, you know. Anyway. This one does hit really close to home. Maybe I'm sharing too much, I don't know. I can't change the way I feel.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever have me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I need you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Love Song ~ Pink
Included this on the original "breakup" playlist with the hope that maybe someday, it would apply. For someone who doesn't take herself too seriously, this is a great song from Pink. I think I might know the answers to these questions, but I hate assuming. Another song about being vulnerable.
I've never written a love song
That didn't end in tears.
Maybe you'll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears.
I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more.
When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?
There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself.
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect.
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars.
Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?
I need to hear that you'll die for me
Again and again and again.
So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times.
'Cause I will love you for the rest of my life.
This is my very first love song
That didn't end in tears.
I think you re-wrote my love song
for the rest of my years.
I will love you for the rest of my life.
Meaning (Stripped Version) ~ Gavin DeGraw
Good ol Gavin DeGraw. This might be my favorite song of the year. And it's another one I hoped would fit someday, and thankfully, I've found someone I can dedicate this song to. It's another song about hope and optimism, two things I need a lot of these days. This time around, love has been good to me. Sometimes the only way is jumping | I hope you're not afraid of heights
Yeah, we both jumped on this one. Falling isn't the bad part, it's the sudden stop, someone said. And he's right.
Hail to the light that my baby watches me
In the darkness of the window
I can hardly get to sleep
Wish for the hour that
The nighttime soon shall pass
And the morning dew will bring us
To a day our souls can last
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Situation candlelight
Enough to see the bits around you
But it's never very bright
Stare at a memory
You, through the grapevine, heard the truth
It's good to learn from your mistakes
But that only works in youth
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Restless minds; curtain calls follow fanfares
Troubled hearts; just a walk down the hall
Restless hearts; you take a punch just to land one
Troubled minds; it's only fair after all
Mountin' the trail, but you've got it in sight
Sometimes the only way is jumping
I hope you're not afraid of heights
Reach in my pocket for a bill that isn't there
And to face all of the undoings
Still isn't more than I can bear
Love has a reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Giving love
Love, love
It's all been good to me
It's all been good to me
Love has reason
There's a meaning to the world
We're giving love
Up And Away ~ Dave Matthews
Another favorite of mine, and another song about appreciating the little things in life. I can say in all honesty that being with Scott makes my world a better place. If things get shitty at work, I just think about him and it's all good. He was definitely one of the first people I thought of when it became clear I would be single.
Everyday, everyday with you
Every little thing you do the way you do
Little darlin' in your eyes
Got me all up and away
You get me high
I saw you there, since then everyday
It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in every way
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high
Like I'm gone, ooo
Oh, up and away
You take me baby
Oh, you take me baby
And then you walk the way you walk
You blow my mind to know the way you walk in my way
Then I fall into your eyes
Up, up and away the way you rise
Oh, baby
The way you make me high
Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just the game I play
All up and away
Oh, all up and away
You take me baby
Up for you, I'd give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up, up and away you go
All up and away
Oh, you take me baby
Yeah
Mmmmm baby
Awwww baby
When I Look To The Sky ~ Train
Yes, it's sappy. Yes, it's pop. But I dig these guys, and this is a neat song. I'm entitled to be girlie now and again. Another song that rings true. Maybe I have done something right with this playlist …
When it rains it pours and opens doors
that flood the floors we thought would always
keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn’t say
that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor
we didn’t have before
Every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away
While I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way
Whether I'm up or down or in or out
or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything
that life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by
When I feel like there is no one
that will ever know me
there you are to show me
When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
Why Don't You and I (featuring Alex Band) ~ Santana
Yeah, I've used this one before. Included it because it comes pretty close to summarizing my feelings the first time I said "I love you." I had butterflies, I was nervous, I was scared that I would fuck up a good thing. What a relief that I wasn't the only one who felt all that. We are standing on the edge of a cliff, running along razor's edge. And like I said before, I am scared shitless about what I feel. But that still goes back to my fear of failure, my fear of rejection. Anyway, it's a damned happy song. And Santana rules.
Miracle Drug ~ U2
Quoted this one before, but it's a great song. One of the more underrated tunes on U2's latest. What's my miracle drug? What would I give up romantic love for? I guess if you don't know the answer to that, you haven't been reading enough. Yeah, I know it's scary.
I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see
I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out
Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug
Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...
I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug
God I need your help tonight
Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug
Miracle, miracle drug
Baby, You're Right (Feat. Susan Tedeschi) ~ Derek Trucks Band
No lyrics for this one, dammit. But it's a good song, and it earned its place on this list. Trust me.
Feelin' Love ~ Paula Cole
Such a sensual, sexy, raunchy song. Yet Paula Cole makes it sound so pretty. And at the risk of sharing too much, it's oh so true.
Love, love
You make me feel like a sticky pistil...
leaning into a stamen
You make me feel like a mister sunshine...
Himself
You make me feel like splendor in the grass...
While we're rollin'
DAMN SKIPPY BABY
You make me feel like the Amazon's runnin' between...
my thighs
CHORUS:
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love, love
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love
You make me feel like a candy apple
All red and horny
You make me feel like I wanna be a dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door
And I would open the door and...
I'd be all wet
With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt...
That I'm wearing
And you would open the door and tie...
Me up to the bed
Chorus:
Lover, but I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White? Am I Isis? Ohhh...
Lover, I'm laced with your unconscious
Oh baby babe babe baby
I will be your Desdemona ahhhhh...
Take your time
You make me feel Ahaa
You make me feel WooWoo baby
You make me feel Ahaa mmm
You make me feel loved
So yeah, there you have it. If there was any doubt that I was in love, this list should settle that question. And yes, this is all stuff I would say in person if I wasn't such a chickenshit afraid of fucking up things. Anyway, I think I need some sleep. I'm going to have a wicked hangover in a few hours …
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Six months down...
I've wrestled with what to write about "the bomb" — that is to say, the day that Tom said he didn't want to be married to me any more. After reading a journal entry I've only shared with one other person, I figured now is as good a time as any to throw it out here for whoever (as if there's an audience) to see. I don't really care who reads it; I'm far away enough from that dark place where it's not scary or shocking for me to read what I wrote that night. Like I warned you, this shit isn't pretty. But it's honest, and it's me. And I'm not sorry for writing it.
June 19, 2004 3:16:44 AM
you aren't sure if this is the worst day. you're still numb, not sure how to process the information. you keep hoping you'll wake up, that it's a mistake, a cruel joke. you say that all great writers have some sort of traumatic experience, that it'll make a good book. if you're lucky, and smart, you'll write your novel.
you avoid mirrors because you don't want to see the hurt you feel. you close your eyes when you write because you don't want to read the words. you can't rationalize any of it. you're in denial, angry, hurt, numb all at the same time. you want a physical scar to go with your emotional ones. but you decide to channel this hurt, this emotion and write it down instead. this kind of energy and emotion doesn't come along everyday.
it wasn't supposed to be like this, you never saw it coming. you can't think of anything you would've done differently, and know deep down there's nothing you could've done.
you want to fight because it's worth fighting for. you'll miss waiting for the phone calls, waking up together. you love the feeling of hope that the car driving by will pull into the driveway, and how that means he's coming home to you. for right now, this is what hurts the most. it doesn't make sense, there should be bigger things but soon enough, the small things will add up to bigger things.
it's hard to type through tears, but you do it because you don't want to forget. anything worth having is worth going through this kind of pain. it's the only rationalization that makes sense for now.
you had other thoughts while sitting on the couch in the dark, but you can't latch onto any of them. there's too much churning, too much to try and remember.
and as you get ready to end this first installment, the introduction to whatever this will bring, you know that this is the worst day. because the other days haven't been written.
June 19, 2004 3:33:59 AM
Yeah, I wanted to inflict physical pain upon myself for about 48-72 hours after he told me. I know now that he wasn't worth the effort, that I'm better off. But do you really think I would've believed I'd be better off if you shoved a crystal ball in my face and showed me how happy I am today? I didn't want to see it, didn't want to believe it. This was my husband, you know, "till death do you part" and all that holly, jolly shit. Marriage is a commitment to me, not some promise you throw away because someone else catches your eye. But I digress.
Here's an e-mail I sent him the next morning. I was a fucking wreck, as if you couldn't tell by the writing. I included a bunch of e-mails he sent me when we first got together as a way to remind him of how he felt. I didn't include those since, well, whatever.
From: me@mac.com
Subject: once upon a time
Date: June 19, 2004 11:54:41 AM MDT
To: him@mac.com
yes of course i saved these. read every single word, especially the ones you wrote to me. my dumbass comments aren't the important ones.
am i being a little bit psycho about his? probably. i don't mean to be. i don't know how else to deal with it. crying isn't doing a whole lot for me any more. writing in my journal has accomplished little except more tears. and it's difficult to know if you're writing the right words if you can't see. but there aren't any right words for this, for any of this.
but i can describe what i'm feeling, since it was too hard this morning while i was crying. i am flattened, crushed, utterly destroyed. i am ready to abandon all hope. i cannot imagine life without you as my husband. i don't want anyone else. i don't know how to move forward, if i can or if i want to. i'm assuming this is the first of many low points. i may need to see someone, talk to someone professionally. i don't know.
i didn't want to turn this into one of those notes, so i'll stop. please promise me you'll read all of this. i know things have changed since then. but i refuse, i cannot believe they could have changed so much.
enough from me. read these, read the words from the man who said i was the realization of every hope and dream he ever had. and then please tell me you're still that man.
gotta go. floodgates opened.
jen
---
Oh, the denial. I can say that now. I didn't want to hear that then, no way in hell. Not just a river in Egypt, as they say. At least I can laugh now.
And there's the fact I listened to Peter Gabriel's "I Grieve" for about 3 hours or so that day. I wanted to remember the pain, I wanted to wallow in it. But here's the big lesson from all of this, the one I'm sure everyone hoped I would learn: Life goes on. I can imagine life without him, I'm living that life. I do want someone else, and he's a wonderfully amazing man who makes me feel loved and appreciated. I've said I have a running joke about "I was married?" I'm not joking when I say my guy makes me forget all that. It's just on a completely different level from what I had with the ex. It is better in every single way, and yeah, that scares the shit out of me — partly because I never thought I'd feel this way, and because I don't want to fuck up. Dear god, don't let me fuck up. The obvious comment out of that is, "Well, if you feel all this and it's better than when you were married, shouldn't you --" Don't finish that thought. Don't do it. Just don't. The fact I typed that observation is scary enough. Walking a very, very fine line here. In my heart, I know what I want. But I'm terrified of sharing that. You would be too if you had been where I've been. Yes, I am stone-cold sober at this point. I'm sure I've shared too much, but that's what I do. And it's not like this isn't stuff I wasn't planning on addressing. But not yet, not now. Anyway.
The most precious thing I have, the one thing that didn't leave me despite the fact I tried to kill it, is hope. I didn't know I'd be OK, I didn't know I'd get a pretty decent job, I didn't know I'd fall in love with an incredibly wonderful man. Somewhere, deep down, when I was in the thick of this, I hoped some of that would happen. I don't know when I knew I'd be OK. There was a lot of encouragement from a lot of people. I know the past three months have been easier because of Scott. Work helped a little bit too. Once I decided who I wanted to be, once I realized I was strong enough to move forward, things started to fall into place. Getting back into newspapers was a big help. Falling in love … I've mentioned before that I fought it. Not because of the person in question, but because I didn't want a rebound; I didn't want to hurt someone else, or be hurt myself. I wanted to fall in love for the right reasons, I didn't want to rush it. I didn't think I'd want to open up to someone, to let someone get close again. And here I am, tonight, trying to sort through an iTunes playlist chock full of mushy, girlie love songs to give to Scott. Heh. Maybe I'll get it done before Christmas. The point is, it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance. And I'm so glad I took that chance, so glad I said those three little words one day in October. So grateful I didn't scare him off, so thrilled he loves me too. So thankful he's part of my life.
I have come a long way. I still have some things to work through, but not nearly as much as I did six months ago. I really am a different person. My perspective has changed a great deal, and I have a very clear idea of who and what is important to me right now. I'm career minded, sure, but to quote someone, I work to live, not live to work. My emotional, physical and spiritual well-being take precedence (well, I still don't eat that great, but I'm a journalist). I'm 180 degrees from where I was in June. And some day, I don't think I'll make such a big deal about these kinds of milestones. But I've let go enough to where it's OK for me to look back like this, to remember what I went through that first day. Yeah, I was in a very dark place for awhile. And I guess if I wasn't, there could be cause for worry. But I think it was a normal part of the healing process. I'm just lucky I don't have to interact with the ex; hell, I have no desire to do so. I think I mentioned somewhere (probably more than once) that he can take a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut. I just shrug now. The anger and the bitterness, well, I'm just that kind of person really, but they don't rule my life. I don't wish ill upon the ex (that often); frankly, I've got better things to worry about, more important people to expend the energy on. Maybe one day, we will be friends. But not today, not tomorrow. My life is better without him.
And you know, maybe this is the way things were supposed to work out. I'm incredibly happy, happier than I've ever been. Life isn't perfect, but it's my life. I do have the rest of my life to go, that rare second chance that I need to grab hold of and run with. I keep saying life is too short not to take chances. It hasn't been the easiest thing to live by, but the two big things — work and love — are going quite well. My other motto (for lack of a better word) about the best revenge is living well … the fact I'm as happy and in love as I am goes a long way toward that. But that's one where I'd like to see where I am in five years, and where the ex is. My money's still on me — not just because I don't want him to get the better of me, but because I *do* have hope, and because I know what I'm feeling in my heart. But that's another entry for another time.
Posted: Sat - December 18, 2004 at 03:50 AM
June 19, 2004 3:16:44 AM
you aren't sure if this is the worst day. you're still numb, not sure how to process the information. you keep hoping you'll wake up, that it's a mistake, a cruel joke. you say that all great writers have some sort of traumatic experience, that it'll make a good book. if you're lucky, and smart, you'll write your novel.
you avoid mirrors because you don't want to see the hurt you feel. you close your eyes when you write because you don't want to read the words. you can't rationalize any of it. you're in denial, angry, hurt, numb all at the same time. you want a physical scar to go with your emotional ones. but you decide to channel this hurt, this emotion and write it down instead. this kind of energy and emotion doesn't come along everyday.
it wasn't supposed to be like this, you never saw it coming. you can't think of anything you would've done differently, and know deep down there's nothing you could've done.
you want to fight because it's worth fighting for. you'll miss waiting for the phone calls, waking up together. you love the feeling of hope that the car driving by will pull into the driveway, and how that means he's coming home to you. for right now, this is what hurts the most. it doesn't make sense, there should be bigger things but soon enough, the small things will add up to bigger things.
it's hard to type through tears, but you do it because you don't want to forget. anything worth having is worth going through this kind of pain. it's the only rationalization that makes sense for now.
you had other thoughts while sitting on the couch in the dark, but you can't latch onto any of them. there's too much churning, too much to try and remember.
and as you get ready to end this first installment, the introduction to whatever this will bring, you know that this is the worst day. because the other days haven't been written.
June 19, 2004 3:33:59 AM
Yeah, I wanted to inflict physical pain upon myself for about 48-72 hours after he told me. I know now that he wasn't worth the effort, that I'm better off. But do you really think I would've believed I'd be better off if you shoved a crystal ball in my face and showed me how happy I am today? I didn't want to see it, didn't want to believe it. This was my husband, you know, "till death do you part" and all that holly, jolly shit. Marriage is a commitment to me, not some promise you throw away because someone else catches your eye. But I digress.
Here's an e-mail I sent him the next morning. I was a fucking wreck, as if you couldn't tell by the writing. I included a bunch of e-mails he sent me when we first got together as a way to remind him of how he felt. I didn't include those since, well, whatever.
From: me@mac.com
Subject: once upon a time
Date: June 19, 2004 11:54:41 AM MDT
To: him@mac.com
yes of course i saved these. read every single word, especially the ones you wrote to me. my dumbass comments aren't the important ones.
am i being a little bit psycho about his? probably. i don't mean to be. i don't know how else to deal with it. crying isn't doing a whole lot for me any more. writing in my journal has accomplished little except more tears. and it's difficult to know if you're writing the right words if you can't see. but there aren't any right words for this, for any of this.
but i can describe what i'm feeling, since it was too hard this morning while i was crying. i am flattened, crushed, utterly destroyed. i am ready to abandon all hope. i cannot imagine life without you as my husband. i don't want anyone else. i don't know how to move forward, if i can or if i want to. i'm assuming this is the first of many low points. i may need to see someone, talk to someone professionally. i don't know.
i didn't want to turn this into one of those notes, so i'll stop. please promise me you'll read all of this. i know things have changed since then. but i refuse, i cannot believe they could have changed so much.
enough from me. read these, read the words from the man who said i was the realization of every hope and dream he ever had. and then please tell me you're still that man.
gotta go. floodgates opened.
jen
---
Oh, the denial. I can say that now. I didn't want to hear that then, no way in hell. Not just a river in Egypt, as they say. At least I can laugh now.
And there's the fact I listened to Peter Gabriel's "I Grieve" for about 3 hours or so that day. I wanted to remember the pain, I wanted to wallow in it. But here's the big lesson from all of this, the one I'm sure everyone hoped I would learn: Life goes on. I can imagine life without him, I'm living that life. I do want someone else, and he's a wonderfully amazing man who makes me feel loved and appreciated. I've said I have a running joke about "I was married?" I'm not joking when I say my guy makes me forget all that. It's just on a completely different level from what I had with the ex. It is better in every single way, and yeah, that scares the shit out of me — partly because I never thought I'd feel this way, and because I don't want to fuck up. Dear god, don't let me fuck up. The obvious comment out of that is, "Well, if you feel all this and it's better than when you were married, shouldn't you --" Don't finish that thought. Don't do it. Just don't. The fact I typed that observation is scary enough. Walking a very, very fine line here. In my heart, I know what I want. But I'm terrified of sharing that. You would be too if you had been where I've been. Yes, I am stone-cold sober at this point. I'm sure I've shared too much, but that's what I do. And it's not like this isn't stuff I wasn't planning on addressing. But not yet, not now. Anyway.
The most precious thing I have, the one thing that didn't leave me despite the fact I tried to kill it, is hope. I didn't know I'd be OK, I didn't know I'd get a pretty decent job, I didn't know I'd fall in love with an incredibly wonderful man. Somewhere, deep down, when I was in the thick of this, I hoped some of that would happen. I don't know when I knew I'd be OK. There was a lot of encouragement from a lot of people. I know the past three months have been easier because of Scott. Work helped a little bit too. Once I decided who I wanted to be, once I realized I was strong enough to move forward, things started to fall into place. Getting back into newspapers was a big help. Falling in love … I've mentioned before that I fought it. Not because of the person in question, but because I didn't want a rebound; I didn't want to hurt someone else, or be hurt myself. I wanted to fall in love for the right reasons, I didn't want to rush it. I didn't think I'd want to open up to someone, to let someone get close again. And here I am, tonight, trying to sort through an iTunes playlist chock full of mushy, girlie love songs to give to Scott. Heh. Maybe I'll get it done before Christmas. The point is, it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance. And I'm so glad I took that chance, so glad I said those three little words one day in October. So grateful I didn't scare him off, so thrilled he loves me too. So thankful he's part of my life.
I have come a long way. I still have some things to work through, but not nearly as much as I did six months ago. I really am a different person. My perspective has changed a great deal, and I have a very clear idea of who and what is important to me right now. I'm career minded, sure, but to quote someone, I work to live, not live to work. My emotional, physical and spiritual well-being take precedence (well, I still don't eat that great, but I'm a journalist). I'm 180 degrees from where I was in June. And some day, I don't think I'll make such a big deal about these kinds of milestones. But I've let go enough to where it's OK for me to look back like this, to remember what I went through that first day. Yeah, I was in a very dark place for awhile. And I guess if I wasn't, there could be cause for worry. But I think it was a normal part of the healing process. I'm just lucky I don't have to interact with the ex; hell, I have no desire to do so. I think I mentioned somewhere (probably more than once) that he can take a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut. I just shrug now. The anger and the bitterness, well, I'm just that kind of person really, but they don't rule my life. I don't wish ill upon the ex (that often); frankly, I've got better things to worry about, more important people to expend the energy on. Maybe one day, we will be friends. But not today, not tomorrow. My life is better without him.
And you know, maybe this is the way things were supposed to work out. I'm incredibly happy, happier than I've ever been. Life isn't perfect, but it's my life. I do have the rest of my life to go, that rare second chance that I need to grab hold of and run with. I keep saying life is too short not to take chances. It hasn't been the easiest thing to live by, but the two big things — work and love — are going quite well. My other motto (for lack of a better word) about the best revenge is living well … the fact I'm as happy and in love as I am goes a long way toward that. But that's one where I'd like to see where I am in five years, and where the ex is. My money's still on me — not just because I don't want him to get the better of me, but because I *do* have hope, and because I know what I'm feeling in my heart. But that's another entry for another time.
Posted: Sat - December 18, 2004 at 03:50 AM
Friday, December 17, 2004
This week's musical selection
Take a wild guess who this song is for. And it will be on a CD headed his way, whenever I get brave enough to finalize the playlist.
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aeromsmith
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ Aeromsmith
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing
Monday, December 13, 2004
Time flies
Yeah, no kidding. Where did this year go?
I'm not going to go into how many shopping days are left until Christmas, mostly because I'm only getting gifts for a handful of people to begin with. And I have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Such a goddamned joy. Happy frickin' holidays to you too, work... But I didn't decide to write today to bitch about work.
Starting to get into the mode where I'm ready to look back at 2004 in all of its glory (or lack thereof). And I'm also more or less prepared to look back at the past six month — the 18th is six months since my life changed. And I had an anniversary of sorts on Saturday — it's been three months since my life took a dramatic turn for the better.
I took some time last night to go through one of my old online journals. It'll be archived and nuked sometime after the beginning of the year, I think. The last entry I wrote there talks about things changing in a short period of time, how going with my instincts isn't a bad thing and how things are happening the way they're supposed to. I mentioned how if I could get the ex out of my life, things will be a lot better. That stuff was written on Sept. 28.
Well, the ex isn't a part of my life any more. I don't see him, haven't talked to him, haven't heard from him since I responded to an e-mail from him last month. And I haven't talked to anyone from the paper, so I have no clue how he is, what he's been doing or anything like that. I'm interested in my friends who are there, but couldn't give two shits about the ex. It's a nice place to be. It will be even better when I can just not think about him at all, but I don't suspect that will happen any time soon, but I do expect it to happen.
I'm thrilled, amazed and encouraged that things are going quite well with the wonderfully amazing guy in my life. Not because of him, but because of me and the fact my needy and neurotic side showed itself recently. I'm thrilled because he is such a find — caring, attentive, loving, fun, smart, silly, political, dedicated and plenty more adjectives I can't wrap my brain around right now. I'm so thankful and grateful he's a part of my life, and I can't imagine him not being there. I'm amazed by the connection we made, how I'm fulfilled and content and so at ease with him. I'm amazed by the strength and depth of my feelings toward him and what he feels for me. It's powerful and wonderful and comforting. And I'm encouraged because the part of me that wants to love and trust another man didn't die. A few entries ago I talked about finding balance, and I think I've found it, or I'm on my way to finding it.
But when I look back, there were really only three months where I felt like anything else would be better than the pain I was feeling. The first month was pure hell and I would've rather died than deal with the depression, angst, rejection, you name it. That was the period of time where I didn't eat anything for about 45 days. Well, I ate, just nothing that was terribly nutritious. I cried a lot. I felt sorry for myself. I was angry and bitter. I was in denial, thinking that maybe he'd come back, that he'd made a mistake and would see it and would return. Month Two was less of all that, though I still wanted him back. One of the best things I did was write an e-mail to the future boyfriend to ask him if he was interested in the position of drinking buddy/cool guy friend. Kind of neat to see we got the ball rolling way back in July. Didn't go out until late August, didn't get "serious" until September, didn't say "I love you" until October. Yeah, I keep track of that stuff; I'm a freak like that, but there's a reason why I have more than one journal. In any event, having a positive male influence in my life helped a great deal.
I guess what I'm getting at is that since I've been with Scott, life is just so much better. He's been a huge help; just knowing someone will be there for you is a tremendous comfort. The last three months really have been wonderful and amazing; that's no bullshit, no exaggeration. I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned before that with things going great in the personal life, I really don't care about the rest. The divorce definitely reorganized my priorities; taking care of me is at the top of the list now. Work stays at the office. Life is too short not to take chances. It all comes back to perspective.
But back to the topic at hand, I suppose.
If I had to come up with a metaphor for this year (and here it is, horrible as it might be), it would be a football game. During the first half, it was just average and unremarkable. The teams went into the lockerroom at halftime tied 0-0. Well, the third quarter opened with a bang, and the ex jumped out to a big lead. Our heroine was distraught, ready to give up but managed to close the gap as the third quarter came to an end. But the fourth quarter was hers, and she rallied and kicked his ass. And she and her guy lived happily ever after, the end. Or something.
I really need to stop these philosophical posts at this hour. Bottom line: For all intents and purposes, what was the worst year of my life has turned into the best thing ever. And that's where all that stuff up there about my relationship comes into play. I don't get divorced, I'm not where I am now. I don't get the chance to be with this wonderfully amazing man. I win. That might be an over-simplifcation, but there it is. The ex is out of my life, I win. Scott is in my life, I win. It really is the mother of all fourth-quarter comebacks. I'm still not sure how I'll remember all of 2004; not ready to be that introspective just yet. But I do know I'll remember that the last three months of 2004 were the beginning of the rest of my life. I don't need to be all introspective to know that.
Posted: Mon - December 13, 2004 at 04:05 AM
I'm not going to go into how many shopping days are left until Christmas, mostly because I'm only getting gifts for a handful of people to begin with. And I have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Such a goddamned joy. Happy frickin' holidays to you too, work... But I didn't decide to write today to bitch about work.
Starting to get into the mode where I'm ready to look back at 2004 in all of its glory (or lack thereof). And I'm also more or less prepared to look back at the past six month — the 18th is six months since my life changed. And I had an anniversary of sorts on Saturday — it's been three months since my life took a dramatic turn for the better.
I took some time last night to go through one of my old online journals. It'll be archived and nuked sometime after the beginning of the year, I think. The last entry I wrote there talks about things changing in a short period of time, how going with my instincts isn't a bad thing and how things are happening the way they're supposed to. I mentioned how if I could get the ex out of my life, things will be a lot better. That stuff was written on Sept. 28.
Well, the ex isn't a part of my life any more. I don't see him, haven't talked to him, haven't heard from him since I responded to an e-mail from him last month. And I haven't talked to anyone from the paper, so I have no clue how he is, what he's been doing or anything like that. I'm interested in my friends who are there, but couldn't give two shits about the ex. It's a nice place to be. It will be even better when I can just not think about him at all, but I don't suspect that will happen any time soon, but I do expect it to happen.
I'm thrilled, amazed and encouraged that things are going quite well with the wonderfully amazing guy in my life. Not because of him, but because of me and the fact my needy and neurotic side showed itself recently. I'm thrilled because he is such a find — caring, attentive, loving, fun, smart, silly, political, dedicated and plenty more adjectives I can't wrap my brain around right now. I'm so thankful and grateful he's a part of my life, and I can't imagine him not being there. I'm amazed by the connection we made, how I'm fulfilled and content and so at ease with him. I'm amazed by the strength and depth of my feelings toward him and what he feels for me. It's powerful and wonderful and comforting. And I'm encouraged because the part of me that wants to love and trust another man didn't die. A few entries ago I talked about finding balance, and I think I've found it, or I'm on my way to finding it.
But when I look back, there were really only three months where I felt like anything else would be better than the pain I was feeling. The first month was pure hell and I would've rather died than deal with the depression, angst, rejection, you name it. That was the period of time where I didn't eat anything for about 45 days. Well, I ate, just nothing that was terribly nutritious. I cried a lot. I felt sorry for myself. I was angry and bitter. I was in denial, thinking that maybe he'd come back, that he'd made a mistake and would see it and would return. Month Two was less of all that, though I still wanted him back. One of the best things I did was write an e-mail to the future boyfriend to ask him if he was interested in the position of drinking buddy/cool guy friend. Kind of neat to see we got the ball rolling way back in July. Didn't go out until late August, didn't get "serious" until September, didn't say "I love you" until October. Yeah, I keep track of that stuff; I'm a freak like that, but there's a reason why I have more than one journal. In any event, having a positive male influence in my life helped a great deal.
I guess what I'm getting at is that since I've been with Scott, life is just so much better. He's been a huge help; just knowing someone will be there for you is a tremendous comfort. The last three months really have been wonderful and amazing; that's no bullshit, no exaggeration. I'm happier than I've ever been. I think I've mentioned before that with things going great in the personal life, I really don't care about the rest. The divorce definitely reorganized my priorities; taking care of me is at the top of the list now. Work stays at the office. Life is too short not to take chances. It all comes back to perspective.
But back to the topic at hand, I suppose.
If I had to come up with a metaphor for this year (and here it is, horrible as it might be), it would be a football game. During the first half, it was just average and unremarkable. The teams went into the lockerroom at halftime tied 0-0. Well, the third quarter opened with a bang, and the ex jumped out to a big lead. Our heroine was distraught, ready to give up but managed to close the gap as the third quarter came to an end. But the fourth quarter was hers, and she rallied and kicked his ass. And she and her guy lived happily ever after, the end. Or something.
I really need to stop these philosophical posts at this hour. Bottom line: For all intents and purposes, what was the worst year of my life has turned into the best thing ever. And that's where all that stuff up there about my relationship comes into play. I don't get divorced, I'm not where I am now. I don't get the chance to be with this wonderfully amazing man. I win. That might be an over-simplifcation, but there it is. The ex is out of my life, I win. Scott is in my life, I win. It really is the mother of all fourth-quarter comebacks. I'm still not sure how I'll remember all of 2004; not ready to be that introspective just yet. But I do know I'll remember that the last three months of 2004 were the beginning of the rest of my life. I don't need to be all introspective to know that.
Posted: Mon - December 13, 2004 at 04:05 AM
Friday, December 3, 2004
Token update
It's December. That's scary.
Been writing a lot in my other journal since no one reads this stuff anyway, and much of what I've had to say doesn't need sharing with the world. Work is OK; it's a job. Social life is good and that's what's keeping me sane. Still trying to unpack from the move and get situated; I made pretty decent progress Monday, then I had to go back to work. And it's tough to want to move stuff and unpack at 1 a.m. I haven't even played FFXI for like a month. I seriously suck.
Hard to believe the year is almost over. A lot of 2004 completely, totally sucked. I never want to go through any of that again. Yet in some surprising ways, it's been a great year. I need to ponder this a bit more, but the biggest thing was falling in love. After that, it's probably realizing I don't need the ex in my life. I'm not concerned with what he's doing, I don't care if he knows what I'm doing. I have no desire to contact him. That's actually a big deal for me.
I guess I never thought I'd make it this far. I've done pretty well for the most part, with the exception of a — let's call it another bout of self-doubt — last weekend. I've got some real issues with abandonment and rejection I need to work through. Thankfully, the wonderful man in my life is understanding and patient and not easily scared off. But of all the things I hate about what the ex did to me, it's this: His leaving made me vulnerable, made me afraid of scaring people off, made me question whether I'm worthy of the kind of relationship I'm in. His legacy is that I'm looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has nothing to do with the person I'm with and everything to do with me. It's a scary and unfamiliar feeling. I had some neurotic tendencies anyway; this doesn't help them. But I'll get through this, and get over it. Much like I did with the ex. There are really too many good things about my current situation to dwell on the negative.
Anyway, this got all serious and shit. I'm going to bed.
Posted: Fri - December 3, 2004 at 02:31 AM
Been writing a lot in my other journal since no one reads this stuff anyway, and much of what I've had to say doesn't need sharing with the world. Work is OK; it's a job. Social life is good and that's what's keeping me sane. Still trying to unpack from the move and get situated; I made pretty decent progress Monday, then I had to go back to work. And it's tough to want to move stuff and unpack at 1 a.m. I haven't even played FFXI for like a month. I seriously suck.
Hard to believe the year is almost over. A lot of 2004 completely, totally sucked. I never want to go through any of that again. Yet in some surprising ways, it's been a great year. I need to ponder this a bit more, but the biggest thing was falling in love. After that, it's probably realizing I don't need the ex in my life. I'm not concerned with what he's doing, I don't care if he knows what I'm doing. I have no desire to contact him. That's actually a big deal for me.
I guess I never thought I'd make it this far. I've done pretty well for the most part, with the exception of a — let's call it another bout of self-doubt — last weekend. I've got some real issues with abandonment and rejection I need to work through. Thankfully, the wonderful man in my life is understanding and patient and not easily scared off. But of all the things I hate about what the ex did to me, it's this: His leaving made me vulnerable, made me afraid of scaring people off, made me question whether I'm worthy of the kind of relationship I'm in. His legacy is that I'm looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has nothing to do with the person I'm with and everything to do with me. It's a scary and unfamiliar feeling. I had some neurotic tendencies anyway; this doesn't help them. But I'll get through this, and get over it. Much like I did with the ex. There are really too many good things about my current situation to dwell on the negative.
Anyway, this got all serious and shit. I'm going to bed.
Posted: Fri - December 3, 2004 at 02:31 AM
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