Enjoy the Silence

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can’t you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

Perspective

Been perusing the past entries. I’m amazed at how much can change in a short period of time. I’m also amazed that going with my instincts isn’t a bad thing. I guess I need to trust them a lot more. Things are happening the way they’re meant to, I guess. I can’t complain too much. Schedules suck, but that’s life, right?

I think if I can just get the ex out of my life, things will be a lot better. He doesn’t know I’m moving, doesn’t know I’m seeing someone. I don’t care if he finds out; he won’t find out from me. Anything with him will be on my terms now. The only thing really tying me to him is the cell phone, and I’m getting the billing shit taken care of this week — with or without him. I don’t want him having any control over me. The time in the mountains really proved I want to be rid of him and focus my energy on someone else. Yes, I’m still making time for me; that’s one of the things I promised myself and I will do it. But my instincts were right. I’m not second-guessing myself for being a little gun-shy or indifferent. I do realize wasting energy on the “other one” was … I guess that was my way of trying to figure out what I want. I still don’t really know. And it wasn’t really a waste of energy. Things are turning out the way they should with that situation. Coffee buddies is fine. I really shouldn’t have tried to make there be something more. Will I tell him how I felt? Not a whole lot of point now. We’ll see. Signs point to “no.”

There’s something to be said for taking things a day at a time. I knew I felt a certain way Sunday; Monday reinforced it and helped me realize that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Head over heels in love? No. Not now. Not yet. Still in wait and see mode. I’ve got the time to see where this is headed, and I don’t need to rush anything.

Tired and rambling again. Back at work tomorrow.

Home sweet home

Just got back from the weekend camping trip. It was fun and tiring at the same time. Took lots of pictures, not sure if I’ll link to them from here or not.

I’ve got a ton of laundry to do... everything I brought with me smells like a campfire. And I still have no hot water, which sucks major amounts of ass. Everything will get washed on cold and I’ll figure out a way to get clean later. It will involve microwaving/boiling water. I can’t fucking wait. I mean really, all you want when you come home from camping is 1) flush toilets and 2) hot water.

There’s something to be said for not having to get dressed and take a flashlight to go potty in the middle of the night...

More soon.

Finally...

Yes, two 12-hour days later, I have arrived at my long weekend. There will be no phones, no TV, no bullshit. Just a bunch of us females drinking, eating and relaxing. I’ve been looking forward to this trip for a long time, and it should be a lot of fun. Maybe not as much fun as my trip east could’ve been, but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper and it still gets me out of work. I’m planning on taking a lot of pics and will have the trusty laptop by my side. We’ll be in the boonies, but there’s power and water, which is good enough for me.

Work has been a chore the past two days and I really don’t know how productive I ended up being. It’s hard to work when I’m this tired. I had a really hard time focusing today. But I got stuff done and hopefully, it’s what the boss was looking for.

I’ll hit it hard when I get back, but I’m OK with that. It will be nice to get away and do nothing. I’ve never looked forward to leaving civilization more than I’m looking forward to this trip.

The only downside is the hot water heater in the house isn’t working right now, and I hope the landlords can get it fixed by the time I get back. And if not, I hope we have an Indian summer so it gets hot. I’m not counting on it. At least I will be able to take a proper shower at Trish’s tomorrow before we get on the road.

Speaking of which, should try and catch some sleep since she’ll be calling me at 7:30.

Oh, and the ex can officially take a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut. I’m sick of him and his bullshit. He still owes me money and was a pussy and didn’t call me back today. Fuck him. Heh. I found out some other friends of ours are very disappointed in him and can’t stand her. Funny how that’s working out. I haven’t talked to some of these folks in a year, and they’re still on my side. That makes me smile.

Rambling. Must try and sleep.

Sleep?

So I’ve planned a 12-hour day at work in a few hours to work on a project for the boss, and do you think I’m going to bed at a decent hour? Yeah, that would be foolish of me. I want to get to the office around noon (the alarm will be going off at 10:15) and do a few odds and ends before I head in. Not sure if that will happen, but it’s stuff I need to do before my trip.

The problem is that I picked up Star Wars on DVD tonight, and had to watch it. Well, “A New Hope” at least. Maybe I’ll do ESB tomorrow, not sure. Got another long day there too, probably. I will be good and wiped out by Thursday, but as long as I can get up in time to make it to Trish’s at 9 in the god-damned morning, I can sleep in the car. Oh, and I guess I should pack at some point too.

In any event, ANH looked gorgeous. I was a little disappointed with the sound, but I might not have the Bose set up right or something. What the hell do I know? I suspect the further along I get in the trilogy, the better it will sound. Anyway, who knows how much updating I’ll get to in the next two days. I certainly won’t be around for the days I’m up in the mountains. I’ll have the laptop, though, and the camera. The trip will be fully documented. Probably won’t be as much fun as what I originally had planned, but it still will be good to get away.

Off to attempt sleep.

See ya, summer

Fall officially starts tomorrow, and summer hasn’t been here for weeks. If the weather was like this all the time, I wouldn’t complain. Highs in the 70s, lows in the 30s or 40s. Oh wait. I used to live some place like that. And there was an ocean and beaches and good food and good times. But that feels like a lifetime ago. It was another me ago, that’s for sure.

People talk a lot about summer romances, but I’m pretty sure most of the falling in love I’ve done was in the fall. I hooked up with the ex in the fall, was married in the fall... I guess it’s all a matter of what significance I give these things. Dates, seasons, holidays. I don’t know. It’s too much to ponder before I have to head to work I guess.

Three months and ... ?

It’s a long time, and it isn’t. A marriage and a best friend lost. A job found. New direction in life, a willingness to relocate for work. I guess the bottom line is that I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people.

If I look at the three months from March to June, it’s all fairly unremarkable. Nothing stands out, except for maybe losing the part-time job, or the fact I decided to write again. June to September, well, I’ve never been through something like that before. Obviously, ending the marriage was a big thing. I am surprised, however, at how much my attitude toward the ex has changed. I thought I’d want him to be a part of my life, and maybe some day I’ll feel that way again, but I’ve got other things to focus on, other people I want to focus my attention on. If not for the fact he still owed me money, I’m certain I’d tell him to go fuck himself. I don’t like being lied to, I don’t like dishonesty — especially by omission.

There’s nothing wrong with me being selfish. More than any other time, I need to take care of me. I need to do what’s good for me. That doesn’t mean abandoning people or not looking out for them; it just means I’m really looking out for myself. Not necessarily a great thing, but it beats the hell out of doing things for people who don’t appreciate them, or won’t respond regardless of what it is. Or when they do respond, it’s “haha... I’d love to do that for you but I’m out of town. lol.” Fuck him. Give me my money and then enjoy your white trash life. Not worth the energy. Must remember that.

So for the moment, things are going well. I have decided to stop trying to sugar-coat how I’m feeling at work. I don’t have to be Little Mary Sunshine all the time; that’s not who I am to begin with. I wasn’t having a good day yesterday to begin with. On top of that, one of the cityside people wouldn’t shut the hell up. The thing that made the night tolerable was the fact all of sports was in the gutter, and that was pretty damned amusing. Not going to go into any detail about who did or didn’t call this weekend; needless to say, I won’t be making any effort with one person. The other, well, I knew chances were slim, but at least he’s made an effort.

And rejection, well, I’ve covered that before. Do your worst. Really. I can take a lot these days. Don’t really like it, but I can handle it. The stuff lately isn’t really rejection per se; it’s more of a lack of courtesy than anything else. Follow through, that’s all. I guess it’s proof I put my expectations in the wrong place. I wont’ be doing that again. I was fine before, I’ll be fine now.

Anyway, it wouldn’t be a proper LJ entry without music to go with the angst. Here’s another playlist I did to “commemorate” the three months since “the bomb.”

1. Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters
Love this song. I’ve covered why before.

2. Soul To Squeeze ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers
Pretty good advice here. Peace of mind... I’ve heard of that.

Where I go, I just don’t know.
I’ve got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I’m gonna give you some of my good time.

Today love smiled on me,
And took away my pain, said please.
Oh let your ride be free.
You gotta let it be,
Oh yeah.

3. Rearviewmirror ~ Pearl Jam
Not looking back is a hard thing. But it’s necessary. The funny thing is, it’s getting tougher to remember those good times, the way things used to be. Ask me on my anniversary next month if I feel the same.

Saw things (4x)
Clearer (2x)
Once you, were in my... rearviewmirror...

I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all I’m far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...

4. Gotta Be More ~ Marc Broussard
Yeah, him again. Deal with it.

5. Where the Streets Have No Name ~ U2
From the Elevation DVD, of course.

6. Lonesome Day ~ Bruce Springsteen
I’ve had a few of these lately, but compared to the way things were a month ago, it’s tough to complain. That won’t stop me, but I know things will work out.

7. Speeding Up To Slow Down ~ Better Than Ezra
Yes, the singer whines. Yes, they’re filled with angst. Sue me.

If they calm you down,
Then excite them
If they call you out,
Then ignore them.

You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down

When they all believe,
You reject it.
When they all are for,
Be against it.

You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down

If they call you out
They will tear you down
When your world falls in
Then they’ll leave you dry

You’re speeding up
You’re speeding up
To slow down
Down, down, down

8. In My Place ~ Coldplay
Not all of it applies, but I still like the song.

In my place, In my place,
Were lines that I couldn’t change,
I was lost, oh yeah,
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed,
I was lost oh yeah...

9. I Don’t Want to Be ~ Gavin DeGraw
I think this song, and the Foo Fighters song do the best job of summarizing where I am right now.

10. Come What May (remix) ~ Ewan McGregor
Ewan has a fabulous voice. If he showed up at my door, I’d invite him in for tea. Or something. >_>

11. I’m Alive (BT & Sasha Mix) - Seal ~ BT
Haven’t listened to this one in a long time. It got me through that period when I wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do.

12. Here Is Gone ~ Goo Goo Dolls
It’s fitting to include these guys. They were there at the beginning, and now they’re here at the end. Nice to know they have songs about running off and getting married and traumatic break-ups.

And I don’t need the fallout of all the past
That’s here between us
And I’m not holding on
And all your lies weren’t enough to keep me here

13. Maybe Tomorrow ~ Stereophonics

I’ve been down and
I’m wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I’d rather be high
Think I’ll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They’re all free

So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home

14. I Am ~ Train
An older song, but I still like it.

15. New Deep ~ John Mayer
Never listened to an artist who could sound so happy about really shitty situations. And to think I dismissed John Mayer early on because he was so popular. I did that with U2 after The Joshua Tree. Sheesh. I’m pretty sure I blew my chance to see him when he came to town. Dammit.

I’m so alive
I’m so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
I’ve got a plan
I’m gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It’s been fine
I’ve been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it’s been

16. Fall Back Down ~ Rancid
Another band I need to see in concert. Good shit right here.

It takes disaster to learn a lesson
You’re gonna make it through the darkest night
Some people betray one and cause treason
We’re gonna make everything alright

Well the worst of times, now, they don’t phase me
Even if I look and act really crazy
I went way down, she betrayed me
Now my vision is no longer hazy

I’m very lucky to have my crew
They stood by me when she flew
I’ve been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
She’s not the one coming back for you
She’s not the one coming back for you

If I fall back down, you’re gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down, you’re gonna be my friend

17. Through with You ~ Maroon 5
Ah, we’ve reached the angry part of this playlist. Full lyrics.

Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don’t trust you
Cause every time you’re here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I’m sick of thinking anything at all

You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?

You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through with you

You ain’t ever coming back to me
That’s not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through
I called to let you know I’m through with you

I ain’t never coming back to you

18. Now That It’s over ~ Everclear
This one starts out pretty slow, but it really gets going about two-thirds through. Still not sure if I want to tell him to fuck off. Part of me wants that, the other part doesn’t want to burn bridges. No need to be hasty, I guess. Doesn’t change the fact I like the sentiment here.

One, two, three, four

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it’s over

Break down, shake for me
Don’t write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it’s over

Maybe we can be friends
Now that we’re older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it’s over

Yeah right!

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it’s over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it’s over

Oh yeah...

My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do

My nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell

Yeah right!

Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it’s over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you’re leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I’m dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just wakin’ up in my own way
Now that it’s over
Now that it’s over

My bad dreams just don’t seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do

Nightmares just don’t scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it’s over...

No no no no no...

There are few things that sound worse than a dog screaming in pain. Screaming. Not yelping or whining. Screaming so that all dogs in a six-block radius chime in and start barking and/or howling.

It’s particularly shitty when your dog is making that sound. Just took the pooch for a walk and he stepped on one of these:



These things routinely puncture tires on mountain bikes. He seems to be OK for now, but I called the vet and may take him in if it looks like it’s bothering him a lot.

Poor puppy. :(

Edited because I can't type and to point out that those thorns are called "goat heads".

Politics

I finally saw Fahrenheit 9/11. It’s not in theaters here any more so I had to use “alternate” means to watch it. Needless to say, I’m going to watch it again, just to absorb the information that was thrown out there. It wasn’t all a surprise to me, thanks to the internet having plenty of information about the Bush family and the bin Ladens. Doesn’t make me any less pissed off, however. And it’s not even being enraged; it’s a slow burn that may even move me to some kind of activism. I’ve got a friend that’s going to be deployed in three months. I can’t imagine anything happening to him, especially if he’s getting sent overseas for some lame-ass, bullshit reason. It’s mind blowing how badly we’ve all been played. Yes, vengeance was in the air after 9/11. How could it not be? Afghanistan, OK, I can buy into that. But Iraq? Please.

Certainly there are flaws in the movie; what movie doesn’t have flaws? The important thing is the fact it raises a lot of questions — questions I’m not sure how any intelligent person can dismiss. Neo-cons have tried to pass off the film as liberal propaganda. Let’s talk about their propaganda and why we’re occupying Iraq. I’m not a scholar on the subject, and I should do more reading. But people need to open their eyes; only problem is, Dubya’s wrapped himself up in the flag and god and probably will get re-elected. And that sucks.

Anyway, more tunes for the car to ramp up for the election and help feed the activist in me.

War (Single Version) ~ Edwin Starr ~ Motown 1’s
One of the quintessential ant-war songs. Iraq could turn into the Vietnam of our generation. But unlike with Vietnam, a lot of people do still support the troops, just not the reasons they’re over there. Being against the war doesn’t make you unpatriotic, especially when you look at the toll it’s taken since major combat operations were declared over. Mind boggling.

War means tears
to thousands of mothers eyes
When their sons go to fight
and lose their lives

Make Love Fuck War (Dirty Version) ~ Moby & Public Enemy ~ Make Love Fuck War
Chuck D wrote the words, Moby did the music. Naturally, I bought the dirty version.

Wake Up ~ Rage Against The Machine ~ Rage Against The Machine
It’s a shame these guys broke up. I think they’d have some pretty interesting things to say. Zach De La Rocha has a single, but it just doesn’t pack the same punch the whole group does.

Movements come and movements go
Leaders speak, movements cease
When their heads are flown
‘Cause all these punks
Got bullets in their heads
Departments of police, the judges, the feds
Networks at work, keepin’ people calm
You know they went after King
When he spoke out on Vietnam
He turned the power to the have-nots
And then came the shot

Sunday Bloody Sunday ~ U2 ~ Elevation 2001: Live From Boston
Another song from the Elevation DVD, and a great version of this tune. This song is incredible live, and this version is better than when I saw U2 back in the day. A good reminder of what happens when a government has too tight a grip on people or a situation.

And the battle’s just begun
There’s many lost, but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart

Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday

How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long? How long...

Rockin’ in the Free World ~ Neil Young ~ Freedom
I’m not a huge fan of Neil Young... there are a few of his songs I really dig, and this is one of them. This was a fitting choice for the credits; I chose to buy this version, not the one from the film with Dubya talking over it. Sheesh.

There’s colors on the street
Red, white, and blue.
People shufflin’ their feet
People sleepin’ in their shoes
There’s a warnin’ sign on the road ahead
There’s a lot of people sayin’ we’d be better off dead
Don’t feel like Satan, but I am with them
So I try to forget it any way I can.

Rock the Casbah ~ The Clash ~ The Singles
One of my favorite Clash songs. I remember listening to this one a lot during the first Iraq war.

The king called up his jet fighters
He said you better earn your pay
Drop your bombs between the minarets
Down the Casbah way

As soon as the shareef was
Chauffeured outta there
The jet pilots tuned to
The cockpit radio blare

As soon as the shareef was
Outta their hair
The jet pilots wailed

Revolution ~ Stone Temple Pilots ~ Revolution
Alas, this song is stuck in iTMS download limbo. I liked the 30-second snippet of it I heard. A lot of band try to cover Beatles songs and fail, but this one seemed decent.

You say you got a real solution
Well you know
We’d all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well you know
We’re doing what we can
But when you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright
Alright Alright

It Takes Time To Build ~ Beastie Boys ~ To The 5 Boroughs
These guys have been political for a long time, but they’ve been singled out for taking shots at Dubya. Good for them.

So step up to the window and place your bets
Is the US gonna keep breaking necks
Maybe it’s time that we impeach Tex
And the military muscle that he wants to flex
By the time Bush is done what will be left
Selling votes like E-pills at the discotheque
Environmental destruction and the national dept
But plenty of dollars left in the fat war chest
What the real deal why you can’t connect
Why you hating people that you never met
Didn’t your mama teach you to show some respect?
Why not open your mind for a sec?

We’re Not Gonna Take It ~ Less Than Jake ~ Goodbye Blue & White
OK, OK... it’s a Twisted Sister song. But LTJ makes it sound political — and angry.

We’re not gonna take it
No, we ain’t gonna take it
We’re not gonna take it anymore

We got the right to choose it
There’s ain’t no way we’ll lose it
This is our life, this is our song
We’ll fight the powers that be just
Don’t pick our destiny cuz
You don’t know us, you don’t belong

Freedom ~ Rage Against The Machine ~ Rage Against The Machine

It’s set up like a deck of cards
They’re sending us to early graves
For all the diamonds
They’ll use a pair of clubs to beat the spades
With poetry I paint the pictures that hit
More like the murals that fit
Don’t turn away
Get in front of it

Fortunate Son ~ Pearl Jam ~ 06/03/03: North America - #42 Irvine
A more energetic version of the CCR song. And another carryover from the Vietnam era.

Some folks are born
Starspangled eyes
Ooh they send you out to war
And when Australia asks
‘How much do we get?’
Ooh they just ask for more and more and more and more and more and...

It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no millionaires son, no
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no fortunate one, one, one
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no CIA son, no
It ain’t me, it ain’t me
I ain’t no fortunate son, son, son

Where is the Love ~ Black Eyed Peas ~ Elephunk
Maybe a little simplistic, but I like the message: Take care of things at home before you try and fix the world.

What’s wrong with the world mama
People livin’ like ain’t got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that’ll bring ya trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists hea livin’ in the USA
The big CIA, the Blood to the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for ya own race
Then ya only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when ya hate then you’re bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what ya demonstrate and that’s exactly how ANGER works and Operates
Nig, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y’all, y’all

People killin’ people dyin’
Children hurt, you hear them cryin’
Can you practice what you preach?
Or would you turn the other cheek
FATHER FATHER FATHER help us
Send some guidance from above
‘Cuz people got me got me questionin’
Where is the love (where is the love)
Where is the love
Where is the love, the love, the love

Higher Ground ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers ~ Greatest Hits
A good remake of a really good Stevie Wonder song. I really dig the bass line. I seem to recall this kicked much ass live as well (I think I saw them the second year they did Lollapollooza... the lineup was pretty amazing that year).

People
Keep on learnin’
Soldiers
Keep on warrin’
World,
Keep on turnin’
Cause it won’t be too long.
Powers
Keep on lyin’,
While your people
Keep on dyin’
World,
Keep on turnin’,
Cause it won’t be too long.

I’m so darn glad He let me try it again,
‘Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin.
I’m so glad that I know more than I knew then.
Gonna keep on tryin’ till I reach the highest ground.

The Brightest Bulb Has Burned Out/Screws Fall Out ~ Less Than Jake ~ Anthem
Heh... as if there ever was a brightest bulb in the White House...

You said the hole in your head
Has gotten bigger than the hole in your chest
And you’re stuck between the past and present tense
You said you’ve been waging a war against so many years of lies
With stronger drinks and longer lines
It’s not that big a surprise
That you’re feeling more dead than alive
You’re feeling more dead than alive

Killing Zone (Bonus Track) ~ Rancid ~ Indestructible
Couldn’t find lyrics to this one unfortunately. But it’s a good song. Really.

Testify ~ Rage Against The Machine ~ The Battle Of Los Angeles

The movie ran through me
The Glamour subdue me
The tabloid untie me
Im empty please fill me
Mister anchor assure me
That Baghdad is burning
Your voice it is so soothing
That cunning mantra of killing
I need you my witness
To dress this up so bloodless
To numb me and purge me now
Of thoughts of blaming you
Yes the car is our wheelchair
My witness your coughing
Oily silence mocks the legless
Boys who travel now in coffins

Kinder Words ~ The Mighty Mighty Bosstones ~ Question The Answers
Someone needs to listen to the Bosstones.

No time now for losing tempers
or filling up with rage or anger
flying off the handle could be detrimental
calmer hands are called for here
a breath or two might be applied
we’ll count to ten and then decide
a rash decision - crash collision
damage done beyond repair

Megalomaniac ~ Incubus ~ A Crow Left To The Murder
Recently found out this song is directed at Dubya. That made me laugh, given the lyrics.

I hear you on the radio
You permeate my screen
It’s unkind but if I met you in a scissor fight
I’d cut off both your wings on principle alone
On principle alone...

Hey megalomaniac
You’re no Jesus
Yeah, you’re no fucking Elvis
Wash your hands clean on yourself, baby and
Step down
Step down
Step down

American Errorist (I Hate Haters) ~ NOFX ~ The War On Errorism
Another band that’s taken a strong stance against the president. This whole CD was basically directed at the White House. Pity they don’t care.

It’s okay
Allow yourself a little hate
Hatred is not so bad
When directed at injustice
You can turn the other cheek
Just don’t turn the other way


Enemy of the planet
We finally have a common hate
A reason to forget about our differences
And stand as a united front
It’s up to us, we must expose, humiliate
American Errorists
We’ll start with one

((THE...WAR...HAS...JUST BEGUN))
((THE...WAR...HAS...JUST BEGUN))

American Idiot ~ Green Day ~ American Idiot (album)
I’ve got a love-hate relationship with this band. I hated them when my cousin tried to introduce them to me, then loved them in college and bought a lot of their old stuff. Then I hated them when they were against online music stores. I’m still not a big of a fan as I was before, but I do love this song. They seem to have regained their edge. I know they claim Berkeley or L.A., but they’re from El Sobrante, Calif. And my cousin went to school with at least one of them. Lyrics in full.

Don’t wanna be an American idiot.
Don’t want a nation under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mind-fuck America.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Where everything isn’t meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We’re not the ones who’re meant to follow.
For thats enough to argue.

Well maybe I’m the FAGGOT America.
I’m not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Where everything isn’t meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We’re not the ones who’re meant to follow.
For thats enough to argue.

Don’t wanna be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information Age of hysteria.
It’s going out to idiot America.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Where everything isn’t meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We’re not the ones who’re meant to follow.
For thats enough to argue.

The Star Spangled Banner ~ Jimi Hendrix ~ Experience Hendrix: The Best of Jimi Hendrix
What to say about Hendrix? This is good shit. That’s why it’s here.

Wow

Just followed some links from a friend’s blog about the war in Iraq.

Sidney Blumenthal interviews retired generals for The Guardian and this piece from salon.com has some particularly chilling revelations about Fallujah.

I’m not well versed in the intricacies of global politics, and I am awfully cynical (goes with the job), but I think I’ve been witness to enough of these U.S.-led “wars” to know that if it smells like a a rat, it is a rat. There are a lot of theories about why we’re really in Iraq — from Dubya wanting to off Saddam for dear old dad, to the Bush family’s ties to Saudi oil. One of those articles suggests we’re playing right into the hands of Iran and bin Laden by “liberating” Iraq. I’d like to see more about this and how it fits in with the two other theories. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of stuff that will get dismissed by a lot of small-minded editors at small papers. People don’t understand that the typical audience for a 20,000-circulation is who needs to be reading these pieces from “alternate” outlets. AP isn’t going to be on this stuff until it’s been bludgeoned to death on CNN, MSNBC or FOX. And can you believe the editor actually told readers we generally only use AP because papers like the New York Times “take too many chances” and “don’t verify their sources”?

That should have set off big, flashing lights and screaming alarms, but it didn’t. There’s a whole different set of factors that want to send me screaming from that place. But in addition to a pay check, it’s turned into the ultimate exercise in self control — and it’s pretty damned amusing at the same time.

Another weekend

...and who knows what I’ll end up doing. I need to start packing and sorting (yay) because October is almost here, and then I’ll have to get my stuff packed and be at the other place. At least I’ve got enough people who said they’ll help. I’m sure I’ll find stuff to do, and then it’ll be time to go to work again. That’s the way things go. Can’t stay out too late Friday since I have an appointment Saturday morning I need to be awake for. Yay.

Not much else to report. Just updating for the sake of updating. Visiting iTMS again, so I may have another playlist to post. We’ll see.

Dangerous

There are realizations that should never happen. Like the one I had tonight that I really don’t want to stay in this job for a year, or that there are several jobs I could do better than the people doing them. It’s not entirely unexpected, given the size of our operation, and I’m not disenfranchised enough to make an issue of it. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, the way I’m used to doing things. I’m not going to half-ass it like other people do, due to laziness or ineptitude. I have standards (hard to believe, I know) and I need to stick to those if I’m going to get out of here and find something better. I spent a lot of time looking at the SND site tonight, and all I could think was “I wish I could do that here.” Not a chance in hell, unless it’s some one-time deal or special project. I’ve grown to hate the special project I’m working on right now, mostly because the marketing types will fuck it up and they’re going to make me design something I *know* will look like complete and total ass. Then again, I can try to make this thing kick so much ass they’ll have to like it. Hah. Right.

So the three-month mark is approaching. It will be here Saturday. A lot has happened in three months. Hell, a lot has happened in the past month. Am I where I thought I’d be? Hell no. I didn’t think I’d get through the first night, the first day, the first week. But here I am with a job, a new housing prospect and who knows what with the social life. I finally have a social life, and it’s more enjoyable than when I was married. It’s refreshing to hang out with different people, to not be tied down. Going out by myself isn’t too horrible, unless you count being hit on by old drunk guys. Time alone is nice, but there’s nothing wrong with hanging with ... whoever decides to call me back. I lead a pretty simple life at this point. Work, sleep, internet, some gaming, some drinking, some socializing. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine, and I don’t hate it. It’s been a long time when I really felt content. I don’t need the ex to be happy. That’s something I never thought would happen. But I’ve made it. I’ve had a lot of help, but I don’t need him (except for the $700 he still owes me). I’ve got friends volunteering to help me move, and that’s almost 2 months away.

As for that sense of detachment, well, I think it's starting to fade. I'm not sure what I should think about that. I'm not sure what I'm ready for. But I guess I'll find out.

I’m not a horrible person. For the most part.

There was a ... falling out ... with one of my friends. It’s a person who was there for me when I really needed someone. And when he needed someone, well, I guess I got disappointed that I couldn’t cheer him up, that I wasn’t making a difference, and I disappeared. I’m ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior. I guess the hardest part is saying “sorry” and making sure the person I’m apologizing to knows I’m sincere, that maybe the reason for my absence is because I didn’t want to say anything else to make things worse. That I was shocked and hurt too, but didn’t need to put that out there while this person was trying to pull things together. That I do still think about this person a lot, but I’m too ashamed and embarrassed by disappointing him to make contact. Which is the reason I’m posting this here, on the off chance it will get read.

But know that I am truly sorry, and that I never wanted things to end badly. I guess in trying to avoid weirdness, I made it worse. I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted. Yeah, I should know better. I really should.

Much better

Yeah, sleep was a good thing. Didn’t get up until close to noon, so that more than makes up for the weekend. And I’m thinking clearly again, which is a bonus. Still feeling pretty detached, which I guess is OK. Only mildly annoyed at being stood up, and I doubt I’ll say anything to him when I see him. If he mentions it, fine. I dunno. I may say something; it’s me.

More than anything, the level of annoyance directed at the ex is growing. Funny how he still owes me money, but can some how find the resources to take a week off work to fly home. I guess when you throw out one lie for everyone to see, they flow pretty easily. I’m not willing to let him slide on the money issue, but I’m rapidly getting to the point where he can fuck off and die.

I’m better off. I really am. Just need to keep telling myself that.

If a butterfly flaps its wings...

Good grief, I am tired. I should be asleep, but since I didn’t write yesterday, here I am. I’ve got a pretty good reason for not writing. Honestly. But I do want to wish a dear friend somewhat belated birthday greetings, assuming he still reads this. I hope the card got there in time, and the package will go out this week, come hell or high water. And Mel, call me or e-mail me. We need to talk; it’s nothing bad, I just need a fresh perspective.

So after the 0-3 disaster that was Friday night, Saturday night was kinder to me and I batted .500. That’s not to say someone is completely forgiven for blowing me off. Things did work out, and are headed in a not completely unexpected direction. But it’s one of those shoulda-woulda-coulda situations. I should’ve said something to someone last week. Then maybe he returns my calls this week. Then maybe we go out Friday or Saturday. Then I’m pointed in a completely different direction. Or, I say something to him and it’s not what he wants and I’m in my present situation any how. I can still tell the current objective I have a thing for him, but what’s the point now? I don’t have many regrets in life, but this could be one of them. Not a big one, but I don’t like the fact I chickened out of something I wanted to do. I can still say something, I suppose.

I’m in a situation with no expectations. It’s kind of odd; I’m a little bit scared of the sense of detachment I feel. I should feel more than I do right now. Maybe I’m just too tired to process any of this, I don’t know. But I do know it’s not a good thing to be with one person and wish it was someone else. Maybe “wish” isn’t the right word, since I’m fairly certain I’d never be in this situation with the person in question. I guess it’s more of a “what if” than anything else. That’s troublesome too. My situation isn’t horrible; in fact, it’s one I had wished for about a month ago. And now that I’m here, I want ... something else? Or it comes back to the fact I don’t have a clue what the hell I want. If that’s the case, no good can come of it whatsoever. I’ve been down that road, and it wasn’t pleasant; I’m still paying for it. As for the time element in all this ... I think I got to bed around 6:30 a.m. and then had a fitful sleep until about 11:30. Work was quite difficult today, and the caffeine didn’t do much. The rest of the week will be interesting.

I guess I’m stuck between “wait and see” mode and “life is too short to not take chances” mode. I’m way too tired to figure it out right now, so I’m off to bed. Love this song.

Something’s Always Wrong
Another day
I call and never speak
And you would say nothing’s changed at all
And I can’t feel
Much hope for anything
If I won’t be there to catch you when you fall

Again
It seems we meet
In the spaces
In between
We always say
It won’t take long
But something’s always wrong

Another game
Of putting things aside
As if we’ll come back to them sometime
A brace of hope
A pride of innocence
And you would say something has gone wrong

Again
It seems we meet
In the spaces
In between
We always say
It won’t take long
But something’s always wrong

And again
It seems we meet
In the spaces
In between
We always say
It won’t take long
But something’s always wrong
Something’s always wrong
Something’s always wrong

Songs of hope and love redux

This was the first version of this playlist I did just about a month ago. Here’s the revised version for this month, and the current ... objective. There are some important but subtle differences in song selection. This will be the new CD for the car for at least the next week I think. Debating whether I should burn a copy for the person in question.

1. Take me out ~ Franz Ferdinand
Just like the first version, I picked this song to start things off. It’s an amusing choice since for the second Friday in a row, I’ve gone out by myself since no one returned my calls (0-3 tonight). Only really expected one person to call me back, and well, failure there too. I guess this song has become my Friday night anthem, mostly because Saturday nights have worked out a lot better.

I say don’t you know?
You say you don’t know
I say take me out

If I wane, this can die
If I wane, this can die
I want you to take me out

If I move, this could die
If I move, this could die
Come on, take me out

2. Save Tonight ~ Eagle Eye Cherry
An oldie but a goodie. Can’t believe this song is six years old. I’m not saying “goodbye” to anyone here... It’s another song about optimism. I can relate to the whole thing about not wanting a special night to end. Not that I’ve had any special nights lately. I like the part about “There’s a log on the fire/and it burns like me for you.”

Save tonight and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow - tomorrow I’ll be gone
Save tonight and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow - tomorrow I’ll be gone

There’s a log on the fire
And it burns like me for you
Tomorrow comes with one desire
To take me away [ohh it’s true]

3. Something about You ~ Five for Fighting
A good song since I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is I like about the “current objective.” There’s enough to hold my interest and make me curious. Safer to say I’m intrigued by him I guess.

It’s been to long and I’m about to be in time for me
It’s been to long and I’m in time, I’m in time

Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to I’m
Going to hold on to that
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to I’m
Going to hold on to that

And I’m going to be there...
Be there... alright... alright...

I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to get out there to see you

4. Why Don’t You and I (featuring Alex Band) ~ Santana
This song makes me smile because I’ve had a few chances to let someone know how I feel and I’ve chickened out. It’s a combination of bad timing and me just being a chickenshit. So much for the “life’s too short not to take chances” school of thought. I don’t have a hard time talking to him at all; I rather enjoy it and we’ve had some pretty good talks. It’s just that *one* thing I need to tell him...

Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking ‘round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach’s filled with the butterflies
And it’s alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feelin’ like I’m never gonna come down
If I said I didn’t like it then you know I’d lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I’ll say why don’t you and I get together an’ take on the world, be together forever
Heads we will and tails we’ll try again
So I say why don’t you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they’re never gonna let me in

5. Crush (Stripped Version) ~ Gavin DeGraw
Ah, my buddy Gavin DeGraw comes through yet again. It’s been so long since I’ve had a crush on someone. That’s pretty much what this is right now, given that I’m too chicken to say what I’m feeling. I’m not even looking for this person to reciprocate; I just want him to know that there are other options besides friendship if he’s interested. A fairly simple thing, but I swear I feel like I’m back in high school again. Full lyrics here for effect.

When my pass came in, you dropped the ball
It didn’t change the way I feel
And I was wishing I’d break down your walls
The kiss will know if lips stay still
There is a line I crossed
And when you missed I lost
I’m not a loser
Girl, you know that I’ll be back again
My dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh my crush, I’ve gotta crush
I suppose that I could hold it in
But you excite my every cell
Sources say that senses are your friends
My senses say that I should tell
You that I’m not ashamed
You might just feel the same
But you have to try it
If you’re ever really gonna know
My dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh my crush, I’ve gotta crush
I want to
I need to
I have to have you
You’re so much to touch
Girl, you’re too much
And I can’t control it — you’ve got me all over the road
My dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh my crush
Damaging my soul
You blew me off, but I don’t mind
I just get better with time
And so do you
So do you
So do you
My crush

6. Closer To You ~ The Wallflowers
This has been a very slow process, but the more time I spend with him, the more comfortable we seem to be getting. I’m not really one to take things slowly; I’m very impulsive. But if there’s going to be anything more than friendship, it has to develop. And if we just stay friends, there’s still a lot we have to learn about each other. There’s no real sense of urgency, which really is a relief. I’ve never been this patient before. Chalk it up to old age, I guess.

How long an hour can take
When you’re staring into open space
When I feel I’m slipping further away
I remember that everyday
I get a little bit closer to you

7. Everywhere ~ Michelle Branch
I’ve got several Michelle Branch songs on the break-up playlist. Nice to have one that’s a bit happier. Truth be told, I think about this person way more than the ex. Still don’t have a clue if this person thinks about me at all. That’s a big reason why I need to suck it up and let him know how I feel.

Cause you’re everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it’s you I see
You’re everything I know
That makes me believe
I’m not alone

Cause you’re everywhere to me
And when I catch my breath
It’s you I breathe
You’re everything I know
That makes me believe
I’m not alone

You’re in everyone I see
So tell me
Do you see me?

8. Up And Away ~ Dave Matthews
This is the album version of this song. At the risk of getting even more sappy and high school-ish here, I have to admit that the eye contact we’ve had has been pretty intense for two folks who haven’t spent a ton of time together.

I saw you there, since then everyday
It’s like I’m lost and thinking of you in every way
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high

Like I’m gone, ooo
Oh, up and away
You take me baby
Oh, you take me baby

9. Walk on the Ocean ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket
Another song I’ve always liked. For me, the ocean always will be special. The last two relationships I was in were tied to the Pacific ... two memorable trips to the ocean with one person, then falling in love in a coastal tourist town — basically the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived or visited. There are times when I wish I could go back to those days, to the way things were Monterey. But my life now isn’t so terrible I guess. At least I keep telling myself that.

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything’s better, everything’s safe

Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone

10. Hope for Me Yet ~ Marc Broussard
Another thank you to iTMS for introducing me to another artist I wouldn’t have found otherwise. He’s got such a fantastic voice. This song rings true on a lot of levels, most notably the fact I have no idea if I’m the kind of girl this guy is into. He’s eager enough to go out, so I’ve got that on my side. And he’s told me he’s had fun, so … at least I’m good conversation. We are different enough were we could learn a lot from each other, that’s for sure. I look forward to going out with him because I don’t know what to expect, don’t know what new thing I’m going to learn about him.

Sometimes when I look back
I don’t even know myself
It blows my mind to think that I’ve found grace in someone else
Baby your grace is something else

Baby if you could love someone like me
There’s no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet

11. Times Like These ~ Foo Fighters
I wasn’t really a big fan of these guys at first. But they’ve grown on me. This is one of my favorite songs; I need to track down the version they did on SNL a few years ago when Jim Carrey jumped on stage with them. The energy from their performance was pretty amazing. Another good song about moving on and deciding what’s important to you.

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these, time and time again

I, I’m a new day risin’
I’m the brand new sky
To hang stars upon tonight
I, I’m a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

12. Gotta Be More ~ Marc Broussard
No matter what ends up happening, I know I’m better off than I was when I was married. I’m meeting new people, trying new things. Just the experience of making a new friend as an “adult” is good for me. It’s really refreshing to head into something with no expectations, no pressure (except for what I’ve placed on myself). It’s kind of neat to be calling the shots. Another optimistic song.

Cast my eyes towards the sky
Looking down on me
So far all I’ve seen are clouds
But I’m not gonna let ‘em get me down

No way
No how
Not ever
Not now

There’s gotta be more here
Than what I see
There’s gotta be more here
Than what I see

Walking down the road again
One step at a time
So far all I’ve seen are stop signs
But I’m not gonna let ‘em get me this time

My life
Keep my head high
Yeah

There’s gotta be more here
Than what I see
There’s gotta be more here
Than what I see

Are those the clouds of my mind that hide the stars?
Will I ever find the road that leads me home again?
Does it seem so far
From looking way to hard
Now I know my heart is where my searching all begins

High low is where I stand
Looking for the man in charge
High low is where I stand
Looking for the man in charge
High low is where I stand
Looking for the man in charge
High and low is where I search
But you know that I didn’t have to look this far

I believe there’s more here to see
Oh yeah
I believe there’s more here to see
‘Cause the dirt has been wiped away from my eyes and
I know what I’m supposed to be
There’s got to be more
There’s got to be more
There’s got to be more
There’s got to be more
There’s got to be more

13. Let Me Down Easy ~ Chris Isaak
I’m feeling a bit more guarded, but this song still applies. It’s tough to know how much effort to put into this. That’s why this verse is pretty appropriate.

Another day, you’re passing by
Today’s the day I’m gonna try
You don’t know how much I’m hoping, how I’m hoping
Please. Oh, please let me down easy
Please just let me down easy

Can’t you hear my heart is calling
You don’t know how hard I’ve fallen for you

14. What It Is ~ Mark Knopfler
Love the guitar in this song. And I’ve always enjoyed Mark Knopfler’s voice.

The drinking dens are spilling out
There’s staggering in the square
There’s lads and lasses falling about
And a crackling in the air
Down around the dungeon doors
The shelters and the queues
Everybody’s looking for
Somebody’s arms to fall into
And it’s what it is
It’s what it is now

15. More ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
Another iTMS discovery. Jesse Harris wrote five songs for Norah Jones’ “Come Away with Me” and has some pretty good tunes of his own. Very simple song lyrically, but a decently complex arrangement. Nice play between the acoustic guitar, lead, bass and horns. Drums are tight and unobtrusive — nice to know there are still musicians out there who can avoid beating the living shit out of the snare drum.

Don’t cry
I’ll wait
Patient
While we
Pass through
Something
More than you
More than me
Larger than memory
So let go
You must know
One thing
It’s more than you
More than me
Larger than memory

16. Something Beautiful ~ Great Big Sea
Out of all the songs on this list, this is one that isn’t coming from my point of view. It’s one of those songs where the lyrics really seem like they could be directed at me. It’s not so much he was my only friend; he was my best friend. I like this part in particular: “On this so unwelcome journey from the bottom to the top.” Posted this one earlier, so here are my favorite parts.

Hey you, you lost your only friend
You can’t believe you’re broken heart will ever mend
But every mountain has its faces that’d make you want to stop
On this so unwelcome journey from the bottom to the top.

Move along
I believe there’s something beautiful to see
Move along
I believe there’s something beautiful
Just waiting for you and me

I know you’ll never count the tears you’ve cried
Though you’ve asked a million questions
No one could tell you why
A single soul is chosen to be the one put to the test
But there will be some consolation for a heart that never rests

Edit: The last two lines are a comfort... will the consolation be me getting what I want? Or will it be me being happy with my current situation? Either way, I've definitely been tested, and I seem to be OK. I think.

17. Come Around ~ Marc Broussard
Yeah, the third song from him. I get like that with musicians. Fun and soulful. “Baby you can use me/Any way that you enjoy.” I know, I know, getting ahead of myself. But I like to keep my options open.

Baby you can use me
Any way that you enjoy
You know how to groove me
I’m dancing like a little boy
You do something to me
I just want to lay you down
Any time or place
So come around

My life was full of doubt til you came around
So baby come around, keep on comin’ around
I’d never been so turned out until you came around
So baby come around, please keep coming around

18. Time After Time ~ Tuck & Patti
I struggled with which version of this song to use. I like the Willie Nelson cover, and hadn’t heard this version until last night. But the fact it’s so simple made me buy it. Her voice is wonderful; a more soulful, smoldering version of the original. I do like Cyndi Lauper’s version, but there’s something about the texture of this one that really grabbed me. It’s a very sensuous version of the song.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear
What you’ve said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time

19. What Makes You ~ Jesse Harris & The Ferdinandos
Norah Jones on vocals and piano on this one. They really work well together. A good song to end on. “But If you feel/The way I feel/Don’t hide it/Don’t conceal it from me.” Simple lyrics again, and there’s not a whole lot of vocals to it. But what’s there is pretty good. I like songs like this.

What makes you think you’re so smart?
What makes you think that you’re not part of this?
Long ago you were fooled into thinking
You were removed from this life
But if you feel
The way that I feel
Don’t hide it
Don’t conceal it from me

This playlist beats the other one by a song for length. The songs are a bit mellower — they match my feelings on this. Yes, if this develops into something, great. If not, well, I’m sure I will be disappointed, but at least we should still be friends. I’m used to the whole unrequited love thing at this point. That’s not to say I’m in love with him; too many questions to be answered before I can make that leap. But I’m used to not having feelings reciprocated, the end of my marriage being the biggest example of that. So I’ll have to see what happens.

Hah

Oh, I love weekends. I love staying up super late and then sleeping in and doing nothing all day. Actually, I’ve got cooking to do when I get up... time for another batch of chili.

Watched the football game tonight, then ended up hanging out and talking shop with JB, something we haven’t done since I started the new job. We both know the current place of employment has its issues, but we’re both better off than where we were before. There’s definitely a different dynamic in the newsroom, and the level of competence is astonishingly ... bad. I try to do what I can; really fighting the “chuck and duck” editing mentality that seems to be prevalent on the desk with some people. Yes, even wire copy needs reading. And local copy, good grief... that stuff needs all the help it can get. Just thinking about it makes me tired. Or is that because I should probably be asleep...

Looks like I’ll be moving near the end of next month. Not the best arrangement for the cat; she might get eaten by a non-cat friendly dog. But I’m not going to abandon her or give her away. She’s mine; she was mine even though she picked someone when we were looking for a cat.

Sleepy. Should have a new playlist with notes to post at some point tomorrow. And maybe more football watching at the sports bar tomorrow. We’ll see.

Finally

A weekend. Good grief that was a long six days. I should be happy I didn’t have to be in there today or tomorrow dealing with the Iraq stuff. Getting that taken care of is a big relief. Now I can get back to whatever “regular” projects will be thrown my way... like stuff with the redesign and covering for vacations.

Beyond that, not much to report. Need to do the usual household crap I’ve been putting off for about three weeks now. Yard work today, kitchen stuff and cooking for next week will be split between today and tomorrow. Oh, and cleaning the bathroom. Really, really exciting stuff. Weather should be decent today, so that will help. Probably need to get groceries of some sort too... I think I’ll make another batch of chili.

Awfully boring update, but boring works just fine for me right now. Off to mow the lawn. Enjoy the Foo Fighters.

Times Like These (One-Way Motorway)
i, i’m a one way motorway
i’m the one that drives away
then follows you back home
i, i’m a street light shining
i’m a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it’s times like these you learn to live again
it’s times like these you give and give again
it’s times like these you learn to love again
it’s times like these time and time again

i, i’m a new day rising
i’m a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
i, i’m a little divided
do i stay or run away
and leave it all behind?

it’s times like these you learn to live again
it’s times like these you give and give again
it’s times like these you learn to love again
it’s times like these time and time again (Repeat)

Oh yeah...

Wow. I was so tired after work Monday I neglected to realize that the one-month anniversary for the divorce was ... Monday. The 6th.

I imagine that means I’m further along in this process than I thought I was. It’s odd. I had a much tougher time with this as I held the paperwork for the first time. Now, it’s just part of of who I am. I was married, now I’m not. I’m moving on, finding new things to do, finding new people to hang out with. And chances are I’ll be moving in the next few months, and it will be nice to save some money. I could stay here, but it would be really tight and no room for accounting errors — as I’m prone to doing.

It’s nice to know I’m better off. I feel better off. For once, the unknown is comforting. It’s not all unknown at this point, though. Working again makes a huge difference. I know I won’t be in this job forever, but it works for now. It will help me get something better somewhere else. But I don’t know when or where, and that’s OK. I have no idea what’s going on with the personal life, other than the fact I’ve gotten to know some folks better and they’re fun to go out with. Beyond that, who knows. It doesn’t really matter. It’s just nice to get out of the house for something other than work.

Weekend, please get her soon...

Got to work at 1 today. Got home at 12:30. Getting up at 11 again. Got very loopy and careless at work by the time my last page rolled around. Thankfully, my stuff got caught on proof. Tomorrow shouldn’t be as bad (oh, I hope) even though I’ll end up going in relatively early... I’ll certainly be there by 3. I might conspire to waste time after the work on the car. I’ll have to see. Depends on when they get done with it.

Thanks, iTunes, for introducing me to Marc Broussard. One free song led to me buying two of his songs. Including the one listed above.

And now for lyrics. Since that’s what I seem to enjoy posting here. Because I’m lazy, tired or indifferent. Or something.

Hope For Me Yet
I could bless the water
But it wouldn’t turn to wine
Paint a picture of the sunset
Hanging there in your eyes
But it’d just be some compromise

I could write a million verses
Every word you’ve heard before
Steal some of Dylan’s best
But it’d leave me wanting to say more
Cause there’s so much more

Baby if you could love someone like me
There’s no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet

Sometimes when I look back
I don’t even know myself
It blows my mind to think that I’ve found grace in someone else
Baby your grace is something else

Baby if you could love someone like me
There’s no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet

For a man who’s done nothing
I’ve been blessed with so much more than i deserve
I’m smart enough to know that ive been handed something
Can’t put a price on what its worth

Baby if you could love someone like me
There’s no end to the possibility
Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret
But loving you just lets me know
There might be hope for me yet
Hope for me yet
Hope for me yet

And one from Great Big Sea

Something Beautiful
Hey You, you lost your only friend
You can’t believe you’re broken heart will ever mend
But every mountain has its faces that’d make you want to stop
On this so unwelcome journey from the bottom to the top.

Move along
I believe there’s Something Beautiful to see
Move along
I believe there’s Something Beautiful
Just waiting for you and me

I know you’ll never count the tears you’ve cried
Though you’ve asked a million questions
No one could tell you why
A single soul is chosen to be the one put to the test
But there will be some consolation for a heart that never rests

The years will make us older
The winters make us colder
And there’s one more thing I’ve come to know for sure
There’s no bitterness that smolders, no chip on any shoulder
That a random act of kindness couldn’t cure

Hey You, you lost your only friend
You can’t believe you’re broken heart will ever mend
But every mountain has its faces that’d make you want to stop
On this so never ending journey from the bottom to the top.

Wipe out

Who was I kidding? Today was nearly 11 hours. Tomorrow, uh, later today, will be 11 or 12, depending on what happens with U.S. casualties in Iraq. I’m probably going to end up formatting a shitload of names tomorrow; the more I think about it, the more I’m not crazy about the way they look. And I get to check the two pages against the AP database and make sure they’re all there. Regardless, I need to be up relatively early to run errands before work. Or I could put those off again.

Even if the casualties don’t happen tomorrow or the next day, I’ll end up coming in to babysit those two pages. There’s too much at stake for them to get screwed up. It will happen before the weekend, I’m sure. I don’t even know what we’re doing for 9/11; I don’t think they know. More fun for me I guess.

Anyway, the caffeine is wearing off in a most brutal fashion at this point, so not a whole lot else to write. I’ll be up soon enough.

Too old, too young?

I was thinking about how much I’ve changed the past six years. Right now, I’m the same age someone else was when we hooked up. Six years is and isn’t a long time. A friend said that it’s a shame my marriage didn’t last for how long we were together. I’ve got other friends who have said it’s a good thing I wasn’t married for very long. The same friend — who is a year older than me — said that by the time you get to be our age, you should have a pretty good idea what you want in a relationship, what you want out of life. People get married too young, he said, and without knowing what it is they really want.

He doesn’t think I was too young, but folks in that 19-24 range might be a little on the young side. I don’t think I was ready to get married when I was 24. I was 28 and I felt like I was old. I feel old now, too. Then again, I think about how he’s 33 and I’m 32, and I don’t feel old at all. It’s tough to explain, and I don’t know if i ever make sense at this hour. I guess I look at his maturity level right now and compare it to the ex, and it’s not a fair comparison. Two completely different people, different upbringings, different approaches to life. I’m not second guessing myself at all about my marriage; I’m just surprised at what I’d like to find in a guy. Maturity is pretty high on the list, and that doesn’t necessarily have to be because he’s a lot older than me. It’s all about life experience and perspective.

Then again, I’ve done a lot of growing up since June 18. And Tuesday will be a month since the divorce was finalized. It’s gone by awfully fast. It doesn’t even seem like it’s my life. None of it does these days. I need to think about that some more. Tired. Still have 3 more days of work left... at least we get paid this week. Thank god. Doesn’t change the fact I’m probably going to have a long Tuesday and Wednesday. I can feel it.

More on Goethe

I’ve done a little bit of thinking on this stuff. And I don’t think I”m going soft. Just chalk it up to living and learning.

Health enough to make work a pleasure.
I’ve been eating better and really, really want to start working out again. I just need to get out and do it. Work actually is a pleasure for once; some stress, but not a lot. I feel like I make a difference when I’m there. And I’m healthy enough to keep showing up.

Wealth enough to support your needs.
I can feed myself and pay my bills. I guess that counts for something.

Strength to battle with difficulties and overcome them.
This was the one that surprised me. I made it through the divorce, I’ve let go of a lot of things, I’m moving forward.

Grace enough to confess your sins and forsake them.
I need to think about this one. I’ve made mistakes, and I don’t know if I believe in sin. I guess if we look at the mistakes I’ve made, well, I don’t have regrets, but I know the importance of admitting the mistake and making an effort to not repeat it. This probably isn’t want Goethe meant, but since I’m not religious, that’s the closest I can get.

Patience enough to toil until some good is accomplished.
This one is pretty important. I’m generally an impatient person. But good things take time, and if you’re willing to have something good happen, you can let it take the time to develop.

Charity enough to see some good in your neighbor.
Yeah, I’m doing better about seeing the good in people. Most of the time.

Love enough to move you to be useful and helpful to others.
Oddly enough, since facing rejection and losing the love of my life, I’ve found this easier to do. It’s rewarding to help others and to know you’ve made a difference.

Faith enough to make real the things of God.
As an agnostic, I’m not sure about this one. I guess I’d need to figure out my views on god first.

Hope enough to remove all anxious fears concerning the future.
I do have hope; that’s one of the things I definitely have coming out of all this. I still can’t look at where I’m going to be in a year from now, let alone next month, next week. I’m still very much in the moment and I don’t see that as a bad thing. I’m still adjusting to a lot of things, but I do know I’ll be OK — whether it’s just me and the animals, or if there ends up being someone else. That’s the biggest question for the future: whether I’ll end up with anyone. And that will play a big part on where I end up.

Must watch that movie again. And again. If only to drool over Ewan McGregor...

Should probably get some sleep... was caught up making yet another playlist. What else have I got to do?

Better late

New favorite song from my new favorite movie. I can’t believe I didn’t see Moulin Rouge in the theater. And I can’t believe I waited until Thursday to see it. Off to watch it again.

Come What May
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I’ve never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I’m loving you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there’s no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I’ll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

More music

Such a great live version of this song on the Elevation DVD that came out a few years ago. And I love the $16 program that lets me record from any audio source. Sure, I’ve been able to grab audio from DVDs for going on 2 years now, but Audio Hijack really does do a clean rip. The first time I grabbed these songs, I guess the levels weren’t where they needed to be. This little program has an equalizer and all kinds of cool presets. So I’ve got a couple of DVDs to rip — I almost said over the weekend, but my weekend is done. Didn't mean to sound like a commercial. Did I mention this thing can grab things like say, internet radio, and that it has a timer — perfect if there's stuff I want to listen to, but don't want to drag my ass out bed for...

Anyway, this song feels particularly relevant for some reason. I’m finally feeling good about myself. Haircut and color turned out well today, stylist even commented on how much weight I’ve lost. And yet, I don’t have anyone to hang out with regularly. Maybe that will change this weekend, but I kinda doubt it. It seems like every time I feel good about myself, plans get canceled and people flake. Need to remember to not worry about that stuff. I guess.

So I’m torn between being happy with what I have, wishing for something different or throwing caution to the wind and entering full-on “go for it” mode. What I end up doing will end up somewhere in the middle I guess. Life is too short to not take chances. I’ve been through rejection; there’s not going to be a whole lot that stings more than being told by your husband he loves you but isn’t in love with you. I’ve had disappointment in the past week or two, and I’ve moved on.

Actually, I’m not sure how many of my situations this song applies to. I love the song. I guess I figured I’d throw it in here because it’s always made me introspective.

My thoughts and I will now go to bed, since I have to be up at a relatively decent hour. Again.

With or Without You
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

Saw something about Goethe in a magazine today. It was his “nine requirements” for happiness. Not too bad, really. I must be going soft or something.

Health enough to make work a pleasure.
Wealth enough to support your needs.
Strength to battle with difficulties and overcome them.
Grace enough to confess your sins and forsake them.
Patience enough to toil until some good is accomplished.
Charity enough to see some good in your neighbor.
Love enough to move you to be useful and helpful to others.
Faith enough to make real the things of God.
Hope enough to remove all anxious fears concerning the future. 

Who knows

I should be happy, should be feeling good about myself right now. Got good things going at work, feeling pretty good physically, looking good too (or so my friends keep telling me). And yet, things suck. Well, maybe they don’t suck. But they aren’t where I want them to be.

I’m not sure what I expected out of the various relationships I’ve been working on. I’m slightly disappointed with my one romantic prospect. I’m slightly disappointed with another prospect because I’m pretty sure I’m not what this person is looking for, which I guess is his loss. I can handle being friends, which is probably where it needs to stay. I just can’t help thinking he’s missing out, and I wish there was something I could do about it. We’re probably going to go out again this weekend. I hope I get a chance to talk to him without his friends being around. I may call him tomorrow. I don’t know yet. A lot depends on how it goes with the ex tomorrow.

Yeah, go figure. The one romantic prospect, I’m not sure if that’s what I really want. The one where there’s little chance of romance is the one I want to pursue.

Then there’s the whole concept that maybe right now isn’t the time to get involved with anyone. That’s the one option I don’t really want to consider. Physically, I’m all for getting involved. Socially, I’m all for it. Emotionally, well, that’s the wild card. I have a few people I can go to for emotional support. Of the two prospects, I know one will be there for me no matter what. The other, I think he’d be there if I needed him.

I’m not making sense any more. It’s time for sleep. I need to get up at a decent hour so I can work out.

Yeah, work

A 10-hour day today. Another one tomorrow. And I get to work Friday, which will help make up for the fact I won’t get holiday pay until I’ve been there three months. But in other news, my schedule should be changing in the next few weeks — M-F or Tues-Sat, which is what I’d actually prefer. I’m used to having Sunday-Monday off, but wouldn’t complain about M-F in the least. We’re going to be adding another desk person shortly, which means they’ll get the shitty schedule (heheh). I’m going to have some pretty good design opportunities coming up with the new section fronts, so that’s cool.

It’s good to be focused again. I’m spending a lot more time working, but it’s nice to make a difference on some level. Probably better to work hard and get into a groove career-wise since there ain’t shit going on in the personal life. S has done his disappearing act again, and I really don’t know how far I want to go with that. I’ve got other folks to hang out with, but that’s all that will amount to, I’m sure. Can’t complain too much; it gets me out of the house. Conversation is decent and we have some common interests. Keeping the options open, that’s about all I can do right now. Nothing wrong with making friends. Thursday is covered with friends I haven’t seen since before the divorce; Friday is up in the air for now and Saturday should end up with several of us at one of the sports bars in town (downtown will be a zoo after the football game).

Definitely need to save money next paycheck. Heh... then again, what’s the whole point behind working if you can’t have a little fun now and again? I do need to look into cutting expenses. Now that I have a decent amount of clothes, I should be OK for work. Maybe a new pair of boots for the winter, but I have plenty of time. The car needs work, which sucks, but the alignment is way fucked. Can’t wait. And I’ll need new tires at some point. Alignment first, I guess. Dammit.

Off to bed. Need to get up at a decent hour so I can meet up with friends for lunch and then head into the office to finish the current project and start one I wanted to start Monday.