Retention

As a whole, humans don't remember much. We don't remember a lot of the sensory input we take in.

For example, your body doesn't remember pain. You can remember that it hurt, but you can't recreate the feeling of hitting the pavement at 35 mph, or the first time you punched something solid enough to break bone. Or, you know that fresh cinnamon rolls make you feel all warm and fuzzy, but you can't remember in any great detail what the cinnamon smells like. You have a vague idea, you can recall the sensation, but you can't replicate it. Your mouth might water, but you can't taste it. We need input, we crave it, we thrive on it.

Life's lessons are very similar. You remember that getting drunk and puking all over your car sucks ass, but after a time, you forget. After swearing off drinking, it's a matter of time before you get bombed again and puke all over someone else's car. You can remember that you told yourself to stop snacking late at night and to go to bed earlier, but it's not long before you lapse into old, comfortable habits.

You need a wake-up call.

Once upon a time, I told myself I wouldn't settle. Not in love, not professionally. I still haven't settled in love; I genuinely love Scott more than any other person and can't imagine life without him. And so I'm forced to look at my professional life, or lack thereof.

I have my current job because for the most part, I enjoy the people I work with. I like the fact that at Corp X, I can use my computer of choice. I'm good at it. I know it, I understand it. I can help my agents understand it. That's the part of the job I like. That, and helping identify trends and passing that info along to the mothership.

Lately, the routine has become just that: A routine. Jumping through hoops and passing gates. Where is the time for my agents? Why don't I have enough time for them? Why do I tell them, "I have a meeting, I'm busy"? My job is about them, being there for them. I have become what I despise because I'm settling.

I have allowed myself to get caught up in the bullshit I said I wouldn't be a part of. I've stopped being my own person, being true to myself. And now, something has to give.

So do I fight a war I can't win, or do I droop my shoulders, hang my head and become a mindless drone who goes with the flow? Or do I reject those possibilities and do it my way anyway?

When I thought about writing this, the intent was to bitch about a meeting I had today, to talk about throwing in the towel and how much I detest the weakness I showed today. But the more I wrote, the more the ideas made themselves clear, the anger has turned to determination.

Prior to today, the last person to make me cry was Scott, and he wasn't even there. Enough of the people who read this will figure it out. Frankly, I'm past the point of discussing it. It happened, I'm not proud of it, but I'm not ashamed either. I have emotions, I bleed. Above all, I'm me, and if that's not good enough for you, fuck you, fuck your dog, fuck your momma for having you, and fuck everyone who looks like you.

So the anger is still there. With me, it never really goes away. But we're changing the game. I'll still play by the rules I'm forced to, but we're adding my own set.

Now it's about me, and how entertained I am. I'll play your fucking games. I won't like it, but you'll never know that now. At the same time, if you find out, it really doesn't matter. Because in the grand scheme of things, it's not important.

I choose my mood. I choose my attitude. My happiness comes from me. My strength comes from me.

I'm disappointed I forgot that. I carry those beliefs with me everyday, and yet I've allowed them to become buried by so many layers of Corp X bullshit. Enough. I won't forget. I can't forget. Not again, not ever.