A good fit

"What the hell are you doing in Idaho?"

There are a couple of different ways to view this.

1. This isn't how it was supposed to end up; I'm not supposed to be here.

2. In the 16 years since graduating from JFK, a lot of things had to happen for me to be where I am now.

A few years ago, I would've viewed the situation spelled out in Choice No. 1. Today? Here's the part where I get to tell you why Choice No. 2 fits a little better.

I don't have a perfect life. I don't have a lot of money. I don't have a great job. What I do have is a great group of friends and wonderful man who believe in me and are my support network. My family has never pointed fingers or asked, "Why haven't you done anything with your life?" They've supported my career choices and my decision to move to Idaho -- and my choice to stay here.

Sixteen years ago, I knew I wanted to be a journalist. Ten years ago, I was a correspondent for the San Francisco Examiner, on the verge of my first full-time sports writing gig. Five years ago, I was happily married and the assistant sports editor for the paper up here. Things were pretty well on course. I had a good crew on the sports copy desk and was guiding them in a new direction in terms of design. I was hot off helping layout and design U.S. Open coverage for the Monterey County Herald. The golf tournament was my swan song for that paper, where I had been since 1997 and where I met my future -- and ex -- husband.

Then it was off to Idaho, to the job I had been pursued for (out of the blue) by the Idaho Statesman. This was the job that would be the stepping stone to bigger and better things -- the five-year plan that would get me to a bigger paper, hopefully, back in California.

It didn't happen that way.

In January 2002, I was part of a group of reporters and editors who were laid off at The Statesman in a cost-cutting move that ended up netting the executive editor a President's Ring from Gannett. So it was out of newspapers and into retail -- something I had managed to avoid, even while in high school.

My post lay-off job was selling video games. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I worked at Software Etc. for more than a year, picking up some pretty cool friends along the way.

Back then, gaming was a HUGE part of my life. I got into collecting RPGs and played Phantasy Star Online as often as I could. I started frequenting the Video Game Trading Post, which specialized in used and vintage games, and got to be pretty good friends with the owner. In the course of hanging out at VGTP, I met some pretty cool people. In June 2003, after 16 months at Software Etc., I started work at VGTP. It was while at VGTP I got to know (and experience) Scott, the only guy I'll ever need/want/love.

Anyway, I stayed at the Post until April 2004, when I was let go to make way for the return of John, the store's founder. June 2004 rolls around, the husband says he's leaving me for another woman and all hell breaks loose. After a month of depression and not eating, I managed to get things right in my head. I had a line on a job and knew the only person I was interested in hanging out with was Scott. Divorce papers were filed and 21 days later (yeah, it's that fast up here), I was single -- two days into my new job as a copy editor at the Idaho Press-Tribune.

It was good to be back in newspapers. It was a much smaller operation than I was used to -- smaller than any of the papers I interned with -- and I knew I wouldn't be there for long. Ended up working with a few ex-Statesman employees and made some good friends while I was there. I was at the IPT for 10 months -- six months as news editor. We did some good work, or I thought it was good at the time. Then I decided I was done. After 16 years in newspapers, it was time to try something else. Amazing that one woman could get me to change my mind about the one career I thought I'd have until retirement.

The plan was to go to school and learn how to be a network administrator, to get my MCSE and CCNA and then get a job. That plan didn't work, either. After attending classes and picking up ANOTHER gaming habit (one that involves painting pewter miniatures and pushing them around a table) it was time to find work -- in yet another industry I had avoided through high school and college: food service.

But it wasn't just any restaurant. It's the best pizza place in Idaho: Flying Pie Pizzeria. I did production, sales and prep. I met even more cool people, co-workers and customers alike, and learned how to be pretty good with a knife in the kitchen. I learned how to throw dough and make sauce in 40-pound increments. I discovered that Pecorino Romano comes in 60-pound wheels. Fun job, great people, not enough cash to live on. So I decided tech support could be fun -- especially supporting iPods. iPod support led to a job supporting iBooks, Powerbooks and Macbooks, which is where I am now -- a very long way from where I thought I'd be after walking across the stage at the Richmond Auditorium.

It's not all bad. Yes, the job could be better. It should pay more. Customers shouldn't be so stupid. No, this isn't what I went to school for. But it works for now. I'm content being happy in my love life and my social life, areas that suffered while I was married. I've met so many more interesting people since the ex-person is out of my life. Simple things make me happy. Family is very important to me; I kind of turned my back on them when I was married. I feel at home here, especially since I've been adopted by Scott's tribe.

In a way, I've gotten a second chance. I'm not settling any more, at least not in a relationship stand point. Job and money will come, eventually. Despite ending up with all the goodies in the divorce, I know there's more to life than material goods. I don't measure myself by my possessions. I'm not trying to fill a void in my life with inanimate objects or the latest, greatest gadget.

Funny, I've held off on what happened after graduation. I guess I don't feel there was as much personal growth. Or I don't remember much from it. Or don't want to remember.

That's not entirely fair. One of the best things I did for myself was going to CCC. Spent five semesters there in one of the best journalism programs in the country. I built a solid journalism foundation there at The Advocate. I got to play college basketball for two years. After CCC, I ended up at San Jose State. Was in the marching band, which was pretty fun. Hooked up with (yeah, I know) a tuba player, who was also the second of three bass players I'd end up dating. Got an sports writing internship in Modesto, a copy editing internship in San Antonio, dropped out of school to move to San Antonio. Came back to San Jose after a year and began working for the Examiner.

So yeah. That's a pretty anti-climatic ending to a relatively boring tale. There's obviously more to it, but I've got other blogs for that. The bottom line for me is that things could be better, but they could be worse.

As much as I had tried to fight it, this is home. It just took the right man for me to believe it. That's what the hell I'm doing in Idaho.

The sound of music...

Blame *another one* on Mel...

We've played this game before. Put your iPod or iTunes on shuffle and see what happens! The only thing I did was pick from my "top rated" list of 1,253 songs.

Opening credits:
"Thoughtless" ~ Evanescence (remake of a Korn song)... not sure what to make of that...

Waking up:
"Take Off Your Cool" ~ Outkast w/ Nora Jones... eh?

Average day:
"Red Alert" ~ Basement Jaxx ... right. WTF does it mean for the bad days???

First date:?"Desire" ~ U2 (live from Boston, DVD rip)... Aw yeah

Falling in love:
"Heaven Made Me" ~ Dizzybloom ... wow. A song from a band Scott played in... hmmm...

Fight scene:
"Beautiful Day" ~ U2 ... yeah, for me to kick someone's ass...

Breaking up:
"Life on Mars?" ~ David Bowie ... not sure how to comment on that

Getting back together:
"The Scientist" (live) ~ Aimee Mann ... cover of a way cool song

Secret love:
"Heavens Dead" ~ Audioslave ... um...

Life's okay:
"What is Hip?" ~ Tower of Power ... aaaahhhhh.... East Bay funk!

Mental breakdown:
"Someday I Suppose" ~ Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Driving:"Let's Get It On" ~ Marvin Gaye ... I suppose, but I don't know who's steering the car!

Learning a lesson:
"Stricken" ~ Disturbed ... heh, I like that

Deep thought:
"Gangreen" ~ Ministry ... oh right...

Flashback:
"Beds are Burning" ~ Midnight Oil ... heh... the '90s

Partying:
"Best of My Love" ~ Mary J. Blige .... yeah, party in my pants!

Happy dance:
"As Wicked" ~ Rancid ... yeah, that works

Regretting:
"Silent Words" ~ Paul Oakenfold

Long night alone:"Jerk it Out" ~ Caesars ... I am NOT amused

Death scene:
"Enjoy the Silence (reinterpreted)" ~ Depeche Mode ... hey, works for me

If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream:
"3 Libras" ~ A Perfect Circle ... uh

The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:
"Having a blast" ~ Green Day ... hehehe... hi fuckers, prepare to be exploded..

The thing you most want to say when drunk:
"Don't Stop" ~ Fleetwood Mac ... I plead the Fifth

Your message to the world:
Kisses in the Sunset ~ The Meatmen ... this will be funny to exactly one other person, if he reads it...

Your deepest secret:
"My Friends Over You" ~ New Found Glory

Your innermost desire:
"Hallelujah Here She Comes" ~ U2 ... I win again

Your oldest memory makes you think:
"Come Talk to Me" ~ Peter Gabriel

Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include:
"Super Mario Bros" ~ Chicos de Barrio En la Esquina ... yes, the SALSA version of this song!

On your deathbed, you'll whisper:
"The Shining" ~ Badly Drawn Boy ... hmmm

Your friends say behind your back:
"Lie in Our Graves" ~ Dave Matthews Band ... thanks guys.

You say behind your friends' back:?"Been Caught Stealing" ~ Jane's Addition ... you're all a bunch of rotten -- oh wait, never mind

Your opinion of MySpace:
"Not the Same" ~ Ben Folds ... hehehe

When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:
"I don't want to miss a thing" ~ Aerosmith ... I have a weak spot for this song, OK?!!!

If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell:
"Thrasher" ~ N.E.R.D.

Right now, your feelings are:
"Glycerine (acoustic) ~ Bush ... no, I'm actually sleepy

What's your excuse for reposting this bulletin:
"Songs of Love" ~ Ben Folds ... yup yup

Your life's soundtrack:"Sweetest Goodbye" ~ Maroon Five ... ok, bye bye

Will I get far in life?
"If I Ain't Got You" ~ Alicia Keys .... awwww... *sniffle*

How do my friends see me:
"Danny's Song" ~ Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Where willI get married?
"Add It Up" ~ Violent Femmes ... wow

What is my best friend's theme song?
"Appreciate My Honesty" ~ The Vandals ... yes, yes I do

What is the story of my life?
"Solsbury Hill" ~ Peter Gabriel

What is/was high school like?
"Hell Is Chrome" ~ Wilco ... I don't even know what that means

How can i get ahead in life?
"All My Best Friends are Metalheads" ~ Less than Jake... rawk on!

What is the best thing about me?
"More Than Anyone" ~ Gavin DeGraw ... awwwwww... break out the kleenex

How is today going to be?
"Behind the Eightball" ~ Xploding Plastix ... yes, today did suck ass

What is in store for this weekend?
"Electrical Storm (William Orbit mix)" ~ U2 ... geez, these guys show up a lot

What song describes my parents?
"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" ~ Jack Johnson ... for their daughter to grow up...

my grandparents?
"My Hero" ~ Foo Fighters ... righteous

How is my life going?
"When You're on Top" ~ The Wallflowers ... then why so many damn bills??

What song will they play at my funeral?
"Break on Through" ~ The Doors ... lol

How does the world see me?
"The Hand That Feeds (Straight Mix)" ~ Nine Inch Nails

Will I have a happy life?
"Should I stay or should I go?" ~ The Clash ... :(

What do my friends really think of me?
"Cliche Guevara" ~ Against me

Do people secretly lust after me?
"Radiant Eclipse" ~ Avenged Sevenfold ... again, making no sense

How can I make myself happy?
"A Thousand Miles" ~ Vanessa Carlton ... Am I sending someone else this distance? Into space?

What should I do with my life?
"Battle without honor or humanity" (Kill Bill OST) ~ Tomoyasu Hotei ... only if I can chase people with big swords

Will I ever have children?
"Let Forever Be" ~ Chemical Brothers ... Magic 8 ball, I do not understand...

What is some good advice?
"Slow Chemical" ~ Finger Eleven

What is my signature dancing song?
"Winding Road" ~ Bonnie Somerville ... ah, a slow song

What do I think my current theme song is?
"Mind Over Matter" ~ Fix8 ... hah... another one of Scott's bands...

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Blowin' in the Wind" ~ Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

I was married? And more haiku!!

So here we are, two years from the day my life changed.

It's tough for me to believe it's only been two years. I can't believe I've been with Scott this long and I can't believe the ex-person has been out of my life since August 2004.

I'm not going to do a lot of rehashing here. I know how I felt that night. I know how I felt those weeks waiting for the divorce to be finalized. I know how I felt the last time I spoke to the asshat in person. And I know how I feel without him in my life.

Honestly, there are very few days that go by where I don't think about the marriage or the divorce. It was a decent chunk of my life and easily the most traumatic event I've been through. But when the memory drifts over those tidbits, it doesn't linger for long. And really, many of those thoughts aren't ... warm or fuzzy. When the ex-person comes up in any conversation ... well, I'll still try and be the better person. If you know me, you have an idea what context he'd come up in.

This isn't a sad day any more. I can look at where I was, and where I am now and dammit, I'm proud of myself. I don't take pride in a lot of things; I can count them on one hand: Writing, photography, painting (see the Thunderhead in my heroes section) and being me. Popular opinion doesn't matter. I'm going to stand for my beliefs. If the rest of the world goes along, great. If not, that's not my problem.

There's absolutely nothing for me to be sad about any more. I've got an amazing man in my life. I can't stress that enough. He's a great friend and lover, a wonderful parent, a talented musician (plays bass and guitar) with a beautiful singing voice. He's the anchor in my life, and his family has welcomed me into the tribe (I get yelled at too, so I qualify as "family" now). He helps me keep perspective, he makes me laugh. He lets me be myself.

I don't know if I'll get to the point where I can let this date pass without remembering. I was conscious that it was approaching, but didn't count down to it like I did last year. I've got other things to focus on right now, and they're all life-changing events.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic and cliché, this was my D-day. Yeah, I lost the battle, but fuck if I'm not going to win the war.

And remember: Past behavior determines present or future behavior. In other words, once a cheating sonofabitch, always a cheating sonofabitch. Kinda sad he won't ever see that. Too bad it's not my problem.

Forget what I said about being the better person. Here's some haiku...

Cheating SOB
Won't ever change behavior
He'll find another

Like a busy bee
Pollenating everything
That shakes it his way

Living well really
Is the best revenge ever
I've got a real man

Bitter man may see
This entry in my journal
Yeah, he's on myspace

Here's something just for
The ex-person to chew on
Look! Middle finger

OK, I need to stop. This has gotten way silly and will spiral further out of control if I don't stop.

Then again, I *could* take requests.

Big. Chunks. Of. Ice. Falling. From. The. Sky.

So it just got done hailing like a bitch. This wasn't any pea-sized hail. This shit was the size of golf balls. And loud. Holy crap.

[click for big]

Taken looking out my window... crappy staircase left in for scale.

[click for big]

Another shot from the window; closer look at the hail on the ground

Temper, temper

I'd like to think I've mellowed with age. But I'd be wrong.

If there are enough little things that build up, there's no stopping me from going over the edge. Under the "right" circumstances, I can be rather ... violent. Not toward people or animals. But watch your ass if you're an inanimate object.

Shortly after moving to my present location, I was trying to organize the closet. The rod that holds the clothes fell. Three times. I kicked the shit out of a box, then kicked it some more. When kicking was unsatisfactory, I punched a wall. Not a real wall, just wood paneling. I bruised my hand pretty good -- to the point where I went and got a wrist brace for support.

The temper flared tonight, all because of a can opener. Rather, the inability of a can opener to properly open a can. Add to that the fact the kitchen is a fucking pig sty (through no fault of my own; I don't cook here) and it's about a billion degrees in here (AC is ass-tastic) and I snapped. I kicked the metal garbage can -- in sandals -- with my right foot. The same foot that had a George Foreman grill fall on it just a few minute earlier. Foot seems to be fine, just a little sore. And it's still hot in here.

I don't like losing control like that. It tends to happen over stupid shit.

Then again, I guess it's the price I pay for not letting the big, stupid shit get to me. Or at least putting on the appearance that the big shit doesn't get to me.

It's not so much that I internalize too much. I'm still pretty damn vocal. But it's just a matter of venting and letting go. That was a long, agonizing lesson to learn. It's something that still takes work, just not as much as before.

But cut me some slack. It's that time of year -- the time of year where bitterness rears its head a little more often and the mind is filled with thoughts of ...

... you wish. As if the easy way out would be a just penance.

Hypocrisy, propaganda, the governtment — and you

This is probably too late/early for me to tackle this, but here goes. I want to get stuff up while I remember it.

Went to the local National Guard airfield/base today to watch a friend receive his Purple Heart. He was injured in Iraq last year just a few weeks before he was supposed to get shipped home with the rest of the Guardsmen.

Anyway, it was the first time I had been over there. I was nervous for some reason -- more nervous than when I went down to the Air Force base to watch the airshow and see the Thunderbirds. Then again, when I went in 2000, we weren't at war.

Since this was a day to honor my friend and another soldier who was wounded, I didn't want to make waves. I wore long pants so the tattoos wouldn't show. I wanted to wear my black "I did NOT vote for Bush" bracelet, but I couldn't find it. I did find my peace pin -- a very small blue button with a white dove on it. I slipped it into my pocket rather than pinning it to my blouse. I figured I'd decide when I got there; I wanted to see how many cars had the "we support our troops" magnets attached. Most of them did.

I had the luck of being behind my friend when I pulled up to the security check point. After checking my ID, car registration and proof of insurance, I was allowed past the barricades and onto the base. I was careful to obey the posted speed limit and not do anything that would label me a "progressive" or anti-war or, goodness no, anti-Bush.

When I arrived at the outdoor pavilion, there was a big crowd there. I parked and greeted my buddy and we walked over to where the ceremony was taking place. Lots of families, lots of kids. Lots of pregnant women who looked to have similar ... due dates. There was plenty of mingling going on; many of these folks hadn't seen each other for some time. We ended up sitting in the front row, right were the general and colonels could see us. Oh goody.

After the introductions and national anthem, there was the invocation. A colonel or lieutenant colonel read it -- stumbled through it, really. There was mention of god protecting troops during this time of peace (what the fuck was he talking about? time of peace? where?). There was mention of god guiding the troops safely home (what about the ones who were killed or injured? no, really, don't give me a bullshit religious answer, ok?). I don't really remember much more of the invocation, simply for the fact it struck me as extremely hypocritical and I just couldn't get past that. I'm a heathen. Deal with it.

The general got up and prattled on about how much the troops had done in Iraq -- how much they had accomplished, how they'd done more than any other unit there, but he didn't list specific examples. He spoke of how the former governor, now secretary of the interior, called him on Memorial Day from Arlington National Cemetery, where Dubya would be arriving to lay a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown. Dirk, of course, told the general how proud he was of the troops and how his thoughts and prayers (naturally) were with them and Boise and the rest of the state. Leave it to Dirk to get PR out of the day when the "replacement" Gov. Risch was a no-show. Gotta love it.

Thankfully, the Purple Hearts were awarded right away. Very much a photo op and very military with little pomp and circumstance. The rest of the ceremony was devoted to the Freedom Awards -- the handing out of mementos to everyone who had gone over to Iraq. Flag in a neat display case, limited edition coins, lapel pins and a box.

The box, which was referred to as a "National Guard footlocker" supposedly contained a board game based on Operation Enduring Freedom, or whatever the hell it's being called this week, mission cards for the kids so they could carry out missions at home, and assorted other recruiting tools to get them interested in joining up just like mommy or daddy. After all, the military is going to need more recruits to maintain the occupation.

It was a nice day. I don't want that point to be lost in all off this. I respect what my friend did over there and I'm extremely proud of him. But he didn't vote for Bush, either. He doesn't like the reasons we're over there. It's a lot more personal for him.

And I'm not anti-military. I'm anti-war. I don't like being lied to, and I'm disgusted at how easily the American people were duped. We're governed by fear. Living in fear from 9/11. Living in fear of another 9/11. It's no wonder we're cowed. Look at all the other things we live in fear of:

Iraq
Iran
China
nuclear weapons
bird flu
gay marriage
abortion
higher taxes
migrant workers
race
gas prices
hurricanes
war
peace
living
dying
being different
growing old
being alone
being fat
being unhealthy

I could go on, but I think I made my point.

A lot of those are single issues that were used to divide us during the last presidential election. A lot of those are single issues that divide us today because the government doesn't want us unified on too many of them. Can you imagine the power we'd have if everyone stood up against, say, high gas prices? Can you imagine the power we'd have if everyone voted?

There's a lot more to this that I'm still trying to digest. But it's getting late and I have to be up in a few hours.

One aside: That peace pin stayed in my pocket until we were back in the parking lot, escaping before we got roped into staying for the barbecue. I gave it to my friend. He knows about the price of freedom -- and the value of peace.

Artsy Shit IV: Haiku Strikes Back

Yeah, I know I skipped a day. Sue me.

Silly Star Wars geeks
I know that A New Hope was
Not episode III

Taking artistic
License while writing
These is permitted

•••

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, onward to gamers!

Stinky card gamers
Please take a shower with soap
Or stay in basement

Bathing a good thing
If going out in public
Be considerate

Beached whales seem to play
Many collectible games
Geared for young children

Creepy fat man stares
Lustily at young boy
With card he needs now

"Just one more card will
"Give me the ultimate deck
"And I'll rule the world!"

Hundreds of dollars
Spent on those cardboard pieces
Instead of much soap

•••

There's probably more to say about these card gamers, but that would just be cruel and ... redundant. Anyone who's been around them knows what I'm talking about. And if you haven't, this should give you a good idea.

Artsy Shit III: A New Haiku

OK, OK, it's been a few days since I've felt inspired to write anything. The trip was great, spent time with Scott and the kids, weekend was awesome since I got to see two of my favorite bands play (hmmm... I think it has something to do with the bass player in each band). So it's time to kick off the week with a blog entry. Which means it's time to torture you with more haiku -- based on real-life scenes in Garden City!

You there on the bike
Riding in the pouring rain
DUI for you?

Many bike racks sit
In front of establishments
In Garden City

Longing looks are cast
As people in fancy cars
Drive to the good bars

Suspended license
Means pedaling to the bar
For the local drinkers

Ride faster flabby
Your big beer gut slows you down
Riding down the hill

Oh Garden City
With those scenic river views
From the trailer parks

•••

I was going to write more about gamers -- card gamers in particular -- but I need to try and get sleep! Tune in tomorrow for Artsy Shit IV: Haiku Strikes Back!