Heading out

I'm going back home for the first time in nearly two years. I can't believe I've been away for that long.

The last time I was home, it was for grandpa's 90th birthday, which was roughly a week after the ex left. That was a tough trip because I didn't want any of the extended family to know; didn't want to ruin the party or anything like that.

This time, I'll be more relaxed, though with very little $$ on hand. I don't really have a lot I want to buy... a souvenir or two for the guys, that's about it.

It's weird to be going home... aside from my blood relatives, everything that has become my family is here in Idaho. I make flip comments about how I'd rather be anywhere but here, how much better California is, but to be honest, I don't have a bad life here. The state can't be all bad -- I met Scott here, I got Roscoe here. I've met people who are truly my friends. Granted, several of them aren't from here originally, but I value the people I've grown close to.

I'm a different person than I was two years ago. I've finally carved out an identity where I'm me. I can't say I had that when I was married. I was too caught up in the ideal of marriage, the fact that my husband was my "best friend." Horse shit. No, we shouldn't have gotten married, but that's beside the point. If I didn't go through the shit with him, I wouldn't be with Scott. Anyway, even though I'm closer to Scott than I ever was to the ex, I feel like I'm my own person -- way more than while married. I guess that's an indication of the kind of relationship we have, where we can be ourselves, but the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

From that stand point, I'm anxious to see if home really feels like home. I kinda know the answer to that without even stepping off the plane. Home is where my tribe is, where like-minded folk can share and support one another. So it will be bittersweet for me: I'll be without Scott and the guys for a week, but I'll be with my "first" family. When I leave the Bay Area, I'll miss the grandparents, mom and dad and the rest of my relatives. And then, I'll be ...

home.