Back home

I'm finally back. After a week in the Bay Area, I'm home. Yeah, that's right, the conclusion is: Boise is home because that's where my people live.

Like I said in an earlier post, this feels like home because I have a family of my own (mostly). Which is different from my family. The family of my own consists of Scott, the kids and his tribe. My family is, well, my family. Circular logic, I know, but it makes sense in my head.

In any event, it was great to see Scott after a week. And it was kinda cool to be missed. The kids were happy to see me, and of course so was my guy. It's amazing how easy it is to slip back into the routine. Short week at work, so that's no biggie. Roscoe was very happy to see me. Cassie, well, she's a cat and is being both loving and standoffish.

The good news: I don't have to work tomorrow. The bad news: Time to fold laundry and head to sleep.

The last day

The tour of food finally concluded today. Grandma made blueberry pancakes, I had a salad at the Pyramid Brewery Alehouse and tomato basil soup, crab cakes and creme brulé at Skates.

So as stuffed as I thought I was last week, today was the topper. If I stayed any longer, I seriously doubt I'd be able to fit in my seat on the plane. Let's see if I can recap where we ate this week:

Wednesday: Genki
Thursday: Breakfast at home, dinner at home
Friday: Breakfast at home, lunch at Norikonoko, dinner at Macaroni Grille
Saturday: Breakfast at home, lunch at Merritt Restaurant, dinner at Souzhou
Sunday: NO BREAKFAST, wedding reception food catered by Shai
Monday: Blueberry pancakes, salad at Pyramid, crab cakes at Skates

It doesn't look like a lot, but it was a ton of food. Actually kinda excited to start eating less!

***

The end of vacation is always leaves me with mixed feelings. On one hand, it's great to be back home with your stuff, in your environment with your people. On the other hand, since I'm leaving family, that makes it tough.

It comes down to the fact I hate goodbyes.

I never considered myself a sentimental person. But after the divorce, I realized how important friends and family are -- especially after basically ignoring them while I was with the ex. Maybe not ignoring them; it was more of thinking all we needed was each other and not paying as much attention to family. That all changed.

Family and friends are who kept me sane before, during and after the divorce. You can't do something like that on your own. And it's a tough thing to realize you can't do it by yourself. Most people like to be independent, want to do it on their own. But there comes a time when you realize it's OK to lean on other folks. You just need to remember to be there when they need you.

Recognizing the importance of family makes it that much tougher to leave. Some of it has to do with mortality; my grandparents aren't going to live forever. And I don't want to borrow trouble, but flying a private plane is dangerous. But you can't worry; you have to trust/believe things will work out the way they're supposed to. In that sense, I'm in denial; I don't think about it.

Goodbyes are bad because I don't want the moment to end, at least when I'm saying bye to Scott. The more time I've spent away from mom, the tougher it's been for me to leave, or see her off. None of it is really easy. But it does make sense; we surround ourselves with those we love -- or love us. You don't miss people you dislike.

I don't think I'd have the appreciation I have now if I lived in the area. But unlike the last time I left the Bay Area, I have someone to go home to. I have people I want to see. And I'm actually returning to a place that feels like home.

Some big city girl I turned out to be.

Weddings, family

I cry at weddings.

Yes, that's right. Bitter, bitchy me... crying at weddings. What the hell is up with that?

For starters, after what I went through in 2004, I'm a bit more emotional; things run a little closer to the surface (Scott knows all about my "girlie" moments) and I actually give in. What's the point in being tough? On top of all that, it was a really, really nice ceremony.

My cousin is the third of us grandkids to get married... my brother is the last holdout, and he's been with his girlfriend for about 9 years. My other cousin and I are both divorced, and we're pretty sure his brother is in this one for the long haul.

Not that any of us went into marriage thinking it wouldn't last. You do it thinking it'll be the only one. But with Jay... he met his wife at a bus stop. They fell in love and now they're married. It's too cool not to work out.

It was good to see relatives I haven't seen in 2 years.... for some, I hadn't seen them in 6 or 7 years. I'm glad I made the trip; family is pretty important to me these days. Not only was it a nice ceremony, but it was great to see my cousin tie the knot. I wasn't there for his college graduation, or to see him off when he left for grad school. I'm glad I could be there today, especially since we don't get to see each other that often.

So cheers to a long and lasting marriage!

More artsy shit

Yup, in the mood for more haiku. Be afeared. I'm feeling sorta silly.

Lots of pink frillies
It's Victoria's Secret
People watching good

Big bottomed woman
Holding tiny little thong
Please, please don't do it

Silly little boy
Hugs lingerie mannequin
Says he's a fireman

Forty-two dollars
That's what the price tag stated
For one little bra

Hopeful husband shops
For lingerie for his wife
Will he get lucky?

•••

Must win lottery
To shop at the Apple Store
And buy what I want

Genius Bar all full
"Please fix my computer now"
Employees frazzled

So many iPods
In all different sizes
I'll take one of each

•••

Waffle on my plate
I'll eat you despite the fact
I'm still sort of full

So much food this trip
I'm not sure I'll be able
To fit on the plane

•••

Yeah, that's enough pain for one night...

What you do when you're on vacation

For my family, when you're visiting from out of town, you eat. Three meals a day. Sometimes more. Take Friday: I cooked breakfast, had Japanese for lunch with mom and dad, then had Italian for dinner with the grandparents.

Today, I cooked myself breakfast, then we had lunch with a friend (well, I had a big-ass waffle) and then had Chinese for dinner. Tomorrow is the wedding, so I'm sure there will be all kinds of food associated with that. There's all kinds of leftovers in the fridge from the rehearsal dinner (grandparents went) and I can't even think about food right now. I mean, I think about food and I feel full. I'm definitely not having breakfast... despite the fact there's some really awesome bacon and turkey sausage in the fridge. Not gonna do it...

The other thing that happens when you don't see people for awhile is you go shopping. It's not like there aren't places to shop in Idaho, it's just you can't find a lot of the same things there. Like origami paper, Japanese seasonings, that sorta thing. So between mom being here from Iowa and me from the Land of Potatoes, we ended up doing quite a bit of shopping.

Friday, we started out on Telegraph Avenue... it had been several years since we'd been up there to check out the vendors. It's quite a bit cleaner than I remember, which is a good thing. Still feels like Berkeley and there's still plenty of quirky stuff to be bought. Found several t-shirts I'd love to have but knew they wouldn't be appreciated by all up in Idaho. So I held back. Most of the ones I wanted were anti-Dubya and anti-war. One vendor I liked had a web site, so there's still a chance I could end up with something I wanted.

Later that night, we tried to shop in Emeryville at the extremely popular Bay Street area. No place to park, so we gave up and headed to Powell Street and Ross. We got there about an hour before they closed, and the place was a disaster area. Merchandise all over the place, screaming kids everywhere... a real nightmare.

[We interrupt these musings for the following rant.]

There are a lot of behaviors that are learned. Cleanliness requires a little work, but it takes energy to be a pig as well. It doesn't take a lot of effort to hang up items you don't want. Or to pick up something you knocked over. Or to throw paper towels in the trash instead of a corner in the rest room. A person chooses to be messy. You choose not to throw those paper towels in the trash. You choose to throw those shoes on the floor, just like you choose to throw that shirt on top of the rack. I'd hate to see what your house looks like.

You choose to be ignorant and try to take my place in line because you have one item. Bitch, I stood in line longer than you and I've got one item too. You will wait your turn and take your false sense of entitlement and shove it up your fat ass. Funny how those at higher incomes and lower incomes think people behind the counter owe them something. Here's what you're owed: A nice middle finger salute.

Don't stand in the middle of the aisle. This isn't *your* store. Make up your mind and get the hell out of the way. And keep your kids in check. If they continue to run circles around me, I will trip them and make them cry. Prove I did it on purpose. And if you need to get around me, say excuse me. Don't look at me like a confused cow in the middle of the road. I don't read minds.

[/end mini rant]

The other thing I've noticed is living in Idaho has made me soft. I don't shop at the mall and generally prefer to avoid people when I'm trying to make my purchases. I don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing. I think it's probably better for the population at large.

Anyway, I guess I've beat this one to death, at least for now.

Small town

ent to the bank with grandma today. Nothing terribly exciting about that unless you note the differences between banks here and banks in Idaho.

In Idaho, everything is open. There is no security glass, no extra cameras. At the bank today, the tellers were behind Lexan (or some other shatter-resistant plastic), you slid your papers through a slot and when you completed your transaction, they took your picture.

I don't know how many of the banks are like this; we were at the Wells Fargo at the El Cerrito Plaza. Not a horrible area, but I can only guess the security was a result of repeated robberies -- or an attempt to prevent them.

Regardless, people here don't think twice. In that sense, we're awfully sheltered back in Idaho. It's a good thing and a bad thing... good because the crime rate isn't that high where we have to take those sorts of precautions, bad because we're naive and trusting.

So yeah. I guess it's more proof that Boise is a small town, despite its big-city ambitions. People should be careful what they wish for.

On the road

Observations from today's plane ride and stint at the wonderful Boise Airport...

When they bring the passengers in wheelchairs into the terminal from the plane, they line them up in rows. It's like they're going to race. I kept waiting for one of the old ladies to say "eat my dust" and take off, but it didn't happen.

•••

The number of people having "important" phone conversations was astonishing. "I'm at the airport", "I'm on the plane" ... do people really care? Boarding the plane, at least half of the passengers had phones stuck to their heads. Again, what could be that important? I'm glad I don't life their lives.

•••

It's now known as a "water evacuation." They finally figured out 737s don't "land" in water. And we're only supposed to use the flotation devices when instructed to do so...

•••

Standing at the gate, it's always fun to watch your bags get loaded. But the first baggage cart came and no Bagzilla! How could Bagzilla miss this trip?? I got a seat near the back (row 19) right over where they load the baggage. I look out the window... Bagzilla! Good girl! And for the record, this is the easiest big duffel to tote around. Evar.

•••

Improvements to BOI are pretty nice. It doesn't feel like you're stepping into the '80s when you get there. In contrast, Oakland looks pretty beat down and tired. Some passengers from Idaho were trying to talk shit about OAK, saying how BOI is better now. But let's take a moment to look at 1) more passengers go through Oakland; 2) Boise was JUST remodeled; 3) Oakland is older. I'm not trying to stick up for Oakland by any stretch, just want to once again emphasize that people from Idaho need to get out more and understand that there is more to life beyond the land of potatoes.

Heading out

I'm going back home for the first time in nearly two years. I can't believe I've been away for that long.

The last time I was home, it was for grandpa's 90th birthday, which was roughly a week after the ex left. That was a tough trip because I didn't want any of the extended family to know; didn't want to ruin the party or anything like that.

This time, I'll be more relaxed, though with very little $$ on hand. I don't really have a lot I want to buy... a souvenir or two for the guys, that's about it.

It's weird to be going home... aside from my blood relatives, everything that has become my family is here in Idaho. I make flip comments about how I'd rather be anywhere but here, how much better California is, but to be honest, I don't have a bad life here. The state can't be all bad -- I met Scott here, I got Roscoe here. I've met people who are truly my friends. Granted, several of them aren't from here originally, but I value the people I've grown close to.

I'm a different person than I was two years ago. I've finally carved out an identity where I'm me. I can't say I had that when I was married. I was too caught up in the ideal of marriage, the fact that my husband was my "best friend." Horse shit. No, we shouldn't have gotten married, but that's beside the point. If I didn't go through the shit with him, I wouldn't be with Scott. Anyway, even though I'm closer to Scott than I ever was to the ex, I feel like I'm my own person -- way more than while married. I guess that's an indication of the kind of relationship we have, where we can be ourselves, but the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

From that stand point, I'm anxious to see if home really feels like home. I kinda know the answer to that without even stepping off the plane. Home is where my tribe is, where like-minded folk can share and support one another. So it will be bittersweet for me: I'll be without Scott and the guys for a week, but I'll be with my "first" family. When I leave the Bay Area, I'll miss the grandparents, mom and dad and the rest of my relatives. And then, I'll be ...

home.

It's Mel's fault... again

So unlike Mel, I'm going to answer as truthfully as I can. Then again, when she posts these things, they're funny enough to make me post them too. The main difference is that hers make me laugh and mine... zzzzzzzzz.

ANSWER - TRUTHFULLY
1. Do you like anyone?: Hmmm... a very specific anyone, yes.
2. Do they know it?: If they don't I have bigger problems... (Yes, he knows. I tell him everyday [ewwww... sentimental!])
3. Simple or complicated? Me? Or us?

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU
4. Had sex:
5. Bought something: Yup
6. Gotten sick?: Does a migraine count?
7. Been hugged: yes
8. Felt stupid?: yes
9. Talked to an ex: fuck no
10. Missed someone: yes
11. Failed a test: not that I recall
13. Danced: I bounced around at the hippie fest this weekend...
14. Snuck out?: Of work
15. Sat and looked at the stars?: Yes

MANNERS
16. Do you swear/curse?: hell motherfucking no
17. Do you ever spit?: only when I'm sick
18. You cook your own food?: I make sandwiches for lunch, does that count?
19. You do your own chores?: Sure
20. You like beef jerky?: Heh. Beef. Jerky. Yeah, I order it online.
21. You like pepsi or coke?: Coke tastes better, Pepsi is less evil, trying to kick the soda habit.
22. You're happy with your hair life?: Yup, Jenny does great work!
23. You own a dog? Roscoe!
24. Do you like to swim?: Not as much as I should, then I've had some bad water experiences
25. When you get bored do you call a friend: Yup

EVER......
Slept in a bed with the opposite sex?:
Hooked up in the woods?:
Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?: Only enough to make myself sick
Hooked up in the shower?:
Stolen money from a friend?: WTF? Um, no.
Slept naked?:
Been in a fist fight?: Does shoving someone from behind count?
Had a crush on a teacher?: Mmmm... both were PE teachers.
Been on an airplane?: Yup, going on another one Wednesday!
Slept all day?: Yup
Fallen asleep during school? Mostly in my media law class, when I bothered to show up
Been lonely?: yes
Cheated in a game?: Video games
Been to the ER?: Yup
Been in a car accident?: Two car, one motorcycle
Had detention?: yup
Cried yourself to sleep?: not recently
Done something you told yourself you'd never do again? Yup
Kissed a complete stranger?: Not on the mouth

9 "LASTS"
1. cigarette: never
2. beverage: bottled water
3. kiss: a few hours ago
4. hug: a few hours ago
5. movie seen: one of Scott's Sam Kinison tapes
6. cd played: Rio Grande Blood ~ Ministry.... if you're anti-war, anti-Dubya, this is the shit. It rocks hard and hasn't left the CD player for a week.
7. song listened to: Khyber Pass ~ Ministry. Great guitar riff, bass line, this song kicks ass. Vic knew what he was talking about when he recommended this.
8. bubble bath: not for a long time
9. time you cried: Got homesick around my birthday...

8 "HAVE YOU EVERS"
1. dated one of your best friends: yes
2. skinny dipped: no :(
3. kissed somebody and regretted it: yes, because it we were friends and things got weird afterward
4. fallen in love: yes
5. lost someone you loved: He left; I didn't lose him. And I'm better off.
6. been depressed: Yes
7. been drunk and threw up: Yes
8. ran away: Physically or mentally?

Name 7 states you've been to
How about all of em? There's not that many...
California
Nevada
Arizona
Texas
Oregon
Washington
Idaho
Utah
Wyoming
Nebraska
Illinois
Iowa
Indiana
Maryland
Virginia
Pennsylvania
Vermont
Hawaii

6 things you've done today
Showered
Went to Ontario
Went to the Eagle Island Experience
Ate a cheeseburger
Spent "quality time" with Scott
Stood in the rain

5 favorite things in no particular order
The ocean
Falling asleep/waking up next to Scott
Strawberry ice cream
Cold, clean, crisp tasting water
Grandma's garden

4 people you last talked to
Amy
Emma
Stan
Scott

3 wishes
Win the lottery
Health and happiness for friends and loved ones
A long, happy, healthy life with Scott

2 things you want to be when you grow up
What's this growing up shit?
I'd like to be able to support myself and buy a house. Does that count?

1 thing you regret the most
It was in the glove box, dammit...

Oh shit, it's artsy time

It's been a long time since I've written anything that was close to poetic. I think being a journalist beat that out of me. And since everyone and their dog has a blog (/raises hand), there's a ton of incredibly bad writing.

I know I don't fall into that category, but I'm not near as good as I used to be. I suppose being your own worst critic and growing self conscious have something to do with that. In any event, we'll give this a whirl and hope it doesn't suck too hard.

•••

I stood in the rain
As the drops fell from the sky
They cooled my hot skin

Water danced on leaves
Falling gently to the ground
A calming rhythm

Rain water mingled
With the sweat upon my brow
My heart filled with joy

Looking at the stars
Peeking through the wispy clouds
Shining in darkness

A smile on my lips
While marveling at the joy
Of simplicity

•••

Was never really that great at haiku in school... mostly because the vocabulary wasn't as good as it is now. In some ways, it's a cop-out because it's so freakin' easy to write. I don't admire many poets, wasn't ever into poetry much past junior high. I can appreciate Robert Frost, ee cummings, Shel Silverstein, those folks. Never liked Shakespeare, still don't. After reading Jack London, John Steinbeck, Hemingway, Bradbury and so on, I grew fond of sparse writing and great storytelling. Mark Twain is a great story teller, but shit, the language you have to wade through to get to the point. I digress.

When I did write poetry, it was free form -- no structure, very stream-of-consciousness. The editor in me won't let me do that any more. It has to make sense. That's why journalism ruined me for that sort of thing. Haiku is structured, but I don't have to worry about rhyming, couplets, things like A-B-A, sonnets or how many verses. I can write as much or as little as I want. Word choice is key. I like that, I like the economy of writing haiku.

I'm ambivalent about what I wrote. The first two lines came to me when I was walking Scott to the truck tonight. It was a pleasant, gentle rain and a nice change from the heat indoors (AC doesn't work worth a shit here). It struck me as poetic, so here it is.

I can only hope it doesn't bore my limited readership.

Then & now

Ten years ago, it was 1996. Take this survey, post the results, and see how many things have changed since then.

1) How old were you?
THEN: 24
NOW: 34

2) Where did you go to school?
THEN: dropped out
NOW: New Horizons Computer Learning Center

3) Where did you work?
THEN: Copy editor, San Antonio Express-News
NOW: Tech support, Apple Computer

4) Where did you live?
THEN: San Antonio, Texas/San Jose, CA
NOW: Boise, ID

5) How was your hairstyle?
THEN: Shortish, bangs
NOW: shorter with color

6) Did you wear braces?
THEN: nope
NOW: nope

7) Did you wear contacts?
THEN: nope
NOW: yup

8) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: yup
NOW: sunglasses, non-perscription (w00t!)

9) Who was your best friend?
THEN: Neil, fiance/boyfriend at the time
NOW: Scott, but he's so much more than that :D

10) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: Bobbysox (cat), Ripley (dog)
NOW: Roscoe, Cassie, Pig the Fish, status of Zferrets unknown, Bobbysox living with mom on the farm

11) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: Neil
NOW: Scott

12) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: Steve Young, Jerry Rice, can't really remember
NOW: Russell Crowe, Mike Ness

13) Who was your regular-person crush?
THEN: Was pretty in love
NOW: Take a wild guess

14) How many piercings did you have?
THEN: two in the right ear, three in the left
NOW: three in each earlobe, plus cartilage and rook in left ear

15) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: none
NOW: five and I need more

16) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: U2, Wallflowers
NOW: Tool, Ministry, NIN, Social Distortion

17) Had you smoked a cigarette?
THEN: nope
NOW: nope

18) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: Yes.
Now: not as much, too old for that shit...

19) Had you DRIVEN YET?
THEN: Yes.
NOW: Yes.

20) If so which car?
THEN: white 1998 Mercury Topaz, automatic
NOW: green 1997 Honda Civic coupe, 5-speed (and it was FREE!)

21) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?

Hell no. Idaho? WTF? Married and divorced? No kids? With the most wonderful man ever? Out of newspapers? Shit. I had hoped to be a columnist or something by now. And to have more money. But I don't have a ton of money, and I'm really happier than I've ever been. Go figure.

The Karma Bunny ... and you

Letting go is difficult. We're a possessive, materialistic society and we like hanging on to the good, the bad, the useless.

We cling to memories like so many useless threads, hoping for a lover's return, praying for revenge, wallowing in bitterness. We waste energy churning up scenarios, playing what-if, trying to tip the cosmic scales in our favor.

This is no crisis of faith; I've got fucking faith -- faith in myself, first and foremost and faith in those who love me and proven they'll be there for me. What I don't have is forgiveness; it's a waste of time because what's done is done. You can't take it back, you can't right a wrong. It's in the past. The good thing to know, and the bright side to all this, is that I don't hate because it's a wasted emotion. It's a waste of time.

With all of this "faith" and unforgiveness is the task of taking the high road and being the better person. You have to believe that by taking the high road, things will sort themselves out. Don't give into hate. Isn't that what Yoda said?

I believe in revenge. I don't believe I need to be the person to carry it out, however. This is where the Karma Bunny comes in.

KB works a little like the Easter Bunny. He keeps track of who's paid their dues and who needs a swift kick in the balls. In my world, he looks like Hazel from the Watership Down movie. Or he could be the Velveteen Rabbit in the video adaptation narrated by Meryl Streep. Anyway. He's big, he's brown and don't fuck with him.

I've asked the Karma Bunny to make his delivery to CWB rather than my ex; his established pattern of behavior will fuck him in his fat ass and I'm good with that. Don't lecture me about bitterness. I've accepted that I have the capacity to be very bitter but have done a better job of controlling it. This is the time of year where those emotions start running pretty close to the surface.

In any even, KB has a BIG delivery for CWB for what she did to Scott and what she continues to do to the boys. That's why it's worth it to take the high road. If you start fucking with his mojo, he'll kick you in the balls faster than you can say "ro-sham-bo."

KB is at his best when his delivery is a complete surprise. Like where he was at 3:30 a.m. on Sunday. Just so happened a former boss was driving while intoxicated and happened to get caught by BPD. So he got arrested for misdemeanor DUI. He'll be lucky if he keeps his jobs. Certainly, it's bad luck/karma to revel in the misery of others. I'm not doing that. In my world, this individual got what was coming to him. You make your own luck. He made a bad choice. Now he gets to pay.

I know a lot of people who owe the Karma Bunny. I think I was due as well, but it's hard to look at that as a bad thing since I'm with Scott now (best. guy. evar.). You'll pay in this life, or the next, or the next. I prefer to get this sorta thing out of the way. I hate doing things over...

The initial reaction is to take matters into your own hands. It's OK to think this, just don't act on it; it's sweeter when you don't have a hand in the payback.

Besides, a bunny's gotta work too.

Possiblities

Really quickly before I find sleep...

I've said before that if for some reason things didn't work out with Scott, I'd be done with guys. No, that doesn't mean I'd embrace my inner lesbian or anything like that (settle down, fellas). It means that there's no way I'd want another relationship. Why? It's quite simple: I can't imagine my life, or any future, without him. It's pretty damn cool.

Faced with the possibilities of dating women or becoming a crazy cat lady, I'd pick cats. Yup, I'd collect em and bring em home. The more the merrier. Cover my carpet in cat piss and call me crazy. Scott said he pictured me sitting at my desk, trying to paint miniatures with all these cats walking over me. Oh yeah, Roscoe and Cassie would be in the mix as well.

As long as the Karma Bunny doesn't kick anyone in the balls, I don't see myself joining the ranks of crazy cat people. I'm quite confident Scott will prevent that from happening.

Just like I'll keep him from becoming a stinky card player.

/twiddles fingers in nerdish manner...

Simple things

Grabbed a late lunch/early dinner today after band practice. It was just the three of us since younger child went to his mom's this weekend. Since it was Mother's Day, they had pink and white balloons all over the place.

When the waitress brought the check, she handed me a flower and said "Happy Mother's Day." I was a bit surprised since older child looks nothing like me. But it made me feel good that we looked like a family. It's a goofy thing that doesn't matter to anyone else. Then again, it really has been a long time since I've felt like I've been part of a family.

Don't take that the wrong way. Despite being a child of divorce, being with mom and younger sibling did feel like a family. But I've been living on my own for the past ... 13 years now? Living with a boyfriend doesn't feel like a family. Neither did being married and having a dog, a cat and four ferrets. And despite some of the complications (read: living arrangements and CWB) in my current situation, it's the first time since I've been out on my own that I feel like I'm part of a family again.

I do have a great family. But I've been up here for almost six years now. I've been back to the Bay Area four times in those six years. It's easy to feel a little isolated. But with Scott and the gang, I feel like I'm a part of something again; I've more or less got a family of my own now.

I'm not trying to be anyone's mother, or take the place of their mom. What passes for parenting skills from me comes from the way I was raised and common sense. Be courteous, don't be obnoxious and don't make us ask you 10 times to get ready for bed. Pretty simple stuff.

A single flower doesn't mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. But at least for today, it's a reminder that I'm a part of something very wonderful.

As if I really needed a reminder.

Brand new bag

Meet Bagzilla!



I know, I could fille up the gas tank twice for what I paid for this bag, but I don't want to haul that big-ass suitcase with me when I go home and I don't want to cram everything into the bag that only holds about 2 days' worth of crap. So, we've got Bagzilla.

What makes it so cool? This is straight from the REI web site:

Emerging from the REI laboratory--the redesigned Beast duffel bag! This large-capacity gear bag is a durable companion for expeditions and road trips.
* Main bag features a large U-shaped opening for easy access and a separate top zip compartment for wet clothes and dirty boots
* Fully adjustable, padded backpack-style straps allow convenient, hands-free carrying through airports and beyond
* Beefy high-density foam-padded main carry handles for traditional duffel-style carrying
* Padded dual end grab handles for quick two-person grabbing and hucking from ground to car, train or boat
* Top and dual side-compression straps cinch the load tight, helping to stabilize the gear and increase contents' security
* Four interior zippered pockets let you organize and separate small essentials
* Small exterior side zip pocket for quick stashing of last-minute items such as multi-tool, toothbrush or journal
* Zippers on main compartment are lockable for added security (locks sold separately)

Specs:
REI Beast Bag 2.0 Duffel
Average weight ~ 3 lbs. 5 oz.
Approximate volume ~ 5,700 cubic inches
Dimensions ~ 30 x 15 x 12 inches
Material ~ Nylon
Number of pockets ~ 2 main compartment

Yeah, I'm a freak. Deal with it.

A new low

Today was pay day, which means it's time to put fuel in the mule.

Throughout this so-called gas crisis, I've been happily avoiding getting raped on fuel prices. Today, that stopped.

Today, I paid the most I've ever paid to fill up the Civic. Even with the handy little Maverick discount card, I paid $2.80 per gallon. I put in 10.004 gallons of the shitty, watered down excuse for gas they sell (81 octane or some crap, maybe lower). Total = $28.00.

It's not that I've never spent that much for gas before. When I borrowed various SUV-type things when moving, I've spent $30-$40 to fill up. But this is my car, the one that gets 30-40 mpg.

And the more I thought about it, the more it made me mad. Gas prices have been well over $2 for the past year. I'm old enough to remember when gas was 99 cents, or lower. It was when I was in high school and had my first car... an '82 Datsun station wagon. For a mere $5, I had gas for a week. So back in 1989, if I put $28 in gas into the Datsun, I would've had enough fuel for a month.

Now, that $28 is good for about 2 weeks, assuming I'm going between home, work, Scott's and the game store. Throw in a trip or two to Nampa or Caldwell, and it's quite a bit less.

But the thought of even $1.50/gallon is appealing. There was a time when we thought the price was appalling. What's appalling today is the fact that minimum wage in Idaho is $5.15/hour and the average price for a gallon of gas is $2.836. I'm not going to bother with doing the math here, but the shorter the commute, the more money in your pocket. Look at it this way: When I drive 30 miles, it's going to cost me roughly $2.80 in fuel (assuming the 30 mpg). For people with SUVs and other fuel inefficient vehicles, if they drive 30 miles, and are getting say, 6 mpg (piece o shit Hummer anyone?), it costs them five times as much, or $14.

These are the price averages for Tuesday:


Do you see the prices for last week? Last month? What. The. Fuck.

In any event, this shit is way out of control. There isn't a damn thing I can do as one consumer. The fact of the matter is, those of us who work generally drive. Car pooling isn't a great option up here, and public transit isn't worth a damn. I'd love to get another motorcycle, but there's the insurance and the asshat drivers here. So I'll drive my car, and pay those fucking prices. And remind myself yet again of the one thing that kind of makes it all OK:

That 1997 Honda Civic coupe was free. And did I mention it only has 63,000 miles on it?

Quote of the weekend

Had dinner at a new Mexican restaurant on Saturday. Well, old location, new owners. In any event, this place is near the former place of employment and was a spot the ex was known to frequent.

I looked over at a table across the way, and here's this guy that looks like the ex-husband. Heart stops, starts again and pulse races.

I lean over to Scott and say, "That guy over there looks a lot like the ex."

He casually takes a look and then leans back.

"Nah. Can't be him. Not fat enough."

Zing!

Add that to the list of reasons why I love Scott...

Darn you Mel!

Name: Jennifer, Jen (do not call me Jenny!!!)

Birthdate: Jan. 31

Birthplace: Alta Bates Hospital, Berkeley, CA

Current Location: City of Trees

Eye Color: brown

Hair Color: Dark brown (looks black) with red highlights

Height: 5'3"

Piercings: Ears... three in each, plus cartilage and rook in my left ear

Tattoos: Several. Right leg (aka the video game leg) -- NiGHTS, chaos from Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic himself. Left leg, the divorce tattoo. Left arm, yin-yang.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yup. Got me a real man, and he's fabulous!

Overused Phrase: some variation of the "F word"

-- FAVORITES

Food: Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, steak... trying to be healthy but...

Candy: Again, trying to be healthy, usually something with mint *and* chocolate

Number: 15

Color: Black, blue

Animal: cat

Drink: Water, iced tea

Alcoholic drink: 1554, Jager + Red Bull, Patron tequila

Bagel: Onion, or BLUEBERRY (take that, Mel!) with lotsa cream cheese!

Body Part on Opposite sex: Eyes

-- CHOOSE

Pepsi or Coke: Do I have to? Prefer Coke, but Pepsi is the lesser of two evils

McDonalds or BurgerKing: BK in a pinch

Hot tea or Ice tea: Iced

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate

Hot Chocolate or Coffee: Hot chocolate (prefer hot tea, or chai)

Kiss or Hug: Only one? My guy does both so well...

Dog or Cat: Cat

Rap or Punk: More punk, tho I'm not offended by rap

Summer or Winter: Winter. Summer is too freakin hot up here.

Scary Movies or Funny Movies: Yes

Love or Money: Love. I've got love, I don't have money. Pretty flippin' happy...

-- YOUR...

Bedtime: Before 3 a.m.

Most Missed Memory: Lounging in bed on Sunday mornings with that special someone (our schedules conspire against us...)

Best phyiscal feature: Used to be my legs... must exercise more

First thought waking up: Why didn't I got to be sooner? Second thought: Damn dog, hogged the bed again...

Goal for this year: Finishing my network admin certifications

Weakness: Junk food, snacking

Fears: Fucking up a good thing.

Heritage: Japanese (fourth generation American, aka yonsei)

Longest relationship: Five years, 8 months (no, I don't give a rat's ass about how many days...)

--IN A GUY/GIRL

Favorite Eye Color: Brown.

Favorite Hair Color: Doesn't matter.

Short or Long: Heh. Shorter. At least where hair is concerned.

Height: Taller than me, but not too tall

Style: Do laundry, don't be a slob. If you're comfortable, that works for me.

Looks or personality: I laugh all the time with Scott. And he's good looking. I win!

Drugs and Alcohol: Drink socially. Everything in moderation.

Muscular or Really Skinny: If you're happy... but like Mel said, that Fat Bastard dude was scary. Don't even go there.

-- RANDOMS

Number of Regrets in the Past: Two -- Not knowing my grandfather well enough and one that I will not post in this space.

What country do you want to visit: Japan would be cool

Been to the mall lately: Bought Kingdom Hearts 2, haven't been back since. Gives me a headache.

Do you like thunderstorms: Heh. You bet.

Get along with your parents: More so now than in my youth...

Health Freak: Trying to eat organic, cut out processed foods. It's a matter of retraining myself.

Do you think your're attractive: I've been told I am. Who am I to argue?

Believe in yourself: I do now. Got a nifty tattoo on my left leg for those moments of doubt, loathing and self-pity...

Want to go to college: Thanks, but been there, done that

Do you smoke: Hell no.

Do you drink: Occasionally.

Shower daily: Um, yeah... duh

Been in love: Yes, am now. Thanks.

Do you sing: In the car, or large groups.

When do you want to lose your virginity? Wait, is this a trick question?