Chlorine

Dear motorcycle-riding cell phone user heading east on Goddard,

I'm calling you out because you're the second stupid fuck I've seen doing this in a week. I know that you think you were on an important call. But let's take a closer look at what you were doing.

1. Riding a motorcycle. For the most part, this is an activity that requires two hands — especially if shifting, turning or stopping. Most people can't handle this activity when it's got their undivided attention. I know you aren't a Mensa candidate; I saw the kind of helmet you were wearing.

2. Riding a motorcycle. I don't care how good of a rider you think you are; all of us who have ridden on the street know you have to watch out for the assholes in cars. Many of them claim motorcyclists are hard to see. If they don't see you, how the fuck do you have enough time to react if you're distracted by talking on the phone?

3. Talking on the phone. There are few things that are important enough to warrant a call in the car. Your baby better be shitting baby zebras if you're talking on the phone on a fucking motorcycle. I mean, why not pull over? What the fuck is that important? Is it worth crashing?

4. Talking on the phone. I have to think that talking on the phone while riding a motorcycle is dumber than talking on the phone in the shitter. It's got to be a least as annoying for the person on the other end. I'm very conscious of how my background noise affects the other person. Maybe it's just because of the way I was raised, or because I really dislike talking to someone with a lot of background noise.

In any event, keep both hands on the handle bars and put your fucking phone away. Otherwise, we'll chalk this up to chlorine in the gene pool and pray you haven't reproduced.

See you in the Darwin Awards!