After so many weeks of churning and agonizing, I've found equilibrium again. I know Corporation X is part of why I lost balance; this long weekend has been good for me, despite the fact plans fell through (more in a bit).
Time away from the mindless bullshit has been good for me. I feel refreshed as my third day off draws to a close. It's good to get away from the hoop jumping, the spreadsheets, the babysitting and the bullshit. I needed time for me, and that's what the birthday week needs to become -- it's about me, not drinking or partying, but for me to spend time doing what I enjoy. In this case, it was a good amount of time with Scott and the kids. We weren't able to secure childcare this weekend, so our getaway is postponed for two weeks. All in all, a good weekend.
I'm feeling creative for the first time in forever. I've got Photoshop open and I'm making a sig for the discussion boards for my war game.
I used to do things in Photoshop all the time. Every day. For several hours. I guess it was easier when I needed to use it because of work, but I haven't pushed myself to be creative.
We're done with being uncreative. I've got shit to accomplish.
iTunes has brought up "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion. For some reason, the chorus is resonating with me tonight.
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
This doesn't apply to my relationship in any way whatsoever. I think it's talking about all the shit I let get me down... the shit that, for whatever reason, isn't bringing me down any more.
I wish I knew what switch flipped and prompted the change. I know better than to question it, but still. I feel empowered for the first time in a long, long time. The clarity is refreshing. Maybe it comes from holding your loved one, looking into their eyes and drinking them in, knowing they're feeling what you're feeling. Maybe it's feeling your skin flush, that familiar tidal wave of warmth filling your body as you realize there is no single person in the universe you care about more than the one who's holding you right now.
It's not labeling things; it's taking each moment as it comes. It's realizing that we're us, nothing more, nothing less. It's being in love and being loved.
Maybe this is my delayed reaction to turning 35. Maybe it's my subconscious coming to the forefront, reminding me of the things I hold dear, the things that make me happy. I know that happiness comes from within, but I'm that much happier when I'm with Scott. I'm happy in front of the Powerbook, writing a blog few will read, working in Photoshop and listening to iTunes.
Or maybe it's the realization that there are bigger, better things on the horizon. It's knowing that my time is now, that the Universe is aligning in just the right way. if I don't seize the moment, it'll be lost.
Carpe diem, bitches. Watch the fuck out.
iTunes is at it again.
Depeche Mode
Enjoy the Silence (Reinterpreted)
Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Enjoy the silence
"All I ever wanted/All I ever needed/Is here in my arms" That part of the song always grabs me. I can't top that.
Off to play in Photoshop.
balanced
No comments:
Post a Comment