...

Waiting for the clothes to get done in the dryer. I should've been in bed around 12:30 since I have an errand to run before work. But I stopped for groceries on the way home. At least I'll have food for the next few weeks.
•••
Today is Mom's birthday. I think it's kinda funny my birthday gift from her arrived today. Been sitting here waiting for me all day. There was some Christmas candy, a cute stuffed penguin, a bad-ass shirt I'll probably wear this weekend and a magazine. But it put me in a weird mood.

I'm a big, blubbering idiot.

We have a tradition where Mom has gotten us stuffed animals for the various holidays and our birthdays. I'm not sure what to think when, at 35, I squeeze an item wrapped in tissue paper, realize it's a stuffed animal and get all teary-eyed.
•••
Truth be told, there's some other stuff going on that I'm sorting out. But that's not behind the emotions. At least not these emotions.

I've gotten a greater appreciation for family as I've grown older. Family is more important than work. Health should be more important than work, but at Corporation X, that's just not the case.

None of my immediate family is here. No, as much as I'd like to wish it, Roscoe and Cassie just don't count. Yes, they love me in their own animal ways, but I'm sure if someone else provided food and shelter, they'd be fine.
•••
So what's at the core of my current state of unease? A few things. Money. Housing. Work. Time. Sleep. The usual stuff. The difference this time is that I've given myself a deadline.
•••
If you cannot find
the truth right where
you are, where else do
you expect to find it?
~ Dogen
•••
No, I didn't expect this pass-the-time-away entry to get all deep and shit. But really, all we're ever looking for is truth. And happiness. But does truth = happiness?

In a way, yes. Truth does equal happiness. I'm happy when I'm being true to myself. People are more at ease when they're being truthful. When you aren't being deceived, it's easier to be at ease, which in turn can lead to happiness.

So what about happiness coming from within? What about you choosing your mood and attitude?

These are all overlapping circles. You choose to be happy, and there are various levels of this. There's the happiness you feel on pay day, because you'll have something in your bank account, at least for a few days. There's the happiness you feel when you talk to an old friend for the first time in months. There's the happiness you feel when you look into your mate's eyes and you know there's no greater love, no greater desire than what you feel right then.

Behind all that, there's your truth. You know what you want to accomplish, your hopes, your dreams. If you're deceiving yourself about your own wants and needs, chances are you aren't really happy.

That's the realization. That's when choosing your mood and attitude is critical. Hell, I can't even keep it straight right now.
•••
It's easier to go with the flow, to give in to being disgruntled or to play along as a malcontent. It's amazing how when you choose that mood it spreads, rippling out to those around you.

But the time for truth isn't now, at least to the group. I know where my truth is. I know what I want and how I'm going to get it. I know this mood will pass, and I'll wake up refreshed and ready to get through the week. I've got plenty to look forward to.

It's a matter of taking things one day at a time.

P.S. For the thoroughly confused, no, I'm not changing relationship status or anything like that. I'm being intentionally vague since this is more like thinking out loud...