Plan B has the green light. Not going to make anything official at Corporation X until Friday, but yes, a change is in the works and I suspect there will be a bit of a ripple effect.
Part of me feels bad, but part of me says "fuck it." It's all about finding the balance between doing what you like and making enough money to survive. And right now, survival is high on the list.
Not going to go too deep into feelings about some of the friends I've made; I'm a bit in denial in that area right now, and I need to keep it that way. But as has been the case with friendships my whole life, if you're important to me, I will find a way to keep you in my life.
Anyway, need sleep. Headache still rages.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Best. Speech. Ever.
Yup. Steve Jobs is the man. And this was before the iPhone! And iDAHO! And iCBM!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
It's got a pulse...
Not dead. At least not yet.
Two days since any "real" food, which I guess isn't a bad thing aside from the headache. I either ended up with food poisoning or the stomach flu, neither of which was pleasant.
Monday into Tuesday, it was out of bed and to the bathroom from about 11 p.m. until I don't know when, roughly every 20 minutes. Tuesday into Wednesday had fewer trips to the potty, but left me with a lovely headache, fever, dizziness and very little sleep. End result: Two days behind at work.
So, with a few minutes to go until Thursday, I feel marginally human. Still dehydrated and fearful of eating anything more solid than apple sauce. I just had some vegetable soup, so we'll see what happens with that. Lots of liquids. Definitely lots of liquids.
I guess this could be proof of the power of the mind and how it connects to your health and well-being. For the past few weeks, I've vowed not to get sick because of my birthday and because I had a weekend with the man coming. Well, we had our weekend and then... I got sick.
I'm not sure how I feel about that, because really, if my will power is that strong, I'm not applying myself in the ways I should. But to be on the safe side: No more steak from Fred Meyer, no more burgers from Carl's Jr. We'll take this opportunity to keep the crap out of my system, at least as much as possible. Defintely taking a longer, harder look at diet and nutrition. Dip me in soy milk and roll me in granola... going organic as often as I can. Sure it costs more, but do you want to pay for it now, or later? I know there will be times when I'm not "pure" but my budget sucks and I'm not going to waste food I've paid for. Yes, I will make exceptions for Flying Pie, dammit.
Anyway, not going to do the soap box thing because none of you who might want to argue with me will win. Not on my blog at least.
And really, those who know me know better than to try and start shit when I'm sick.
Two days since any "real" food, which I guess isn't a bad thing aside from the headache. I either ended up with food poisoning or the stomach flu, neither of which was pleasant.
Monday into Tuesday, it was out of bed and to the bathroom from about 11 p.m. until I don't know when, roughly every 20 minutes. Tuesday into Wednesday had fewer trips to the potty, but left me with a lovely headache, fever, dizziness and very little sleep. End result: Two days behind at work.
So, with a few minutes to go until Thursday, I feel marginally human. Still dehydrated and fearful of eating anything more solid than apple sauce. I just had some vegetable soup, so we'll see what happens with that. Lots of liquids. Definitely lots of liquids.
I guess this could be proof of the power of the mind and how it connects to your health and well-being. For the past few weeks, I've vowed not to get sick because of my birthday and because I had a weekend with the man coming. Well, we had our weekend and then... I got sick.
I'm not sure how I feel about that, because really, if my will power is that strong, I'm not applying myself in the ways I should. But to be on the safe side: No more steak from Fred Meyer, no more burgers from Carl's Jr. We'll take this opportunity to keep the crap out of my system, at least as much as possible. Defintely taking a longer, harder look at diet and nutrition. Dip me in soy milk and roll me in granola... going organic as often as I can. Sure it costs more, but do you want to pay for it now, or later? I know there will be times when I'm not "pure" but my budget sucks and I'm not going to waste food I've paid for. Yes, I will make exceptions for Flying Pie, dammit.
Anyway, not going to do the soap box thing because none of you who might want to argue with me will win. Not on my blog at least.
And really, those who know me know better than to try and start shit when I'm sick.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Huck the folidays: February edition
So here we are, teetering on the brink of another Hallmark Holiday.
Show your love with diamonds. Show your love with roses. Show your love with chocolates. Show your love with any shitty pink and red gift you get at the corner convenience store because you don't want to look like a heel by not buying something. Buy, buy, buy. If you don't, you don't love him. If you don't, she'll leave you for the guy with the bigger dick and bigger box of chocolates. True story, yo.
Seriously, I've got a better idea: Show your love every day.
Wow, me, going against the grain? Don't buy into the marketing and the hype? What's next? A job working for the government?
*ahem*
If you do a little research (very little, as I hit up wikipedia for my info), you'll notice some interesting things about Valentine's Day. Such as:
>> On St. Valentine's Day in 1349, roughly 2,000 Jews were burned to death by Christian mobs in Strausbourg. These mobs, led by nobles who owed large sums to Jewish moneylenders (usury being a sin for Christians), blamed the Jews for poisoning the city's wells and causing the bubonic plague.
>> The earliest surviving valentine dates from 1415. It is a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife. At the time, the duke was being held in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt.
>> It is probable that the various legends about St. Valentine were invented during this period. Among these legends:
* On the evening before Valentine was to be martyred for being a Christian, he passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From your Valentine."
* During a ban on marriages of Roman soldiers by the Emperor Claudius II, St. Valentine secretly helped arrange marriages.
>> In 1836, relics of St. Valentine of Rome were donated by Pope Gregory XVI to the Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland. In the 1960s, the church was renovated and relics restored to prominence.
>> In 1969, as part of a larger effort to pare down the number of saint days of purely legendary origin, the Church removed St. Valentine's Day as an official holiday from its calendar. February 14 is now dedicated only to Saint Cyril and Saint Methodius.
I don't think there's anything in the history about what you need to give people. Plus, Valentine isn't even a saint. Who the fuck cares? And find that Cupid bastard. He can shove that bow and arrow some place -- sideways.
Don't accuse me of being bitter or not being in love. On the contrary, I'm extremely happy with my personal life; I love and I'm loved. We're just us. I don't need to buy my man expensive gifts for him to know he's loved because I tell him every day. He doesn't need to buy me things for me to know how he feels. It's a part of our relationship, it's part of us.
I like the idea of romantic love; I much prefer the kind of love I have right now -- thick or thin, good or bad, it's there. I don't love Scott less if he's had a bad day; I probably love him more so he can have more good vibes headed his way. The kind of love that's important to me (and Mel touched on this in her blog) is the love that's with you all the time. It's the little in-jokes, the things that seem silly to other folks but are important to you. It's the text message at lunch asking "How did it go?" It's the text message when you're stuck at work late at night that says "your cat misses you" that makes you smile. It's a visible reminder that you're being thought of.
The girlie part of me dreams up weekend get aways, trips abroad as part of romantic love. Really, place isn't as important as who's there with me. I could be on a budget (as is often the case) and the trip is across town ... as long as we're together, I'm happy.
I think a lot of people use Valentine's Day to rub people's faces in their idea of happiness. "My man got me this big-ass diamond ring that 300 slave-laborer children died for. Oh, you got some roses?" Bigger boxes of chocolate, bigger bouquets ... it doesn't fucking matter. Be happy someone is thinking of you. Be grateful for what you have. And feel free to show love more than one day out of the year.
Real love doesn't come from a diamond mine or a rose bush. It's not filled with helium, and it's not a stuffed dog with a heart in its mouth. It's inside, it's part of you. Really, the best way to understand love?
Start with yourself.
Show your love with diamonds. Show your love with roses. Show your love with chocolates. Show your love with any shitty pink and red gift you get at the corner convenience store because you don't want to look like a heel by not buying something. Buy, buy, buy. If you don't, you don't love him. If you don't, she'll leave you for the guy with the bigger dick and bigger box of chocolates. True story, yo.
Seriously, I've got a better idea: Show your love every day.
Wow, me, going against the grain? Don't buy into the marketing and the hype? What's next? A job working for the government?
*ahem*
If you do a little research (very little, as I hit up wikipedia for my info), you'll notice some interesting things about Valentine's Day. Such as:
>> On St. Valentine's Day in 1349, roughly 2,000 Jews were burned to death by Christian mobs in Strausbourg. These mobs, led by nobles who owed large sums to Jewish moneylenders (usury being a sin for Christians), blamed the Jews for poisoning the city's wells and causing the bubonic plague.
>> The earliest surviving valentine dates from 1415. It is a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife. At the time, the duke was being held in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt.
>> It is probable that the various legends about St. Valentine were invented during this period. Among these legends:
* On the evening before Valentine was to be martyred for being a Christian, he passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From your Valentine."
* During a ban on marriages of Roman soldiers by the Emperor Claudius II, St. Valentine secretly helped arrange marriages.
>> In 1836, relics of St. Valentine of Rome were donated by Pope Gregory XVI to the Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland. In the 1960s, the church was renovated and relics restored to prominence.
>> In 1969, as part of a larger effort to pare down the number of saint days of purely legendary origin, the Church removed St. Valentine's Day as an official holiday from its calendar. February 14 is now dedicated only to Saint Cyril and Saint Methodius.
I don't think there's anything in the history about what you need to give people. Plus, Valentine isn't even a saint. Who the fuck cares? And find that Cupid bastard. He can shove that bow and arrow some place -- sideways.
Don't accuse me of being bitter or not being in love. On the contrary, I'm extremely happy with my personal life; I love and I'm loved. We're just us. I don't need to buy my man expensive gifts for him to know he's loved because I tell him every day. He doesn't need to buy me things for me to know how he feels. It's a part of our relationship, it's part of us.
I like the idea of romantic love; I much prefer the kind of love I have right now -- thick or thin, good or bad, it's there. I don't love Scott less if he's had a bad day; I probably love him more so he can have more good vibes headed his way. The kind of love that's important to me (and Mel touched on this in her blog) is the love that's with you all the time. It's the little in-jokes, the things that seem silly to other folks but are important to you. It's the text message at lunch asking "How did it go?" It's the text message when you're stuck at work late at night that says "your cat misses you" that makes you smile. It's a visible reminder that you're being thought of.
The girlie part of me dreams up weekend get aways, trips abroad as part of romantic love. Really, place isn't as important as who's there with me. I could be on a budget (as is often the case) and the trip is across town ... as long as we're together, I'm happy.
I think a lot of people use Valentine's Day to rub people's faces in their idea of happiness. "My man got me this big-ass diamond ring that 300 slave-laborer children died for. Oh, you got some roses?" Bigger boxes of chocolate, bigger bouquets ... it doesn't fucking matter. Be happy someone is thinking of you. Be grateful for what you have. And feel free to show love more than one day out of the year.
Real love doesn't come from a diamond mine or a rose bush. It's not filled with helium, and it's not a stuffed dog with a heart in its mouth. It's inside, it's part of you. Really, the best way to understand love?
Start with yourself.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
...
Waiting for the clothes to get done in the dryer. I should've been in bed around 12:30 since I have an errand to run before work. But I stopped for groceries on the way home. At least I'll have food for the next few weeks.
•••
Today is Mom's birthday. I think it's kinda funny my birthday gift from her arrived today. Been sitting here waiting for me all day. There was some Christmas candy, a cute stuffed penguin, a bad-ass shirt I'll probably wear this weekend and a magazine. But it put me in a weird mood.
I'm a big, blubbering idiot.
We have a tradition where Mom has gotten us stuffed animals for the various holidays and our birthdays. I'm not sure what to think when, at 35, I squeeze an item wrapped in tissue paper, realize it's a stuffed animal and get all teary-eyed.
•••
Truth be told, there's some other stuff going on that I'm sorting out. But that's not behind the emotions. At least not these emotions.
I've gotten a greater appreciation for family as I've grown older. Family is more important than work. Health should be more important than work, but at Corporation X, that's just not the case.
None of my immediate family is here. No, as much as I'd like to wish it, Roscoe and Cassie just don't count. Yes, they love me in their own animal ways, but I'm sure if someone else provided food and shelter, they'd be fine.
•••
So what's at the core of my current state of unease? A few things. Money. Housing. Work. Time. Sleep. The usual stuff. The difference this time is that I've given myself a deadline.
•••
If you cannot find
the truth right where
you are, where else do
you expect to find it?
~ Dogen
•••
No, I didn't expect this pass-the-time-away entry to get all deep and shit. But really, all we're ever looking for is truth. And happiness. But does truth = happiness?
In a way, yes. Truth does equal happiness. I'm happy when I'm being true to myself. People are more at ease when they're being truthful. When you aren't being deceived, it's easier to be at ease, which in turn can lead to happiness.
So what about happiness coming from within? What about you choosing your mood and attitude?
These are all overlapping circles. You choose to be happy, and there are various levels of this. There's the happiness you feel on pay day, because you'll have something in your bank account, at least for a few days. There's the happiness you feel when you talk to an old friend for the first time in months. There's the happiness you feel when you look into your mate's eyes and you know there's no greater love, no greater desire than what you feel right then.
Behind all that, there's your truth. You know what you want to accomplish, your hopes, your dreams. If you're deceiving yourself about your own wants and needs, chances are you aren't really happy.
That's the realization. That's when choosing your mood and attitude is critical. Hell, I can't even keep it straight right now.
•••
It's easier to go with the flow, to give in to being disgruntled or to play along as a malcontent. It's amazing how when you choose that mood it spreads, rippling out to those around you.
But the time for truth isn't now, at least to the group. I know where my truth is. I know what I want and how I'm going to get it. I know this mood will pass, and I'll wake up refreshed and ready to get through the week. I've got plenty to look forward to.
It's a matter of taking things one day at a time.
P.S. For the thoroughly confused, no, I'm not changing relationship status or anything like that. I'm being intentionally vague since this is more like thinking out loud...
Today is Mom's birthday. I think it's kinda funny my birthday gift from her arrived today. Been sitting here waiting for me all day. There was some Christmas candy, a cute stuffed penguin, a bad-ass shirt I'll probably wear this weekend and a magazine. But it put me in a weird mood.
I'm a big, blubbering idiot.
We have a tradition where Mom has gotten us stuffed animals for the various holidays and our birthdays. I'm not sure what to think when, at 35, I squeeze an item wrapped in tissue paper, realize it's a stuffed animal and get all teary-eyed.
Truth be told, there's some other stuff going on that I'm sorting out. But that's not behind the emotions. At least not these emotions.
I've gotten a greater appreciation for family as I've grown older. Family is more important than work. Health should be more important than work, but at Corporation X, that's just not the case.
None of my immediate family is here. No, as much as I'd like to wish it, Roscoe and Cassie just don't count. Yes, they love me in their own animal ways, but I'm sure if someone else provided food and shelter, they'd be fine.
So what's at the core of my current state of unease? A few things. Money. Housing. Work. Time. Sleep. The usual stuff. The difference this time is that I've given myself a deadline.
If you cannot find
the truth right where
you are, where else do
you expect to find it?
~ Dogen
No, I didn't expect this pass-the-time-away entry to get all deep and shit. But really, all we're ever looking for is truth. And happiness. But does truth = happiness?
In a way, yes. Truth does equal happiness. I'm happy when I'm being true to myself. People are more at ease when they're being truthful. When you aren't being deceived, it's easier to be at ease, which in turn can lead to happiness.
So what about happiness coming from within? What about you choosing your mood and attitude?
These are all overlapping circles. You choose to be happy, and there are various levels of this. There's the happiness you feel on pay day, because you'll have something in your bank account, at least for a few days. There's the happiness you feel when you talk to an old friend for the first time in months. There's the happiness you feel when you look into your mate's eyes and you know there's no greater love, no greater desire than what you feel right then.
Behind all that, there's your truth. You know what you want to accomplish, your hopes, your dreams. If you're deceiving yourself about your own wants and needs, chances are you aren't really happy.
That's the realization. That's when choosing your mood and attitude is critical. Hell, I can't even keep it straight right now.
It's easier to go with the flow, to give in to being disgruntled or to play along as a malcontent. It's amazing how when you choose that mood it spreads, rippling out to those around you.
But the time for truth isn't now, at least to the group. I know where my truth is. I know what I want and how I'm going to get it. I know this mood will pass, and I'll wake up refreshed and ready to get through the week. I've got plenty to look forward to.
It's a matter of taking things one day at a time.
P.S. For the thoroughly confused, no, I'm not changing relationship status or anything like that. I'm being intentionally vague since this is more like thinking out loud...
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Back it up
As someone who does tech support for a living, you'd think my system would be backed up and well maintained.
It's not.
I've been wanting to get another FireWire hard drive for about a year now. My 160 GB is nearly full -- I've got photos and music backed up there, but that's about it. Well, since I'm not one to save money, I went out and got a 250 GB drive last night. It's partitioned (of course), with one partition for mirroring my Powerbook and the other with OS X -- as another bootable drive.
I've had customers crying about data loss. I've had agents tell me about their customers, who "just wanted to ask one more person" to make sure "it wasn't all gone." Our advice is always to back up anything you want to save.
Things like photos have been getting backed up regularly. iTunes library stuff is archived on a semi-regular basis. Really, I don't want to be like those customers.
I'm pretty sure the Powerbook is in the early stages of main logic board failure, judging by the last few times I've restarted it. I generally don't shut it off; it sleeps happily until I wake it for the few hours of use it gets everyday. Yeah, there were a ton of more fun things I could've spent the money on, but it kept coming back to the hard drive. Stupid, right?
So much of what we hold near and dear is in an impermanent state. Photos are digital. So is music. We leave our memories and moods encoded in 1s and 0s. We don't print out photos and music is a lot easier to mange when it's from the iTunes store.
I have 459,938 files that are being copied from the Powerbook to the external HD. Maybe 5,000 of that is songs. And just under 2,000 of that is photos. The rest? Email, journal entries, things I've made in Photoshop. Files friends and family have sent me. I have never owned 459,938 possessions. I've got a shit-ton of stuff in my room (we won't talk about my storage unit). How much of it would I miss if i lost it? How much would I miss if my computer went down?
It's hard to know unless you lose it. I've been fortunate -- no natural, or unnatural, disasters, no major thefts or repossessions. I've accumulated A LOT of stuff in my 35 years on the planet, and in the 14 years I've been out on my own. I've lost things in moves, thrown things away. Lost things to divorce. For the most part, that stuff isn't preventable.
We like to joke about how much our customers are tied to their computers. But my Powerbook was ordered the day it was announced at Macworld SF in 2003, and I've had it ever since. It's never been sent in for service and generally has traveled with me when I've gone on the road. It's been a good little computer.
But four years is a long time for a computer. Next year, it will be officially obsolete according to Apple. So the time has come for me to consider a new one. And I do have a computer in mind, I just want to see what else Apple is going to come out with in the next few months before I make a purchase.
There are enough people who don't understand the Mac addiction, which is fine. They never will. For me, it's a matter of how easy it is for me to organize and access those 1s and 0s that have become part of who I am. Make it reliable, easy to use and well, pretty, and I'm good to go.
Just don't lose my shit.
It's not.
I've been wanting to get another FireWire hard drive for about a year now. My 160 GB is nearly full -- I've got photos and music backed up there, but that's about it. Well, since I'm not one to save money, I went out and got a 250 GB drive last night. It's partitioned (of course), with one partition for mirroring my Powerbook and the other with OS X -- as another bootable drive.
I've had customers crying about data loss. I've had agents tell me about their customers, who "just wanted to ask one more person" to make sure "it wasn't all gone." Our advice is always to back up anything you want to save.
Things like photos have been getting backed up regularly. iTunes library stuff is archived on a semi-regular basis. Really, I don't want to be like those customers.
I'm pretty sure the Powerbook is in the early stages of main logic board failure, judging by the last few times I've restarted it. I generally don't shut it off; it sleeps happily until I wake it for the few hours of use it gets everyday. Yeah, there were a ton of more fun things I could've spent the money on, but it kept coming back to the hard drive. Stupid, right?
So much of what we hold near and dear is in an impermanent state. Photos are digital. So is music. We leave our memories and moods encoded in 1s and 0s. We don't print out photos and music is a lot easier to mange when it's from the iTunes store.
I have 459,938 files that are being copied from the Powerbook to the external HD. Maybe 5,000 of that is songs. And just under 2,000 of that is photos. The rest? Email, journal entries, things I've made in Photoshop. Files friends and family have sent me. I have never owned 459,938 possessions. I've got a shit-ton of stuff in my room (we won't talk about my storage unit). How much of it would I miss if i lost it? How much would I miss if my computer went down?
It's hard to know unless you lose it. I've been fortunate -- no natural, or unnatural, disasters, no major thefts or repossessions. I've accumulated A LOT of stuff in my 35 years on the planet, and in the 14 years I've been out on my own. I've lost things in moves, thrown things away. Lost things to divorce. For the most part, that stuff isn't preventable.
We like to joke about how much our customers are tied to their computers. But my Powerbook was ordered the day it was announced at Macworld SF in 2003, and I've had it ever since. It's never been sent in for service and generally has traveled with me when I've gone on the road. It's been a good little computer.
But four years is a long time for a computer. Next year, it will be officially obsolete according to Apple. So the time has come for me to consider a new one. And I do have a computer in mind, I just want to see what else Apple is going to come out with in the next few months before I make a purchase.
There are enough people who don't understand the Mac addiction, which is fine. They never will. For me, it's a matter of how easy it is for me to organize and access those 1s and 0s that have become part of who I am. Make it reliable, easy to use and well, pretty, and I'm good to go.
Just don't lose my shit.
Friday, February 9, 2007
Diminishing Returns II: Unleashed
If you can read this, you're on my preferred list. And I trust you.
This is what I didn't put in the public part of the blog.
I'm fucking fed up with busting my ass, having the best fucking team in my part of the project and it not being good enough. I understand how we make money. I understand that when we don't have agents on the phone, we send them home. And if we send agents home, we need to send sup hours too.
Why should I work my ass off to motivate my team if you're going to quibble over a few hours of overtime? Why should I stay with a company that gives FIVE PAID DAYS OFF a year with shitty benefits? Why wouldn't I want to work some place that values its employees and has, say, a benefits package that's worth a shit? Who wouldn't want that?
I'm more resigned than angry at this point. I've got Plan B. I've got a way out. But I'm biding my time. I've got a $300 recruiting bonus coming, and I want that.
Resignation comes from the fact that I've been down this road before. At the paper in Monterey, we were so close to greatness. We had the brass ring and we fucking dropped it. Because of one person, the man in charge. But the scary thing is, he's not the worst boss I've worked for. He talked to me. Granted, we had some confrontations, but you could talk to him; he'd look you in the eye. He wasn't passive aggressive. The Thunder Yeti... she wouldn't look you in the eye all the time. She'd sit there, bouncing her leg when things got uncomfortable and avert your gaze. Very, very passive aggressive. Liked to micromanage via email. Good shit, Maynard. Greatness... not as close as Monterey, but it was within reach.
Now, at Corporation X, we're poised to be the best site in North America. And yet we're on the verge of colossal failure. Most people can see it, but not the guy on top. Things are going to change. It will be slowly, but they'll change.
I want my own place. I want my shit out of storage. I want to be able to have company over, to have friends come and hang out at my place. I'm tired of having my shit crammed into one room, sleeping on a crappy futon. I can't do that with what I make now. I can't get into position to buy a house. I can't attempt to be an adult making $17k a year. Fuck it.
One thing for sure: None of what I want can happen if I stay where I am. So this rat is getting off the fucking ship. Not for a bit. But it's coming.
And it won't be goodbye. You have my word.
This is what I didn't put in the public part of the blog.
I'm fucking fed up with busting my ass, having the best fucking team in my part of the project and it not being good enough. I understand how we make money. I understand that when we don't have agents on the phone, we send them home. And if we send agents home, we need to send sup hours too.
Why should I work my ass off to motivate my team if you're going to quibble over a few hours of overtime? Why should I stay with a company that gives FIVE PAID DAYS OFF a year with shitty benefits? Why wouldn't I want to work some place that values its employees and has, say, a benefits package that's worth a shit? Who wouldn't want that?
I'm more resigned than angry at this point. I've got Plan B. I've got a way out. But I'm biding my time. I've got a $300 recruiting bonus coming, and I want that.
Resignation comes from the fact that I've been down this road before. At the paper in Monterey, we were so close to greatness. We had the brass ring and we fucking dropped it. Because of one person, the man in charge. But the scary thing is, he's not the worst boss I've worked for. He talked to me. Granted, we had some confrontations, but you could talk to him; he'd look you in the eye. He wasn't passive aggressive. The Thunder Yeti... she wouldn't look you in the eye all the time. She'd sit there, bouncing her leg when things got uncomfortable and avert your gaze. Very, very passive aggressive. Liked to micromanage via email. Good shit, Maynard. Greatness... not as close as Monterey, but it was within reach.
Now, at Corporation X, we're poised to be the best site in North America. And yet we're on the verge of colossal failure. Most people can see it, but not the guy on top. Things are going to change. It will be slowly, but they'll change.
I want my own place. I want my shit out of storage. I want to be able to have company over, to have friends come and hang out at my place. I'm tired of having my shit crammed into one room, sleeping on a crappy futon. I can't do that with what I make now. I can't get into position to buy a house. I can't attempt to be an adult making $17k a year. Fuck it.
One thing for sure: None of what I want can happen if I stay where I am. So this rat is getting off the fucking ship. Not for a bit. But it's coming.
And it won't be goodbye. You have my word.
Dminishing returns
You eventually reach a point where you're not getting back what you put in. This is common professionally and personally.
It comes down to the amount of bullshit you want to put up with. When I was at the IPT, I reached a point where the bullshit outweighed the paycheck. But I couldn't scale back my hours; I was "important" and had to be there to get the paper out. I hit the point where my sanity was more important than the paycheck; the Thunder Yeti killed my love of newspapers -- the fat bitch sat on it and obliterated it into sub-atomic particles. And like that, Jen is done with newspapers in Idaho. For good.
At Corporation X, there's a disturbing trend of your best effort not being good enough. But hey, if you don't want me working past 40 hours a week, that won't be a problem.
I guarantee it.
It comes down to the amount of bullshit you want to put up with. When I was at the IPT, I reached a point where the bullshit outweighed the paycheck. But I couldn't scale back my hours; I was "important" and had to be there to get the paper out. I hit the point where my sanity was more important than the paycheck; the Thunder Yeti killed my love of newspapers -- the fat bitch sat on it and obliterated it into sub-atomic particles. And like that, Jen is done with newspapers in Idaho. For good.
At Corporation X, there's a disturbing trend of your best effort not being good enough. But hey, if you don't want me working past 40 hours a week, that won't be a problem.
I guarantee it.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Shotgun approach II
Ready, aim, fire...
After so many weeks of churning and agonizing, I've found equilibrium again. I know Corporation X is part of why I lost balance; this long weekend has been good for me, despite the fact plans fell through (more in a bit).
Time away from the mindless bullshit has been good for me. I feel refreshed as my third day off draws to a close. It's good to get away from the hoop jumping, the spreadsheets, the babysitting and the bullshit. I needed time for me, and that's what the birthday week needs to become -- it's about me, not drinking or partying, but for me to spend time doing what I enjoy. In this case, it was a good amount of time with Scott and the kids. We weren't able to secure childcare this weekend, so our getaway is postponed for two weeks. All in all, a good weekend.
•••
I'm feeling creative for the first time in forever. I've got Photoshop open and I'm making a sig for the discussion boards for my war game.
I used to do things in Photoshop all the time. Every day. For several hours. I guess it was easier when I needed to use it because of work, but I haven't pushed myself to be creative.
We're done with being uncreative. I've got shit to accomplish.
•••
iTunes has brought up "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion. For some reason, the chorus is resonating with me tonight.
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
This doesn't apply to my relationship in any way whatsoever. I think it's talking about all the shit I let get me down... the shit that, for whatever reason, isn't bringing me down any more.
•••
I wish I knew what switch flipped and prompted the change. I know better than to question it, but still. I feel empowered for the first time in a long, long time. The clarity is refreshing. Maybe it comes from holding your loved one, looking into their eyes and drinking them in, knowing they're feeling what you're feeling. Maybe it's feeling your skin flush, that familiar tidal wave of warmth filling your body as you realize there is no single person in the universe you care about more than the one who's holding you right now.
It's not labeling things; it's taking each moment as it comes. It's realizing that we're us, nothing more, nothing less. It's being in love and being loved.
•••
Maybe this is my delayed reaction to turning 35. Maybe it's my subconscious coming to the forefront, reminding me of the things I hold dear, the things that make me happy. I know that happiness comes from within, but I'm that much happier when I'm with Scott. I'm happy in front of the Powerbook, writing a blog few will read, working in Photoshop and listening to iTunes.
Or maybe it's the realization that there are bigger, better things on the horizon. It's knowing that my time is now, that the Universe is aligning in just the right way. if I don't seize the moment, it'll be lost.
Carpe diem, bitches. Watch the fuck out.
•••
iTunes is at it again.
Depeche Mode
Enjoy the Silence (Reinterpreted)
Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Enjoy the silence
"All I ever wanted/All I ever needed/Is here in my arms" That part of the song always grabs me. I can't top that.
Off to play in Photoshop.
After so many weeks of churning and agonizing, I've found equilibrium again. I know Corporation X is part of why I lost balance; this long weekend has been good for me, despite the fact plans fell through (more in a bit).
Time away from the mindless bullshit has been good for me. I feel refreshed as my third day off draws to a close. It's good to get away from the hoop jumping, the spreadsheets, the babysitting and the bullshit. I needed time for me, and that's what the birthday week needs to become -- it's about me, not drinking or partying, but for me to spend time doing what I enjoy. In this case, it was a good amount of time with Scott and the kids. We weren't able to secure childcare this weekend, so our getaway is postponed for two weeks. All in all, a good weekend.
I'm feeling creative for the first time in forever. I've got Photoshop open and I'm making a sig for the discussion boards for my war game.
I used to do things in Photoshop all the time. Every day. For several hours. I guess it was easier when I needed to use it because of work, but I haven't pushed myself to be creative.
We're done with being uncreative. I've got shit to accomplish.
iTunes has brought up "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion. For some reason, the chorus is resonating with me tonight.
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
This doesn't apply to my relationship in any way whatsoever. I think it's talking about all the shit I let get me down... the shit that, for whatever reason, isn't bringing me down any more.
I wish I knew what switch flipped and prompted the change. I know better than to question it, but still. I feel empowered for the first time in a long, long time. The clarity is refreshing. Maybe it comes from holding your loved one, looking into their eyes and drinking them in, knowing they're feeling what you're feeling. Maybe it's feeling your skin flush, that familiar tidal wave of warmth filling your body as you realize there is no single person in the universe you care about more than the one who's holding you right now.
It's not labeling things; it's taking each moment as it comes. It's realizing that we're us, nothing more, nothing less. It's being in love and being loved.
Maybe this is my delayed reaction to turning 35. Maybe it's my subconscious coming to the forefront, reminding me of the things I hold dear, the things that make me happy. I know that happiness comes from within, but I'm that much happier when I'm with Scott. I'm happy in front of the Powerbook, writing a blog few will read, working in Photoshop and listening to iTunes.
Or maybe it's the realization that there are bigger, better things on the horizon. It's knowing that my time is now, that the Universe is aligning in just the right way. if I don't seize the moment, it'll be lost.
Carpe diem, bitches. Watch the fuck out.
iTunes is at it again.
Depeche Mode
Enjoy the Silence (Reinterpreted)
Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Enjoy the silence
"All I ever wanted/All I ever needed/Is here in my arms" That part of the song always grabs me. I can't top that.
Off to play in Photoshop.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Coming to an iPod near you
This is why Microsoft sucks.
This video may be new to you. It's old hat for me. This was when MS CEO Steve Ballmer went nuts at an employee function. The song is by Digital Droo and the video was done by a dude on the MacAddict forums back in the day.
Here's the original video:
This is why Microsoft will always suck. This is why Vista is a pile of dog shit that can't compare to the OS X Apple came out with 5 years ago. This is why Microsoft can eat a bowl of rancid dicks.
Over and out.
P.S. Dance Monkeyboy will be available on my iPod beginning tomorrow.
This video may be new to you. It's old hat for me. This was when MS CEO Steve Ballmer went nuts at an employee function. The song is by Digital Droo and the video was done by a dude on the MacAddict forums back in the day.
Here's the original video:
This is why Microsoft will always suck. This is why Vista is a pile of dog shit that can't compare to the OS X Apple came out with 5 years ago. This is why Microsoft can eat a bowl of rancid dicks.
Over and out.
P.S. Dance Monkeyboy will be available on my iPod beginning tomorrow.
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