Slacking my way into 07

I was supposed to write a blog about a week and a half ago and couldn't manage the energy. How pathetic is that? The writer, the person who can type 90 wpm, the one who has a smart-ass comment for everything. Blank.

I know what my problem was. FFXI is the short answer; the real answer runs much deeper and is something I'd prefer not to analyze. Tonight, the PS2 stays off until I get this done.

I don't like my lack of accomplishment in 2006; it feels like a continuation of 2005 with less angst. I'm waiting for my moment, but I'm not sure what it is.

Going back to school?
Getting my own place?
Buying a new computer?
Taking more pictures?
Writing more?
Getting in shape?
Walking the dog?
Giving Corporation X the finger?

Any of those and all of those.

But let's go back to that lack of accomplishment before focusing on the stuff I want to do. I'm not letting myself off that easy.

There was all kinds of rah-rah bullshit about sticking it to the man and being my own person and doing things my way. That lasts for about a week, until the sucking reality of Corp X raises its slimy head and drags me back to reality. All the talk of being there for people, sticking up for them? It's replaced by the desire to save one's own ass and keep all the ducks in a row. Yeah, that really hurts the man where it counts. /rolleyes

For me, it comes back to balance. And once again, despite my constant reminders, I've misplace equilibrium yet again. I'm the only one who can find it. I just need to pull my head out long enough to do it.

As a whole, 2006 wasn't terrible; it's no 2004. I've met some really cool people, some of whom I'll keep in contact with after I leave Corp X. Professionally, the year was ... meh. I got promoted, but really, I've gotten promoted at every job I've held. I think I'm in the better-than-average category, but I know there are agents who disagree. I'm not there to make friends or please everyone; we have jobs to do. Have a good time, but prove you can do the work.

On the personal side, things are pretty damn good -- for the most part. I've got friends I need to talk to more, or spend more time with, but that happens all the time. Ah, but we'll always have myspace, right? Yeah. >_>

I got to go to the coast with Scott. We've been able to do some pretty cool stuff with the guys. And really, this was the best Christmas and New Year's I can remember (yay! Ken and Suzette's killer party!) I'd like 2007 to bring more of the same, and more. Now if I could just figure out the whole job thing, and what I want to be when I grow up. If 35 isn't well on the way to grown up, then what the hell is? Yeah, 35 and working at a call center. That's where I wanted to be.

Corp X has extremely high entertainment value; that and the fact I get to work with products I love keeps me there. That should be enough, but it's not for me. It will sound incredibly egotistical, but I should be doing better. I should be getting paid to write, or design pages or brochures. I should be paid to tap into the creativity I rediscovered in 2004, to push the boundaries at a mediocre paper and give them a glimpse of what's possible. I know what I want to do. I'm too chicken shit to do it. I don't have the money to do it.

I'm not making any resolutions; I never have. I'm trying to make small changes that will benefit me in the long run. I've dialed back my caffeine intake (tea, anyone?). I've stopped drinking soda and energy drinks, though I'll have one if I'm eating a slice at FP. I'm trying to cut back on processed sugar, but that's a losing battle. Caffeine and soda are huge for me, and it seemed like I was losing weight.

I want to use my camera more; I've got a photo buddy (hi Sue!) to help push me creatively, I just need to make the time. I want to write more, even if it's stupid, boring rambling shit like this. I'm actually good at making the rambling shit not so boring, which is why I have folks who read this damned thing.

I want to use my web space and play around with iLife more.

You know, scratch all that stuff about "want." This is stuff I need to do for me. I need to take more pictures. I need to write more. I need to use my web space. I need to get my armies painted. I need to play my guitar. I need to walk my dog and take him places.

I need to find balance. I need to be true to myself. I need to remember that out of a list of 166 people, there's only a handful of folks who will push me to get my shit together. And that's OK. They're the same ones who have always been there, good and bad.

Here's to the folks who have my back, and here's to a better year.

And, to DJ: Not quite the blog I wanted to write, but here it is. And you know which group you fall into.