Song, other stuff

Found yet another song. Guess who it's from...

In the on-going quest to find balance in my life (which is probably going to result in another tattoo, more in a bit), I find myself listening to the latest offering from Nine Inch Nails a lot. I've been listening to the CD since I got it Tuesday, and I'm not tired of it. Well, technically, I've been listening to it since Saturday when I snagged a bootleg copy. But it's definitely one of those things where the more I listen to it, the more I'm discovering. It's a really solid CD. And it's quite convenient that it fits where I am in my life, at least from a work standpoint.

I'm really trying to take the approach of "things are the way they are" when it comes to the job. There are certain things I can control, but there is no point in wasting the energy or getting stressed out again. Scott said it's a very Zen approach, which is I guess what I'm aiming for. That's not to say there haven't been annoying moments. There's no shortage of those, ever. But for once, I'm not letting myself get caught up in a lot of that. Maybe I'm growing up? Hah. Right. Tell me another one. It's certainly possible to grow without growing up; I know that much.

I needed the time away to recharge and find my bearings. I needed to spend time with the people who matter in my life. I needed time to breathe and I got all of that. I may need the paycheck to survive, but it's the friends, family and loved ones that keep me sane. I've always known that, but I haven't always appreciated it. I appreciate it more than ever and having an incredibly wonderful man in my life makes it easy to remember that. I've also got fantastic friends, new and old, who are willing to put up with my ramblings about how in love I am, or my rantings about work.

Oh, the song... here be lyrics:

Right Where It Belongs
Nine Inch Nails

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all...right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you really oughta know
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods,
Are you hiding in the trees?

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?

There's a lot of stuff to get through in this song. I'm not even sure where to begin with it. I just know it was stuck in my head when I was at the grocery store tonight and I listened to it all the way home (OK, I am a bit obsessive about this CD).

For starters, "And if you look at your reflection/Is it all you want it to be?" — that's what grabbed me. The whole chorus, really, stuck with me. If I answer the question, no, it's not what I want it to be, at least at work. The personal life, I know there can be more, but I really don't have a lot to complain about. We have something some people never find. I sure as hell didn't have it when I was married.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for now. I actually have other stuff I'd like to try and do before I get to sleep. Many web sites to visit and whatnot.

[Edit]
Forgot that I mentioned something up there about a tattoo. This is what I want:

With any luck, it will be that size, maybe a little bigger. I'm thinking left shoulder, just a nice solid black outline. My body seems to handle black ink pretty well. Assuming I get out of bed in time, I'll be heading to the tattoo shop before work and (hopefully) setting an appointment for Monday.

Balance

Or, haven't we been down this road before?

I don't consider myself an overly emotional person. Cynical, bitter, angry, passionate (or dispassionate, depending on the situation) or any number of other adjectives, sure. I do what I can to keep my emotions in check. I prefer to be in control of them, and not the other way around. Recently, I've allowed stuff to surface that in the past would have stayed buried. I've been told it's a strength, not a weakness. I agree with this assessment/observation. It's just a bit of a change for me to let this stuff make an appearance in front of the person who is the source of it.

One of the last entries was about there not being enough time with my guy. This is the case once again. Spent a lot of time together Friday, spent all of Saturday and today together, and it was absolutely wonderful. I know there will be more days like these. But that doesn't make goodbyes any less ... depressing? Gut-wrenching? I don't really know the right word for this. I know there's a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat when it happens these days. And I know we'll see each other again, probably tomorrow some time. And to someone who's never felt this type of connection with another person, well, they clearly won't get it. I didn't get "it" until I realized I was in love with Scott and realized he felt the same way about me.

And before you go jumping to conclusions — knowing full well that my mind is in the gutter 95 percent of the time — this is about companionship, not sex. There are enough personal things I make public here; private life can stay private. I will say I've never been with anyone who makes me feel this way. It's amazing and wonderful and scary at the same time. Scary because I've never shared this much of myself with anyone before. I was still guarded with my emotions when I was married. Oddly, it took getting divorced for me to open up. I'm not even sure how much more to say about this, or where I'm headed with it.

I guess that even though there is a bit of sadness and longing going on right now, this weekend did help me find equilibrium. I know what's important in my life, I know where/how things rank. The past three days reminded me what I need to focus on when I start to get dragged down into the abyss. But despite all that, goodbyes still suck.