Letting go

I'm pretty tired of the baggage I've been dragging around. I'm on the verge of something very wonderful (not to say things haven't been wonderful already) and in order for me to devote the proper attention to that, it's time to let go.

I've got a very wonderful man in my life and it's not fair to him for the ex to still affect me. I'm tired of thinking about the ex and I think I'm to the point where I can — and will — move on. That's not to say I haven't moved on; it's just time to get rid of the residuals and let it die. He's made no effort to be friendly, so I'm not losing out on anything.

So:

- no mentioning the ex unless I'm asked about it
- don't care about what he's doing
- remember he doesn't matter
- he's not a friend any more
- what he does has no bearing on my life
- let it go
- keep moving forward
- remember that I'm definitely better off

This probably won't happen as fast as I'd like it to, but like I said, the time has come. The more I'm able to do these things, the better it will be for all of us. And this isn't about denial or burying what I'm feeling. I've got a second chance here, I've got a guy who is so fabulous and wonderful that thinking about how much I care about him gets me emotional every time. I would do anything for him; there are no conditions, no measuring stick for how much either of us has to give. It just is. We're just us. And it's good.

Very good...

Posted: Mon - March 21, 2005 at 03:45 AM

Yeah, it's that time of night ...

Truthfully, I've been in one of those restless, introspective moods all night.

And that might be why I've pretty well sucked at every single video game I've tried to play tonight. Tony Hawk Underground 2. Gran Turismo 4. Ratchet and Clank 3. World of Warcraft. Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories. And now Puyo Pop Fever on the ol' GC. Guess it's tough to focus on something as meaningless as video games with some of the stuff racing through my little brain.

It's March now. Which means it will be June very soon. June will be one year. August has a milestone. So does September. It's safe to say September outweighs June and August at this point because it was the beginning of … well, where I am now.

I don't know what took me back to that night last June. I'm happier than I've ever been, more in love than ever and more certain about what I want out of life and who I want to share it with. I haven't had a reason to look back, so this is a bit odd. Perspective is a good thing; there's no doubt about that. And I've got some pretty big decisions coming up here in the next few months. Nothing bad, really. Just sorta serious and grown up is all. Safe to say all of these things I've been thinking about are life-changing events and if I line them up and look at them that way, it's easy to see why I could be feeling a little overwhelmed. But I'm not sure if that's what this is all about.

I know it's good for me to let go of the anger I felt over the summer. But instead of letting go, I think I've just let the good feelings bury it; it's always there in the background. So maybe I'm at the point where I need to accept it will be there, or let it go completely. I'm not sure I can do either. I am still angry. But I am happier than I've ever been. I don't know that I'd change anything, except maybe to get rid of the feeling that I could change his mind right after he told me. I don't ever want to feel that hopeless and adrift. Certainly wasn't worth entertaining thoughts of hurting myself — especially now that I know what I have to ahead of me.

I want to buy a house. I want a job that can help support us, and I want that job to be enjoyable and rewarding. I want to fall asleep and wake up with Scott next to me for as long as he'll have me. These are relatively simple things that will be coming together soon (I hope, I hope), and by soon, I mean in the next year or two. I guess the restlessness is because I can see the goal; what I want is within reach. I just have to figure out how to make it happen. Or see how events unfold and how this is all supposed to fit together.

So there. I've said it. Almost everything. If you know me, it should be pretty easy to figure out what I'm holding back. I'm not afraid of failing. It's still a timing thing. Confused? The playlist should drop some huge hints.

Posted: Sun - March 20, 2005 at 03:14 AM

sk8!

Yeah, I've got $$$ burning a hole in my pocket. Not *that* much, but enough for me to pick up a board at Newt & Harold's yesterday. Haven't had time to go out and skate yet. Trying to keep things pretty basic in case I end up hating it, or sucking (second part is more likely). I went with a 7.75 blank, Independent trucks (of course) and 54 wheels. We'll see how I do.

Finally have a weekend, which is nice. Today was pretty kick back. Tomorrow, aside from going into the office for a few hours, should be pretty nice. Fix8 is playing at the Bouquet, so if you're in Boise, go check them out. And if you're not, check out their tunes here at myspace. But yeah. I'll be doing that tomorrow night.

Heh

Hmmmm... getting sucked into buying more toys again. Another card game sorta deal, a book on painting miniatures. Did I mention I'm a huge geek? Oh, and I'm very close to getting my new digital camera (come on tax $$$)! So, yeah, that's all pretty cool.

I guess the interesting thing is that I've decided to (finally) learn how to skate. Yes, another way for my old ass to get injured (maybe) but hey, why not? I don't really feel like doing the inline skating thing a whole lot, despite having a really great pair of skates. I guess I like the idea of keeping a skateboard in the car. Or something.

Anyway, it's almost time for my weekend. YAY.

Spring

Shorts weather, eight days into March. Makes it tough to want to go to work, and to get out of bed, though I think activities over the weekend have more to do with that than anything else. But yeah. Work. I should go get ready to do that. And find some food. Because food is good. And lack of food is making me ramble.

Anyway, for the sake of updating one of the blogs in my herd, here's an entry. Yay.

Song ~ 03.06.05

The new Jack Johnson CD kicks major amounts of butt.

Been listening to this song for a few days now. And especially after today, I have to say this is my song of the moment. Yet another case of these songwriter types saying it better than I ever could.

So yeah. It's like this.

Better Together
There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing but I can try for your heart
And our dreams and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together

It’s always better when we’re together
We’ll look at the stars when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together

And all of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they’ll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they’ll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I’d be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be we’ll sit beneath the mango tree now

It’s always better when we’re together
We’re somewhere in between together
Well it’s always better when we’re together
It’s always better when we’re together

I believe in memories they look so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We’re better together

Yeah ...

As if I don't have enough of these things scattered around the internet, here's *another* spot for me to bore people with. Oh well. We'll see how much I actually end up posting here.

So yeah. Hi. And stuff.