Song ~ 04.25.05

Oldie but a goodie (still relatively new for me, however)…

Yet another song that makes me want to learn how to play guitar. And oddly enough, it actually fits my mood right now. Scott's played the guitar riff before and he played the CD in the car this afternoon. Just bought it on iTunes (got another free song!)

Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

So I've completed Day 6 of a 10-day week. I'm tired, I'm annoyed, I'm frustrated, I'm hormonal and I'm missing Scott. Yes, we did just spend a lot of time together. But right now, there is nothing more important in my life than him and the boys. And I don't care what anyone thinks; priorities change. Balance is very important in my life. And for a long time, I was more career-driven. And I wasn't really that happy. Now I'm happier than ever and the reasons are all related to my personal life and where my priorities are.

But yeah. As for that whole missing my guy thing... I won't go into too much detail, but I think I've said before that he makes my heart glad. I know I'm the one responsible for my happiness. But there's something that happens when you commit yourself to someone, or something, mind, body and soul. And while that connection is constant, distance be damned, there is something awfully comforting about having that person there when you fall asleep and when you wake up.

Song ~ 04.19.05

Thanks, iTunes!

Found this remix of Mr. Brightside by The Killers and it is good. Officially, it's "Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix). Whatever that means.

Lyrics:

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now
Let me go
Cause i just can't look it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside

(repeat)

I never
I never
I never
I never

Us

Some days, there just isn't enough time...

You can spend the whole week racing to get to a weekend. And then the weekend arrives and you have a great couple of days — really, really great days — and it's just not enough time. And that sucks. At the risk of sounding girlie and co-dependent, it feels like there's never enough time when it comes to my guy. And it doesn't matter what we do. We can run around, chill here, go to lunch or do all of the above, and when it's time for him to go ... it plain sucks. And it's not because I'm feeling needy or I'm afraid I won't see him again. It will sound trite and corny, but life really is better when he's around. Everything is right with my little world. He makes my heart glad.

I'd like to get to the point where we don't have to say goodbye at the end of the night. Yeah, that cohabitation thang. Need to work on getting some money and/or winning the lottery. But yeah. Things are fantabulous because we're us. And that's pretty freakin cool.

Song ~ 4.13.05

And it's not off "The Downward Spiral."

I liked the feel of this song before I looked up the lyrics. And finding the lyrics made me like it even more.

We're in this Together
Nine Inch Nails
I've become impossible
Holding on to when
When everything seemed to matter more
The two of us
All used and beaten up
Watching fate as it flows down the path we
Have chose

You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you

Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well they've got to kill what we found
Well they've got to hate what they fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear

The further I fall I'm beside you
As lost as I get I will find you
The deeper the wound I'm inside you
For ever and ever I am a part of

You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you

All that we were is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone, but we have to hold on
When all our hope is gone we have to hold on
All that we were is gone but we can hold on

You and me
We're in this together now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
Even after everything
You're the queen and I'm the king
Nothing else means anything

You know...

Yeah, arguing with myself again. But that's not such a bad thing.

Was sitting here playing World of Warcraft (I'm sorry, I meant to say my character was getting eaten by bears... again) and I thought about how I don't deserve to be with someone as good as Scott. Then I stopped myself and realized that I *do* deserve to be with someone who cares about me, who loves me and makes me incredibly happy. And as I'm having that thought, iTunes made an interesting selection.

Since I couldn't decide what I was in the mood for, I picked the "My Top Rated" playlist. "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel came on. And unlike in the past, I let it play through for the first time since June or July. And unlike 10 months ago, the song didn't affect me the same way. It shouldn't. What is there to grieve? The marriage is dead and buried. The divorce decree, much like the marriage certificate, is a piece of paper. Those things have whatever meaning I choose to give them. I choose to put meaning in my relationship with Scott, and a future with him. No need to waste energy on something that's over and done with.

I think the song fit right after everything happened. I wanted to be depressed, wanted to be uncomfortable, wanted to hurt myself (thankfully, that feeling was short-lived). That was the time to grieve. But there's a line near the end of the song: "Did I dream this belief? Or did I believe this dream? Now I will find relief...." As I was putting things behind me, those lines stuck with me, but it was too soon for me to understand why. Deep down I think I knew, but I didn't want to admit I had settled. Trying to figure out how to explain this in a way that will make sense to whoever still reads this thing.

The marriage was like going to the prom: It was something I did that was pretty fun, but it's in the past and all I have to show for it are some pictures and a dress. This is one of those moment-of-clarity deals that doesn't usually happen while I'm gaming. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it makes. I think age and experience play a huge role in my understanding of what I want in a relationship. I don't have to settle, I will not settle. There's no need to label things — what good does it do to say that Scott is my best friend or my soul mate? I know in my heart what he means to me, just like he knows what I mean to him. We don't put things into compartments for the convenience of others. Yes, for clarity's sake, the terms "boyfriend," "girlfriend" and "significant other" have been used. But we're just us. And that is good. I can say that I love him more than anyone, that he makes me happier than I've ever been, but the fact is, what I feel can't be quantified. I don't know the words to describe what I feel. I do the best I can because I want him to know. But again, for clarity's sake, what I feel is what should have been there during my marriage. Yeah, maybe it was there at the beginning, but it didn't grow stronger the longer we were together. It peaked and flattened and slid downhill. That's oversimplified.

I've said before that we connect on so many different levels. And there are some things you just know. But even when you know, it's still nice to get a reminder. And the reminder I got tonight ... I don't want to call it typical because that makes it sound insincere, and it wasn't. It was quite heartfelt. I will say it was vintage Scott and that it was greatly appreciated and I'm still trying to find the words to convey how that makes me feel. No words needed, he said. Heh. As if that's going to stop me from trying to find them. And if that doesn't work, well, I guess I've got plenty of time to show him...

Angst

Nope, it's not just for teens …

Yup. Still dealing with some baggage, apparently. I'd say about 80 percent of it is stuff I generate — putting expectations on situations and then getting disappointed when things don't happen as discussed. Yeah, shit happens, and I understand that, but don't try and tell me that when I'm "in the moment" and freaking out because I'm being insecure.

The good thing is, it's been addressed and things are fine.

And once again: I was married?

Song ~ 4.10.05

Figure it out.

No, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Just suits my mood right now.

Hurt
Nine Inch Nails

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Another discovery

Found this the other day

The iTunes music store has introduced me to a ton of stuff I don't think I would've listened to otherwise. One of the cool things is that they do celebrity playlists. Some of them are pretty lame, but every so often, there's one that catches my attention. I'm more interested in what has influenced musicians/bands I like. This week, they (finally) had a playlist from Mike Ness. He had The Clash, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, The Ramones and etc. on his playlist. But it was a song by Billy Bragg and Wilco that caught my attention; I played the sample and immediately wanted to know how the rest of the song went, so I bought it. It kicks ass, and I'm probably going to seek out the CD. Turns out the lyrics are by Woody Guthrie and were never recorded, and Mermaid Avenue was the result (came out in '98).

Anyway, when I listened to this song, I immediately thought of a certain musician in my life. It's the kind of song I think would sound really good if he sang it, and I know he could play the guitar part. Here are lyrics. Sorry, no mp3 this time...

Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key
Billy Bragg and Wilco
Lyrics: Woody Guthrie
I lived in a place called Okfuskee
and I had a little girl in a holler tree
I said, little girl, it's plain to see,
ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me

She said it's hard for me to see
how one little boy got so ugly
Yes, my little girly, that might be,
But there ain't nobody that can sing like me
Ain't nobody that can sing like me

[chorus:]
Way over yonder in the minor key
Way over yonder in the minor key
there ain't nobody that can sing like me

We walked down by the Buckeye Creek
to see he frog eat the goggle eye bee
To hear that west wind whistle to the east,
there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me

Oh my little girly will you let me see,
where over yonder where the wind blows free
Nobody can see in our holler tree
and there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me

[chorus]

Her mama cut a switch from a cherry tree
and laid it on to she and me
It stung lots worse than a hive of bees
but there ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me

Now I have walked a long long ways
and I still look back to my tanglewood days,
I've led lots of girlies since then to stray
saying, ain't nobody that can sing like me
ain't nobody that can sing like me

[chorus x 2]

ain't nobody that can sing like me

Song of the moment

Yup, this is dark. But it sounds pretty damned fantastic.

Nine Inch Nail's "The Downward Spiral" has rocketed into my top 10 all-time favorite albums. I'm still not exactly sure what the other nine are, but when I figure it out, I'll list them in this space.

Anyway, recent events in the world make this song really relevant for me. I'm in another one of my "play loud or go home" moods. Last time, it was more punk. This time, there's a very heavy industrial slant. Some pretty heavy stuff. But it makes for a slightly better commute, and the killing of all things in World of Warcraft is greatly enhanced with NIN and Ministry. Here be lyrics and the song.

Heresy
Nine Inch Nails
he sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see
he tries to tell me what I put inside of me
he's got the answers to ease my curiosity
he dreamed up a god and called it Christianity
your god is dead and no one cares
if there is a hell I will see you there
he flexed his muscles to keep his flock of sheep in line
he made a virus that would kill off all the swine
his perfect kingdom of killing, suffering and pain
demands devotion atrocities done in his name
your god is dead and no one cares
drowning in his own hypocrisy
and if there is a hell I will see you there
burning with your god in humility
will you die for this

[song removed for space concerns]

Catching up...

Been awhile since I've posted anything anywhere, so might as well do it here.

Work's been busy, but that'll happen. It just means I haven't been able to put my new toy through its paces — bought myself a Nikon D70 with my tax check and have been dying to run around town and take pics. But, my days have been busy... the beginning of the week was pretty nice since I got to spend time with Scott (yay!) and the past two days have been nuts at work because of the pope. Tomorrow (hell, today, really) is my Friday, and I can't wait to have a weekend.

Oh, and I have a not-so-secret admirer at work. He really wants to get a clue here because:

- not my type
- I'd never be that desperate
- I don't think he's even my species
- work relati.. BAD
- did I mention he's not my type?
- hell no... no, no, no
- I'm very, very happily in love

What else... Don't have a fish, as he took the great swim last week. Got another fish and he took the swim as well. I think the chemistry in my tank is screwed. Anyway, alarm is set for 10:30 for some crazy reason so I better hit the rack.