Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.
I've put this off for about two weeks now, but I have fucking had it.
I go to work to ... work. Yes, work, of all things. I have a job to do, I think I do it reasonably well. So when I go to the office, and I work in an office, I am there to work. My job is to be there for my agents and input numbers into spreadsheets for Corp X.
That being said...
There is a reasonable expectation that a work environment will be maintained. Note I didn't say "professional." We're there to work. We have fun, sure, but when it's time to get down to business, we kick ass and take names.
In my world, a work environment DOES NOT INCLUDE CHRISTMAS MUSIC BEING PLAYED OVER THE SPEAKERS.
We've brought it to management. We've got religious objections from both sides (I'm an agnostic who doesn't give two shits; I've got co-workers who say Santa and Frosty aren't part of their holiday). We've got objections all around. And yet...
I've heard at least 10 different versions of "Jingle Bells."
I don't give a fuck if it's a white Christmas.
I don't give a fuck what color Rudolph's nose is or about little drummer boys. The only thing I want roasting on an open fire are the goddamn songs and the Barney Fife fucker who insists we listen to it to "lighten the mood" at the call center.
Give me a fucking break. You want to lighten the mood? Let's start with holiday bonuses and better pay for all parties involved. Mariah Carey sounding like a wounded wildebeast while she sings about being home for the holidays puts most of us in a homicidal rage, not a "light mood" -- unless you consider the fact we'd rather kill with our bare hands instead of with chainsaws and machetes.
But I digress.
If I want to listen to shitty holiday music at work, I'd go back to making $6 an hour and I'd be working at the mall. But gee, that sucked ass and I don't feel the need to work retail ever again.
Am I a "grinch"? To some people, sure. But I believe in giving all year, not just one month of the year. Caring and compassion are a daily part of my life. I believe in being educated instead of following doctrine and dogma; yes, do some research into the origins of Christmas. There's a reason why trees are symbolic and it has nothing to do with wise men or donkeys or babies in mangers. Really.
I don't believe in the commercialism and how people have become brain-washed to believe the bigger and more expensive the present, the more you love someone. How about having love in your life everyday, and telling people you love them? That's going to mean more than anything you can buy in a store. Spending time with family is another constant, assuming you've got family nearby. And family doesn't have to mean blood relatives.
I've got more to say about all of this, but I'm not sure if I want to get into it. I know I don't tonight -- I've got egg nog to drink, a tree to trim and Christmas music to listen to.
Now excuse me while I go kill the shit out of some stuff on the PS2.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
The point?
So I should be in bed right now. Or gaming. And I'm doing neither.
I've been wanting to write for about a week now, but have lost whatever passes for inspiration in my world. I never had a muse, so she hasn't left me. Everything has been so ... blah lately.
I can safely blame Corporation X for a good part of it, me for the rest of it. I was so fired up an entry or two ago about playing my game by my rules ... where the fuck did that go? But you reach a point where you get tired of fighting because it's easier to let things take their course. You compromise your principles to take the path of least resistance or, for fuck's sake, office politics. You know the right thing to do, but you don't do the right thing because you don't want to be called into the office or leave in a bad mood. Yet, these things happen anyway.
I've been here before. I'm not as low as I've been; I fucking refuse to let that happen. But the more time passes, I'm questioning myself and what the point is.
Part of it is knowing I'll be 35 next month. I did OK with 30 (aside from the puking, thanks for asking) but I'm hung up with 35 for some reason. Is it because I remember my mom when she was 35? Or because I remember the ex at 35, and how little he felt he had accomplished in life? Mom was pretty cool at 35 for a mom. The ex... 5 years ago, we had been married a year and life was good.
I had hoped to be somewhere else by now. My plan was to work at The Statesman for about 5 years and get back to a big paper. To get out of Idaho. Now, I don't have a reason to leave. My tribe is here and things aren't so bad when you're not lonely. I've got three of the best reasons to stay here, and sadly, none of those reasons are related to the current job. Related to a former job, but I won't bore you with details since you've all heard about how wonderful my man is.
Plans go awry, and I like to think I'm pretty adaptable. That doesn't mean I don't step back and question my life and what the fuck I'm here to do.
It still goes back to self-loathing, in the end. I've become what I despise and I don't know how to break out of it. I spend so much time doing what "they" say I need to do, and it's all I can do to keep up. Do more with less. Babysit, coach, be a shoulder to cry on, laugh, play, discipline, teach ... all of that for a little bit more than what I made chopping veggies and slinging sauce at FP. That was instant gratification. You knew when the customers were happy. When the crew had everything they needed before they needed it, you knew you did your job.
Honestly, I think I'm looking for something I will not find doing what I'm doing. I know this. But I still go because I care. I care when I don't care. What the fuck kind of curse is that? I want to save the good people and give the bad ones a chance, or at least enough rope for them to hang themselves with. I know that if people put forth the effort, they can do the work. But believing in people isn't enough. Wanting to do the right thing isn't enough. Doing what's required of you isn't enough. Yeah, it's old and tiring and fucking frustrating.
At the end of the day, I'm a cog in the machine, the number that Corp X needs to punch in more numbers and track the new numbers after the old numbers were sorted and dispersed into new groups of numbers. I don't feel like a number, not like I did a few months ago. I know my identity and I know my function, and that's what displeases me. I know what we're capable of, and like so many other jobs, I know we're on the cusp of great things. In Monterey, it was Pete. At the Statesman, where to point the finger? PD and Carolyn, for starters. The IPT, Ursula the Sea Witch herself. And now ... ?
There is always something that drives the good people away. In Monterey, I opened the door that four or five of my friends walked through. Boise showed 13 of us the door. JB got bounced, 2 fotogs left, Dusty left, I left and the march continued. And now ... ?
OK, for the drama-prone among you: I am not quitting my job. Not right now. I knew going in this wasn't a career for me. It's a paycheck working with products I love. It was easy money. I need to find the enthusiasm again. I need to be entertained. Then maybe I won't notice the layers of bullshit so much.
And for the emo-prone among you: I picked this song out of my NIN playlist.
Something I Can Never Have
i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.
[Chorus:]
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.
you always were the one to show me how.
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this thing is slowly taking me apart.
grey would be the color, if i had a heart.
come on and tell me.
[Chorus]
in this place it seems like such a shame.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same.
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.
come on and tell me.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make it all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.
i just want something i can never have.
And oddly enough, iTunes followed with this song, which was my anthem during the waning months at the IPT:
Every Day Is Exactly The Same
I believe I can see the future
Because I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no.
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yeah, I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end.
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(spoken)
I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well, I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know,
What else I can do..
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(chorus repeats)
Every day is the same!
Yeah. iTunes knows its shit. Needless to say, the absence of NIN on the iPod has been rectified.
Don't mind me. I'll get over it. Or something.
I've been wanting to write for about a week now, but have lost whatever passes for inspiration in my world. I never had a muse, so she hasn't left me. Everything has been so ... blah lately.
I can safely blame Corporation X for a good part of it, me for the rest of it. I was so fired up an entry or two ago about playing my game by my rules ... where the fuck did that go? But you reach a point where you get tired of fighting because it's easier to let things take their course. You compromise your principles to take the path of least resistance or, for fuck's sake, office politics. You know the right thing to do, but you don't do the right thing because you don't want to be called into the office or leave in a bad mood. Yet, these things happen anyway.
I've been here before. I'm not as low as I've been; I fucking refuse to let that happen. But the more time passes, I'm questioning myself and what the point is.
Part of it is knowing I'll be 35 next month. I did OK with 30 (aside from the puking, thanks for asking) but I'm hung up with 35 for some reason. Is it because I remember my mom when she was 35? Or because I remember the ex at 35, and how little he felt he had accomplished in life? Mom was pretty cool at 35 for a mom. The ex... 5 years ago, we had been married a year and life was good.
I had hoped to be somewhere else by now. My plan was to work at The Statesman for about 5 years and get back to a big paper. To get out of Idaho. Now, I don't have a reason to leave. My tribe is here and things aren't so bad when you're not lonely. I've got three of the best reasons to stay here, and sadly, none of those reasons are related to the current job. Related to a former job, but I won't bore you with details since you've all heard about how wonderful my man is.
Plans go awry, and I like to think I'm pretty adaptable. That doesn't mean I don't step back and question my life and what the fuck I'm here to do.
It still goes back to self-loathing, in the end. I've become what I despise and I don't know how to break out of it. I spend so much time doing what "they" say I need to do, and it's all I can do to keep up. Do more with less. Babysit, coach, be a shoulder to cry on, laugh, play, discipline, teach ... all of that for a little bit more than what I made chopping veggies and slinging sauce at FP. That was instant gratification. You knew when the customers were happy. When the crew had everything they needed before they needed it, you knew you did your job.
Honestly, I think I'm looking for something I will not find doing what I'm doing. I know this. But I still go because I care. I care when I don't care. What the fuck kind of curse is that? I want to save the good people and give the bad ones a chance, or at least enough rope for them to hang themselves with. I know that if people put forth the effort, they can do the work. But believing in people isn't enough. Wanting to do the right thing isn't enough. Doing what's required of you isn't enough. Yeah, it's old and tiring and fucking frustrating.
At the end of the day, I'm a cog in the machine, the number that Corp X needs to punch in more numbers and track the new numbers after the old numbers were sorted and dispersed into new groups of numbers. I don't feel like a number, not like I did a few months ago. I know my identity and I know my function, and that's what displeases me. I know what we're capable of, and like so many other jobs, I know we're on the cusp of great things. In Monterey, it was Pete. At the Statesman, where to point the finger? PD and Carolyn, for starters. The IPT, Ursula the Sea Witch herself. And now ... ?
There is always something that drives the good people away. In Monterey, I opened the door that four or five of my friends walked through. Boise showed 13 of us the door. JB got bounced, 2 fotogs left, Dusty left, I left and the march continued. And now ... ?
OK, for the drama-prone among you: I am not quitting my job. Not right now. I knew going in this wasn't a career for me. It's a paycheck working with products I love. It was easy money. I need to find the enthusiasm again. I need to be entertained. Then maybe I won't notice the layers of bullshit so much.
And for the emo-prone among you: I picked this song out of my NIN playlist.
Something I Can Never Have
i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.
[Chorus:]
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.
you always were the one to show me how.
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this thing is slowly taking me apart.
grey would be the color, if i had a heart.
come on and tell me.
[Chorus]
in this place it seems like such a shame.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same.
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.
come on and tell me.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself.
you make this all go away.
you make it all go away.
i just want something.
i just want something i can never have.
i just want something i can never have.
And oddly enough, iTunes followed with this song, which was my anthem during the waning months at the IPT:
Every Day Is Exactly The Same
I believe I can see the future
Because I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no.
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yeah, I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end.
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(spoken)
I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well, I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know,
What else I can do..
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(chorus repeats)
Every day is the same!
Yeah. iTunes knows its shit. Needless to say, the absence of NIN on the iPod has been rectified.
Don't mind me. I'll get over it. Or something.
Friday, December 8, 2006
meh
Apologies for the lack of bloggings this week. Piss-poor attitude (thanks to Corp X) has taken its toll on me mentally and emotionally. Frankly, all I want to do when I get home is play my game, which is what I've been doing.
I had aspirations of going off on the holiday season. Had the research materials to support my position and then ... meh. In the grand scheme of things, my Christmas rant isn't all that important and will probably piss off a lot of you (not that that's ever stopped me).
So, back to the PS2 I go. Beaten down, but not broken. No, I won't go down without a fight. It takes a better man to break me, and believe me, that ain't the fuckin case right now. The ex, who was a slightly better man, couldn't break me.
Shed a tear and play some Calvinball...
I had aspirations of going off on the holiday season. Had the research materials to support my position and then ... meh. In the grand scheme of things, my Christmas rant isn't all that important and will probably piss off a lot of you (not that that's ever stopped me).
So, back to the PS2 I go. Beaten down, but not broken. No, I won't go down without a fight. It takes a better man to break me, and believe me, that ain't the fuckin case right now. The ex, who was a slightly better man, couldn't break me.
Shed a tear and play some Calvinball...
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